So in the past 40-ish hours I have been with the Puppy for all but about 9 hours. How in the world did that happen? And how did I never get irritated with him? And why was it so freakin hard to let him leave? And he didn’t want to leave–I basically had to push him out the door because he really needed to go to work. We are both a bit blown away by this. And before he will step out the door he has to ask, “When do I get to see you next?”

For the past two nights I have been having trouble sleeping… but not because I am having trouble sleeping. Because I keep initiating sex in my sleep and then we do some serious making out and heavy petting and then we both kind of screech with frustration and pull away and try to go back to sleep. I think we are both about ready to stop waiting. HA! We need to have sex because we need to be able to freakin sleep! And right now… yeah… we are both feeling a wee bit frustrated with wanting one another and not following up on it. It’s been a little bit since I have had sex with anyone. I am about to crawl the walls. He asked me a question this morning that was uhm…. kind of hard for me to answer. He said, “Since this is potentially your last chance for a while to have sex with other people, why aren’t you going nuts sleeping with as many of your partners as possible?” “Because I don’t want sex. I want to have sex with you.” His ego is getting out of control. Ha. 🙂 It is kind of weird. Because I have been thinking about the fact that this really is likely to be my last chance to sleep with others for a while and I just don’t want to. I have been thinking longingly about Noah and Akien in particular as I am about to kill the motor on my poor Hitachi, and yet… I don’t want to call them. I don’t know why. I somehow seem to think it would be disloyal–even though it wouldn’t be.

Our conversation about female partners was rather heated as well. He gave me the “girls don’t count” line about continuing my relationships with women and was a bit blown away by how vehemently I informed him that yes they do count and he should be more worried by my being with women than by my being with men. It was quite a conversation. Eventually we reached the conclusion that though women don’t hit the same insecurity sensors in his brain, I consider monogamy monogamy. And that is that. So yeah. It was interesting.

This could be a long thing. That is terrifying me, yet I feel so comfortable with him. Just breathe. I am so glad that there are some big factors that are preventing this from getting any more intense than it already is. Namely: we both have insane schedules and we just aren’t able to spend any more time together than we do. Although I have basically reached the conclusion that I probably won’t be doing any Renn Faire’s this summer. I have so much going on already and I think it would be more stress for me than fun. Not to mention that I can’t make any pryactices before the summer is well under way and my perfectionist nature doesn’t like to think about going as part of a performance troupe when I don’t know the dances. I am starting to look into summer job type things because it will be nice to have more money and stuff to do when the semester ends. I am actually thinking that after spring break I will start looking for a job anyway just because scheduling didn’t end up the way I had anticipated and I have a little more time than I really need to sit around. And I want toys. 🙂 I’m thinking about taking off for spring break though, so I’m not going to do it before then. It seems really weird to me that there are only two weeks of school left after spring break. I should probably do a bunch of homework next two weeks and be basically done for the semester by spring break. That wouldn’t suck. And I have Wednesdays and Thursdays back. (After looking at my green sheets…)

This is my challenge to myself: I want to be completely done with all possible assigments (there is one I can’t do yet) by March 24th. This gives me 15 days. I have at least 7 days in which I can spend 6+ hours on this work. I can do this. No problem. And then I can delightfully slack for the remaining 3 weeks. 🙂 Yay! I like challenges.

Oh: I have been going to the gym a lot. I am sore. I also feel a bit better than I have been feeling. It is goodness. Due to funkiness about food selections I have had meat like 5 times in the past 6 weeks and I’m ok with that, but I am still trying to avoid meat in general. I don’t know how much longer this is going to go on. I’m feeling physically really good though. I think part of it is that I have been putting good stuff into my body through trying really hard to be consciously balanced in my eating.

I am so infatuated and happy and giggly and absolutely delighted with life right now.

We went wine tasting today after snuggling and having the most amazing non-penetrative sex I’ve ever had all night. We basically didn’t sleep. No one was penetrated at all. But I would classify what happened very firmly as sex. It was emotional and hot and fantastic.

This is so wonderful.

We talked and talked and talked about how we each feel about relationships we have had. We talked about my being bipolar. We talked about what we have each traditionally done in our relationships to keep our partners happy. We talked about what we want in the future. We talked about what we both think D/s means. We went through comrpomises that are ok and that aren’t.

I love his humor. I love his smile. He has the sweetest smile. Oh god.

