Anxiety

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I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately. I feel anxious about all kinds of things. The comp exam, interactions with people, am I doing ‘enough’ in various ways, and of course my ever present internal push to be Mary Poppins. (People keep saying Martha Stewart and Hell No I think she is a wasteful twat.) I don’t keep my house clean enough. I feel confused by the barrage of information out there about health and diet and trying to be good to the planet. I feel confused by the myriad of different parenting philosophies. I feel like I am not being a good enough partner to Noah. I feel like I am not exercising enough. I feel like I must be doing Something Wrong as a parent. I don’t have any frame of reference for ‘normal’ for children so I have no idea if she is doing alright. (I think she is, but how in the hell would I know?) I alternate feeling kind of lonely and feeling like I am tired of dealing with people and it would be fine if I never saw anyone ever again. I feel frustrated by stupid interactions. I feel like I am being judged and found wanting in just about every way. I realized yesterday that my mother plans to come up here for Shanna’s first birthday party and she plans to fly to Oklahoma in July. How in the hell is she going to pay for that? Wait–is she going to expect me to? I am feeling a lot of pressure to save money and yet it seems like one of the easiest things I can do to help me not stress out all the time is spend money. (I think I’m fairly frugal but of course there are people out there who are more frugal so I feel like I am awful and terrible.) I have this problem of feeling like if I am not in the top 10% of (x) skill/ability/talent/whatever/activity then I am obviously pathetic and a loser.

That paragraph is hard to read. That’s how my brain looks right now though. I’ve never heard of postpartum anxiety but this doesn’t sound like postpartum depression. I’m not sad. I’m just anxious. I’m not happy with the fact that having a baby made it so that I don’t enjoy sex much. What the fuck happened? I enjoy the closeness and the intimate feeling, but it’s just not all that… exciting. I feel really fussy about having to be the one to initiate dates and sex when most of it is happening because it helps Noah stay cheerful. I understand that I have to be the one to initiate because I’m the one who can get Shanna to sleep most of the time, but still. I don’t feel sexy or interesting anymore. I gave a friend most of my ‘interesting’ clothes this weekend. I have weird feelings about that. On one hand I won’t be able to wear any of it for a long time (I’m too fat) but I feel like I just gave up on being interesting. I’m not worth looking at like that anymore. I’m completely de-sexed. I’m really thrilled that she is getting to enjoy the clothes though and I’m happy she is going out and having fun. So I get to feel like I’m a nice person for assisting her in fun and I get to feel like I’m just kind of pathetic and lame because I’m not having that kind of fun anymore. It’s a mixed bag.

So yeah. I feel like my brain is going close to a mile a minute lately and there isn’t much I can to do calm down and just feel content. My life is where I want it to be and that is hard. I’ve always been striving in the past and I don’t know how to stop doing that. I need to find my zen and just be happy in knowing that I accomplished (almost) everything I wanted to accomplish. It’s ok that my house isn’t perfectly clean–it doesn’t make me a bad person. Noah doesn’t care. I actually don’t care that much of the time. I worry about the hypothetical people out there who do care. I feel like they think I am pathetic because “You have all that time at home and your house is still dirty?!” It’s all about projecting stuff.

And I’m still freaking out about my therapist being dead. I wonder if that is part of the reason I have so much fuss bubbling to the top right now because I just found out that I can’t go process any of it with the person I process with. AHHHHHHHHHHHH

{milestones} First word?

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This morning while holding a book Shanna looked up at me and said, “Booh”. I believe that was meant to be book. She continued saying it when we passed the book back and forth. I’m not 100% positive that she was doing it on purpose but I suspect she was.

I’m so excited I could pee my pants. My daughter’s first word was book. That is SO APPROPRIATE!!!

