Anxious and fussy

I should so be asleep right now. I’m not. Here’s some of what I’m looking at right now.

The comp exam is in 11 days. I’m not fully prepared. On Thursday I head up to Davis to do some studying with a fellow English geek, and I’m not even really ready for that. Shanna had a really hard day today for no obvious reason and I got zero studying done. If I look at the calendar, what I really ought to do is bail on the two social things I was hoping to do this weekend and study pretty much straight through. I’m getting really scared. If I fail this test it is going to be a rather hardcore blow to my ego that I don’t need. On one hand I objectively think that I am pretty damn prepared, on the other hand I subjectively believe that my last failure on this exam (when I was completely unprepared) is an indication that I am stupid and deserve to fail. I know this isn’t reasonable. I know that they honestly won’t expect that amazing of essays given that we have three hours to write three essays.

I’m dropping weight like crazy with eating to my daily maximum of points and I think that as a result I am thinking less clearly. I am having more trouble than usual finding the words I want to use in casual conversation and that is scaring the shit out of me. Right now, judging by the scale in my bathroom, I am dropping 1/2 a pound per day. That’s uhm, noticeable. Noah pointed out that dropping weight quickly (No really–I am eating all that I am supposed to be eating and I’m eating a rather healthy variety) will cause blood sugar issues which make it harder to think. Maybe for the next 11 days I should start eating more food of higher fat/calorie level. [See–this entry so far I’ve had to stop and think for several minutes more than once to think about what words I should be using; that’s just not cool.]

I’m giving up my idea of making a costume for Shanna. 🙁 I’m sad and pissy and frustrated. I just ran out of time with studying and I feel upset and strangely cheated. Yes, I was given a costume I could put her in but frankly it’s not something I would have selected and as I result I just don’t want to. I’m feeling ridiculous and petulant on this topic for no good reason.

There are a variety of things on the sex/play front that are taking up a lot of space in my brain. I don’t have anything useful to say about any of them. It’s all….. AHHHHHHHHHH

And I have a god damn oral report for my Spanish class coming up. I need to do research tomorrow before class so that I can talk to my partner about it. Have I mentioned that I could give a flying fuck about it just now? Oh, I got a B on the last Spanish test. Not that bad.

Not sleeping isn’t going to help me think. But all I want to do is cry.

Oh, and my mom is arriving right after the comp exam for a visit. I think she is staying with us but that hasn’t been actually decided and as my family typically sucks ass at communicating I may not know until she calls me saying, “What’s your address again?” *sigh* So I feel rather shitty about the fact that my house is a huge mess. The clutter isn’t so bad, but it’s rather grossly dirty and frankly that’s low on my priority list to change. Noah will say, “We could pay someone to do it.” Yes, but then I would feel humiliated and pathetic that I can’t do something so simple as to clean my house when that’s a large portion of my job. And I would have to call and schedule it and blah and it’s more energy.

I think I’m going to cry now.

Memeish

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Say something nice about each of the last five people you’ve “broken up with” – romantic break-ups, friendships, whatever.

See, this is the sort of meme I can really get into. 🙂 I’m including me initiating the break up and times when the other person initiated.

E: went far out of his way for me as a boyfriend and as a friend. Tolerated all the quirks I threw at him with a grin.
T: one of the best people I have ever known. He gave me the love and support I needed to grow past my childhood.
J: always willing to be supportive no matter what was happening. He likes people more than almost anyone else I’ve dated and that was neat to be around.
P: he cooked well. I just wish he had been happier about me eating the results. *sigh*
A: gave me the opportunity to find out about a part of myself I had never experienced before. I appreciate the efforts made to accompany me along such a bumpy road. 🙂

I was tempted to put Noah on here. Chronologically he is one of the last five. I decided that was cheating. 🙂

Not done yet…

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but here is a pretty solid beginning on review for the Comp Exam. Continue reading →

My favorite kid song

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This song illustrates why it is better to be a parent now than in the past. The Barenaked Ladies have a really awesome kids album. This is my favorite song off of it.

Stats of the tank.

