Whoo hoo

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Adventure! We are going to Santa Barbara for the weekend. I’m excited. I’ve never actually been down there. And I asked the boyfriend of a friend to pick up our farm share and he said sure. Yay! That was a rather easily arranged weekend. 🙂

Today I need to: make banana bread, make jam, and pack.

Tomorrow Shanna has a checkup, more shots. 🙁 Luckily Noah can go with us because I just can’t hold her down for the needle. 🙁 I do believe that the choice we are making is right but it sucks.

And we are going to a festive grown up party tomorrow night. I’ve got some high hopes about that but I’m not completely sure how I would like it to go. There are so many choices! Mmmm I like thinking about my options. 🙂 And I am even more excited that I know some particular people are going because that makes my options so much more appealing. 🙂

Restless

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I want to go somewhere. I want to go do something big and exciting and dramatic. But my life doesn’t allow such things anymore. I am consumed by minutiae. I am obsessed with ensuring that I am Safe. But how is that benefiting me really? Why am I doing this to myself? Ugh. It’s making me easily frustrated and so ridiculously bored.

{dirtier} So we are going out…

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On the 28th Noah and I will be going to the swingers party at Edges. I think it would be really really awesome if I knew people there. 🙂 I like seeing my friends have sex. It’s a little quirk I have. I’m teetering on the edge of making explicit “I would like to see more of ‘x’ at the party” comments so I’ll stop. 😀

More words! (not the meme kind)

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Additional words:
nana (for banana)
bees! (for boobies. *sigh*)
bread (it sounds like bread but said shortened. I can’t explain it.)
cheese
isthis? (seems like, what is this?)
Moo (for cow milk)
sauce (for apple sauce)
car
cat
Puff (cat’s name)
mama
dada
pee
poopoo
nose
cheek
no! (I can’t believe I forgot no!)
bite

These are in addition to:
up
outside
hi
stop
shoe
boo!
slide (used for swing and slide)
sit
step
butt
shiny
book
nigh-nigh

Her signs:
yay
waving
potty
apple
dessert
more
all done
milk
hot
banana

Whoo hoo!

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Today’s the day! I get to start back-breaking physical labor! Sheetrock is heavy. 🙂 I keep telling myself, “It will all be worth it when I can walk down the hallway with less of risk of breaking my neck in the middle of the night.”

Man am I grateful to Taylor. Yay Taylor!

ETA:
Apparently today is the day I get to schedule back breaking labor. He had a good point about waiting on delivery so stuff isn’t going to happen for a while. I think I am just as happy. This will give me a chance to do more fussing inside the house with arranging stuff without being grumpy and in pain. I also get to have a couple of weeks between bursts of project obsession. Maybe in the meantime I’ll get around to making jam. 🙂

Of course I am already thinking about Christmas.

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On MDC there is a thread about trying to limit Christmas so that it doesn’t become a gimmee spree. One woman posted something she got from a book:

The Four Things Children Need At Christmas

1. A relaxed and loving time with family.
2. Realistic expectations about gifts.
3. An evenly paced holiday season.
4. Reliable family traditions.

Combine this with the other maxim about presents posted in the thread:

Something you want.
Something you need.
Something to wear.
Something to read.

It’s making me stop and think about Christmas again. Last year I burned myself out with cookies. I shouldn’t do that again. I’m also thinking that due to financial schtuff this year I really should tell people that we aren’t buying presents. That’s going to be hard emotionally for me and I think for Noah. Awkward.

busybusybusybusy

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I have been very industrious this week. I have been working from when I get up till late in the evening. I’m exhausted. Of course there is more to do. Every so often I get into these cycles of freaking out about the fact that there is Always More To Do!!! Then I decide I don’t care and I ignore allmost of it for a while. I wish I could get to that part already but I can’t. The big thing left to do in the garage is dismantle the shelves that are attached to the walls and I’m afraid that is going to be difficult work because pieces of it are very heavy. Taylor is coming on Tuesday (!!!) so we can get started on figuring out the garage stuff. I’m terribly excited. Yes, I’m aware it will take multiple days. 🙂 But Taylor unlike certain other people I could name but won’t isn’t a flake and will actually follow through when he says he will do a project with me so I’m not stressing. 🙂

We’re going to have a playroom! And I’ve started a fund for a play kitchen. 😀 I think that the play kitchen money should come out of my personal entertainment/fun money because I want it so bad. 🙂 Shanna really doesn’t care at this point.