Socializing

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Hey ya’ll! So Noah will be working all weekend. @#($)@ job. This means that Shanna and I will have an extra two days this week where we will be entertaining one another. This means I am soliciting livejournal at large saying, “Please God people someone must be available.” For fair warning: Shanna is teething and therefore clingy and somewhat whiny. As long as she is held constantly it’s not too bad, but uhm it’s a lot of contact.

Would anyone like to do anything? 🙂

Perspective

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My neighbor (the one with a son six weeks older than Shanna) came over for a bit this morning. She’s having postpartum depression issues and she wanted to ask me for advice. It turns out that my impression of her thoughts about me were pretty far from the mark. She started telling me about all the ways she has taken my advice so far. She started telling me about how she “just isn’t as creative as [me]” which almost made me laugh. Me? Creative? She asked me what she should do to handle a few issues that are coming up with her son. She asked me how I deal with not having much of a mom in my life. It was interesting.

It was one of those things where I stopped and thought, “Hunh, maybe I should stop assuming people dislike me.”

Crunchification

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Next Saturday we pick up our first CSA box. I’m pretty excited. I’m also trying to figure out how to get in on the Co-op for Organic Pastures which sells raw milk/cream/butter and beef. I’ve bought some of it from Whole Foods and the taste is so significantly better that I’m pretty shocked. I didn’t believe that I would notice or care. I’m not likely to go completely raw for all foods, but I’m impressed by the benefits of raw milk. Noah is at least mildly lactose intolerant so I think that the switch is certainly worthwhile for him. We’ve mostly moved to eating whole grain bread (but the potato bread is SO GOOD we get it sometimes anyway). Whole wheat pasta and brown rice are our standards at this point. We are getting organic/not from concentrate juices cause they taste better. The guy at Whole Foods talked me into trying the Omega 3 eggs. They are pretty good. At the very least we like the eggs from the farmers market. I don’t like the generic Safeway eggs anymore. This is all making me much more sensitive to the overpowering taste of most processed foods. They are pretty jarring. Sometimes that is fun, but sometimes it is just too much.

I find all of this kind of funny. How did I become this person?

This post makes my food icon a little more funny. Cause I tried it Sam-I-am and I liked it.

Coolest Kid Ever!

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I put Shanna on the floor in the living to play while I went to the bathroom. Once I got there I realized that she hadn’t peed yet since her nap. So I called out to her that if she needed to pee she should come to the bathroom. So she crawled from the living room to the bathroom. I put her on the potty. Then she peed. She’s nine months old.

HOW COOL IS THAT!

Planning ahead

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Second try, now with correct dates.

My mom is already pressuring me to plan Shanna’s first birthday party. I’m trying to figure out dates. Miss Jenny, Miss Laura, and Noah all have birthdays within a week or so of Shanna’s so we are thinking about a joint party cause sure why not. It gives us an excuse for having a wider array of cake! 🙂 So I’m going to do a date poll. Heavier weight will be given to the opinions of shared-celebration folks. 🙂

 

Defensive

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I told my sister and my nephew yesterday that I’m feeling upset about them only contacting me when they want money. My sister got huffy and told me that she doesn’t want anything from anyone. Then as we were getting ready to pay for lunch she informed me she was laid off. Ahhh timing. I only paid for my food.

On the vaccine stuff: I find the different points of view interesting. I found ‘s post yesterday nearly funny. If I posted something of that length and validity on the anti-vax side I would have a flood of snotty comments. I would be be told that all of the things I was presenting were “anecdotal” and therefore completely unworthy of mention. *shrug* At this moment in time my feelings are basically that I don’t trust the information I am presented with. Once upon a time there was “evidence” that people should be given mercury when they were sick, or drugs to prevent miscarriage that caused terrible terrible deformities and problems in infants. This was the wisdom of the day. I could list off a dozen different things that have been part of “trends” in the past 150 years around the topic of bearing children that have been dangerous and problematic. They were all pushed heavily by doctors. Yet I am now told, “It doesn’t matter what has happened in the past. This time what we are telling you to do is right. Honest!” Well, I feel rather uncomfortable using my kid as a guinea pig for something with little history. Most vaccines have been around for ~60 years or less. That’s not a lot of time to look at the long-term effects. Especially because the people who were vaccinated 60 years ago were not given the same vaccines or nearly as many as children today are. Shanna will be vaccinated because eventually the risk of the diseases will overcome the risk of the shots because I want to take her to Asia and Africa. If I were a bit less infected with a travel bug I don’t know that I would be willing to.

