Category Archives: adult-only

Published in the adult-only category

Moving on

Contrary. I’m contrary. From as long as I can remember all I need is a challenge and then I can accomplish most anything. So while I know I need to grieve I also know that I will be ok. Being ok will be rapidly pushed along because I was told I wouldn’t be ok. Given my life and the things I have been ok after I know that this won’t knock me down for long. I will miss the closeness I ached to have. I will find a family that will choose me. I will find a way to feel safe and secure in all of the things I actually have instead of wishing for things that I can’t have. I know that my definition of family isn’t a universal definition, but I’m ok with that. Last I checked not much about my view of the world was universal.

It’s hard and I don’t pretend otherwise, but having standards and strong opinions is just like that. It’s still worth the effort and hardship.

One more hour until another hard thing. Today has to go better than yesterday–there isn’t much of a way for it to be worse. Please God, let me have the ability to say the things I need to say in a clear and effective voice.

{my shit} anxious

For the record.

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Finished the third book last night. 6 days for all three. I love summer.

In other news.

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I have 2A for certain. This is massively good news as I have been really unhappy about the prospect of teaching lockstep grade level sophmore English. This means freedom for my curriculum (uhm, within basic constraints of course). This means I get to push hard in a class full of fairly capable kids.

I can work with this. Lit circles. We are totally going to do lit circles. Oh the books I can make them read!

{my shit} Note about filter, unpretty, unworthy, hating myself

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Uhm, a note about this filter. I’ve taken people off of it because I am going through one of those major control freak periods where unsolicited comments I don’t like are really really bothering me. So I’ve cut back most of the people who make comments I don’t want to hear. Maybe that is petty, but this is my bloody journal and if I don’t get to write what I want here without being responded to in ways I don’t like I should just forget the whole thing. I label this filter pretty religiously so you know in advance that it’s the heavier shit.

Most of the time I don’t say too much about people commenting on stuff. I ignore stuff I don’t want to respond to or I take someone off a filter and that’s about the end of it. On this filter I’m going to ask everyone to think before you comment. I’m not saying that anyone has to sycophantically agree with me or suck up, just think pretty hard before you comment. If your comment is tangential or not really about what is being brought up, please don’t comment. This filter is where I write about a lot of the stuff that is the hardest for me. I let people read it because many people have expressed that they really want to see what is happening for me as I work through this stuff. But as people stop feeling safe for me to process in front of they are simply removed. It isn’t up for discussion or negotiation. If you feel like you no longer want to be on this filter, please let me know. I am happy to take you off.

Continue reading →

{my shit} More general stuff

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I’ve been on a serious roller coaster ride emotionally lately and I don’t know why. No, I’m not pregnant; I checked. I’m crying at the drop of a hat. Everything bothers me in some way, either it makes me angry or it makes me sad or it makes me withdraw. I wish I could point at something in particular and say “That! That’s why I’m upset!” but I can’t.

Uhm, it’s longer than I expected. Continue reading →

{my shit} Therapy homework

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My therapist is so laid back that she practically lays down during our sessions. This is really good for me cause I need mellow people desperately. But this week she got all aggressive like and gave me *gasp* homework. Alright.

I’m supposed to go through the messages I have gotten around money. I’ve been having some issues around class stuff really bothering me and she thinks this might be a good starting place for working through it. (I’m not saying I have fully embraced all of these, but they exist for me.)

*”You should advertise here so you can get more money.” – The strong implication was the only career I should head for is prostitution. I was about 12. This came from my brother and my cousin.
*My mom was destitute but my father was actually middle class. He controlled all of the purse strings and therefore basically all of the safety and security and happiness in my family.
*If my mom wanted child support she had to go fuck my dad.
*I was often the only white kid who was poor. I knew other kids who were equally in bad shape, but they seemed to have cultural support in dealing with it. It was somehow extra shameful that I was so poor and white.
*Poor people should be grateful for anything well off people decide to give them/do for them. Even if it nothing like what you need or want.
*My mother often spent money selfishly/foolishly and it meant that I did without some basic necessities at times. I grew to believe that spending money on yourself meant hurting the people around you because my mother spent money on herself and it sometimes hurt me. I don’t want to be like that.
*I have the obligation to work hard for money and then give it to my family when they need it. Even if that means fucking up my own life.
*It’s ok to spend money on something that costs less than $10 basically anytime you want to. Even though all of those small purchases add up and cause a problem later. It was cheap and therefore ok to buy.
*It’s always ok to buy clothes, movies, and books. Even if you don’t have enough food.
*Supporting children is an obligation that should be shoved off on someone else as often and for as long as possible.
*It’s ok to lie about how much money you have when someone asks you if they can have money, but it isn’t ok to say “no.”
*Car maintanence is an extravagance that should be put off as long as possible.
*Food should be cheap and plentiful because spending more money on a small amount is stupid and wasteful.
*Wanting more than someone can provide makes you selfish and bad. You should stop wanting.
*Wanting nicer things (like matched dishes) is snobby and vain and selfish.
*Using paper napkins/plates/etc at Thanksigiving/Christmas is low class and disgusting.

