Moving on up

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After being mocked last night by no fewer than three people I caved in. See, I have this uhm thing. I like for Shanna to actually get too big for her clothes before I move up a size. But then she doesn’t look terribly comfortable and she squirms in ways that look like she is demonstrating how uncomfortable she is. I ended up putting jammies on her that were the next size up because that was all I had with me and Noah got validated in his belief that she should be in that size now.

Fine. *sigh*

She’s 16 lbs and 25″ long. But the cloth diapers seem to be pushing her firmly into 6-9 (or 6-12 depending on brand) already. I WANTED TO HAVE A LITTLE BABY LONGER!!!!!!

Cute cafepress baby stuff.

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I post links here so that I don’t have to bookmark. I’m kinda dorky like that.

http://clothing.cafepress.com/item/super-kid-bib/66873912
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/13625898
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/9751228
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/18629146
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/24486358
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/16210113
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/14052005

Curiosity

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Is anyone going up to Manda and Tristan’s wedding this weekend? Uhm, obviously I mean is anyone from my friends list. I’m sure they have friends, I just don’t know how well we will overlap. I’m curious cause I’ve never been to Camp & Sons before and it would be awesome to have someone show me around without having to be you know, gregarious or outgoing or something ridiculous like that.

And they have outlets, right? I won’t have to try and blow up the air mattress with my lungs? 🙂

Oh the cute! And a milestone.

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She is getting pretty close to being able to sit up. See, here’s proof:

From Shanna

And here is right after she was nomming Noah’s head trying to get to his spicy brains. Notice the clever, “What? What did I do?” expression?

From Shanna

And then today I put her down on the bed while I was folding laundry. She played with her toys for a while (ok, she just made them talk back and forth–no really! The voices were awesome.) then she started doing the “I don’t wannnnnna sleep” whine. Then when I looked a minute or so later she was drowsing off. Here is evidence of her first time putting herself to sleep.

From Shanna

This parenting thing is really awesome.

sex

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This is something that I would normally filter to just people who have requested access to my sex life filter, but I don’t want to. Hell, I’m not even going to cut it if it gets long. That’s all the warning you get.

Sex isn’t working how it used to. Hell, it’s barely working at all. Yesterday we got the opportunity to have sex (yay for Miss Jenny!) and we got started in a way that was very consistent with our history of sex together. Namely: not much in the way of foreplay and lots of roughness. At very first it mostly worked and I had one ok-ish very weak orgasm. Then… it just stopped being interesting at all. It wasn’t about what Noah was or wasn’t doing, I just basically checked out. I think I heard some noise that sounded like Shanna so my brain switched off the “sex” part. Noah talked about transitioning into some other rough-ish sort of uhm activity and I get the impression that he could tell from my face that I wasn’t real gung-ho. I was willing enough, but not because I was enjoying the sex. See, I’ve gotten to the point where I am having sex because it makes Noah happy, not because I’m really enjoying the sex. I really want to enjoy the sex; I miss enjoying sex. Theoretically I want sex, I’m just not enjoying it in the moment. My masturbatory life is uhm on hiatus. I try to masturbate every so often and it usually doesn’t work out very well.

I think that a lot of this is because my perspective has changed so drastically. I’ve always been a stories person and the stories that used to get me hot I now think, “If someone did this to my daughter I would castrate them and end up in jail.” I get violently angry. I’m not really sure what to do about this. Other stories have just never been that interesting. My brain is so firmly locked in ‘mommy-mode’ that sex is absent.

Noah offered to stop and just cuddle. He’s awesome like that. He offered to stop pushing for sex and we won’t try again until I actually feel in the mood and want it. I think that is a bad idea. A lot of our overall dynamic is dependent upon him being a very tolerant, cheerful, happy guy and if he doesn’t have sex for a few months that wouldn’t be so true any more. I *need* that from him. As a result I consider it my price to pay that I need to keep having sex whether I’m “in the mood” or not. (It’s not like I actively don’t want to have sex–if that were true I wouldn’t. I’m just not into it.)