If my life were different I would probably give her the vaccines on schedule. (Although frankly I like countries like Finland’s vaccination schedule more than the US’s.) Well, maybe not all of them. I’m more than a little worried about what is going to happen to people when we get rid of the more mild diseases that educate the body in fighting off illness. Do I have hard scientific evidence? Sorta. Not really. Why are things like cancer becoming so common? It’s a combination of reasons that no one has figured out yet. It didn’t happen much when people died of other illnesses.

I don’t think it is a good idea to fuck with mother nature. People are supposed to die. That’s kind of the end-goal of every human’s life. I don’t really think that trying to put off death forever is a great thing. I’m sure people will snarkily (and stupidly in my opinion) say, “You would feel differently if it was your kid.” Not really. If my child died I would grieve. I would miss her for the rest of my life. But I would deal with it. I have experience dealing with death and my experience of it colored my feelings enough that I feel pretty comfortable saying, “No really–it’s better to not stave off death as long as possible.” They should have let my brother die the first time instead of resuscitating him.

And I can’t help but think that our culture’s obsession with avoiding feeling bad at all for any length of time is contributing to a lot of our other social problems.

New Zealand

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This is not going to be long or in any particular order. I am just feeling bad about not writing anything so here is a brief dump.

I liked the apartment we stayed in and the tremendous amount of time I got to spend with Noah. I had a rocky adjustment because all the travel, sleep dep, and weird eating habits made me pretty cranky. Noah pointed out that I was being a butt and I calmed down. It’s nice to communicate. 🙂

Things we “did”: Zorbing (way fun), went on a farm tour at the Agrodome (it was cute but not all that enthralling), went out briefly to Waiheke Island (we don’t like the wine but the island is beautiful), went to a blueberry winery (bought a bunch of TASTY food stuffs), went to the glow worm caves (they are really glow maggots! how cool is that?!), went to the Polynesian Spa (mmmm mud), and ate a lot of tasty food. Oh, and visited a buried Maori village and went to a Hangi (it’s a dinner/entertainment thing).

I am convinced that New Zealand has some of the best food in the world. Everything we ate was at least better than expected. The crappy cafeteria style food was still decent. The decent food was really good. The really good food was amazing. We found a Tunisian restaurant that we loved to death. The other folks we spent time with weren’t as impressed but what do they know? 😉 In general we loved the food (OH MY GOD the best gelato I’ve ever had was in Auckland) but didn’t like the alcohol. Such is life.

We had a great time. We liked the people. We liked the country. It was certainly awesome enough to make us consider moving there.

Oh, and if you somehow managed to miss it: http://picasaweb.google.com/somethingdifferent/NewZealand Some favorite pictures behind cut: Continue reading →

mmmm Sunblock

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Yes, this is an overly crunchy source.

CDC Finds 97 Percent of Americans Contaminated by Sunscreens
by Ellen Holder, citizen journalist

(NaturalNews) The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a new study showing that nearly all Americans are contaminated with oxybenzone, a widely-used sunscreen ingredient. This chemical so far has been linked to allergies, hormone disruption, and cell damage, as well as low birth weight in baby girls whose mothers are exposed during pregnancy. Oxybenzone is also a penetration enhancer, a chemical that helps other chemicals penetrate the skin. So where has the FDA been on this?

