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Mrs. Brightside

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As I was unloading the dishwasher earlier I was struck by how clear and pretty one of the containers was. It’s just a piece of plastic–normally I don’t think I actually even look at it. But it struck me suddenly as being quite beautiful.

Home Depot didn’t deliver the insulation and drywall until almost 4. This totally shot my plans of working in the garage today. Instead I got to spend almost six hours hanging out with Taylor and I got a massage. I think that is a wonderful trade. I feel so much better.

My plans for this evening are canceled due to my friend having a migraine. I’m sorry that she is feeling poorly but I’m kind of glad that Shanna and I get to hang out at home without any other distractions. She can use some mommy-time.

I guess the glass is half full today.

Out of town event

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We are thinking about going to the Hoes Down (http://www.hoesdown.org/) hosted by the farm we get our CSA from. It looks like a lot of fun. It’s a drive up on Saturday drive back on Sunday sort of event. It would be a lot of fun to go with other folks. It is the weekend of October 3-4. We have a HUGE tent that could easily hold another two to four people in addition to us depending on how cozy we want to get. We could potentially take one more person up with us if we pack pretty light. 🙂 I’m always up for that sort of challenge.

Would anyone be interested in this?

Thinking about Alex

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The child I lost is named Alex. I’m not sure why, I doubt I would have given the child that name if he/she had actually been born but in all of my thoughts about him/her that’s the name the baby has. I would be 18/19 weeks pregnant right now, so not quite halfway through the pregnancy. I would be feeling movement. The early fluttering is some of the most powerful magic I have ever experienced. Feeling the creation of a Being, a Person inside me made me feel connected to the source of all life in a way I have never felt before. I’m sorry I am not experiencing that magic with Alex right now.

In some way I kind of wish that we would just hurry up and try to get pregnant so that I can bury my feelings of loss in the joy of another life but that feels wrong. In addition to Shanna deserving a full two years of milk I think that Alex kind of deserves the space in my heart and body that he/she would have had for nine months. I don’t feel critical of other people who get pregnant quickly–anything but. This grief is such that I don’t think I could possibly judge other people for how they handle it.

I’m bleeding again. I think that is why it hit me tonight. Once upon a time I greeted each monthly flow with relief, “Whoo hoo! Dodged the bullet again!” Not anymore. Now every time my body empties of blood I cry and see the loss of a person. I see the child who will never be. I can’t believe how much this hurts. I say this and know that I speak from the unbelievable privilege of having a living child. I feel desperately ashamed at my hubris and greed. I am so selfish. There are so many women in the world who would give anything to have a child–just one–and I’m crying because I had a normal menstrual cycle while using birth control. I’m sorry for being so selfish.

I miss my Alex. So I grieve. Even though I feel like I don’t really have the right I cry anyway.

When discussing blame for losing Alex my therapist said, “I knew it was your fault–I just didn’t know how.” It was really funny at the time. Every woman who loses a child feels like they are to blame. Sometimes I feel like I lost Alex because I am just not a good enough person. I didn’t deserve that child. I don’t know how to reconcile that with what I see when I look at Shanna. She is so beautiful and so perfect. How can I be a good enough person to deserve her and not a good enough person to deserve another child? But there is no deserving or not deserving in this. There is only luck of the draw and there is no such thing as fair.

Tonight I rail at fate. I want my child back.

Feeling cranky

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1) I don’t appreciate the people who are telling Noah to take a huge pay cut or work nights/weekends so that he can change careers. Yes, I do support him in moving in a different direction. I do want him to be happy. Doing so at the complete expense of our family is not an option I’m really thrilled about. (For the record: Noah isn’t agreeing with them. I just want to tell them to take a flying leap.)

2) I don’t appreciate the recruiters who wake Shanna up from a nap at least three days a week. Today she got about 20 minutes of sleep and now won’t go down again despite crying and being very upset about being awake. God fucking damnit.

3) The cat keeps scratching Shanna in the face. I wish they could leave one another alone.