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She turns 5 months old in 16 hours so I’m a tiny bit early. 🙂

She is now 26.5″ tall and 18.5 lbs. She is barely still in 9 month clothes except for jammies, which have already moved up to 12 months.

Other general updates: sitting up for pretty much as long as she wants to. She can correct from 45 degrees of lean backwards to sitting and she can push herself up from bent in half forward. She can roll in both directions but she rarely bothers. She does push ups about as well as I do. 🙂 She loves to chit chat and has long conversations. She has gotten really grabby. My glasses are no longer safe. She loves to play with books and seems to recognize that Mommy is into books as well. She can now eat with greater purpose and get it over with quicker (thank Gawd). She eats a little bit of avocado but isn’t that interested. She goes ~ 10 hours without a diaper change most nights and gets up and goes on the potty. Most nights she wakes up twice and relatches on my boob, but we both pretty much sleep through these feedings. During growth spurts she will nurse every hour on the hour; those nights are hard. She hates having a dirty diaper and hates having her diaper changed. We need to start trying harder on EC cause she just loathes the whole “diaper” thing. She likes to sit and play with a couple of rattles and books for long periods. Oh! And by far her favorite toy is the ducky that masterfiddler gave us. He lives in the car and she loves her ducky. It’s very cute.

Generally speaking she is an extremely happy and cheerful baby. She loves to be around people and she loves to flirt. She likes playing in the water. If you haven’t met her yet, you should. She’s neat. 🙂 And if you see us out and about and you would like to hold her but feel shy about asking… go ahead and ask. My physical boundaries don’t seem to extend to her. She loves being passed around so I do it.

The universe is hard sometimes

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I have a lot of friends who are hurting lately. They are hurting in a myriad of different ways. Relationships are not happening or ending or rocky or just generally hard. Some are having rough times with kids or lack of kids. Jobs are not terribly stable. Living situations are not terribly stable. People are feeling lonely or sad or depressed or anxious.

I’m going to steal words from a friend for a minute, because they are good words: I love all of you, even those I don’t.

If you read this and you need to talk to someone, I’ll listen. I can do it without giving advice or criticism. No really, I can. 🙂 If you just can’t handle it in the middle of the night–it’s ok to call. Many of you have supported me through my darkest days and the only way I can repay my debt to the universe is to pass on that support. I would like to be able to fulfill my debt someday and it’s going to happen piece by piece. Maybe starting with you.

Calling all Freak Breeders!

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Are you a parent who feels like your friends group doesn’t quite know what to do with you now? Do you feel out of place at most parenting groups? Are you trying to figure out how to meet people outside of the parties you used to attend?

For the purposes of this invitation freak is defined as: genderqueer, kinky, poly, pagan, burner, goth, punk, trans, queer, bisexual, industrial, hippy, AP, or if you just feel like you don’t quite fit in at the local mommy group. You can be any of the above or none of the above. If you think you qualify as a freak, come on down.

It doesn’t matter if your kids are 6 months old, 6 years old, or 16 years old. You are welcome if you want to meet other freaks who can empathize with how being a parent has changed your life. You can be a bio-parent, adoptive parent, or an honorary parent. If you spend a noticeable chunk of your life parenting a child you consider yours, then you count as a breeder in my book. If you choose to reject the label of breeder, that’s fine too.

Come meet other freak breeders at the Oakland Zoo on Saturday November 15th. I will be arriving at 9:30 am. I will hang out outside of the gate till 10. If you would like to go I would love an RSVP so that I know approximately how many to expect: krissy AT bigrock it’s a dot com sort of address. If you RSVP I will also send you my cell phone number so that you can potentially join up with the group in the zoo if you are running a little late.

Please pass this on! Send it to your friends! Put it on your blog! Put it on mailing lists! I hope to meet a great many new freaks in addition to seeing the ones I already know.

Awesome weekend + Group Identity

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Saturday I did Christmas shopping in the morning while Noah gamed then we had a chore filled afternoon and a mellow evening. It was really nice. Sunday I had a great morning with farmer’s market and dim sum. Then I went up to the city by myself. This was our first lengthy mommy-time-off. It worked out fantastically well in my opinion. 🙂 I got to go to the graduation of a wonderful friend from a program that has been very important to her. I was happy and proud to be a witness to her recognition. Yay!

