“This ones for the girls about 25.
Living in a little apartment just trying to get by.
Living on dreams and spaghetti o’s
Wondering where their life is gonna go.”

When this song came out several years ago I was living with Tom and I felt like I had skipped this stage of life. It’s interesting that I have gotten back here. I had some thought not too long ago that living with Tom was arguably me living with a parental figure. I feel like I have to grow up now and figure stuff out for myself.

I saw him the other night. He was not very polite, let alone friendly. So much for “Let’s be friends.” I was very hurt by his behavior, but there is not much I can do about it. There is no point in mourning him anymore.

I feel like I am working on figuring me out and that is good. I recently asked what is the point of being single and I got some good/interesting answers. I do think that I am vascilating between an odd sort of baseline and relationship behavior. Although I am not entirely sure why I change so much between feeling single and being in relationships.

Lessons to take with me into my life: for some reason when I get into a relationship I start to feel guilty about the things I do when I am single, i.e. casual sex and sex parties. I don’t know that any of my major relationship partners have wanted me to feel this way, it is just something I do to myself. I need to examine this more. I seem to have some preconceived notions that in order to ‘deserve’ a significant relationship I ought to be a “good girl” and for whatever societal brainwashing reason I don’t actually think I am one. So I try to stifle many of the things that constitute me. This is weird though because I really don’t feel like I am poly. Or maybe it is that I am not polyamorous specifically in that having several relationships doesn’t seem to work for me and I resent the shit out of the time they take away from me when I want to be with someone. I just like going to parties and sleeping with people sometimes. I don’t know how to find a partner who would be ok with the level of not-really poly that I want. Hell, I don’t know how to find a partner with a high sex drive period. *sigh* I’m really tired of feeling guilty for having a high sex drive.

I don’t necessarily need public play, I’m not really that attached to it really, but I do want to be part of the scene in some way. I like having friends whom I can share that part of myself with. I like not always feeling like a freak in the circus just because I am kinky. I like the scene more for the friendships than for the hunting and I would like to find someone who feels similarly.

I think one of the hardest things that I still haven’t really managed to internalize is that I need to be more ok with being alone as I do things. I really suck at this. I do have fun when I go places alone, but if I have a partner I will sit at home rather than go out and that creates a variety of problems. I need to stop immersing myself into relationships. I need to maintain separate time and hobbies and friends. I really suck at this though. I’m working on it though.