Lizard updating

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Saw my midwife for my 31 week appointment today. We got to talk about a lot of different things. Have I mentioned that having a midwife is far superior to having a doctor? We sit around and chat about all the things I have been obsessing about and she is completely relaxed about everything. She gives me gentle coaxing about stuff that I should still work on (eating more vegetables [but they taste bad!] and exercising) but if I tell her that I really believe I am doing the best I can do she doesn’t pressure me or make me feel bad. Go midwife!

We talked about the possibility of laboring in our hot tub but reached the conclusion that the actual birth should probably happen in the birthing tub because you push lots of gross stuff out during birth and that’s not so awesome for the hot tub. It’s also harder to catch the baby in deep water and it’s harder to get out before the placenta comes. (She strongly recommends getting out before the placenta comes.) Seems reasonable and prudent so we will probably treat that as Plan A. 🙂

I’m up four pounds in the last two weeks. She thinks this is fabulous. I have a teeny tiny smidgin of societal guilt over gaining four pounds in two weeks, but mostly I think it is awesome. Maybe I will make it to 20 lbs after all. 🙂 All of my blood work came back as ridiculously healthy. Go me. Not even close to being diabetic. I’m still sorta barely close to being anemic, but when you are pregnant you technically move over on the spectrum and for a pregnant chick I’m doing great. w00t.

I’m still measuring a week big which is completely consistent for me. We talked about the fact that ultrasound due dates aren’t necessarily accurate, but neither are last period date due dates. So we looked at the calendar and decided that as long as the kid is still feeling big (which it is) it will be ok for me to do a homebirth anytime after April 25th. Because of due date wackiness that is a full month earlier than the ultrasound due date. That’s uhh 4 1/2 weeks away. Holy shit. That’s like, fucking soon. Given that the head is engaged in the pelvis already it’s kind of nerve wracking to think about–but in that ecstatically excited sort of nerve wracking way. 🙂 I’M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!! It’s kind of funny that it is only really hitting me in stages.

Wow. This is so cool.

Appreciation

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So uhhh I have had a rather rocky few days. I’ve been really emotional and sad and punchy and difficult to deal with. By and large my friends have been really supportive. I’m glad that I mostly have my friends trained to not tell me to look on the bright side and instead they pat me on the head and validate my feelings. I really appreciate that. Noah is the best husband ever. Even though it was pretty obvious near the end that he was getting frazzled and wore out he was really supportive and awesome. He never put down what I was feeling or told me that I should get over it. (Even when maybe I should.) And so in the end when that string of feeling really fussy and unhappy got worked through I don’t feel bad about having gone through it. I’m pregnant and largely at the mercy of hormones. I have friends and a husband who love me and tolerate my moods. My life is really good.

And then I went and got a pretty neat rocker today from . Too bad I left the cushion at her house. 🙂 Guess I’ll have to see if anyone up in the east bay wants to see me sometime this week so I can make the drive multi-purpose. 🙂

body angst

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So much of how I see myself is wrapped up in my competence. For all that I make fun of not being good at things, no really–I am fuck-you good at a lot of things.

And I can’t do them right now. And my body is awkward. And I feel stupid and lame and like I’m a big fat failure. “I know that isn’t true.” It’s how I feel. It really hurts watching people go off and do things that I am really good at and I can’t do it. Hell, it’s annoying that getting up from furniture is getting difficult sometimes. Even as I accept help I feel like I am more and more pathetic.

Tonight isn’t my best night ever.

{dirty} What is sex?

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I’m curious how people define sex. Or rather, what people think about specific sex acts. So I made a poll. (It’s the easiest way to get feedback cause ya’ll are lazy.) Some of the questions are radio, some are checkbox because on the radio ones I think you only get to pick one answer, damnit. I reference you “list” a bit not because I think everyone actually keeps a list of who they have sex with but more because if you were going to write down for posterity who you have had sex with, would this person make the cut? Feel free to elaborate in comments. 🙂