I went to the orthopedic orthopedic? maxillofacial? surgeon today to discuss getting an implant. This is going to be expensive. 🙁 I briefly read the propaganda they had on the subject but I left it at the office cause it pissed me off. No, this will not magically make my life better. I am, however, quite interested in the procedure because it can help prevent bone loss/decay issues later. So yeah. And once I get the procedure done it is like three months until the next step. So I guess it’s a good thing we decided to wait like six months before trying to get pregnant. oy.

And I went to a physical therapy thing today for my knee. Shanna was remarkably good. She sat on the chair and drew on a piece of paper and played with my sweater for an hour. Ok… probably 45 minutes and then she wanted to nurse. 🙂 I’m once again impressed with my wonderful baby.

Boy howdy is she getting willful. I thought the ‘nononono’ didn’t start till more like two. Oy. When she’s not in the mood for something she is really not in the mood. It’s interesting. Of course I override sometimes when it is a safety issue. I try really hard not to override just because “I’m the mom”. I find myself having to fight my temper more now and that’s difficult for both of us. Like when I’m cleaning up the Cheerios she flung all over the floor. It’s ok that she made the mess but when I’m cleaning it up, don’t come in the middle and throw stuff again! Dude! So rude! I find myself talking about manners, rudeness, politeness, and consideration constantly. I’m sure there are a good many parenting gurus who would describe my system as awful. I’m very very judgmental of her behavior. It seems to me that if I’m not she won’t learn how to evaluate behavior. I never ever tell her she is bad. I do tell her constantly that she is good and sweet and generous. I tell her, “It is rude to yell inside because it hurts peoples ears.” I know she doesn’t ‘get it’ yet but I figure starting young will help ingrain these lessons. She does seem to understand, “Please stop” and respects it more often than I would expect at this age.

Maybe that’s enough babbling for now. 🙂

Appreciation

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Today I am feeling very happy with the world and everything in it, so I’ll talk a little bit about what I appreciate today. 🙂

I appreciate that my wonderful Marcie let me have huge blocks of wood for my yard. Soon I will get around to finishing that project and I will have the coolest sandbox ever!

I appreciate that my darling husband tolerates my ongoing projects and obsessions. 😀

I appreciate that my daughter loves books so much. And that she is picking up words at a prodigious rate. It is getting so much easier to communicate with her.

I appreciate that my house is small enough to be easy to clean. The older I get and the more stuff I have to get done in a day the more I appreciate this. 🙂

I appreciate that Taylor offered to come help me finish the garage. It is almost entirely cleaned out! It will be done by Friday! This is so exciting. (At this point there is probably about an hour of moving stuff and an hour or two of cleaning left.)

I appreciate the heck out of the chest freezer. Man that thing makes my life better. I have a whole mess of (organic) beef and chicken. I have a huge stash of raw milk, butter, cream, and cheese. I have a freak-ton of ice cream (I buy it on sale and stock up). And then there are the ’emergency’ tv-dinner lunches for Noah’s lunch when we have nothing else. It’s so awesome. I think I have enough meat to last me the next six months and maybe longer. This pleases me immensely. We will need more ice cream and milk before then. 🙂

I appreciate the wonderful variety of food available to me here in the bay area. I like that my taste buds have been expanded in ways they wouldn’t have if I lived in middle America.

I appreciate the awesome cookbooks available to me that have taught me how to cook some of the amazing food I enjoy so much. And the baking. *swoon* The baking! I’m pretty good at baking, I have discovered. I really enjoy it.

I appreciate being comfortable financially at a time when many people aren’t. It’s a luxury. I have the luxury of staying home with my kids as long as I want to. It’s really nice.

I appreciate my new roof. Holy crap on toast do I appreciate my new roof. And I really love that we are basically off grid for our electricity usage. That makes me feel good about my impact on the planet. I’m wasteful in other places (like travel and eating meat) so I try to do what I can elsewhere.

