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noticing dates

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I try to avoid knowing what day of the month it is around specific parts of the year. It’s just better to not notice. I had to write a check today. Today is Tommy’s birthday. He would be 33. In June it will be 12 years since he died. I didn’t have a good relationship with him by any stretch of the imagination but it is still really hard to think of him. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling responsibility? I wonder if we would have been able to have a relationship as adults. Would I have developed compassion and patience for him? Most of his issues were quite literally not his fault. He had a severe brain injury. I’ll never know.

Identity

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I noticed something today that I consider interesting. When I glance around at the profiles of mothers I know in various social networking sites almost all of the mothers with young children have pictures of themselves with their children as their primary picture and sometimes their partner/husband is in the picture. It is very rare for a father to have a picture of himself and his child as his primary picture. Once parents have teenagers it is fairly uncommon to have pictures of the kids in a primary profile picture at all. In fact, for most fathers of young children you have to spend some time hunting to find mention of their kids/pictures of them. And once you find pictures you notice that the father has 1-5 pictures of his kids (out of dozens or hundreds of photos) whereas the mother in the same relationship has the kid(s) in almost all pictures up.

I hear a lot about how women give up too much of their identity to their children. I wonder if this attitude comes about because men don’t give up enough of their identity to having children and in our society the default ‘personhood’ is being a man and women are wrong for where and how they deviate from that norm. If you think about it, that is very much how (at least American) society works. Women are shafted in the work place because they need maternity leave/sick leave to care for children/time off during the day to take care of appointments for children. This is all left to the sole providence of women in the vast majority of cases. Yes, there are some exceptions but they are exceedingly rare. I believe that companies get away with their nasty anti-woman policies because the default is that everyone should behave like a man therefore women are bad/wrong for when they need something different.

Back to my original point about parents. I’ve been thinking about this kind of stuff a lot. Women are told not to give themselves up to being a mother. I hear it. I’m told to go out and have a separate identity. The thing is, there are only so many hours in the day. Having a toddler is a shitload of work and I really don’t see how I could do much more than I am doing lately and still be as present as I am with my daughter. I’m not willing to put my daughter in daycare for a wide variety of reasons, not least of which is I’d have to get a job to pay for it and then I would be gone all the time working and I would have even less time for myself than I get now. 😛 My job was brutal on me for having a separate identity anyway.

My point being that I think that it is crap that women are told they should be less invested in their identity as a parent when men are not told they should be more invested in their identity as a parent. Yes, there needs to be a balance but I don’t think men are doing better than women they are just fucking up in the opposite direction. There has to be some meeting in the middle and I’m not exactly sure where it is.

Update sorta thing

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Shanna seems to be back to normal today. Whoo hoo! She was probably awake for a grand total of 5 hours yesterday and during those brief awake periods we shoved her full of chicken broth and water and juice and she has come out the other side unscathed. *phew* I had some icki symptoms later in the day yesterday and I seem to be back to (my) normal today as well. I’m glad that bug was quick. 🙂

{milestones} ewwwwwww

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Whereas Shanna has technically vomited before that was a direct chain reaction of too much junky food+ too much sugar + chugging way too much juice really fast = stomach says no. That was on Halloween. Generally speaking she wasn’t sick that day.

Now she is sick. She’s been miserable for the better part of a week with fever off and on, a really nasty runny nose, general malaise (from what I can tell), and occasional cough. Last night she went to sleep super early (really around 6:30 on Noah’s chest in the living room) and she was transferred to bed for the night around 8. Around 9 she woke up and vomited all over herself and the bed. 🙁 There was a rather alarming quantity of chunk. She had to go straight into the shower because her head/hair was so full of slime. 🙁 Noah cleaned up her person and I stripped the bed. She has been sleeping in her own bed lately but we pulled her into our bed for the night. She slept like the dead. She woke up fussy and whiny and hungry around 6 am (a pretty normal wake up time) so I made her some chicken noodle soup and mostly just let her sip broth. She nursed on one side and passed out hard. She is showing no signs of stirring.

This has been her worst illness to date. My poor baby. 🙁

ETA: and… now she has really nasty diarrhea. I wish I knew more about watching for signs of dehydration in small ones. 🙁

30th birthday musing

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In this filter there are currently: Mo, Alex, and Sarah(yes!) (all of whom I functionally think of as single), Mark/Laura, and Brittney/Joe (two married couples who at this point do not have children), and Ali/Mark and Deborah/Anthony (both couples have two kids and I think they don’t plan on more).

So this filter is relatively small. I’m giving you guys this run down so you have some idea of who I am talking to about this topic. 🙂 It is also worth pointing out that even though I like all the people in this group and I would want to spend a fair bit of time with you, I need my ‘family time’ and I need a lot of it. So we would not be locked at the hip by any measure.

I would like to go on a Disney Cruise and to Walt Disney World for my 30th birthday. That’s a bit out, not till September 2011 but pre-planning is required for a couple of reasons. We just bought into the Disney Vacation Club because given my vacation habits it’ll be paid for in like five years. 🙂 If I have some idea of who might be interested it changes a bunch of my potential strategies and it gives people a chance to start saving money.