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+/-

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+ Listening to Barack Obama’s speech. He’s a fucking amazing speaker.
– Getting back my short paper with an embarrassing number of grammar mistakes. I don’t know where my head is.
+ Being more generally cheerful about the Lizard hatching.
– Why do I always manage to have a couple of people in each class who detest me and make it obvious? Am I really *that* obnoxious?
+ Yay Spring Break!
– Boo having to write my term papers in the next four weeks. Ew.
+ I’m amused by how often questions have come up in different forums about playing while pregnant. I don’t remember seeing this question much over the years and now I’ve seen it in I think seven different places.
+ Friends who are making an effort to see me. Thank you!
+ Lots of neato comments/conversation lately on lj. Yay!
+ Noah. Cause you know… just awesome. He’s like that.
+ For finally taking the risk of buying bras online. I may have to send them back for sizing, but damnit… I finally did it.
– I’m rapidly expanding out of my pants. Can it hurry up and get warm and stay warm already? (Neiner to you out of state people. We’ve had a lot of high 60’s lately. 🙂
– The house is not sold. No offers. No real interest in even looking. 🙁
+ The shirt and underwear (and rope) showed up from Monk. I’m thinking pictures will be very amusing. 🙂
+ Talking to Tom a bit more. I’m really excited that we are more to a place where I will actually use the word “friend” to describe our relationship. And I get to be excited about the good things happening in his life. It’s nice when awesome people find a partner who matches them and makes them happy. And dude is doing yoga!! I’m so tweaked by this. 🙂 Yay for making life improvements.
– Need to stop reading blogs that irritate me. My life is really good–why am I looking for reasons to be annoyed?
+ Apologizing to Mo for being a twat. I feel better when I get to say I’m sorry. Good thing she still loves me.
– People I haven’t called lately. I should try harder. Miss them.

Maturity

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I was talking with someone recently about the idea that someone else believes that she is mature. The person I was talking to and I were a bit… skeptical about this assessment. I brought it up with Noah as a slightly more abstract conversation and he gave me a perspective that I haven’t ever heard before. He said that people like to say they are “mature for their age” and what they mean is they are doing things they were told they can’t do yet due to age. Like drinking before you are 21, this is not actually a sign of maturity–more a sign that you believe that the rules shouldn’t apply to you. I think we mostly agreed that actual maturity is more about learning to accept responsibility for your actions. I would be a bit harsher and say that I think maturity is when you not only have to accept responsibility for your own actions, but when you start actively learning from your mistakes and you stop doing things that have worked out badly for you in the past.

I’m curious though–what do other people think “maturity” means?

Good news!

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So I called my mom and my sister this morning. They have both agreed that it is a good idea for the three of us to sit down with a conflict mediator and get through some of the elephants in the room. I’m more than a little surprised that they both agreed to it. My sister agreed with alacrity and cheer–that was even more shocking. We had a really nice half hour conversation around wanting to deal with stuff. My mom was less immediately interested, but still willing. This is so awesome.

Now I need to find a conflict mediator of some sort for the three of us to talk to. Does anyone have any idea how I would go about finding someone for this? A therapist would probably be decent as well, but I think that someone who is just there to say things like, “So it sounds like you are getting defensive and I don’t think that was meant as an attack” would be awesome. All three of us are oversensitive to feeling attacked and that is part of why things blow up so regularly.

Any suggestions?

Random thought

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I sing songs that I learned in church pretty often. Pretty much only when I’m alone though. I wonder if my kids will want to learn them/sing them with me and I wonder what message they will actually get from them. I wonder if my kids will turn into devout atheists like Noah or if they will have a weird, hard to quantify but definite belief in the Divine the way I do. Or… weirder still… will my kids become actual Honest-to-Gawd Christians?

Ouch.

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I was finally told that the organizers don’t want me involved with Camp Everytown this year. They have a good reason. I don’t blame them. Rejection still hurts. It’s awesome to be reminded again how unsuitable my background makes me for things that are no big deal for other people.

This also means that when Noah is off next weekend at all day classes I will be on my own.

Trust

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Today I got to spend some time with a cool person. This person chose to trust me with something really important. I’m sad that this person had the experience, but I feel pretty proud of the fact that I am safe enough to share it with.

Validation of non-suckage is really nice.

