Hot cereal and compassion

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Today I decided that I should probably not put my normal 2-3 tablespoons of refined white sugar on my cream of wheat. If I want my kid to eat less sugar I need to lead the charge. (In my defense: I use less sugar than my mother.) So I chopped up a couple of fresh strawberries and used two teaspoons of strawberry preserves. It was alright but not terribly sweet so I added a teaspoon of sugar. It was good enough for me. My hope is that with practice I won’t need the added sugar after a while. 🙂

As for compassion: I’m having a hard time finding compassion for a mama of my acquaintance and I don’t feel good about my lack of compassion. Her son is six weeks older than Shanna and she hit postpartum depression about a month ago. I’ve talked to her about depression in general, coping skills and vitamins/supplements that tend to help and that’s all fine. I’m having a hard time because she is on disability leave from her job and she is not spending any time with her son. She continues to send him off to his grandparents every day (they are in their late 70’s) and she stays home by herself. I have a long history of depression but I always manage to do the things that have to be done. I have never personally been so depressed that I neglected basic care for another person. On one hand, she is making sure her son is well cared for and that’s good. On the other hand: she’s not taking care of her son, her husband and his parents are. I feel guilty about judging her because I haven’t walked in her shoes and it isn’t my place. On the other hand it’s hard for me to supply the compassion she deserves when she comes to my house crying.

I feel conflicted. I almost want to tell her that being depressed in no excuse to pawn off care of her son. I wouldn’t do it no matter how depressed I was. But that’s me. I have no idea what it is like to live in someone else’s head so I shouldn’t be such a snot.

URGH!

These boots were made for walking.

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And by boots I mean shoes. I’ve been walking further and further lately. Last week I did ten miles with my nephew. I only walked a little over two miles with DSH and Terps. Today I walked eight miles with a chick from my neighborhood. I’ve been pretty lackadaisical about following points but I’m getting smaller. My pants are more comfortable (whoo hoo!). I’m not real worried about getting down a size but I would like this size to be baggy on me so that I don’t have to move into maternity clothes at five weeks like I did last time.

I’ve been paying attention to the difference between healthy foods and low calorie/low fat foods. I’m not feeling so hot about putting all the chemicals into my body. I am slowly working through the low calorie versions of stuff and I’m not buying more. I feel really good in my body most days. My back is still sore but I’m carrying a 20 pound kid all the time. I’ve been to yoga once recently and I’m going to try and go again soon.

My goal is to not have to do the super intense gestational diabetes test during my next pregnancy. I was heavy enough that my midwife wasn’t comfortable skipping it with Shanna. I would also like to have enough fitness/energy to be able to be active and play with Shanna through my next pregnancy. I was out of shape before I conceived Shanna so I was a total slug for nine months. I won’t have that luxury next time.

No I’m not pregnant. I have no idea when I will even be able to get pregnant. This is all stuff I need to take care of in advance though and I’m most likely running out of time.

Freedom!

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Noah is taking Shanna out for a few hours. I’m going to take a bath. I’m going to shave my entire legs instead of just the really awful part below my knee. I’m going to have a glass of wine. (I really don’t care that it is 11am.) I’m going to read in the tub until the water is freezing. I’m going to use all the lovely skin-softening bath products I own and never use. I’m going to straighten my hair.

I’m not going to do a single chore.

I could get used to this.

family

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As it turns out Noah’s younger brother is due to have a baby. Within a week of Shanna’s birthday. I suppose there is no better way to ensure that they will never want to come out here for Shanna’s birthday.

meat.

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This week I used two chicken breasts, five sausages (of two different varieties), and ~nine strips of bacon in cooking. That’s it for the week. Wow. I had one meat sandwich. I’m feeling massive cravings right now for red meat.

(All of that meat was put into ~34 servings of food. I need to freeze the leftovers.) (And 34 servings sounds like a lot until you think about the fact that a person eats at least/around 21 meals/week and there are two of us here.)

I’ve finished off ~ 80% of the CSA box. Next week I need to make less pasta. It’s a big filler.

not good

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Shanna is sick. She has a fever and she is lethargic and tired. This isn’t great but it pales next to being told that someone I love tremendously was raped. I don’t know how to adequately help him. Yes, him. I feel terrible because I didn’t try harder to help him when/before it happened.

Sometimes I feel like I could joyfully take on all the suffering in the world just to protect my loved ones. I’m very strong; I know I could handle it. I don’t really know how he will truly heal.

Needs

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As we do this ‘parenting’ thing longer I spend a lot of time thinking about balancing each of our individual needs as well as Noah’s job. It’s really hard to find a balance. It’s feeling extra hard right now because we have hit separation anxiety like a brick wall. I’m aware that it is possible to walk away and let her scream with someone else but that feels so awful. She’s not going to be in this phase for all that long, why should I make it harder on both of us? I’m feeling kind of fried though. Leaving her with Noah is a less awesome option than it could be because they don’t spend that much time together and his presence doesn’t seem to be that much better than anyone else.