4) I really should get more housework done today but I’m feeling very fussy about doing it with Shanna hanging on me and crying. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

5) I didn’t sleep much last night. I just couldn’t fall asleep. This makes it much harder for me to be patient.

6) I still don’t know if I am in the ASL class. *sigh*

Other than that my life is good. All of this would be less cranky making if I had gotten sleep last night.

{dirtier} and now about that party on Friday…

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It went really well. We ended up in a fun little group of four girls and two boys. Probably the hardest part is that most of the group wanted to bottom. 🙂 One of the girls didn’t get much play because of that very problem and that was sucky. I’ve crystalized some of my thoughts on group sex. I’m going to expound about them after the cut. So here’s a cut. Continue reading →

It was a good weekend! Yay!

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Noah and I had a fun time out on Friday and then we drove down to Santa Barbara early on Saturday. We were very mellow. We had good food and visited the zoo and very briefly went to the beach and let Shanna play in the water. We didn’t spend much time at the beach because we all sunburn like nobodies business. 🙂 A little bit was perfect. 🙂

I really enjoyed spending the time with Noah. He’s awesome to talk to. I think the hardest part of the weekend was how difficult it is for Shanna to spend that much time in the car. Oh and the massive disgusting poop explosion on the drive home. Dear god in heaven that was foul. But we cleaned it up fairly well and there was little stressing. w00t.

I think that the next weekend get-away should be a bit closer to home so we have to drive less. 🙂

(Oh: the gelato in Santa Barbara is nowhere near as good as the gelato in New Zealand. It was sad, really.)

hm.

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I made banana bread and brownies and those are both good. 🙂

I made jam and it didn’t set. Poopy. I think it’s cause the fruit was over-ripe. My reading says it is a common problem. That’s fine, we’ll use it on ice cream. 🙂

And Shanna was a bit shocked after the first shot and burst into tears after the second shot. She only cried for a couple of minutes and then has been fine all day. We are now in negotiation with the pediatrician as to which vaccines we will be doing next. Have I mentioned that I love my pediatrician? He’s an awesome guy. He’s trying really really hard to sell us on flu shots and he had some great statistics to back up his point of view. I’m going to do more research but it may be that we get flu shots this year due to some issues with H1N1 and pregnancy. We’ll see. We also need to decide about DTaP. That one… I have a lot of conflict about but it might make our schedule. MMR and Polio will both happen before our next overseas trip. This thinking about vaccine stuff is very anxious making.

She dropped percentiles on weight again. However she did gain half a pound which is upward progress and I’m happy about that. She is down to the 30% on weight. (21 lbs 4 oz) She is at the 81% on height (this is kind of neato). (31.5″) And head circumference has dropped a little but it’s still high. I can’t remember the exact number and I can’t find the piece of paper. 🙂

He was impressed with her vocabulary. 🙂 I am too so it’s awesome to be validated. 😀

I think that’s it for now.

(Icon because I just got out of the shower and I’m naked. 😛 )

Whoo hoo

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Adventure! We are going to Santa Barbara for the weekend. I’m excited. I’ve never actually been down there. And I asked the boyfriend of a friend to pick up our farm share and he said sure. Yay! That was a rather easily arranged weekend. 🙂

Today I need to: make banana bread, make jam, and pack.

Tomorrow Shanna has a checkup, more shots. 🙁 Luckily Noah can go with us because I just can’t hold her down for the needle. 🙁 I do believe that the choice we are making is right but it sucks.

And we are going to a festive grown up party tomorrow night. I’ve got some high hopes about that but I’m not completely sure how I would like it to go. There are so many choices! Mmmm I like thinking about my options. 🙂 And I am even more excited that I know some particular people are going because that makes my options so much more appealing. 🙂

Restless

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I want to go somewhere. I want to go do something big and exciting and dramatic. But my life doesn’t allow such things anymore. I am consumed by minutiae. I am obsessed with ensuring that I am Safe. But how is that benefiting me really? Why am I doing this to myself? Ugh. It’s making me easily frustrated and so ridiculously bored.

