I’ve been hanging out on a private forum dealing with my emotions in a way that won’t blow up my life. But someone keeps hurting the woman who was hosting it because people are spiteful, disgusting assholes. So the forum is gone.
I feel really upset. I was getting a lot of good out of talking to those women.
I don’t know what to do now. There’s a lot I need to write out/think out and writing it here…
Yeah. I’m not ready to blow up bridges yet.
“Don’t feel bad about saying no to takers.”
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SAY TO THIS. ALL OF THEM HAVE CONSEQUENCES.
We finally got the internet to work. *phew* I really didn’t want to move apartments given that Eldest Child puked yesterday, Middle Child feels like he could, and all of us have diarrhea.
I have so many thoughts in my head. I can’t use pot so they are pretty overwhelming.
Why do I react with negativity when a lady asks me if I am enjoying my shopping? Why do I act like enjoying shopping is dirty and I am bad? I mean… my favorite kind of shopping is for groceries. But I do *love* grocery shopping. And I was doing grocery shopping in a foreign country! So I was very much enjoying it! But that felt… not ok? It’s weird.
My kids are so fried. I don’t think today is going to be very productive and I need to be kind about it. They are tired. They got through an incredibly rough day yesterday and didn’t hit *done* till 28 hours into it. That’s great.
I have this thing I do. I don’t think I’m worth very much so I try to substitute in the opinions of other people who have more esteem for me. This is complicated for so many reasons. If someone doesn’t have time for me does that mean I cease to have value as a person? If someone would prefer to spend their time with someone else, does that mean terrible things about me? My response at this point is anger instead of just feeling like I should kill myself. That’s… progress? It’s still not great.
I wish I didn’t have this terrible burning need to be with other people. I hurt myself so much trying to be available, trying to create opportunities for other people to spend time with me.
You know what? If those people wanted to spend more time with me they would probably… do that. They wouldn’t avoid me.
This is really weird and hard. Like, I’ve been hyperventilating and crying trying to figure out how I am going to handle visiting Jenny. I love Jenny so much. But I get on her nerves. We have a limited amount of time we can spend together before I start getting twitchy and feeling like everything I say/do/think is wrong and I am a terrible person. Jenny doesn’t say these things. She’s never said anything like that. She just sets boundaries, firmly. That’s important! That’s necessary! That’s part of why we have survived so many decades of friendship! My friendship with Jenny is one of the healthier relationships of my life. Lots of boundaries.
I *want* to go to the UK for the six month visitor visa and spend all that time staring at Jenny’s beautiful face.
I am abjectly terrified that after week three we would stop being friends. So I’m not going to go spend six months in Scotland. I need this relationship to continue. I need to be able to have her in my life and if that means a lot of restrictions and boundaries around what that means… so be it.
Relationships change. People change. Their needs and what they have to offer changes. I don’t think most people are good about being honest about this.
It is very very hard when people change what they have to offer and don’t talk about it. I do it. I’m shitty like that sometimes. I try to talk about what I am up for, but I fail. I fail over and over and over.
I don’t know how to go through life without hope. I am a very hopeful person. I set up these things to hope for and that keeps me moving forward. Finding a partner, having kids, home schooling, travel, my various friendships…
I have realistically had a higher than “expected” or deserved success rate.
It is not really ok that I’m such an asshole and so disappointed by life when I have gotten almost everything I wanted from my adult life. I am a selfish, small, ridiculous person. So much goes right. I really am lucky.
Sometimes things don’t work out how I hope. Sometimes I don’t even understand the size or shape of what I am hoping for until it is too late and the opportunity is lost and I am just filled with horrible disappointment and panic and anger and fury.
I am not claiming that this fury is justified, appropriate, or acceptable.
People are going to disappoint me. People are going to change what they have to offer.
People are going to not want to pay much attention to me sometimes. They are busy. They have other people who are more important.
Coping with that is hard.