Have I mentioned that when I call him Puppy he barks? OHMYGOD it is the cutest thing ever. And he barks when I meow. It is really sweet.

What am I getting into?

Are you sure?

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/bubblewrap.swf

I am so not kidding. Don’t ask me how long I did this.

And Tom sent me: http://www.compfused.com/directlink/615/ I’m not sure if I have told ya’ll about Tom and my’s thing about Baby Got Back…

Have I mentioned that I am twitterpated? I can’t believe how well we fit together sleeping. I thought it was going to be awkward, because he is so skinny. I get to sleep there again tonight.

Falling. Hard.

So the Puppy called me as I was filling the bathtub and talked to me for two hours on Friday. That was really fabulous. The bath was fun in general. Saturday was awesome. I spent the day doing chain mail and talking to a cool Burner chick I know through tribe people. Saturday night was a nice dinner with the Puppy before we went to a fabulous birthday party. I was feeling less social than usual, but I managed to remain mostly perky throughout the night. Then the Puppy and I went back to his home and played. It was good. We still have not had sex. He’s mean. YAY!! Sunday we woke up and talked and snuggled and kissed and made pancakes for both of us a bacon for him. We wandered around the city for a while and walked past Sam. Oh goody. We found a way fun bookstore and browsed for a while. On the way back we had an interesting conversation about how we are both not perfectly happy with our respective bodies and we are both very happy with the other’s body. Go figure. But we decided to start a contest anyway. He wants to be stronger and I want to be smaller. (The weight has been creeping back on me.) So he needs to be able to do 5 more pounds on his bicepts (we picked this somewhat arbitrarily) and I am going to lose an inch from my waist. If he finishes first he gets to give me a really long, hard flogging. I haven’t told him what I want if I win yet. I am thinking about it. Either way will be stuff that would probably happen anyway–but it is fun to play this game.

Eventually I wandered to see other friends and tied up a hot girl and stood behind her while a fabulous man single tailed her till she was all bloody. God that was hot. I enjoyed seeing so many friends this weekend!

I went to the gym tonight. I am so determined to win!!

Oh. I forgot to mention that I fell off the vegetarian wagon on Thursday. I had steak. Rare. Twice. And then I started my period. Coincidence? I think not. I was craving Bloody Red Meat so bad I was about to scream. So I had some. It was GOOD.

Oh—hey there pretty little Kitty. I made a comment earlier that may have been rude about my not being able to eat like you. I am very sorry if I sounded as rude to you as I did in my head. I have a few personal issues around being stupidly jealous of girls like you who are thin without trying when I struggle so hard to maintain a reasonable size. I am really sorry if I offended you.

So instead I will pour myself a stiff drink and climb in Miss Jenny and Miss Sara’s bathtub. When I am done in there I will put my hair up in curlers so that I can look very good tomorrow. Either I will be impressing a whole lot of nobody, or I will be going to a party. I might as well be optimistic.

I do have lots of flowers, and that is all cheery and wonderful.

Akien and the Puppy. 🙂

The Puppy brought them on our second date and Akien brought me flowers to help me feel better today. So I have messloads of roses. It is really wonderful!

Damnit.

So much for my plans.

Tonight I am sitting home and feeling self pity.

I am so sick of being sick. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

The less than goodness is: I’m sick. Again. GRRRRRRRRRRRR This time it is sore throat/cough/congestion. Yesterday was the last day of the medical study and I was higher than a freakin kite and feeling crappy all afterwards. I passed out on the couch in the English Society lounge and slept through my classes. Oh well.
All sorts of stuff about relationships

I’m having an attack of my academic inferiority complex. Most of my friends went to fairly prestigious schools: Cal Tech, MIT, Stanford, CMU… the list goes on a bit but those are the main ones. Sometimes when they talk about their classes I feel really pathetic because I don’t think I could have competed. I didn’t even try to get into a better school than CSUH. It was the only school I applied to. I was afraid of not being accepted. I was afraid of the potential debt that would accrue at a better school.

I keep thinking about going for my PhD as a way of proving that I am as smart as my friends, but I doubt it would actually work. I would still feel like, “Oh. It’s just in English. That isn’t a big deal.” I read 150 pages of Middlemarch last night in just over an hour. A friend asked me what I was doing and when I told him I prefaced it with several disclaimers about how anyone can do it and it isn’t a big deal. He tried to assure me that no, actually he a)wouldn’t be able to read anything so fast and b)probably wouldn’t really understand a Victorian novel. But, yeah. I don’t believe it. I don’t feel like I do anything particularly challenging for my degree. I feel like I am a total fraud. I say that I’m in grad school, but I feel like I don’t deserve the title because I’m not smart enough. 🙁

And now I am going to run off to be poked and burned. I’m not actually in the mood at all, but it is the last day.