{dirtier} So we are going out…

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On the 28th Noah and I will be going to the swingers party at Edges. I think it would be really really awesome if I knew people there. 🙂 I like seeing my friends have sex. It’s a little quirk I have. I’m teetering on the edge of making explicit “I would like to see more of ‘x’ at the party” comments so I’ll stop. 😀

More words! (not the meme kind)

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Additional words:
nana (for banana)
bees! (for boobies. *sigh*)
bread (it sounds like bread but said shortened. I can’t explain it.)
cheese
isthis? (seems like, what is this?)
Moo (for cow milk)
sauce (for apple sauce)
car
cat
Puff (cat’s name)
mama
dada
pee
poopoo
nose
cheek
no! (I can’t believe I forgot no!)
bite

These are in addition to:
up
outside
hi
stop
shoe
boo!
slide (used for swing and slide)
sit
step
butt
shiny
book
nigh-nigh

Her signs:
yay
waving
potty
apple
dessert
more
all done
milk
hot
banana

Whoo hoo!

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Today’s the day! I get to start back-breaking physical labor! Sheetrock is heavy. 🙂 I keep telling myself, “It will all be worth it when I can walk down the hallway with less of risk of breaking my neck in the middle of the night.”

Man am I grateful to Taylor. Yay Taylor!

ETA:
Apparently today is the day I get to schedule back breaking labor. He had a good point about waiting on delivery so stuff isn’t going to happen for a while. I think I am just as happy. This will give me a chance to do more fussing inside the house with arranging stuff without being grumpy and in pain. I also get to have a couple of weeks between bursts of project obsession. Maybe in the meantime I’ll get around to making jam. 🙂

Of course I am already thinking about Christmas.

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On MDC there is a thread about trying to limit Christmas so that it doesn’t become a gimmee spree. One woman posted something she got from a book:

The Four Things Children Need At Christmas

1. A relaxed and loving time with family.
2. Realistic expectations about gifts.
3. An evenly paced holiday season.
4. Reliable family traditions.

Combine this with the other maxim about presents posted in the thread:

Something you want.
Something you need.
Something to wear.
Something to read.

It’s making me stop and think about Christmas again. Last year I burned myself out with cookies. I shouldn’t do that again. I’m also thinking that due to financial schtuff this year I really should tell people that we aren’t buying presents. That’s going to be hard emotionally for me and I think for Noah. Awkward.

busybusybusybusy

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I have been very industrious this week. I have been working from when I get up till late in the evening. I’m exhausted. Of course there is more to do. Every so often I get into these cycles of freaking out about the fact that there is Always More To Do!!! Then I decide I don’t care and I ignore allmost of it for a while. I wish I could get to that part already but I can’t. The big thing left to do in the garage is dismantle the shelves that are attached to the walls and I’m afraid that is going to be difficult work because pieces of it are very heavy. Taylor is coming on Tuesday (!!!) so we can get started on figuring out the garage stuff. I’m terribly excited. Yes, I’m aware it will take multiple days. 🙂 But Taylor unlike certain other people I could name but won’t isn’t a flake and will actually follow through when he says he will do a project with me so I’m not stressing. 🙂

We’re going to have a playroom! And I’ve started a fund for a play kitchen. 😀 I think that the play kitchen money should come out of my personal entertainment/fun money because I want it so bad. 🙂 Shanna really doesn’t care at this point.

I went to the orthopedic orthopedic? maxillofacial? surgeon today to discuss getting an implant. This is going to be expensive. 🙁 I briefly read the propaganda they had on the subject but I left it at the office cause it pissed me off. No, this will not magically make my life better. I am, however, quite interested in the procedure because it can help prevent bone loss/decay issues later. So yeah. And once I get the procedure done it is like three months until the next step. So I guess it’s a good thing we decided to wait like six months before trying to get pregnant. oy.

And I went to a physical therapy thing today for my knee. Shanna was remarkably good. She sat on the chair and drew on a piece of paper and played with my sweater for an hour. Ok… probably 45 minutes and then she wanted to nurse. 🙂 I’m once again impressed with my wonderful baby.