It is hard to pretend that I don’t notice how much less important I am than I used to be. I understand that it is both appropriate and acceptable that I have been demoted. What I have to offer in this life is not good enough for everyone. Not because I suck, but because I have a distinctly limited quantity of time and energy to give.
I got married and had kids. I dropped out of social circles. I stopped being very active in other peoples lives. That’s on me.
It is *good* that people moved on and found more fulfilling connections. They should. I want them to. I want my friends to have partnerships or children or companionship that I cannot provide.
I do.
But sometimes I feel small and selfish because I am sad that I am less important than I want to be. Because I can spend months planning to see my friend and I am slapped in the face with the reality that I am not the most important person in their life.
I am not. I should not be. It would be a problem if I was because I am not enough. I cannot be enough. I don’t have enough to offer. I do the best I can and that is not good enough.
Errrrr especially with how *many* people I love…. I am not big enough.
But sometimes I am so sad. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I feel crushing disappointment. Sometimes I want to hurt these people I love because I am so upset about not being more to them.
That fucking sucks.
People tell me that you should give from an open heart and not do so because you want to get something back.
Sometimes I can. Sometimes I am hurting myself to give and when I don’t get back what I need to receive…
My bucket is just empty.
I have been struggling with feeling empty for a while. I keep trying to set things up such that my bucket gets filled. Then I get to the activity that would hopefully fill my bucket and instead it feels like my friend takes the bucket, flips it over, then drills a hole.
It hurts.
I am a future tripper. It is how I survive hating myself.
It is akin to people who say that they can’t buy clothes/go on a trip/do a cool thing until they lose weight.
If I work hard enough and give enough maybe someday I will cause other people to like me enough that I will get to like me too.
No matter how much I offer: time, energy, money, vacations… I can’t do enough for people that they will like me enough that I can like myself. That’s just going to fail.
I wish I felt more entitled to the love my children offer. But I’m afraid of being too enmeshed and hurting them. So I force distance and still look to my friends. And then that is mixed.
It would be wise for me to look to my friends less. Which is so complicated and hard. They have been my everything. Only now they can’t be. Just like I can’t be their everything.
I don’t know how to stop looking to my friends for the reflection of what I am worth.
But uhhhh frankly I need to. Because I am worth more than my friends can give me.
But I don’t want to be more than the reflection from my friends.
This shit is so hard.
I have never wanted to be an independent person. Not really. I want to be part of a pod, a group, a community… a *family*.
I have that now. And my friends are not part of it. I wish that fact didn’t make me feel so fucking bad. I feel like I am letting everyone down and being a horrible person. But it’s true. So much of life is like that. It fucking hurts. I don’t want the truth to be so painful. I want all of my friends to count as my family.
But at the end of the day… when they want to see their family… I am not on the list.
I had so damn many kids partially to cope with this. My friends have always loved me and spent time with me… then gone back to their families.
It *is* appropriate and right. They should.
But I’m sad.
I mean, I’m having lots of feelings all at once. That is part of what is so hard about not having pot.
I had a fun interaction with a security guard. As I was walking through a drive way to get to the GIANT mall he asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine and asked how he was. He was super melodramatic (in a fun way) and he told me, “Picture this: you are a princess and I am your body guard.” He then escorted me across the driveway and was funny and fun about all of it. When we got to the far side he asked me how I was feeling now. I told him I was definitely feeling like a princess. He was happy. (Conversation now paraphrased and I may not be doing him perfect justice.) He was funny and fun.
I’ve now been in Malaysia for over a day. I haven’t had a pissy feeling towards a person here yet. That may be a record for me. Ha. Malaysians are *so* nice. And *so* friendly. And *so* helpful.
I can’t gush enough about how nice people are being. Folks in the US find it odd how much I like being randomly helpful. But this country kind of feels like a whole bunch of people I understand.