I don’t really know what to do right now. I asked him to tell me a funny, silly sex story and we got through sex ok. I didn’t really orgasm during sex again, but it was more fun. It also doesn’t help that my wiring is very different now. I’ve always been a penetration kind of girl. Now it’s… not doing it for me. I need a tremendous amount of external stimulation (it’s like I became a regular girl) and orgasm is far from assured. I feel sorta betrayed by my body actually. Sex was so easy for me and now it’s not. And I don’t have time for the work it would take to figure this out again.

I feel lost and hurt. It’s no one’s fault and no one is doing anything wrong. But sex has always been such a huge part of my identity and now it’s gone.

Birthday reflection

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I didn’t make a cake. I ran out of time. Instead, I went to Mommy and Baby Yoga and helped my back feel better. And I had lunch with a dear old friend and got to see how much he has changed recently. Then I went and bought a jogging stroller via a craigslist ad. It’s in nearly new condition and I paid less than 1/2 the sticker price. Rebecca will be proud of me. I went and gave food to Laura’s cats. Then I came back to the house and got Noah so we could go to dinner with a small-ish group of people. It was lovely.

I got comments from dozens of people. I got text messages and phone calls and emails. I heard from people I haven’t heard from in a long time. (Hey Miss Jenny–remember Grant from Fisher? Holy shit!) I guess putting it out into the universe that I really wanted people to acknowledge my birthday worked. It even extended to people who have no idea about livejournal.

I feel loved and blessed. Thank you all.

Just ’cause

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I’m home! Did anyone miss me? 🙂 I had a good time in the PNW seeing people. I got in a good many quality visits this time which I often don’t manage to do. w00t!
Shanna was awesome. Her fuss was limited to times when she was exhausted or really hungry and even in those times her fuss was very minimal. I declare her a good traveler.
It was exciting trying to figure out how to sleep on a queen sized bed since we are used to a king. Then we got put on a double bed for a night. Maybe we shouldn’t have bitched about the queen… 🙂
My packing list was pretty much perfect. My timing on laundry and what-have-you worked out exactly as I planned. The only extraneous thing was about ten baby wipes and I’m ok with that.
My kid weighs 14.5 pounds. whoa. She’s big. (that’s at 3.5 months)I
Shanna loved playing outside in the grass nekkid. She was walking around and seemed to like the grass under her feet.
I missed the swing.
I didn’t do anything in Portland or Seattle other than seeing people and eating food. I didn’t even go to Powell’s. Seeing people was enough taxing of the kidlet’s patience.
I got to see quite a few little ones on the trip and that was very fun. I’m trying not to compare Shanna in any sort of competitive way but instead just be thrilled at seeing how humans vary.
I’m glad we aren’t traveling again for a few months. That was an awful lot of work for all of us, but mainly for me. I had ridiculous anxiety around packing and getting to places on time and making travel connections. My stomach needs a break from that much acid.
Ok, so I can see how those baby buckets are somewhat convenient. I’m still very happy that I don’t own one because I would be somewhat tempted to let her sit in it and then I would have one more thing to feel guilty about. Oy.
I have a ton of laundry and cleaning to do. This morning I have already cleaned mold out of my cat’s water bowl and cleaned her box. She already hates me less.
I semi-skimmed lj a couple of times when I was gone but not consistently. I may or may not actually catch up. I will do the meme Peter tagged me for though because, DUDE! I got tagged! (I hardly ever get tagged and it’s instant love…)

Poetic Justice

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Shanna was really cheerful and sweet and tolerant all through the shower this morning. Sometimes she’s not, so this was awesome. She was even tolerant of me lying her on the floor of the bathtub so I could get out without dropping her or falling. That is a major concession in her world. So then I wrap towels around each of us and walk in to the changing table. She starts to fuss right before I lay her down. When I bend over to put her on the table I notice…

Big. Huge. Gobs of cheese dripping down my collar bone to my breast and stomach. She’s covered from chin to navel with cheese.

*sigh* So much for not smelling cheesy today.

And of course since she has purged she must refill the tank and nothing will do but nursing for a while.

