Category Archives: adult-only

Published in the adult-only category

Looking for grateful

*deep breath*

It was… quite a weekend. Lots of that processing shit, but a few large break throughs which really rocked.

Those of you who told me why you respect/love me–thank you. I keep rereading them and just knowing that you cared enough to respond is so awesome.

I still have the best husband ever. He is so incredibly supportive of my crazy that it just isn’t even funny. I win.

I have an upcoming visit with one of my very favorite Bostonians. YAY! It will be happening right on the heels of… my first ever trip to Vegas. I expect much fun and silliness and amazing as we are seeing Cirque (several shows) and Blue Man Group. 🙂 How is that for a Valentine’s present? 🙂

Stuff is still being hard, but I’m trying really hard to stop and see the wonderful in my life. I really am incredibly lucky.

{my shit} mommy called

I called my mother and left her messages yesterday and this morning. She called me back tonight.

My mommy forgives me. My mommy told me that none of it was my fault–I was a little girl and I did nothing that needs to be forgiven. We talked about the things I feel so guilty for and she told me more about what was happening and stressed that none of it was my fault.

My mommy forgives me.

{my shit} Therapy homework.

It is interesting to me as I sit here dispassionately looking at the many escapist ways I have of not getting to thinking about what I don’t want to think about. I hyper-notice the cleaning that NEEDS to happen (emphasis added to explain degree of obsession), and I need to go eat. Cleaning house was always one of the few things I could do to make my mother happy. I am also back to a feeling I haven’t had in a long while. When I am completely overwhelmed by my emotional state I cannot eat enough food to make me feel food. My stomach aches with hunger even after consuming a decent sized meal. Given how much of my life I have spent feeling this way I must stop and realize that I actually have a decently quick metabolism. Hm. But I am babbling because I want to procrastinate. I need to stop, but I really don’t want to do this.

Oh, this is going to be one of the few times I really ramble on and on as if this is a paper journal just for me. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to follow my ramblings and ickiness. And just to prove how much you really don’t need to read it: Here. It’s not even on your screen.

Blatant (and perhaps childish) request for ego stroking

I’m having one of those “I don’t much like me” days and I am about to start doing something I really don’t want to do. So as I am heading in to this I would like to request that, if you feel motivated to do so–don’t worry about it if you don’t–please tell me something I have actually done that you respect and/or love me for. None of this nebulous, “You’re great!” stuff. I know people mean well… but really it always feels so non committal as to mean nothing.

Thank you for listening. 🙂

They did it!

We still technically have one assignment left, but unless they simply *don’t do it* (which isn’t likely as everyone has worked their asses off) there will be 22 F’s for all of my classes. At the last grading period there were 48 F’s.

I can’t believe they did it. Ok, I want to cry. At least for once these days it is out of happiness. 🙂

(And of these 22 F’s, more than half of them are basically never here so of course they are failing. Two of them don’t have the credits to graduate anyway and they are leaving school in February when they turn 18 so they have been showing up just to avoid being fined. And a couple have severe learning disabilities and the fact that they have a high F is a big deal for their progress.)

fuck.fuck.fuck.

I woke up this morning to cramping and misery from that part of me which makes me a girl. I tried to get started on the day anyway. After making breakfast I hear Noah observe, “M and L are married?” At this point my day is complete. Before 9am my status as a fuck up is complete.

I am so sorry.

Kid found

Turns out the kid ditched class to hit the skate park early. They found him and brought him to the school and both mom and dad and I sat down and had a chat.

Dad has some serious issues. He is violent and angry and doesn’t like his son much and hates his ex wife. He went off on how he sees his son in the main character, which I find pretty unfair. Yes, the kid is not the happiest child ever–but I really don’t see him as an angry and awful person. We had a very interesting conversation in which I lied to his father a little. I told him that statistically the kids who write the stories and hand them in to class are not usually the ones to actually go do something horrible. I believe that to be true, but I haven’t done the research so it is a little fib.

I believe that kids should be allowed to write about whatever they feel moved to write about. I really do. My point of view, and what I told this family, is that it wasn’t cool for him to drop that story and then run away without talking to me about it. I explained that he should have at the very least warned me that I was likely to find it kind of upsetting because that way I won’t freak out when I see it. He said he hadn’t really thought of that because he knows that I am going to let him write what he wants to write. I also explained that this was the worst day possible to ditch and he laughed. I think he realized a little too late that he should have thought of that.

Looks like mom and dad are both very upset with each other and playing games with the kid. I think it sucks. I can understand why he has some anger issues and I’m not really holding that against him. I like the kid and I hope things end up ok.

He did write a kick ass, vivid story.

Holy Shit.

I had a parent call during 5th period. I told him I was in the middle of teaching and I would call back during lunch. His kid came in during the first 1-3 minutes of lunch and dropped off the essay that is due today. I called the parent back and the parent said that he is very concerned because the essay that is about to be turned in is very very disturbing. I said that I would read it right now and call back. So I did. Yeah, this essay is seriously disturbing. It is full of, “I hate everyone. There is no such thing as friendship. People will be better off if they are killed. I want to die because my life is pointless.” Nine fucking pages of this. With graphic descriptions of how people should be killed.