Another weird bit that I’m noticing… this might a country that shares a few too many of my predilections. Like how I am an initiator and not good at follow up? Yeah… I feel like I see that around me.
Kuala Lumpur is an up and coming city. There are fantastic sky scrapers that absolutely rival everything nice in New York City. But they are cheek and jowl with old dilapidated buildings that seem on the verge of collapse. The roads are beautifully shaped… until they crumble at the edge.
Frankly I don’t know how they build this stuff given the weather. The soil must be mostly sand.
And the palm groves are magnificent. From the sky they are in carefully cultivated paths and rows.
We passed multiple herds of cows between the airport and the city. This country is so wonderfully urban… and rural… all within the same area. You don’t see multiple cow herds within 10 minutes of downtown New York. You won’t see cows between SFO and San Francisco.
This country is fascinating and beautiful. And dear cheese I love the rain.
This won’t be my forever place. But I’m really enjoying this.
And holy tomatoes on toast the food is goooooooooooooooooooooood.
We bought a large breakfast from a street vendor. 15 ringgit for all of us. That’s just over $4.
Apparently folks cook lots at home and come out and sell for a bit then run out of food and someone else comes to the spot a little while later.
I see what our laws are trying to protect people from. Yet being here makes me think that the US regulates way too much. I’m not even sure what laws I would redact.
In completely random news: her sweetness has a little bit of a rash. Not in her private areas, on her back and the outside of her thighs. I’m not sure what is going on. It’s been there for a couple of days. I’m watching it and slathering it in Aquafor. If it is still there when we are here for a few more days I will email her doctor so she can come in the day after we get back.
My kids are not doing poorly on academics… but I am struggling to be as patient with them as I should be. I’ve been testy all day. We are all over tired. We are all out of patience. And I’m unmedicated. This sucks.
When I went grocery shopping I bought a lot of shit. Toilet paper, mouthwash, tea, sugar, milk, salad, nuts, a lunch meat packet, a little bit of toothpaste, fruit (a bunch), water… I think that is all? It was $40! I had two heavy bags to carry! It was like a trip to the dollar store, yo.
I am not sure we are going to be able to stay in this apartment. Which is stressful as fuck. There isn’t internet. And that’s a problem given that Noah has to work these two weeks. The host isn’t responding to the three messages I left today. That’s not good. It makes sense that the host is less than responsive. We are his last clients. The building has signs up saying that two days after we leave no more AirBnB in the building. I wouldn’t be shocked if they are douches about it.
Ok, that’s my only negative experience with a local.
Lunch was a mix of salad greens, nuts, and pastrami. That was awesome. And now when I go have dinner I will feel super awesome about eating anything that seems appealing. Ha.
I do love my children. I am grateful every day that I have Noah. I am a lucky woman. I have a family.
I hate how much my sleep cycle is interrupted by bodily functions. Rude.
I have not finished packing school stuff for the kids. It’s two weeks so we need noticeable school stuff. We will pack that together this morning.
I am grateful we are not taking a car seat. Dealing with that in the airport is a royal pain. (No rental car on the far side. I read that you are absolutely suicidal if you try to drive there. There is instead a handy train that goes from the airport right to city center.)
Also, Philippine Airlines allows up to two checked bags per person for free! *faint* Less shit to fight with on the plane sounds great right now. When I was younger and single I flew with only carry on. Now that I am an old person managing three kids… checking bags is so awesome. We are going to check four this time. That way all we will carry on are electronics, diapers, and on-the-plane entertainment. That will be easier on us.
My lovely neighbor is dropping us off and picking us up from bart for this trip because the last leg between our house and public transit is rough on the kids when we get back. She’s happy to take us both ways though. That’s easier on me.
Eldest Child is one week behind on math. I think she’s going to do four hours of academics, then come explore with me, then come back and do more math until she hits her count every day. Missing a luxurious Mexican vacation at Club Med is different from missing the chance to see a major city in a country we will probably never come back to.