I can’t think of anything else right now. I may edit this later.

There is always another side to the story.

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Still no pats on the head.

1. You are a fuck up, but you are my fuckup. I love you.
2. I wish you could talk about the things that broke you. I really believe you would come out stronger on the other side of that conversation.
3. Shiny isn’t everything. Maybe you would be better off figuring out how to fix what you have rather than going out trying to find something shinier. You are more loved than you know.
4. I wish you would stop being obsessed with appearances. Your life would be better if you focused on the things that matter. There are things that matter in your life–don’t lose out on them.
5. If you don’t like your life, change it. You have that power. You are stronger than you know.
6. You are wonderfully kind and I admire you. I don’t really want to be like you, but I admire you.
7. You are smart, talented, capable, and generally amazing. I wish life would stop stomping you into the ground.
8. I think about what might have been and I don’t know if I am happy or sad. Maybe you deserve happiness more than I do. Maybe it wouldn’t have made you happy. I do hope that you find your joy.
9. Please, please get a different job. Don’t you see that this one isn’t making you happy and never will? Isn’t your happiness worth some extra effort now and then?
10. I’m glad I chose you. For all the frustration you bring into my life, you bring great joy and love as well. Thank you.

Maybe it’s you.

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I liked the meme that was “10 things you want to say to people”. I’m not going to pat anyone on the head and say, “Oh honey, of course I don’t mean you” so don’t bother asking for it.

1. Fuck you.
2. I find it particularly hypocritical that you allow me to be in a position you don’t want to be in yourself. Grow a fucking backbone.
3. Wow, you are so being used. I hope the sex is worth it.
4. Grow up. No really, grow up. It’s past fucking time you stop acting like a child.
5. Being prepared isn’t some magical occurance that just happens to some people. You need to take responsibility for yourself and actually get your shit done.
6. I hate you. I would feel kind of guilty for it, but I would cheerfully dance on your fucking grave you stupid piece of shit.
7. Quite whining about the situations you get yourself into over and over and over again. No one wants to hear it. You would be amazed at who all talks shit about you behind your back.
8. Stop patronizing me you fucker. And don’t correct my pronunciation when I am in a bad mood, dick.
9. Don’t ask him to touch you again. He isn’t yours. Ask your own boy to touch you.
10. I’m tired of being nice to you. Why the fuck can’t you do something well and truly deserving of me hating you so that I can stop feeling guilty for it.

One down

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Two to go.

I really really really like this series. 🙂

Worth saying.

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I’ve said it before and I’l say it again. If you are my family you get to ask me to pick you over other people because that is what family means to me. I believe in taking sides. I believe that is what actually loving someone means.

And it is only for family that I will deal with feeling so frustrated and still actually talk to the person I am angry with. Just sayin. Chosen family means I choose you. No buts. No except for.

Ya’ll still piss me the fuck off sometimes.

{inner circle} Fucking livid.

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It was such a good day. I am not ok with being manipulated.

I’m very sad about the fact that one less person is on this filter. I could spit nails. I’m not coherent.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!

fan self

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I know I’m late to the game, but I’ve discovered Kushiel’s Dart.

I’ll be in my bunk.

Socializing with neato people

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We have a whole freakin lot of chocolate, some of it really good some of it enh. We have a ridiculous amount of vanilla ice cream. We have a bottle of 1977 Taylor Fladgate port which is absolutely divine.

Anyone want to come over on Thursday and enjoy a combination of the above with us? 🙂

Bitching about tribe and the bdsm community in general.

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For a while now I have felt that I will not support the Citadel by going to parties or playing there because the favortism and attitudes that the owners have towards their little pets. I went to classes periodically because that was the only place to see those classes. I have decided that I am better off missing those events. I won’t give that space one more dollar of my money. I have no respect for the way it is being run, for the gossip, for the bullshit posturing, for the ridiculous ass-kissing, for any of it really. I want nothing to do with the space in any way. They repeatedly delete all threads that specifically list complaints with how the space is being run and then say, “Well, why don’t you volunteer if you want things to be different!” Because volunteering there does nothing to change the system. The well is poisoned from the very top and that can’t/won’t be fixed by volunteering. Instead, I will vote with my feet and my wallet.