{dirtier} Looking back

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Last night I just couldn’t get to sleep, so I woke Noah up and we had hot sex. It was good. Then afterwards we had a conversation about how common female orgasm is. (Or apparently not common–these are things I don’t know.) This lead to me reminiscing about my pre-orgasmic sexual experiences. I listed off the various people and experiences with them I had and there was one big point that was amusing to me. Pre-orgasm the boy-girl distribution of sex partners wasn’t quite 50-50 but it was probably 60-40ish. (Uhm, not that there were a hundred of them, but you get the point.) After learning how to orgasm it has been more like 85-15.

That’s a big freakin difference. So now I’m thinking about why and I think that part of it is that the women I tend to go for are pretty passive. The vast majority of women I have had sex with are complete pillow princesses, and I don’t generally get off on being the active partner so… Most of my adult sex experiences with women have consisted of me getting them off with very little reciprocation. I’m willing to bet that a lot of them would have done more if I had asked, but telling someone to do stuff to me is really not my thing. That’s why I don’t sleep with submissive men.

It’s probably a very broken thing in my head that men can be passive or aggressive but women are just passive (at sex). Hm.

Boring.

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Right now my life consists of: reading literary criticism, reading assigned novels for class, cleaning the house (we have to keep it ridiculously clean for open houses), playing sudoku (I can beat the medium level in under 6 minutes consistently), chatting (thank you GOD for IM), going to physical care appointments and birth classes, and obsessing about pregnancy.

No wonder when I get to see people I am super duper cheerful about seeing them. 🙂 We are managing social about twice a week and I’m so grateful when I get to see people. This is a really really good time to want to come visit me. I don’t have a lot of energy and I am getting more and more physically limited, but I can walk around the park. Driving is really not fun for my back so I’m not going too far if I don’t have to. Large parties are not very interesting because they tend to be full of people I don’t know and I’m not exactly feeling outgoing/gregarious in that way. I can’t win over a room right now. So really, if you have been saying, “Oh! I would like to see her!” This would be a good time. If you wanting to see me involves me having to do a lot of effort and/or driving I may turn you down cause I am lame. But if people want to come here that would be awesome. 🙂

News from my midwife.

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My uterus hasn’t really gotten bigger since the last appointment and yup the Lizard has shifted around noticeably. This is neutral to good. She thinks dropping the irritating birthing class is a great plan and she also thinks my attitude about pain in birth is a really awesome thing.

She told me that 3% of births in this country happen completely naturally. This is pretty interesting because most of the studies I have seen have indicated that around 95% of births can/should happen completely naturally. Awesome. We have passed Brazil as the C-section leader of the world.

No wonder I feel like generic people are telling me that I *have* to have an interfered with labor. It really is the norm. (I’m not saying that anyone reading this qualifies as “generic people” in my life.)

Feelings about birth.

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Since this keeps coming up. 🙂

I am not feeling any conflict about birth internally–it’s all coming from the messages people are giving me repeatedly. I think it’ll be an amazing experience unlike anything I have been through before. My research indicates that birth doesn’t have to hurt. It’s possible to breathe and relax and go with your body’s rhythm enough to let it be about intense sensation and pressure, but not pain. Does this mean that I believe it will not ever hurt me at all? Well… I don’t know. I’m working on the assumption at this point that birth doesn’t have to hurt so I’m trying to go with that idea. I don’t appreciate being told over and over that the process will hurt because if you believe something in your head you will create that reality. Right now the reality I’m working with tells me that my body is built and designed to do this, the women in my family tend to have a rather easy time of doing this, and if I keep calm and chill that this is probably going to be not painful.