Shanna is getting way pushier about night nursing right now too. In a weird way it’s like we hit a major regression with separation anxiety. She’s extra clingy all the time and sleeping more (and requiring boob attachment through all naps). I don’t think I am feeling the kind of ‘touched out’ that I hear other people talk about but I am starting to want more time to myself than I’m getting right now. Unfortunately Noah is being pushed super hard at work so he has less energy at home.

I know I can get through this. It’s not even *that* bad. I just… something. I want something to be different and I’m not even sure what.

Anxiety

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I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately. I feel anxious about all kinds of things. The comp exam, interactions with people, am I doing ‘enough’ in various ways, and of course my ever present internal push to be Mary Poppins. (People keep saying Martha Stewart and Hell No I think she is a wasteful twat.) I don’t keep my house clean enough. I feel confused by the barrage of information out there about health and diet and trying to be good to the planet. I feel confused by the myriad of different parenting philosophies. I feel like I am not being a good enough partner to Noah. I feel like I am not exercising enough. I feel like I must be doing Something Wrong as a parent. I don’t have any frame of reference for ‘normal’ for children so I have no idea if she is doing alright. (I think she is, but how in the hell would I know?) I alternate feeling kind of lonely and feeling like I am tired of dealing with people and it would be fine if I never saw anyone ever again. I feel frustrated by stupid interactions. I feel like I am being judged and found wanting in just about every way. I realized yesterday that my mother plans to come up here for Shanna’s first birthday party and she plans to fly to Oklahoma in July. How in the hell is she going to pay for that? Wait–is she going to expect me to? I am feeling a lot of pressure to save money and yet it seems like one of the easiest things I can do to help me not stress out all the time is spend money. (I think I’m fairly frugal but of course there are people out there who are more frugal so I feel like I am awful and terrible.) I have this problem of feeling like if I am not in the top 10% of (x) skill/ability/talent/whatever/activity then I am obviously pathetic and a loser.

That paragraph is hard to read. That’s how my brain looks right now though. I’ve never heard of postpartum anxiety but this doesn’t sound like postpartum depression. I’m not sad. I’m just anxious. I’m not happy with the fact that having a baby made it so that I don’t enjoy sex much. What the fuck happened? I enjoy the closeness and the intimate feeling, but it’s just not all that… exciting. I feel really fussy about having to be the one to initiate dates and sex when most of it is happening because it helps Noah stay cheerful. I understand that I have to be the one to initiate because I’m the one who can get Shanna to sleep most of the time, but still. I don’t feel sexy or interesting anymore. I gave a friend most of my ‘interesting’ clothes this weekend. I have weird feelings about that. On one hand I won’t be able to wear any of it for a long time (I’m too fat) but I feel like I just gave up on being interesting. I’m not worth looking at like that anymore. I’m completely de-sexed. I’m really thrilled that she is getting to enjoy the clothes though and I’m happy she is going out and having fun. So I get to feel like I’m a nice person for assisting her in fun and I get to feel like I’m just kind of pathetic and lame because I’m not having that kind of fun anymore. It’s a mixed bag.

So yeah. I feel like my brain is going close to a mile a minute lately and there isn’t much I can to do calm down and just feel content. My life is where I want it to be and that is hard. I’ve always been striving in the past and I don’t know how to stop doing that. I need to find my zen and just be happy in knowing that I accomplished (almost) everything I wanted to accomplish. It’s ok that my house isn’t perfectly clean–it doesn’t make me a bad person. Noah doesn’t care. I actually don’t care that much of the time. I worry about the hypothetical people out there who do care. I feel like they think I am pathetic because “You have all that time at home and your house is still dirty?!” It’s all about projecting stuff.

And I’m still freaking out about my therapist being dead. I wonder if that is part of the reason I have so much fuss bubbling to the top right now because I just found out that I can’t go process any of it with the person I process with. AHHHHHHHHHHHH

{milestones} First word?

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This morning while holding a book Shanna looked up at me and said, “Booh”. I believe that was meant to be book. She continued saying it when we passed the book back and forth. I’m not 100% positive that she was doing it on purpose but I suspect she was.

I’m so excited I could pee my pants. My daughter’s first word was book. That is SO APPROPRIATE!!!

Socializing

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Hey ya’ll! So Noah will be working all weekend. @#($)@ job. This means that Shanna and I will have an extra two days this week where we will be entertaining one another. This means I am soliciting livejournal at large saying, “Please God people someone must be available.” For fair warning: Shanna is teething and therefore clingy and somewhat whiny. As long as she is held constantly it’s not too bad, but uhm it’s a lot of contact.

Would anyone like to do anything? 🙂

Perspective

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My neighbor (the one with a son six weeks older than Shanna) came over for a bit this morning. She’s having postpartum depression issues and she wanted to ask me for advice. It turns out that my impression of her thoughts about me were pretty far from the mark. She started telling me about all the ways she has taken my advice so far. She started telling me about how she “just isn’t as creative as [me]” which almost made me laugh. Me? Creative? She asked me what she should do to handle a few issues that are coming up with her son. She asked me how I deal with not having much of a mom in my life. It was interesting.