I am totally going back to Mexico someday. And I will not go to a resort. I will go to real cities and see real things. Club Med was a lot like Disneyland. I don’t feel she missed anything important by not playing in the kids club all day.
She would miss out if she didn’t get to see Kuala Lumpur.
Who cares if she misses out on Disneyland. No school work, no Disneyland. But Kuala Lumpur….
I think she will be caught up by the time we get home. *cross fingers*
The schedule I hope we will be able to settle into: breakfast-chores-academics-lunch. Go explore. Come back for a rest. Go out enough to figure out how to arrange for dinner (might be a grocery store trip, might be to a restaurant). Then more academics for EC and playing games for the rest of us after dinner.
If we do our work promptly then we should be able to explore the city for 3-5 hours every day. That’s a fair bit of walking.
And Noah was helpful and kind and put the case on my phone so hopefully I will have pictures of Malaysia now that I don’t have to be paranoid about breaking my phone again.
In a few more minutes I am going to go to the store and get breakfast stuff. We really have nothing in the house (as we should!) and breakfast is soon.
Stop typing, Krissy. Just…. stop.
I’ve deleted over a thousand words. Talk about yourself, motherfucker. You are the only person you can influence.
We will be in our house for approximately 28 hours. In that time I am going to unpack and put things away, repack, take two baths, get a massage, make three meals, and sleep. I’m not sure there is time for much else.
Ok. Hurry up, Krissy. Time is passing.
5-7 miles was not enough training. I needed 8-10 miles. I hurt. I am going to hurt for a while.
No more group trips with shared food. When it works out it is wonderful and I feel loved and important and like I have family. Then there is reality and it not working out. I need to stop looking for any family outside of the people who share my roof.
I know I should have learned that lesson a long time ago. I am stupid about hope.
I am going to get home and reduce stuff in the permanent packing pile. I think less will still be enough. Traveling with kids is complicated.
I always wish we had a bigger frying pan at Disneyland.
And I think the kids finally believe me about overly heavy backpacks.
That thing that the lady was doing in Alaska? I hate it when anyone does it.
Yup. Still hate that.
We went to Disneyland. By “we” I mean Sarah, her boyfriend, her brother, the baby and me. We were there for 5+ hours. We went on 5 rides. I think it is funny that my pace doesn’t move faster with an all adult crew.
I had moments of irritation that I did my best to stomp on because no one was ever doing a thing wrong. We are all humans and we all need to be waited on sometimes. Folks were patient with me.
I had fun. People were super nice and considerate and it was just fun. Folks handed the baby around and I got to go on rides–so that’s awesome.
I wish I didn’t get so irritated.
The baby girl was wonderful as usual.
I have walked 7 miles today. I’m tired. Sarah and her crew might go back to the park after dinner. I may be done. Not sure.
I had a glass of plum wine. Let’s see if I puke.
I am tired. I am sore. I wish that weren’t mixed. I wish I didn’t always have to have all the feelings. Why can’t I have just good feelings sometimes? I couldn’t ask for things to go better than this. It was all good.
I kind of wanted some kind of pastry and didn’t get one. But that’s not so bad.
I’ve gotta say: Sarah’s brother makes Disneyland about 38% cooler than it is possible to be without him. He’s so fun.
Second tooth is coming through and she is waving and clapping.
Disneyland sounds so awesome right now. I think I’ll go there.
I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to be a good mother. I want to have sex. I want to feel untethered. I want my fucking contractor to get back to me with the estimate he said I would have 14 days ago. I want to find the middle path. I want to stop yelling so much. I want to sleep more. I want to exercise every day instead of most days. I want to stop feeling like I am a terrible person all the god damn time. I want to feel like I am doing the right thing with my life.
I don’t.
I am terribly insecure about this home schooling shit. My children aren’t really having the boiler plate “standard American” childhood because I am literally incapable of providing it. I want to be able to help my children be ok.