This was from a leather organization and there were several speakers. Five total. The first was a guy I have known for a few years and it was about what I would expect. He’s a really cool guy and I know how important this program is for him. I’m really happy he is so successful. The second was a guy I have seen at cons variously. I wanna talk about him a little.

He (I’m preserving anonymity consciously) is one of the best speakers I have seen in or out of the leather community. Let me tell you–he can sell me any kool-aid he wants. I was ready to line up at the pitcher when he was done talking. He has a beautiful voice and a compelling personality. I believe that the reason he is so compelling for me (and maybe for other people too, it’s hard to judge this sort of thing) is that he is completely at peace with himself and the world. He is a Leather Man. It has helped him feel his place in the universe. He doesn’t judge anyone else for what they do or don’t do. He doesn’t seem to feel superior because he is a Leather Man, he just feels that he is being as true to himself as possible by walking that path. I admire the degree to which he is self-actualized. I admire him the way I admire many people of faith.

Two of the other speakers were exactly what I would expect from this sort of ceremony–friendly and loving towards the people they know but not otherwise extraordinary. Good, solid people with friendly advice. They made me smile. Then we got to the last speaker. He very much meant well and the affection towards him in the room was palpable. Unfortunately, he had exactly the sort of tone that bothers me. Whereas the other major speaker had specifically said that we (I surmised the leather community) shouldn’t have enemies, this person encouraged us/them thinking. He talked about how the graduates are joining the ranks of those who “get” leather. I believe that I understand what he was trying to do and if I were part of that group I would probably smile and nod. But I’m not. And I felt alienated. And when I feel that way about a group I no longer have any interest in joining. I don’t want to do the us/them thing.

I think that this sort of us/them thing exists to fill the same hole churches used to fill. People want a sense of identity with a group and that used to be religion. Honestly, I feel that these sorts of groups are religious in nature whether they mention God or not. There are many groups out there that fall into this category in my mind: Journeyman, AA, Landmark, HAI, Masons, Burning Man, hell even Weight Watchers.

You know what? I don’t want to belong. I don’t want to be a joiner. I don’t want to need a community to set my sense of self. I’m thrilled for my friends who are happier in these communities, but I don’t want to be one of them. It’s an interesting thing to think about.

Slightly longer version

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We are going to go have dim sum this morning. The plan is 10:30 at ABC Seafood in Milpitas. Would anyone care to join us? Give me a call (or Noah) so that I can put in for the correct table size. We are going to hit the farmer’s market before hand so I won’t be sitting at the computer. 🙂

P.S. I love my new food icon. 🙂

Christmas List start

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Maybe Noah should bookmark this entry. 🙂

Clothes in size XL. ETSY sucks for linking to. I like gaiaconceptions shop. Her user id seems to be: 5381559

I’m torn between these boots: first one and these: second one I wouldn’t be upset about either. Size 9 US/7 UK

So I can proclaim loyalty: Geek love Size XL

If these motherfuckers ever get it back in stock I want to replace the shirt Spot gave me: Size medium I miss this shirt since it wore out. *sniff*

I am a big fan of Warm Vanilla Sugar and I will happily replenish stock. 🙂 See, I am a vanilla girl!

I would not be mad if I received a couple of good knives. It would be nice to find out what it is like to use knives that are actually sharp. I’ll be careful; I promise!

Go to: and look for hosiery I’ll wear it for you. 🙂

I haven’t read the last Kushiel book yet and I wanna.

A few other books from my wishlist.

I drool all over these socks. Pretty much all of them.

I’m not going to link to a specific place because they are all over the internet, but a textured shirt would be neato.

Movies: Bedknobs & Broomsticks, Davey Crockett, Ella Enchanted, The Gnomemobile, Lt. Robin Crusoe, Mary Poppins, Newsies, Pollyanna, Watcher in the Woods… it goes on.

Jammies in size 4.