It was one of those things where I stopped and thought, “Hunh, maybe I should stop assuming people dislike me.”

Crunchification

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Next Saturday we pick up our first CSA box. I’m pretty excited. I’m also trying to figure out how to get in on the Co-op for Organic Pastures which sells raw milk/cream/butter and beef. I’ve bought some of it from Whole Foods and the taste is so significantly better that I’m pretty shocked. I didn’t believe that I would notice or care. I’m not likely to go completely raw for all foods, but I’m impressed by the benefits of raw milk. Noah is at least mildly lactose intolerant so I think that the switch is certainly worthwhile for him. We’ve mostly moved to eating whole grain bread (but the potato bread is SO GOOD we get it sometimes anyway). Whole wheat pasta and brown rice are our standards at this point. We are getting organic/not from concentrate juices cause they taste better. The guy at Whole Foods talked me into trying the Omega 3 eggs. They are pretty good. At the very least we like the eggs from the farmers market. I don’t like the generic Safeway eggs anymore. This is all making me much more sensitive to the overpowering taste of most processed foods. They are pretty jarring. Sometimes that is fun, but sometimes it is just too much.

I find all of this kind of funny. How did I become this person?

This post makes my food icon a little more funny. Cause I tried it Sam-I-am and I liked it.

Coolest Kid Ever!

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I put Shanna on the floor in the living to play while I went to the bathroom. Once I got there I realized that she hadn’t peed yet since her nap. So I called out to her that if she needed to pee she should come to the bathroom. So she crawled from the living room to the bathroom. I put her on the potty. Then she peed. She’s nine months old.

HOW COOL IS THAT!

Planning ahead

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Second try, now with correct dates.

My mom is already pressuring me to plan Shanna’s first birthday party. I’m trying to figure out dates. Miss Jenny, Miss Laura, and Noah all have birthdays within a week or so of Shanna’s so we are thinking about a joint party cause sure why not. It gives us an excuse for having a wider array of cake! 🙂 So I’m going to do a date poll. Heavier weight will be given to the opinions of shared-celebration folks. 🙂

 

Defensive

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I told my sister and my nephew yesterday that I’m feeling upset about them only contacting me when they want money. My sister got huffy and told me that she doesn’t want anything from anyone. Then as we were getting ready to pay for lunch she informed me she was laid off. Ahhh timing. I only paid for my food.

On the vaccine stuff: I find the different points of view interesting. I found ‘s post yesterday nearly funny. If I posted something of that length and validity on the anti-vax side I would have a flood of snotty comments. I would be be told that all of the things I was presenting were “anecdotal” and therefore completely unworthy of mention. *shrug* At this moment in time my feelings are basically that I don’t trust the information I am presented with. Once upon a time there was “evidence” that people should be given mercury when they were sick, or drugs to prevent miscarriage that caused terrible terrible deformities and problems in infants. This was the wisdom of the day. I could list off a dozen different things that have been part of “trends” in the past 150 years around the topic of bearing children that have been dangerous and problematic. They were all pushed heavily by doctors. Yet I am now told, “It doesn’t matter what has happened in the past. This time what we are telling you to do is right. Honest!” Well, I feel rather uncomfortable using my kid as a guinea pig for something with little history. Most vaccines have been around for ~60 years or less. That’s not a lot of time to look at the long-term effects. Especially because the people who were vaccinated 60 years ago were not given the same vaccines or nearly as many as children today are. Shanna will be vaccinated because eventually the risk of the diseases will overcome the risk of the shots because I want to take her to Asia and Africa. If I were a bit less infected with a travel bug I don’t know that I would be willing to.

If my life were different I would probably give her the vaccines on schedule. (Although frankly I like countries like Finland’s vaccination schedule more than the US’s.) Well, maybe not all of them. I’m more than a little worried about what is going to happen to people when we get rid of the more mild diseases that educate the body in fighting off illness. Do I have hard scientific evidence? Sorta. Not really. Why are things like cancer becoming so common? It’s a combination of reasons that no one has figured out yet. It didn’t happen much when people died of other illnesses.

I don’t think it is a good idea to fuck with mother nature. People are supposed to die. That’s kind of the end-goal of every human’s life. I don’t really think that trying to put off death forever is a great thing. I’m sure people will snarkily (and stupidly in my opinion) say, “You would feel differently if it was your kid.” Not really. If my child died I would grieve. I would miss her for the rest of my life. But I would deal with it. I have experience dealing with death and my experience of it colored my feelings enough that I feel pretty comfortable saying, “No really–it’s better to not stave off death as long as possible.” They should have let my brother die the first time instead of resuscitating him.

And I can’t help but think that our culture’s obsession with avoiding feeling bad at all for any length of time is contributing to a lot of our other social problems.