I want to know what ok means.
I want to see all of my people.
I want to hide in my house and not see anyone for a few months.
I want to do ALL THE THINGS for Christmas. I want to not do anything at all.
I want to feel like what I do is good enough. I don’t.
I want to stop feeling like the best thing I could do for the planet is die.
I want to understand why my baby had to scream before sleeping tonight.
I want to have something I can do for myself that feels like a positive thing that isn’t eating sugar.
I want to write about appearance stuff. And trauma. And I want to read more. I’m so tired. My brain hurts.
I want to feel like a person with brain capacity. I want to be done with work for this lifetime. I want a new career. I want a graduate degree. I want to be taken seriously.
I won’t ever be taken seriously. What a joke.
I want to understand what the future needs from me.
I want.
I went in my room for a little packing reshuffling (looked at temperatures expected for the trips… errr… maybe the pants need to move around a little) and zoning out…
GUESS WHO FOLLOWS ME IN HERE BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO DO HER MATH NEXT TO ME BECAUSE BEING WITH ME IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT BEING WITH ME.
The desire for enmeshment doesn’t just come from me, yo.
I love her so much. I think she is wonderful and kind and thoughtful and sometimes lazy and obnoxious as shit and absolutely perfect. I like knowing that she is alive. Even though she gets on my nerves. I have to keep trying to be a better person so I can deserve her.
I wanted these people so much that I feel like I am going to explode.
I get to have three children.
I’m going to go cry with joy now.
Even as I’m also irritated. Because that is life.
Today I need to just… back off. I can’t hound Eldest Child about math any more. She will catch up when she catches up. Is she going to Disneyland? No. Will she get to explore Malaysia? Errrrrr, maybe a little. Will she be caught up by Christmas? Yes.
This is hard because when I have to go do fun things without her because she hasn’t done her bit… I feel… pain. It’s physical pain. I don’t want to be away from her. I feel like I am doing something wrong and bad and terrible and I never deserve love again because I am enjoying not being with her.
I’ve got some serious enmeshment shit going on.
This is part of why I say it is healthier for me to not have one child. Holy shit the enmeshment would be a real problem.
Having three kids means I need to go have fun with the other two. It needs to be part of life that we are not a pod 100% of the time regardless of the work that needs to be done. We all have work to do. We all have shit that if we don’t finish… we don’t get to go have fun. That’s life.
But it’s hard. It feels like a big nasty punishment when it’s really just a natural consequence.
Allowing my children to experience natural consequences feels like I failed as a parent to encourage/guide/help them be where they need to be. It feels like all my fault. But it isn’t.
If I treat her like she is doing something wrong when she fails to propel me to happiness… oh that’s all kinds of fucked up from top to bottom. I can’t do that. It would be wrong.
I can’t hurt my baby just because I’m sad I don’t get to have fun with her. Hi, fucked up dynamic much? But I am sad. This is hard. I will get over it, but that’s life. Life doesn’t give you what you want. Life is about coping with what you get anyway. I mean, I’m bitching about having to spend a day in Disneyland without my kid.
Shut up already, you fucking hag.
Sigh.
But I don’t like doing anything without her. It sucks. Everything is better when she is there.
Ok. Not everything. But most things!
My body can’t tell what time zone I’m in. The photo shoot is done. Given that I slept two hours in the 24 hours before it happened I think it went really well. We had fun and giggled a lot. We do want to remember this phase of our family.
And now… I’m done with serious packing. I won’t be cleaning much more because they are going to come make a mess soon.
Eldest Child is about a week behind on math. This is exciting! She really has busted her butt to catch up. She’s doing great. I know I’ve sounded critical of her progress… I’m feeling like a turkey butt. I should have been more encouraging all along.