Apparently in the back pocket of the sunscreen industry. The Food and Drug Administration, again, has failed in its duty to protect the public from toxic chemicals like oxybenzone. Caving to the industry lobbyists, the agency has delayed final sunscreen safety standards for nearly 30 years. FDA issued a new draft of the standards last October under pressure from Environmental Working Group (EWG), but continues to delay finalizing them because of pressure from the industry.

In their online cosmetic safety database, EWG identifies nearly 600 sunscreens sold in the U.S. that contain oxybenzone, including leading brand names like Hawaiian Tropic, Coppertone, and Banana Boat, and many facial moisturizers as well. On top of that, they also show many of these so-called sunscreens offer inadequate protection from the sun. In fact, they found that sunlight also causes oxybenzone to form free radical chemicals that may be linked to cell damage, which is the exact opposite reason many women mistakenly use the sunscreen – to protect them from damaging free radicals which lead to premature aging!

And interestingly, as sunscreen sales have risen, so has the rate of skin cancers. Go figure. We’ve been pressured to believe that the sun is our enemy and we need to slather on loads of sunscreen to protect ourselves, when in actuality we need sunlight for our bodies to manufacture vitamin D. For those of us who are either fair skinned or just plain vain and worry about age spots and wrinkles, limiting our unprotected sun exposure to 20 minutes a day is adequate for our daily dose of vitamin D. For more fun in the sun, overexposure can be avoided by using a natural or organic sunscreen with a reflective barrier like zinc, instead of chemical sunscreens. Even a small amount of shea butter rubbed into the skin daily offers a bit of natural UV protection. Whatever you do, don’t wait for the FDA to help you in your choice. Based on their history in this category, it could be another 30 years before safety standards are improved.

References:
1. Environmental Health Perspectives: Concentrations of the Sunscreen Agent, Benzophenone-3, in Residents of the United States: National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey 2003�2004
http://www.ehponline.org/members/2008/11269/11269.html

2. Environmental Working Group: Comments from EWG on the U.S. FDA’s Proposed Amendment of Final Monograph for Sunscreens
http://www.ewg.org/node/25705

3. Environmental Working Group: Americans Carry ‘Body Burden’ of Toxic Sunscreen Chemical
http://www.ewg.org/node/26212

I had trouble sleeping

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When I got back to CA I had a message on my phone. It turns out my therapist died of an overdose while I was gone. This is the second death by that method of someone I was close to in just over a year. I’m feeling very conflicted and confused and unsettled. I knew she was cracking up when I stopped seeing her. I said snarky things about her cracking up. I was pretty sure she was on drugs. But now I feel terrible that I didn’t do something to try and help her because she was pretty clearly asking me for help–the whole taking over my therapy sessions to talk about her bit was obvious. I really liked her, both as a professional and as a person. I haven’t called the person who left me the message because I’m kind of freaked out.

My mom always said that deaths go in threes. I’m really afraid of who will be the third overdose. 🙁

Catch up

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My brain still feels like cotton so I’m not ready to write about the trip. However, I thought I should let ya’ll know that I may or may not fully catch up on lj. If I missed anything that you think I should see, please leave a comment. 🙂

Really beautiful

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I got to town a few minutes before the restaurant opens so you get this post.

We’ve done a lot. This country is amazing. People are more friendly far from tourist areas. Shanna has been absolutely amazing for most of the trip but she seems to have lost patience with us today. Food is adventurous but very good.

Love you all, even those I don’t. (I really like that saying.)

Oh yeah, I’m leaving.

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In 12 hours I will be arriving at the home of the lovely Ms. Laura to pick her up and drive up to SFO. Our flight leaves at 2pm.

I am SO EXCITED!!! I’m also kind of tired. We are pre-jet lagging hoping to make it a bit easier to adjust.

I’M GOING TO NEW ZEALAND!

😀

I’m totally taking the backpack in the icon. And one suitcase. And a diaper bag. That’s not too bad.

We are planning to be offline for most of the trip so I will probably not respond to anything internet-ish. A break will be loverly.