Here are some of my nitty gritty details that I’m pondering:

I can rent a 2 bedroom cottage (174 pts) or a 3 bedroom cottage (281 pts) at WDW for six days. A 2 bedroom can sleep up to 8 people and a 3 bedroom can sleep up to 12. (Children under 3 are ‘free’.)

A 3 night cruise is possible (90 pts for us 67 for someone else) or a 4 night cruise (98/77) or a 7 night cruise (157/127). [Uhhh… I’ll have a maximum of 695 points to work with.]

If 8 or fewer people are interested and sharing rooms isn’t a problem technically speaking Noah and I could pay for two state rooms and the cottage with our points. It would wipe us out for while but it would be the most wonderful birthday trip I can imagine. In exchange for that I would request that folks contribute some reasonable amount that would at least cover the rest of the trip for us (airfare, food, park tickets, some souvenirs) because dude…I’m saving you many many thousands of dollars.

Alternatively some different combination of people could say, “I will join you at WDW but not the cruise” or vice versa. Or some people could say, “I would feel more comfortable paying for myself but I can only afford a 3 day cruise and 4 days at the park.” There are many different options available. It is also possible (and pretty common) for people to stay at multiple resorts during their stay in WDW. If my family goes before anyone else we can stay in a small studio and move to a larger accommodation when others want to join up and save a bunch of points. WDW has a whole process set up for moving your stuff. It’s pretty cool. 🙂

I am partially starting this negotiation so early because I am excited about the possibility and partially because I have to make my reservations about a year in advance and this way people have plenty of dithering time before I have to commit officially.

So…. yeah! I’m going to have decades of joy out of speculating about trips. I apologize in advance to the people who talk to me on IM and who may already be sick of this. 😀

Nice day

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In an attempt to remind myself of the people who love me I called one of my friends last night and asked him if he wanted to grab dinner since I was giving Noah the night off. 🙂 It was lots of fun. It was really nice to reflect on how much our relationship has grown and changed in the last ten years. He is pretty awesome about listening without trying to ‘fix’ at this point despite the fact that it takes conscious out loud reminders (he does this for himself) don’t fix! Don’t fix! It’s pretty cute. 🙂 He said something to me that I appreciated a lot. I told him I was pregnant (he is kind of out of the loop) and that I had been last time I saw him at Dickens but I didn’t know yet. He said, “That explains the level of emotional you were displaying then” and I quipped, “As opposed to just being generally crazy?” and he said, “Despite your desire to self-identify that way you really aren’t crazy.” I kind of stopped. That was interesting for me. Let’s just say that if he thought I was crazy he would say so. He’s really not one to uhm pull punches. So it was kind of startling.

What am I getting out of describing myself that way? Something to ponder.

Not to mention that I spent the earlier part of the day with a girlfriend. She asked to come over and that felt nice. It was nice to catch up with her because we haven’t done that in months. 🙂

And I was right to cancel the massage. There was no way in h-e-double hockey sticks Shanna would have tolerated me lying on the table. She’s starting to feel better physically today but now I’m getting a cough too. I’m glad I didn’t send this bug home to Ms. I Have To Take The Boards On Tuesday. 🙂

Two things

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As much as it does get annoying to be trapped under Shanna while she naps I love that she is still my baby. She is a huge, precociously talking toddler… but she’s still my baby. *love*

And! We are going to Disneyland in December and I am so excited I can’t stand it. I know that the trip is ten months away, but I haven’t been to Disneyland in years! As I’m sitting on the couch trying not to feel icki I’m really enjoying thinking about all the planning stuff I want to think about for the trip. Planning trips, even ones I never actually go on, is really exciting and fun for me. I love thinking about every possible detail and arrangement of plans. Shanna will be two and a half and I think that is just about the perfect age for maximum enjoyment of the magic. Of course, this means I need to show her a few Disney movies between now and then so she gets it. 🙂 I’m really tempted to avoid the Disney Princess movies and stick with the books for those stories. That way I can slightly edit the ‘helpless female’ schtick. But movies like Pinnochio, Dumbo, The Aristocats etc. are awesome and she’ll love them.

I’ve been bugging people on IM about this trip all day. I’m really enjoying poking around the website and making plans. 😀

Ha. What a life summary.

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With yet more thanks to facebook I found a fella I was good friends with in high school. He was one of the guys I cheerfully beat the crap out of nearly daily and he has the distinction of being the first person whose ribs I cracked. (He told me I couldn’t beat him wrestling. I did.) Catching up on 12 years of missed contact was pretty funny. He and I both dropped out of high school, though I ended up with a diploma anyway. He has been traveling the world and seeing awesome places. He doesn’t have a college education and really doesn’t care. He is currently in the Middle East and has been for a couple of years. It sounds very exciting to me.

He was shocked when I told him about the bdsm stuff–which, as Jenny pointed out, shouldn’t be shocking at all compared to the current domesticity. 😛 He told me that he admired that I worked in service to the community as a teacher. I wasn’t sure if he was mocking me given the choice of language. He said the thing he is most envious of is that I’ve had way more sex than him over the years. 🙂

Summarizing my life over the last 12 years quickly does sound way way more interesting than it feels to me at the moment. Perspective is funny.