I am exhausted and weary and I feel numb. Today I get a massage and fold one load of laundry and pack for Disneyland on Monday. Then this weekend…. I do not work. Fuck work. As a family we are going to sit around. Ok, Eldest Child will do math. sigh but it’s coming along! I plan to sit next to her a lot. She has such a hard time focusing. Well… that’s not true. She can do really well but she’s seriously burned out right now. I do not blame her. After this I am glad that she is going to go back to about 3 hours a week of math. That’s going to feel like a vacation. Other subject will reappear! It’s going to be awesome! And I sincerely hope we don’t have an issue like this again. I won’t fall behind on checking.
The house is pretty much ready for us to go to Malaysia. That’s exciting. I think we have ~2 hours of last minute work (moving the mattresses and clothes to the garage) and the house is cleared for the remodel. Eeek.
When we get back from Malaysia… that’s when I’ll face the yard. That’s going to be a lot.
I wonder what the pace of our life will feel like without home ownership.
Yesterday we saw Noah’s uncle and grandmother for a visit. I… I felt a little stunned by the sheer quantity of bile that was spewed at speed. Hatred of fat people. Hatred of some ethnic groups while promoting rude stereotypes that are meant to be “positive” about other groups. Comments about trying to cause the death of family members because they deserve it.
Just… ugly.
After the bullshit with Noah’s mom and the uncle and the grandmother… we had a conversation with the kids about what they were hearing and being influenced by. We asked them if they are surprised that I’m not blowing up at people left and right. They said they had in fact been expecting me to react to the nastiness they heard and they were surprised…
We are here because of an impending death. I’m not going to start blowing up about social justice shit. But I am going to explain to my children in great detail, “You see why I don’t allow these people to have an impact on your developing mind. My family is worse. Do you now understand why we are alone as a nuclear family every holiday?”
They get it.
EC in particular talked about how sometimes she feels mad at us because we are alone at every holiday… but… being alone is better than A) pretending those things are ok to say or B) exploding at people over and over.
Option C) don’t visit bigots is the winner!
I don’t think I’ll come back for the next death visit Noah feels compelled to do. Depending on how soon it is… the kids might or might not come. Cause holy shit these people are nasty and vile and fuck you no you don’t get to tell my kids what to think or believe. No. No. No. No. No. No.
My kids deserve better than this bullshit. This hatred of people having bodies. This nasty venom about people being lazy and horrible just because of how they look.
The jokes about, “I give my brother in law a knife every year hoping he’ll use it on my sister and he hasn’t gotten the message yet.”
I was shocked into mute horrified silence. These aren’t my people. This is one of those situations where it “isn’t my place to be the problem”. So my kids don’t need to be here being “polite” and shutting up to listen to this disgusting language.
I am torn between wishing Noah would tell them off and understanding why he doesn’t. They wouldn’t change. This is why he just doesn’t come back much.
I am feeling a lot of appreciation for Noah in general. He came from this. They intended for him to turn out like them. And instead he works very hard to not be derogatory towards people. He does not joke about murdering people for fun. He doesn’t sprinkle racist stereotypes through his conversation. He doesn’t talk about people being less than him because he has been more successful in a certain way.
Noah was intended to be a complete piece of shit. Like his relatives. Instead he works hard on being a nice person who helps people. He gives as much as he can.
I suppose if I am looking for the silver lining, this trip is functioning a little bit like talking to Jenny does for me. Oh how far you have come. It is incredible what Noah has done with his brain and his personality and his verbal impulses. That’s a man who has worked to not be a fucker. It would have been so easy and automatic. So… instinctive. But he doesn’t want to be. He wants to be something different. He wants to be better than that. He wants to appreciate people and value them and build them up.
I am consistently impressed that when Noah is out in the world talking to random people and they mention that they are trying to learn programming stuff he never hesitates to give out his email address. “I’ve been working on x for y years. If you run into a problem and you feel stuck and frustrated, send me an email. I’d be happy to help.” He’s tutored a lot of people. He knows he was given an easy window into his profession and he tries to pay that forward.