I appreciate our wonderful car. It is fantastically efficient and well functioning. It is still pretty through absolutely no effort of mine.

I appreciate having the luxury to sit around and think extensively about what is best for my family. My life is non-stressful and non-traumatic. I get to think about family planning in a safe and comfortable environment where many options are possible. That’s amazing.

I appreciate having yards big enough to worry about. 🙂 It means that Shanna has lots of room to play and explore. And I appreciate how much she loves being outside. That bodes well. 🙂

I appreciate Ikea. My house is turning into an Ikea showroom. It’s kind of funny. But man is it useful and cheap! And I think all the stuff we bought there looks perfectly decent. Yay Ikea!

I appreciate that when I have computer problems I always find a friend to help me fix them. 😀 Man living in the valley rocks. 😀

Consider the needs of the child you have

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That’s a phrase bandied about in full-term breastfeeding circles. Full-term meaning at least until two years old. Two years is the minimum recommended time for nursing as stated by the WHO. Ok, so I’m not exactly one to follow all the guidelines as set down by the WHO so why do I pay attention to this one? If you look at biological studies comparing brain size/development humans should nurse for 2-7 years if compared to our nearest primate relatives. That’s a long time. Milk is necessary for the development of most mammals and no other mammal in nature weans in order to give the milk of another species.

At this point Shanna is physically developed enough to be able to digest milk from other species and I’m certainly not opposed to dairy (mmmm ice cream) but nursing is different. My milk not only is the absolute perfect blend of nutrients for my species, my milk is specifically calibrated for my child. That cannot be duplicated by a bottle of cow milk.

Why am I talking about this? Because when you are pregnant most women lose their milk. There are some women (I’ve seen this as 30%) who maintain supply all the way through a pregnancy. It is also possible to dry nurse through a pregnancy and then move on to tandem nursing. The reason behind dry nursing is that nursing is not just about physical/dietary needs, it also fulfills important bonding/psychological needs. I already have a hard time with unnecessary nipple stimulation. It will be much worse when I am pregnant. I’m nervous about dry nursing. I’m also worried about Shanna losing out on having milk solidly until she is two. That is the biological minimum humans should have. I’m not sure I’m willing to compromise on giving her the minimum.

But that means spacing our kids out more than I really wanted to. That means probably waiting at least another seven months. I have mixed feelings about that. The Meniere’s has been progressing quite a bit just lately and that makes me nervous. It looks like we definitely won’t be trying for three kids so spacing out Shanna and Little TBD is less of a problem than it otherwise could be. I’m not sure how I feel about spacing between kids in terms of potential future getting along/competitive stuff. All of that is guesswork anyway.

So yeah. It looks like the mature, responsible decision is to wait. It’s only seven months. The problem is that I don’t wanna.

Projects

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Right now I am working on/need to work on:
-finish cleaning out the garage. Noah helped me make HUGE progress this weekend. Yay Noah!
–label/send out pictures of Shanna. I never got around to doing the 9 month pictures and now I have 13 month pictures (I procrastinated and missed 12 months–whoops) sitting here. I’ll be shocked if they are done before she is 15 months old. Thank god our family tradition is to not do pictures again until 18 months.
-make jam for the first time!
-put together the storage stuff for the kitchen.
-put together the night stand.
-return the broken night stand to Ikea. (long stupid story here)
-figure out more decluttering/getting rid of stuff. I want us to fit comfortably in this house, damnit.
-deal with the meat in the fridge.
-go to laundry mat to wash the frickin comforter.
-upload pictures from the camera to picasa.
-do more laundry.
-take all the lovely poisonous chemicals in the garage to the recycling center.
-find a frickin electronics recycling place.

I hope that is it for this week. Oy. There is no way I will finish this all this week with my sweet, wonderful little helper. 🙂

so much to do and so little time

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Today I made dinner. It took pretty much all day. I made pasta, pasta sauce, strawberry mash, and shortcake–all from scratch. That kind of preparation is a pain in the butt. All of the fresh ingredients came from the CSA box, the farmers market, or my back yard. 🙂 I’m tired. I don’t know how people used to cook from scratch every day. This is a pain in the butt.