I would really like it if other people helped reaffirm my position instead of arguing with it. Arguing with it will not help me or anyone else. Pain comes from fear, tension, fighting the process, etc. In our society in general we are told to be afraid of birth and I understand that the vast majority of women in America have totally bought into that mindset. I haven’t. I’m not saying anything about the experience of other people in terms of what they should/shouldn’t do/have done. I’m saying that if you think I am bat shit crazy and you totally disagree with my overly optimistic view of birth given what you went through it would still be nice if I got a pat on the head and a “I hope that works out for you.” 🙂

It’s not like I have a choice about going through birth at this point. Right now I think good and positive things about the experience. I want to keep this mindset for the next three months. Maybe after the Lizard is born I will post saying, “Wow. I’m a naive motherfucker and that shit hurt.” I’m not saying it is impossible. I’m saying that I believe that is not the only possible outcome and that I am just as likely to say, “That was really intense. I’m not sure I need to experience that again in the next year or so.” Or maybe I will say, “That was fucking awesome. Yeah, some parts were not great, but I feel like that enriched my view of the universe and I’m really happy I did it.” I’m hoping that the vote ends up in column C. 🙂

whoo boy that’s a roller coaster.

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So I got to play on Saturday. That was fun. It was a pretty decent scene. We asked one of my dearest friends to join us and it was all happy and fun and such. Except for that crying part. That was less “happy”.

Yesterday was a complete and total roller coaster day and I think it was cause of of playing. I went between angsty and fussy and angry all day. (It didn’t help that my tummy felt awful for a lot of the day and it was 77 degrees so my body was like WTF IS IT SO HOT FOR. I don’t like warmth much.) So I try to process. Cause I’m like that.

I was irritated because yesterday the marks from the scratching (with a knife) made it really hard to sleep after playing so I got almost no sleep Saturday night. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping on my side in one position all night anyway–having to do it on *one* side because the other side was mucho owie just caused problems.

I also found that in retrospect I had a hard time dealing with the fact that Noah and our friend were both trying to push me in terms of how much pain I could handle. When I settled into a given level of ouchie they upped it. Then upped it. Then upped it. Until I broke down crying. Then they went “ahhhhh” and stopped and were lovey and affectionate. Yesterday I felt like, “Why did you need to push until I failed?” So much of what is happening to my body right now is beyond my control and I feel like I am sucking over and over. I’m not sure it was a good thing to push things until I broke. 🙁 I still feel like a failure because I couldn’t handle what they wanted to do to me. Ok, I know that they were going to keep pushing and pushing for a long time, but in my competitive masochist sort of way I don’t like it when I have to cry uncle first. So I’m mad at me and kind of mad at them. (Not real mad. Still glad I got to play at all.)

I’m also fussy because I think I want to fire one of our birth classes. No, I don’t want to come draw a picture and tell you how I feel about it. I did that shit when I was officially crazy as a teenager and I don’t want to fucking do it now. I’m feeling really angry about the lack of information in the class compared to the amount of woo-woo crap. (Uhm, no offense to any woo-woo types reading this. If it works for you, awesome. Is not my thing.) So If feel hostile and defensive when I go. Why am I going then? Oh, we had birthing class last night and I had to go argue with them telling them that no, I am not going to be “drawing my birth landscape so I can tell you how I feel about it.” I also didn’t appreciate being told that since my big focus in birth is that I want to trust my body and my instincts to tell me what is right over the random advice of other people that I should “soften around this idea because I’m not necessarily right”. I wanted to walk out right then. Because you know what you woo-woo bitch, you are exactly who I shouldn’t listen to.

And Noah wisely pointed out yesterday that I probably shouldn’t have any more lumps of lard and meat (but chicken nuggets are SO TASTY) because my stomach hurt massively all day after having it. Which probably contributed to me being such a bitch.

Ok, this roller coaster of emotions is getting old. I want off. And I woke up in a foul mood. I have class tonight. Awesome.

1st draft of critical response

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I’m writing an essay criticizing a piece of criticism. There’s intellectual wankery for you. I’m not satisfied with it yet, but I’m not sure how I want to fix it. I figure that ye olde intarweb often gives me good feedback, so if you are bored and you want to skim it (about 3 pages) I’m not turning it in until Monday. 🙂 Feedback is appreciated.

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fuss

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This morning my back hurts. Many mornings my back isn’t happy, but this morning it really hurts. As a result I want to be massively snippy and nasty. I think I am refraining, but I feel miserable. Sleeping is the main thing that makes my back hurt the most so it is negating a lot of the value of sleep.

However, given the list of potential pregnancy side effects:

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