There are reasons I wanted to marry him. He wants to pay forward the access to privilege. Holy tomato am I all over that.
It was interesting watching the venomous toads squat over their position in life with him sitting on the opposite side of the table representing a whole different set of choices and way of handling choices. It felt like watching the death cries of a dying way of life. Sorry low key white supremacists. The high key white supremacists (who you don’t agree with, partially because you know they are going to ruin your way of life) are out in the streets marching so you are not looking good in comparison. You used to be the moderates. Now you are sitting on the wrong side of the line of “good country people”.
The future is queer. The future is not white. The future is quite possibly going to be fat.
And that’s ok.
You can accept this future gracefully, with eagerness… or you can look like the evil poisonous toads you are.
Your choice.
I know that I will go swim in a different pond to avoid you.
But this is going to be constant. This is going to be everywhere. The flavor and manifestation will vary… but people suck. All over the world people suck. That’s not going to stop. How are we going to be like a willow and bend but not break?
That’s the lesson.
For dinner (yesterday) and breakfast we had damn good tacos from Torchy’s Tacos. Then we went to a random taco truck for lunch, very tasty and good. El Super Taco #3 I think?
Dinner. Oh man. It was friiiiiied. We went to Cherry Creek Catfish Co. We had fried pickles, fried sweet corn nuggets, fried green tomatoes, and a taco salad. We enjoyed it very very much. And then because our arteries weren’t complaining loudly enough we went to Gourdough’s Donuts where we split two donuts. The kids had a baby rattler and the grown ups had dirty berries.
Exxxxxxxxcellent donuts.
Well, eating in Austin is ok.
This baby is very tiring. Goodness.
We had a new experience at dinner. Someone complimented the behavior of my sweet boys. I thought it was funny. Eldest Child was rather indignant.
Hey, whatever.
I didn’t blow up. There was never a private moment to talk to her so I just didn’t say a word to her at all. Not hello and not goodbye.
I watched the kids and how they interacted with folks. That was minimally awkward.
I won’t see her again any year soon. Maybe never. I didn’t want to make a dying man’s life harder. So I didn’t.
I’m not sure if I was right or not. But my kids won’t be around her again any year soon.
Well dinner sucked. Fucking grandmother. So grandmother didn’t order enough food. And then grandfather was encouraging everyone to take as much as they wanted! Eat more! And then I realized that everyone who was supposed to eat… was arriving staggered. So I ate the last fucking burrito approximately 3 minutes before the last person arrived.
So I looked like a huge selfish asshole. It was my second burrito. I really would have preferred to eat three because they were small. I’m fucking nursing a baby and the only lunch they had around during the day was cheese, bread, and greens. Oh, and cookies. So by dinner I was fucking hungry.
Then the room mate was helping to clean up after dinner and he and the grandmother stood around and loudly talked about how rude and disrespectful my children were because they didn’t offer to clean up the kitchen and do everyone’s dishes.
Oh, side note: I did everyone’s fucking dishes after lunch.
So I was expected to clean up after lunch and my children were expected to clean up after dinner.
Other fucking note: we had intended to come into town and see the one brother. It turned into a fucking family reunion with alllll the siblings and their entire families expected to show up. Oh. So it was a lot of people in a small space and everyone is super touchy about shit being messed with. But they also encourage the kids to touch things. But then they get mad at the kids.
This is such a head fuck and I am so god damn angry.
My kids do a fuck ton of house work. But no, they don’t show up at other peoples houses for a meal and offer to do all the cleaning. That has not been part of their home training.
That’s not something that most of the people we visit would allow or want. BUT HOW FUCKING DARE MY KIDS NOT SHOW UP AND WAIT ON THEIR FUCKING GRANDMOTHER. DON’T I KNOW THAT THEY NEED TO BE TRAINED TO BE A WOMAN IN THE KITCHEN GETTING ALL THE GOSSIP. THAT’S HOW FAMILIES ARE FORMED. THAT’S HOW CHILDREN LEARN HISTORY. CLEARLY I DON’T CARE ABOUT THEM BEING PART OF A FAMILY.