Pity party, table of one

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Today my (awesome, fabulous) midwife was asking me questions about my community and what kind of support I have. It was quite disheartening to realize that for my first pregnancy I was completely confident in my community, my chosen family, and my friends that they would be there for me. I’m not anymore. If something bad happened and I had to stay in the hospital for a while with the new baby I would have to do it alone because Noah would have to stay with Shanna. I don’t think we have other options. I have people in my life who love me, but they are all people who have too much on their plates to begin with and they really, legitimately don’t have time for me.

I’ve tried so hard to make new friends in the mommy world and it’s just completely failed. When people just stop returning my calls that is kind of a hint. I feel like I have become too mundane for the freaks to give a shit about me anymore and the more mundane people seem to find me kind of disgusting.

I am so lonely.

Slave labor

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Shanna has been very enthusiastically trying to help ‘clean’ the kitchen lately using our broom/dustpan. The problem is that the adult broom is big enough to whack her in the head and she cries constantly and she loses/hides my dustpan which royally pisses me off. So yesterday she got her own broom and dustpan. She’s so excited! She is moving around the kitchen telling us, “Shanna is helpful girl! Shanna cleaning!” Now we just need to work on her technique so that she actually does some cleaning instead of just moving things back and forth on the floor. 🙂

Cause I feel like it

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You know the rules by now.

1. I’m feeling incredibly conflicted towards you right now. The push pull is driving me batty.
2. I have decided that in the interests of not looking pathetic and clingy anymore I am going to let you do the contacting for at least one or two go rounds. We’ll find out if we are actually friends.
3. If many many people all read the same thing and reach the same conclusion it is highly unlikely we all read it wrong. Maybe you should work on your communication skills.
4. I really wish you would shut the fuck up. I don’t want to be on the same side of any argument as you.
5. I wish I could do better.
6. I really wish you would stop saying, “I totally want to hang out” and then never call me back. Just admit you don’t want to be friends. I’m a big girl; I’ll deal.
7. I keep thinking about you. You called once. I called back. …. Silence. I wonder if I’ll ever get over you.
8. I wish I didn’t notice your behavior.
9. I’m trying, really. I’ll try harder. You deserve better.
10. As bad as it makes me feel to admit it–I kind of wish that you would just die. Then you couldn’t hurt me anymore and I wouldn’t have to deal with feeling terrible for trying to prevent you from hurting me.

Not accurate!!!

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I just finished watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It is not accurate in ways that bug me. I know it was a gigantic book and they were going to have to cut things, but I don’t like the random things they added. No I’m not going to get into details cause I don’t want to be yelled at again for spoilers. It was a pretty movie, I’ll give them that.

I needed that.

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I’ve been feeling very fussy about a few social interactions lately. I’ve in fact been writing humongous long rants in response to them (they take a while–I think I’m up to page six on one of them and Shanna is a big distraction) and I think I’m just going to let it go. I got a message today that reminded me of the humanity on the other side of the behavior that bothered me and I need to let go of my internalized grudge. Now the work will be for me to not feel bad about the stuff I never got around to saying publicly. 😀

Old meme

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I posted this more than six years ago. Let’s do it again, shall we?

Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love — anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you’d like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don’t even realize read your LJ) have to say.

Crazy people

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My sister sent my brother a horribly rude, inappropriate, awful letter. I can’t believe her. Well no, that’s not true. I totally believe that she did it. She has no sense of responsibility and she has no fucking boundaries.

But you know what? My brother sent it to me. And he talked to me about it. And he wanted comfort and community with me around how crazy she is. I really hope she will leave him alone again, but I’ll take the outreach. It’s amazing how talking to him affects me. I start to shake. I’m so terrified of doing something or saying something wrong and having him shut me out again. That’s actually a pretty terrible manifestation of the overall abusive nature of our relationship. If I feel that way while talking to him it’s not healthy at all. And the way I crave his approval is also seriously unhealthy.

God I can’t win.

Oh MY GOD!!

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I am so excited. I managed to get reservations to The French Laundry. Then I managed to arrange babysitting for Shanna so we can stay overnight. Then I found an awesome B&B. This is going to be a rather expensive weekend (it blows our ‘fun’ money budget for ohhhh six months) but it will be worth it! I am so excited I can barely sit still!!!

Oh man. Now I have to figure out what to wear. I’m just pregnant enough to look really fat (and not be able to wear most of my awesomest clothes) but not pregnant enough that I have that “awww what an adorable pregnant belly” thing going on. It’ll be great! I don’t care!

Happy dance!

Reading about race

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Given that I’m so white I glow in the dark I spend a noticeable amount of time thinking about what I can and should do to raise a child who has a good understanding of race issues and who isn’t a twat. That’s an important bit. Some of the good stuff I’ve been reading lately include:

http://loveisntenough.com/2009/08/05/white-noise-white-adults-raising-white-children-to-resist-white-supremacy/

http://nerdsevolving.blogspot.com/2009/08/what-black-women-were-white-women.html

There are others, of course, but I closed some tabs too quickly.