I’ve been around long enough to know that I just need to be patient. This space will go away eventually.

Clarification of “not really available”

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Quite a while back Noah and I discussed what sorts of things should change about our lives when it comes to having children. As it turns out, we both feel pretty strongly that it would not be a good idea to have outside “relationships” while breeding and raising young’uns. Yes, there is the issue of potential disease risk, but mostly there is the little matter of heavily nesting and wanting to direct that sort of energy towards our family and our future. We both have a tendency towards “Ooh! Shiny!” and that isn’t a good thing to be doing while we should be spending our energy on other things. At this point we are quite firmly into the, “Kid could happen at any point. No really. Any.Day.Now. Ovulate already you stupid ovary!!!!” Heh.

What this means for us is that we are not polyamorous. We are not pursuing outside relationships as they take away energy and time that we want to keep between us. This brings us to the fact that we live in a binary society–if we aren’t polyamorous, we’re monogamous–right? Well, mostly. There will be no baby making sex any year soon as that is something we think would be a very Bad Idea to do while trying to breed. Paternity issues and disease risk just aren’t things we feel are worth the neato-ness of outside sex. Being us, we still really really like the idea of flirting and *some* sexual contact with other people. I suppose this means that we aren’t 100% completely and totally monogamous as oral sex does count as sex. But we also feel like such potential foreys into playing with other people should be done together and very rare. In fact, it isn’t for certain that this will happen and it will be all talked about and stuff and evaluated on a case by case basis of “how much drama could this person potential add into our lives.”

So yeah. That’s what “not really available” means for us. At least until last kid is a year or more old. 🙂 Of course I still like talking about sex, pretty much constantly. Please please don’t take this as a sign of “I want to have sex with you.”

Yay flirting!

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Having a hot boy hit on me feels nice. Having a hot boy hit on me who doesn’t already love me because I am a spiffy person feels even better. And it turns out that this hot boy has so many overlapping social circles with me that my brain is about to explode. He knows and and and and many other people I know less well and not really through lj. My head is about to go BOOM!!

Noah has pointed out to me that despite the fact that I have really good stories I should specifically state that despite my usual rampant sluttiness I am not available anymore. Hm. Yeah. I hadn’t really thought of it as leading him on, I’m just telling stories. Oh, but people get impressions from those stories… Right. *sigh*

Food

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I’m uhm, kind of strange. I have always liked sending food off with my SO such that he can share it with people at work. I have had some interesting mixed reactions over time. So, what would ya’ll think of it? If you want to, explain your answer in comments.

Not so sure this is mine…

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Rob tells Virgos:
In the language of the Hopi Indians, koyaanisqatsi means “crazy life,” “life in turmoil,” or “life out of balance.” It’s usually invoked to describe a culture that’s in disarray because of corruption and lack of vision. In the horoscope you’re now reading, however, I’m using it to identify a chaotic state that each of us periodically goes through in our personal life. It’s a phase when we lose our moorings, when we’re out of touch with our moral center. On the one hand, it’s uncomfortable and disorienting. On the other hand, the brain-scrambling it stirs up is often a blessing. It flushes out mental habits that no longer serve us. It provokes creative innovations by rearranging the contents of our psyche. According to my reading of the omens, this is such a time for you, Virgo. Happy koyaanisqatsi!

He tells Libras:
The muskmelon is a fruit that continues to ripen after it’s picked, whereas a watermelon stops ripening the moment it’s plucked from the vine. As you enter your own personal harvest season, Libra, keep that difference in mind; it’ll be a useful metaphor. Some of the “crops” you’ve been growing all these months are like muskmelons, while others are like watermelons. Do you know which are which? Let the watermelon-like fruits of your labors stay on the vine until you’re absolutely sure they’re fully mature.

Both of them seem kind of random for me.

Sex/play party curiosity

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Party the first at this location was remarkably… mellow. People only played if I pushed them to play pretty hard. I found this amusing. I have already been asked if I plan to host more sex parties and seeing as Noah and I have talked about that several times I figure it is worthwhile to see what kind of interest people have. This is a fairly narrow filter, though most of the time partners are on the filter. Please do not spread around mention of this as there are many “obvious” people to invite to this sort of party who I am not inviting for whatever reason. I’m thinking that once I get past the initial bit of confirmation of interest I will switch to emails and I will ask people if they want to recommend anyone for the party invite list at that point.

Comments are screened. Are you interested in this sort of event? Do you want me to invite you to such an event? Do you wish I would stop assuming you were interested in this sort of event? Please let me know. 🙂

(If there are no major conflicts the weekend of August 25/26 might be good for an event. Please tell me if you know of conflicts.)

You just keep going

Do the best you can