Boy howdy is she getting willful. I thought the ‘nononono’ didn’t start till more like two. Oy. When she’s not in the mood for something she is really not in the mood. It’s interesting. Of course I override sometimes when it is a safety issue. I try really hard not to override just because “I’m the mom”. I find myself having to fight my temper more now and that’s difficult for both of us. Like when I’m cleaning up the Cheerios she flung all over the floor. It’s ok that she made the mess but when I’m cleaning it up, don’t come in the middle and throw stuff again! Dude! So rude! I find myself talking about manners, rudeness, politeness, and consideration constantly. I’m sure there are a good many parenting gurus who would describe my system as awful. I’m very very judgmental of her behavior. It seems to me that if I’m not she won’t learn how to evaluate behavior. I never ever tell her she is bad. I do tell her constantly that she is good and sweet and generous. I tell her, “It is rude to yell inside because it hurts peoples ears.” I know she doesn’t ‘get it’ yet but I figure starting young will help ingrain these lessons. She does seem to understand, “Please stop” and respects it more often than I would expect at this age.

Maybe that’s enough babbling for now. 🙂

Appreciation

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Today I am feeling very happy with the world and everything in it, so I’ll talk a little bit about what I appreciate today. 🙂

I appreciate that my wonderful Marcie let me have huge blocks of wood for my yard. Soon I will get around to finishing that project and I will have the coolest sandbox ever!

I appreciate that my darling husband tolerates my ongoing projects and obsessions. 😀

I appreciate that my daughter loves books so much. And that she is picking up words at a prodigious rate. It is getting so much easier to communicate with her.

I appreciate that my house is small enough to be easy to clean. The older I get and the more stuff I have to get done in a day the more I appreciate this. 🙂

I appreciate that Taylor offered to come help me finish the garage. It is almost entirely cleaned out! It will be done by Friday! This is so exciting. (At this point there is probably about an hour of moving stuff and an hour or two of cleaning left.)

I appreciate the heck out of the chest freezer. Man that thing makes my life better. I have a whole mess of (organic) beef and chicken. I have a huge stash of raw milk, butter, cream, and cheese. I have a freak-ton of ice cream (I buy it on sale and stock up). And then there are the ’emergency’ tv-dinner lunches for Noah’s lunch when we have nothing else. It’s so awesome. I think I have enough meat to last me the next six months and maybe longer. This pleases me immensely. We will need more ice cream and milk before then. 🙂

I appreciate the wonderful variety of food available to me here in the bay area. I like that my taste buds have been expanded in ways they wouldn’t have if I lived in middle America.

I appreciate the awesome cookbooks available to me that have taught me how to cook some of the amazing food I enjoy so much. And the baking. *swoon* The baking! I’m pretty good at baking, I have discovered. I really enjoy it.

I appreciate being comfortable financially at a time when many people aren’t. It’s a luxury. I have the luxury of staying home with my kids as long as I want to. It’s really nice.

I appreciate my new roof. Holy crap on toast do I appreciate my new roof. And I really love that we are basically off grid for our electricity usage. That makes me feel good about my impact on the planet. I’m wasteful in other places (like travel and eating meat) so I try to do what I can elsewhere.

I appreciate our wonderful car. It is fantastically efficient and well functioning. It is still pretty through absolutely no effort of mine.

I appreciate having the luxury to sit around and think extensively about what is best for my family. My life is non-stressful and non-traumatic. I get to think about family planning in a safe and comfortable environment where many options are possible. That’s amazing.

I appreciate having yards big enough to worry about. 🙂 It means that Shanna has lots of room to play and explore. And I appreciate how much she loves being outside. That bodes well. 🙂

I appreciate Ikea. My house is turning into an Ikea showroom. It’s kind of funny. But man is it useful and cheap! And I think all the stuff we bought there looks perfectly decent. Yay Ikea!

I appreciate that when I have computer problems I always find a friend to help me fix them. 😀 Man living in the valley rocks. 😀