I finally finished my homework. Tomorrow is the last day I have to get up early in the morning for a while.

*sigh* I’m exhausted but not “sleepy.” I hate that.

I had a good day today. I got to spend time with the coolest most wonderfulest joedecker ever. I ran into a cool chick at school and talked to her instead of finishing my homework in a timely fashion.

The next few days are packed with stuff.
Tomorrow is the last day I will get poked and burned. I’m really happy about the ‘not having to drive to Menlo Park in the morning’ part of it being over. I will have lunch with my emotional crack boy (he seems to be losing his hold over me–I consider this good news. It only took a year.) and then hanging out with a school person. He was in the writing class I did. (I tried to find more links to stories, but I posted them elsewhere.) I get to engage in intellectual snobbery as we snidely discuss all the peons in the Ed department. Then I suffer through hours and hours of stupid class. Then I go see the Noah.
Friday I get to exercise with this cute girl (yay for encouragement). I have a date with the service type couple (though the wife is out of town right now).
Saturday I am going to go be crafty with a tribe chick up in Berkeley (I have actually met her in person numerous times.) I will probably have dinner with the Puppy and then go to a birthday party.
Sunday I am going to snuggle with the cutest Keri ever and meet Beth and see Darin!

Woof. Good thing I have Monday to recover. *giggle* Woof. Puppy. Woof.

Yeah. You guys all think I’m crazy. It will make more sense soon.

The exchange of ignorance is not communication.

When does something cross from being having sex to dating?

When does something cross from dating to being a relationship?

When does something cross from being a relationship to being a Relationship?

At what point in this process does “breaking up” become necessary?

English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 77% Expert!
You did so extremely well, even I can’t find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don’t. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you’re not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
If you liked this test, try out my English Punctuation test. I’m sure you’ll do well on that one also!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

Hey! If you liked my test, send the link to your friends. They don’t need to be OkCupid members to take it.
The Commonly Confused Words Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=14457200288064322170

I made a promise last night that I can’t believe I made. It is going to have serious repurcusions through my uhm…*cough* social calendar.

I’m not ready to post about this situation yet.

Red long-sleeved latex shirt with a zipper up the front.

Black latex underwear (mostly covers my ass)

Of course high black boots

black tights or nylons?

I’ve been having this recurring dream. I am watching this scene mostly from the third person point of view, but at times I seem to be “in the head” of either of the two main characters.

There is this man who has escaped from prison. He is an Evil Criminal Mastermind type. I don’t know what all he has done–but name it and he probably has. I open upon him in a room at a hotel getting ready to go out. I see a detective bearing in on the hotel. I don’t know why there is just one person after this guy, but there is. (The setting looks Edwardian London.) The detective gets near the man as the man is leaving the hotel. A chase ensues! The man evades the detective by jumping off a pier and swimming to a different part of the shore. I don’t think the detective can swim, but I don’t know how/why the man knows this. The man gets back to shore and waits, dripping to see who leaves a nearby house (it looks like it is time to go to work) and he breaks into the house when the man leaves. He bathes and takes clothing. The man goes and sets up a reservation at another hotel. He is posing as a Viennese doctor in town for a conference. He has some sort of dummy that is supposedly his father who has some sort of disease and can’t walk right. It is bizarre. The man goes up to the hotel room, it looks like a big windy house–like the hotels in London actually. 🙂

He is plotting something and I can’t tell what. Once again, the detective gets close and he flees….

That is about as far as I get. Throughout this dream the details are excrutiatingly vivid when I am in the dream. There are conversations and small nuances of feeling in everything. I see their clothing in gorgeous detail and how they do their hair and… I don’t know what it is supposed to mean. Usually my recurring dreams end up meaning something. This one is baffling the hell out of me.

I also didn’t sleep well last night. I didn’t fall asleep until way late because I was giddy and excited about something, but then I woke up at 7 and just couldn’t really get back to sleep. I got to snuggle on Wednesday with someone I “fit” with and I think last night was backlash of being alone again. 🙁

Apparently I am going to Wicked City.