Fucking woman just pissed me all the way off. I am so tempted to ask her to step outside with me before breakfast and tell her, “If you can’t keep your viper’s tongue quiet for the few hours you see my children you will never see them again. Do you understand me?”
But we are here for someone else’s tragedy.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I fucking hate this woman and I fucking hate Texas and I am so fucking pissed that I am fucking here.
Oh, and my cousin called me this week. I returned the call yesterday. She asked if she could travel with us to be our au pair. Uhhhhhhh that would blow up. That would explode and go poorly and then I would lose the only tenuous relationship I have with an adult relative. No. No. No. I can’t do that. I’m too fucking old to pretend that something like that has a chance at success.
I can’t see a way for us to recover from that mistake. I couldn’t live with Sarah or Jenny. If I couldn’t get my asshole into check to live with either of them…. I don’t see a way of it working with my cousin. Not with a bunch of international travel. Not when she is flakey and undependable and couldn’t get on a fucking plane to see me for Christmas. No.
So I feel like an asshole for understanding these limits. But holy shit they exist.
I feel so full of rage and hate I want to explode. I want to punch that fucking bitch in the face. We came out here to be nice. And this is your response. Why in the fuck are we nice to you?
I am going to have to say something to her. I am going to have to say, “We will not be back for many years. Because of your mouth. If you open it again, it’ll be forever.”
My in-laws are being shockingly polite. It’s good to see Noah’s siblings. I like them just fine. The kids did well with the travel, as usual.
EC is having trouble maintaining her self discipline to blow through math. She’s only 18 days behind! I need to stop being a whiny bitch about her not catching up till Christmas. She might not make Disneyland, but she’ll be caught up by Malaysia.
My kids were very happy to play with their grandparents.
I uhhh fucked up packing. I grabbed a bag with Noah’s fancy shoes instead of the one with his clothing for this trip. Fuck. Shit. God damnit all to hell. He had to run to Target this morning and get underwear and a couple of shirts. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. (Although I will say that the shirt he got is a really pretty color and matches his eyes in a lovely way.)
Middle Child read the entire library book he borrowed for the Kindle. I need to teach him how to download this stuff so he can get his own books. I really don’t want to have one more thing to do. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m being lazy.
I feel like I should be reaching out more to Noah’s little sister. She’s my kind of people living in a place where she’s not especially embraced. I like her just fine. That would be healthy for all involved.
And Sarah sent me a list of dessert places in Austin I should try…. donuts……..
Well… the house isn’t going to look how I wanted it to look when I scheduled two weeks to get ready. Sad face. But pushing anyone else or myself harder is not going to get it done and we have to be ready to leave the house for the airport in a little less than four hours.
What will be, will be. Sigh.
I am really really really struggling with how upset I am about going to Texas. I don’t want to go to Texas. I hate Texas. I thought I got to break up with Texas. If the baby were no longer nursing… I would not be going.
Fuck cancer. I don’t want to go to Texas.
I’m not going for any of the funerals to come over the next few years. But Noah and the kids want to say goodbye to a nice guy. The baby still needs me. So I’m going to fucking Texas.
I am struggling with how explosively angry I feel about going. I don’t want to go to Texas. I struggle with how much I place the happiness of my family members over my own.
I have a lot of shit to do. I could be here in my own space doing. Instead I get to spend a lot of time and energy on Texas. Which has not been a source of good in my life. So I get to go drain myself dry for a place and people that are just a source of pain for me. Fuck Texas. I hate Texas.
I am really sad for the poor guy who is sick. That’s really not fair.
I’m being a self pitying asshole. I’m trying not to take it out on the people around me. This is hard.
Fuck.