I used to be able to leave the house in under thirty minutes. Now when I call someone at 9:30 I tell them I *might* be able to get there at 11:30. I’ll call when I can leave the house. *sigh*

Whoa

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So the current cover of the Blowfish catalog looks an awful lot like a dancer. One who is like 18/19ish ok maybe more like 20/21ish cause I forget how long ago I did Fezzi’s. She’s a natural redhead who recently went blonde. She was in the 16 year old gaggle the year I did Fezzi’s. Spurious-Logic seems to hang out with her. She was at waltzingmatthea‘s going away party.

Uhm, is it actually her?

The most awesome kind of productive.

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The kind that results in food. Cooking dinner with Shanna is a hit or miss proposition. Sometimes she sleeps and it’s easy, and sometimes she is awake and fussy and nothing will appease her but my Full Attention. So today in anticipation of the week we cooked a bunch of food. We made a fabulous roast (it’s awesome) and risotto, a nummy veggie/sausage soup for lunches and an apple cake. Veggies for sides are a steam pan away (I can handle that even with a fussy Shanna) and we have polenta in the fridge that requires about five minutes of cooking. I also grated all the cheese we will need for the polenta and risotto topping for the week.

Noah did more than half of the cooking. He has been wonderful. Yay! And we got to take advantage of Shanna sleeping. Today wins. Which is nice because my stupid family sucks as usual. The plans for this afternoon were canceled and I was all set to be whiny but Noah helped my day rock.

If I shopped correctly this morning we will perfectly run out of food Friday at lunch before we run off to the PNW.

dance scene

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I would really like to post to some of the conversations about the sexism in the dance scene with some inflammatory stuff. Maybe something to the effect of: “Those of you who are saying, ‘Well the dance scene is so much safer than other communities’ are stupid!” BULLSHIT. I know more girls/women who have been raped by other dancers than I know people who have been raped in the bdsm scene. I find that fascinating. I know of FAR more ‘mild’ boundary violations in the dance scene than in the bdsm scene. It is worth pointing out that in my mind the ‘dance community’ sort of loosely enfolds Dickens and Faire as well.

The idea that just because the dancers are a “community” women are safer makes me want to puke.

Travel and Socializing

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Goodness gracious we have been seeing a lot of people lately. It’s very cool. paulaandandrew came over last night, my lovely flyinamazon has come over a couple of times, we’ve had visits from blate and yanijc and jkuroda and bk2w and tshuma and angelkatharine and noirem and joedecker. I might be forgetting some of my blessings recently as I’m a total space cadet. I’ve gone out and seen a bunch of other people. I’ve spent time with my sister and cousins and no one fought. (Well, we had a small argument because my sister asserted that she won’t be voting for Obama because he is a Muslim. Uhm, whatever.) Ooh! And Debbie is going to come see me next week! It’s been too long. And have I mentioned that it is really neat that I’m hanging out with Britt so much? I haven’t seen dangerpudding in a bit, but that’ll be remedied next week. 😀

And we have a lot of upcoming travel! Portland weekend after next and we will be staying for over a week. bldrnrpdx I still need to talk to Dad about your event. I’m going to try. The lovely and wonderous Ms. blacksheep_lj will be picking us up from the airport and lending us a carseat. w00t! I get to spend a lot of time with my adored shadowsintime oh, and there will be the wedding for ihotpockets. 😀 There will be a trip up to Seattle to see Jefe and Jen and Rachel and hopefully I hope I’ll get to see malixe and imp-of-satan and meet Henry!

Next month is another wedding, this time with a camping trip involved. We’ll see how camping with a baby goes. woof.

We are going to go see my mommy for Thanksgiving. She’s terribly excited.

And New Zealand in February. I think I need to stop complaining about my life. (Ok, I don’t complain much… but any at all seems like a stretch.)

{disclaimer: if I’ve left your name out, feel free to poke me. My memory is not what it once was and it was never amazing.}

{Edited to add: satyrlovesong and ribbin both came over too!} (See, I want to keep track because I get in these moods where “nobody loves me, everybody hates me” and it’s just bolgona. So now I have a list of who loves me. :D)