Yesterday I finished my tattoo. I want to do a full post about that very soon with pictures.

Shanna continues to astound me with her development. I’m thrilled that I have a willing sleeper. When she realized she wasn’t going to get me to go lay down with her “nigh-nigh” “I can’t right now Shanna” she more or less asked to be put on my back and she took her nap there. I’m extremely sore but she’s in a great mood thanks to sleeping and I got my chores done. w00t.

Tomorrow we are going to Friday Night Waltz! I hope to see many people there. 🙂

I should ping because I keep thinking about her. I’m obviously awesome at initiating contact though. Oy.

I’m at day 42 of my cycle. The stupid sticks I’m peeing on still say I’m not pregnant though. This is making me fret for a variety of reasons.

I’ve been ordered PT for my knee and a hearing test to get more of a baseline on my disintegration a la (insert accent mark) Meniere’s. I really like my Kaiser doctor. She said despite my eyes, ears, and knee I am in excellent health. She didn’t even blink hard in the direction of my weight and she told me that I should have a bunch more kids because obviously I’m a great mother. 😀 She thinks I have a great attitude about the Menier’s and I think there is no point in having a poopy attitude. 😀

My house is a mess and I have dinner guests showing up sometime in the next half hour. I should probably get off livejournal. 🙂 I get to see my Sarah! I’m excited. It’s been so long. 🙂

worth asking

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So… would anyone like to spend some time with Shanna on the 28th? It would be best if it were at our house because the event we would like to go to starts around bedtime and it would be easiest on Shanna if she didn’t have to deal with being moved after she falls asleep. 🙂

Computer help

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So I tried to back up my computer. I’m told this is a good thing to do but it seems to cause me as many problems as it solves. Bugger.

So this time the problem is that my itunes library seems to be on the external hard drive but it’s entirely gone from my computer and I can’t figure out how to put it back.

Does anyone have any advice?

More about sexual assault.

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Note: I am friendslocking this because I think my journal can be searched via google and I am not yet confident enough about this subject matter to want to broadcast it on the internet.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about rape and rapists. I am close with more than one woman who was raped and who still has to deal with the person who raped her socially. In at least one case this feels even more personal and difficult and it has prompted me to do a lot of thinking. Not too long ago linked to a discussion about rape that made me think. How many people know rapists and don’t even realize that they do? No really–look around your circle of friends, you probably know a rapist and you may or may not be able to figure out who it is. That got me thinking more about my own history of sexual assault. I’ve written about my early sexual assault experiences here in some detail but I’ve skipped the last few sexual assault experiences entirely. Why? I feel like part of the reason is because they were all less physically traumatizing so I minimize them in light of the rest of my history. I mean, if I can survive being brutally sodomized when I was like nine years old, what is a date rape here and there between friends? I say that sarcastically but that is basically how I have treated this subject. There is a part of me that believes that given how “minor” the sexual assault was–no physical damage–I need to just get over it. There is that fucking phrase again. “Just get over it.” Fuck that fucking phrase with a fucking chainsaw. (Can you tell I like stream of consciousness writing?) There is another part of the issue that plays a much bigger part I have realized recently. All of the recent assaults touch other people in my life in some way or another. Two of them are still friends with people I am friends with. If I talk about the assaults I will name them. Naming them creates a situation where people might say, “Oh I don’t believe that ‘x’ did that to you”. How fucking awful is that. I have counseled dear friends to publicly name their attackers because otherwise the bastards get to continue to have squeaky clean reputations and when someone eventually says they are a rapist it will be harder to believe–if there is a history of it, maybe something will actually be done about it. But that means I have to put myself out there and make me vulnerable to disbelief and maybe even to losing friends. That is scary. Hey wait! I’m a counter-phobic six! It’s scary! Here I go.

Cut for length.
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searching for sauce

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The internet is not giving me what I want. Stupid internet. I want to make a whole bunch of pasta sauce (I am now canning enabled!) and all of the recipes are for 2-5 cups of sauce. I know I can just multiply the recipe but I would feel safer knowing that a recipe was intended as a large batch one because sometimes you don’t really want to just multiply straight across the board.

Stupid internet.