Time to go for now. May be back later. 🙂

For Noah’s sake: pressies are weird. What makes me feel the most cheerful is having a present to open on Christmas Eve (jammies!), and two presents Christmas morning. And then there’s the stocking. Good stockings tend to contain a wide array of things: socks/underwear/a small book/movie/food of some kind/neat pens or pencils/small things that could have been presents/gift cards (like $5 for itunes)/bath products/random stuff good for travel/often a small stuffed animal sort of thing/something small that would be neat in the kitchen could be fun… the list of things that go well in a stocking is long. The main point of a stocking is to have a bunch of small things stuffed into it pretty tight so it feels like a never ending treasure trove. It’s a really awesome feeling.

Doing all of this isn’t cheap, but it doesn’t have to be that expensive either. My mom usually spends in the neighborhood of $100-$150/person for their stocking and presents. That will almost certainly be less than you spend, cause you are like that, but you don’t have to be super extravagant either. A gift bag with three or four pairs of really neato socks counts as a present.

Alcohol.

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I love tequila in lemonade. It’s awesome. But right now I can’t have it. I can’t have it because we are out of mixable tequila. The only tequila we have left is Patron Platinum and that is *not* getting mixed with lemonade. Mmmm. We need to open that bottle soon. Do I have any tequila fans reading? 🙂

Not tired

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But it’s time for bed. Shanna is sleeping in the swing. Noah is in bed. Tonight for no good reason I feel antsy. I want… something.

Ack! Frustration! No, not really. I’m ok. Just energetic at a time I shouldn’t be. 🙂

10 good things

{milestones} Food!

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As a true Californian (9th generation you know) her first food needed to be avocado. And it was:

From Shanna

More if you click through, of course. 🙂

To do

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List making for the sake of list making. 🙂

I want to:
make a Christmas list so I can use it as evidence that Noah has to make one.
talk to mitrian/tshuma/bk2w about gardening. (hey… maybe winter break?)
clean my whole house top to bottom, including getting the cobwebs off of the outside.
have more sex. [hey! I can do that now!!….] [ok, done]
clean and fill the hot tub.
go wine tasting.
figure out a steady time for the gym.
schedule a massage or three.
go on a hike with friends.
finish the write up for the Freak Breeders outing and put it out.
research for the New Zealand trip!
make Shanna’s Halloween costume.

Not in any particular order or time frame. 🙂

Friends don’t let friends….

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Fat Talk

This made me cry. It’s really sad thinking about how much women destroy ourselves.

Being more green

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Are you tired of getting credit card offers? Go here: www.optoutprescreen.com and you can stop them! It took about 3 minutes.

Unfortunately, that’s the easy one. It’s a bit more complicated to get rid of the rest of your junk mail but this site: http://www.obviously.com/junkmail/ tells you how to do it. I’m starting the process.

It’s pretty disgusting how much paper is wasted through junk mail. Don’t you wish that you could help reduce it? 🙂

Mmmm politics

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I’m not posting much about politics, but I want to let ya’ll know that I am enjoying the stuff you are posting. I’m reading it all. I’m also reading various other sources, my personal favorite is realclearpolitics.com which reveals my bias I’m sure.

I/we have donated to Obama more than once. I/we have donated to No on 8 more than once. (Oh by the way honey… I donated again today. 🙂 I think these are both pretty big deals.

My politics have slid in the past year or so from where they used to be. I used to be a rather staunch Libertarian. At this point…I’m less of one. I’m hyper-aware of the fact that I am a very privileged person and I didn’t exactly get here through my own hard work. *cough* Sure, I have done some hard work in my lifetime… but I have not earned my present level of comfort. I kind of wonder if I ever really earned all that I felt I earned. How much of it was given to me? I’m still not real gung-ho on welfare programs, but I do feel that as someone with wealth it is my responsibility to help support the things I want in existence. I want marriage equality for all because why in the hell should I be treated special? I just happened to find a guy I wanted to marry. It didn’t have to be a guy. I want a president I feel some respect for.

I want to encourage my friends who can to put their money where their mouth is. I feel like this election may well be one of the most important ones of our lifetime. I want to know that I did something to help.

You just keep going

Do the best you can