*blush*

*stammer*

Uhm. Yeah. It is something I just really need to do. I will be showing up late after a birthday party. But uhm… yeah… I need to go.

*blush*

*giggle*

*squirm*

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been so happy and excited for the past two days. Then today I talked to Anna on the phone. I called her to be gushy about something that is going well for me. About five minutes into the conversation she said, “And do you want to hear my good news?” “unh” That was about as much enthusiasm as I displayed. She doesn’t call me to tell me about things. Instead, she waits for me to have something I want to talk about and she hijacks the conversation. We always have to end up focusing on her. And the stuff she wants to focus on usually sucks. I end most conversations with her feeling upset.

Today she was telling me about how she is applying to Arizona State U for med school. She will be doing so commuting from her parents house. She wants me to be excited for her. Her parents are abusive, negative, belligerent assholes. They treat her profoundly badly and no, I don’t fucking feel happy about her moving there. It isn’t because I am sad she is moving out of state—I already hardly see her. She will move in with her parents and go back into being abused. Why in the fuck should I be happy about this? Not to mention that my pessimistic nature tells me that she won’t be accepted into med school. Her grades are horrible. Her MCAT scores are not high enough. I just don’t understand why she thinks that giving up on her friends and life and moving out of state for a dream that isn’t likely to come true is a good idea.

I’m feeling really upset by my interaction with her. Why do I continue to associate with her? I have felt for a while that we are moving further apart. I haven’t considered her my best friend for quite some time. I’m beginning to wonder if she is even a friend. I’m sad about the situation.

I was asked yesterday if I surround myself with people who are constantly in crises. Maybe I do. She is certainly one example of such a person. In the main I don’t think I do though. It makes me think that maybe if I can’t handle her heavy level of drama that I should start creating more distance there. I wonder how long it would be before she would call me. I practically hung up on her today. I finally interrupted her long spiel about why it was a good idea and told her why it isn’t a good idea and brought up several examples from her previous history with her parents. She said, “I don’t remember that.” She has a bloody convenient memory. She acknowledged that I have asked her not to tell me about her parents and her interactions with them because I get angry on her behalf. She said, “I’m trying to tell you less of the upsetting stuff.” I told her that she isn’t succeeding. Then I said I had to go because I had class and I hung up without waiting for her to say goodbye.

I feel like I just lost my friend.

On Wednesday I went over to the house of the couple that I am considering service for. I am a truly odd duck. I ended up spending about four hours cleaning their house in my underwear (he would have preferred naked but he allowed me to be shy because it was the first time). [For ease, he is G she is D.] D was at work, so I never did see her. Their two daughters were off at day care. I had not really understood that it was to be a day of service. So I was wearing inappropriate underwear. I get the impression that this error will be tolerated once and in the future will result in punishment. He has a dress code. Although it is always acceptable to simply go without underwear, which I dislike. So I guess I better start wearing thongs when I go over there. It is funny to me that I own a number of thongs, but I never wear them. Ok, I wear them to events where I will be running around in underwear because they are somehow sexier. Only, I find them uncomfortable and I think that is less than sexy.

I found myself at times feeling impatient some moments with how much time he wanted to spend! If I had tasks to accomplish he should just let me do them! Silly man. He wants to distract me with spanking me. It didn’t suck, but I was still feeling anxious about finishing. He later told me that he believed from the beginning that I would not be able to finish. I think I would have been able to if I had been dedicated in my efforts. But it is ok. As long as I am performing up to his standards then the relationship is doing well. Wow. What a thing to say. Where are my standards in the equation? I’m not sure yet.

He follows a formality of protocol that I am unused to. As Chris tells me, D/s can be created from the outset and G manages that. I felt somewhat disconcerted by the lack of romance type feeling. I was truly doing this just to serve. Service for the sake of service. I was not serving him out of love. At some point in the day it occurred to me that I was serving D more than I was serving G because all of these things would eventually have had to happen and D would have been the one to do them. I really liked thinking about making her life easier.

These early interactions are going well. I liked that he required me to dress him. And I got to shine his shoes. Yay for shining shoes. He has high hopes for the relationship. He thinks it will turn into a long-term triad. I think once again, that a relationship can’t have a future until it has had a past. Building sand castles in the air worries me. Who freakin knows what it will turn into. I don’t want to speculate. But it was a lot of fun. I really love doing service.