Yesterday I had some really intense feelings of anger/frustration. They happened mostly because I was tired.

So, Noah and I did a bunch of running around and errands for most of the day. By about four when we got home all three of us were tired. I wandered back to the bedroom and laid down with the munchkin. She wasn’t ready to admit defeat and sleep though. She has been kicking me a lot when she isn’t in the mood to be in the bed. I started to feel angry and put upon at this. I called to Noah a couple of times and he didn’t answer. So I went out to the living room and he was asleep. Instantly I felt enraged. I wanted to drop the baby on him and tell him to deal with her for a while. I wanted to grab something and throw it at him (not anything that would hurt him…like a pillow…).

But I didn’t. Instead I went back to the bedroom and laid down with Shanna and felt very sorry for myself that I didn’t get to have a break and he did. I decided that I didn’t like how I was feeling so I started trying to reframe. Shanna will only be this young and attached to me for a relatively short period of time. Right now it feels like forever but it really won’t be. At some point in the future she will prefer Noah and that will hurt my feelings too. I thought about how even if I did wake Noah up he probably wouldn’t be able to keep her settled for very long because she just doesn’t with him so I would be woken up again not long after going to sleep anyway.

So I held her in a position that is annoying for me, but she loves. She cuddled up and started nursing and quickly fell asleep. I curled around her and slept pretty well for three hours. I woke up feeling physically better and really happy that I didn’t do anything I would regret. I had my feelings and I moderated my behavior too.

I feel rather disgustingly proud of myself. 🙂