I called his father back to talk about it. The kid told his dad that school ended at noon today, but that was a lie. The kid told me when he dropped off the paper that he had an appointment and wouldn’t be in class. And he isn’t here.

The police have been notified. The school is looking for him. His father is calling every person who has ever known him.

I freaked out and put up posters covering my windows so you can’t see in from the outside. I usually keep my door unlocked so it can be opened without even turning the door handle and right now it is locked. My students are looking at me like I am crazy, but …

I can feel the adrenaline rushing. I didn’t really think I would have days like this at work.

hmmm anyone bored?

I’m making the vocabulary final for my little darlings. I’m also working on making the book test. My brain is being very fried so I thought I would put this up here in case anyone is feeling bored.

Your challenge, should you choose to take it, is to create questions for the final. The test is going to be administered with a scantron for ease of grading. Make one question, five, the whole test… anything would be great. 🙂 The directions and words are below in the cut…

Continue reading

{small filter} On edge

Recently I had something happen which has lead me to feel very on edge and pissy and angry. I’m not handling it well. I am seething with rage over small and stupid things. I can’t hear anything without feeling like my nose is being rubbed in it (whatever the it is of that second). This is certainly a feeling I have had before, but it has been a while. This angry makes it hard to do anything at all. I’m pretty nervous about kids getting here in less than 20 minutes. I have to completely stuff this. I have to be cheerful and friendly and helpful and I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

The only way I know to get through this is to hold my breath and just wait for it to be over, but that is a lot harder when there is a lot I have to do. I am really angry with myself for reacting this way on top of having trouble with my emotions so it is just one big awful cluster fuck. Today I don’t like me, or much of anyone else. Please God, let today go quickly. This is really hurting.

Back at school.

I got here a little early so I could put my head back on. It hasn’t worked well. I really don’t want to be here. Kids start arriving in my room in about 15 minutes.

I didn’t grade anything over the vacation. I did no prep work. I refuse to feel bad. 🙂 I have a pile about 8″ thick of grading to do and somewhere between 120 and 150 essays being turned in on Friday. These were written in class so they are very likely to actually turn this one in.

For the next 2-3 weeks my whole life is going to be my job. Vacation was great. I’m trying to convince myself that I actually like my job right now… The semester ends in 17 days. I have 22 days to turn in my grades. I wonder if I can have all the grading done in 15 days so that all I have to do at the end is add in the final? That would rock and allow me a 3 day weekend in January. Hmmmm. It would be nice.

I’m babbling to try and convince myself I can do this.

{dirtier} My life is your porn

I kind of want to give a full, dirty, explicit description of what happened, but I’m tired. I got very little sleep. What I will say that this holiday season (I’m pretending that November is not part of the holiday season) was by far the raunchiest two weeks I’ve ever had. A terribly successful foursome was had. Much sex in public. All kinds of depraved things in the privacy of my bedroom including my first ever real live two boys in the lower bits sex.

Wow.

I’m sore.

Sarah asked…

“What were the five most memorable moments for you in 2006? Happy, sad, weird – moments that stuck in your mind and flash by when you think of the year.”

1. Looking at Noah and for one split second being terrified that I was making a huge mistake but then realizing that no, being married by a Walrus really was for the best. (Ok, seriously: I had this moment where I knew I was absolutely making the right decision. It was wonderful.)
2. Meeting Noah’s parents. Ok, I’ve done it.
3. Having my best friend over for dinner and sitting on the floor eating it off of Hercules plates and getting into the juicy bits of our respective psyches’ and hearing him tell me, “I think you will say no but I will never forgive myself if I don’t ask. Will you marry me?” Ok, so given that this was Noah there were like 75 more words in that brief little sentiments and lots of repeating himself… but my memory is good at condensing. 🙂
4. When I was about 25 seconds into the agony of my first tattoo appointment when I stopped and went, “Holy shit. What the FUCK am I doing?!?!!!!!” I’m still working on it anyway.
5. Strangely I think the last one was on my trip to New York. That was my first serious trip like that alone. I got to be dependent only on myself in a way I have never been before. I was so terribly lonely for most of it–I am so needy when it comes to my support network. I’m going to mention specifically the desk guy at the hostel who developed a mad crush on me during that week of being in the building. 🙂 He was sweet.

Amazingly well written article.

terpsichoros posted an article about Noka chocolate yesterday and I finally finished reading it. It is fairly long, but completely worth the time and energy. I am seriously impressed by the work of the author.

As a side note: Davisites! Is anyone interested in trying some of this chocolate? It is made by 7 young girls in Davis and I am interested in trying some. They will hand deliver in Davis and I think that is great. Oh, and for folks outside of Davis–it’s worth looking at anyway.

Free shit!

🙂

Don’t you love Christmas vacation? Nothing to do but clean house, get rid of stuff, and post on lj. I’ll shut up again soon, I promise.

We have four prints that we would like to get rid of. The frames are about 6″ by 6″ square and in the center is a smaller kanji character. According to writing on the back they say: Laughter, Clarity, Love, and Energy. They have mottled colored backgrounds in the inner 3″ by 3″ square with black characters. They are actually nice looking but I am of the opinion that if I have to read the translation on the back and hope it is right, I shouldn’t have it up on my walls.

Anyone want them?