Category Archives: adult-only

Published in the adult-only category

Insanity.

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My school is seriously desperate for English teachers. We are down by 3 full time teachers. (This means we have 15 class sections to place.)

This means we are cutting small class sizes for the freshman–this will eliminate the need for 7 of those class sections. But we are still short of teachers for 8 sections. Two people have gone back to full time from part time and they are begging people to take an extra section.

I volunteered. It looks like I will probably be teaching six classes next year. It will be an extra $7K/year. I made the request that it be an extra section of English 3 and not Comp & Lit for that class will be more stressful for me. We’ll see. This would put a bit of an accelaration towards paying off my student loan debt.

The extra load of grading will probably pretty much eliminate my social life this year. Hm. I’m telling myself that I am doing this for the good of my school and for the students and the extra money won’t suck. Scary though. I move from 20% to 120%. Dude! This looks like my life! ha.

Freakin memes (I made it dirty)

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Here are the rules:
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write ablog with six random facts about yourself. In the end you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names.

Damn you barelyproper!! (I’m so running out of random facts. I have already done these memes too many times. This had to get shuffled to my dirtiest filter)

Uhhhhh I decided to make these all NWS

Laundry question

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So I tried being a good little internet enabled girly and looked for the answer to my question and found http://www.geektimes.com/michael/culture/clothing/kilts/utilikilts/care.html

But now I want to ask you, the Utilikilt enabled members of my friendslist a question. How do you launder your Utilikilt? What has worked the best for maintaining the hot look that so many pulled off on Sunday?

Traditionally I have washed it in cold water and then had it lay flat to dry. That worked well with Tom’s so now I am doing it with Noah’s as well. Any other thoughts?

Mmmm food

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As our contribution to the wedding potluck I have made my mommy’s lasagna. It’s a dry lasagne made with more cheese than you can shake a stick at. It’s so damn good it just isn’t funny. 🙂

(A dry lasagna means that it doesn’t have any sauce inside with the cheese and noodles, you add it at the end on top. 🙂

Bitches, boundaries, and dirty little secrets.

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When I was a kid my mother was fond of telling me: “We keep our dirty laundry in the closet” meaning that we do not discuss the horrible things that happen behind closed doors. I internalized this message and didn’t tell anyone I was abused for years. When I was 15 and had a series of breakdowns I came to the conclusion that I could not live by her directive. Instead I decided that I would have no secrets. I would do absolutely nothing I was ashamed to talk about generally. And if I ever did find I had something I was ashamed of I would talk about it as publicly as possible because then there would be nothing that could be held over my head. I can never have someone emotionally blackmail me with something I have done. I have accepted a small change in this policy in the past couple of years as I have slightly gone into the closet for my job. This has been incredibly emotionally stressful for me and paved the road for me to start keeping other things private. I recently had to look at myself and my life and what I am doing and I realized that I have a dirty little secret. I have something I am deeply ashamed of and that I am hiding from people. When your behavior is at odds with how you claim your behavior is that means that either your opinion of yourself/your ethics is out of date or you need to change your behavior. Given that I am still proud of my basic code of ethics that means that I need to undertake the very difficult and painful task of living up to it.

So here I am. This is my confession. This journal entry is not really filtered for a variety of reasons. I need to say these things about myself in a basically public way because that is how I operate when it comes to things that are bad. I cannot hide them. I debated with Noah long and hard the merits of doing this in a public way and essentially this is something that I need for me. So a lot of people who read this journal are not really used to my harsh self-analyzing posts so this one may be really hard for you. I invite you to skip it if you feel that the messy inner workings of my mind are things that do not need to be part of your life. And given the nature of gossip, if anyone chooses to break the basic confidentiality implied by my journal please at least have the respect for me to tell me that you are sharing this entry with other people. I feel I deserve that.

So here we go–a rather unhappy and dark picture of me.

Standard disclaimer

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I just did a bit of friends list pruning. If you were taken off, it isn’t because I hate you. I may feel like I just don’t know you. Maybe things that you post have no relevance to my life and I like keeping my reading list short. Maybe you are someone I used to tangentially know and I haven’t had a real conversation with you in a year or more.

Summary: don’t hate you. I just like to keep my friends list to people I feel a distinct connection with.

Being a bitch and having boundaries.

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Once upon a time I tried to reclaim the word “bitch” this may be something of a shock to people who did not know me when I was in high school because I am decidedly against being referred to as a bitch these days. It is funny that I can reclaim slut, but not bitch. See, I think that while sluts are put down, they aren’t hurtful people. Bitches are people who hurt other people. Someone can be bitchy, or say bitchy things–but that isn’t the same as being a bitch. Just like a little kid can sometimes be bad, but isn’t bad as a person. You see, I know I can be bitchy–far bitchier than most in fact, but it doesn’t define my personhood.

Ok, we have that out of the way. It is my opinion that people call someone a bitch more or less when they are saying that said person is not giving them what they want. It’s a put down that hits way to close to home for me because I ascribe a great deal of malice to bitches. So I believe that

{relationship stuff} Claiming

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Disclaimer: So, this is a rather small filter. There are 15 people on it That means that most of the people you might expect to be reading me won’t see stuff on this filter. A bunch of you have partners who are not on this filter. I’m not specifically going to say that I don’t want you to tell your partner anything about this, but please be vague if you decide to share information. I was talking with Noah about my general need for processing in a way that has an audience and he is fully understanding of the fact that the over-share is going to happen.He did express a preference that when I get into the times when I’m upset that it not be terribly public. This is more than fair so I created a filter of really close and trusted friends. I am also distinctly of the opinion that when I am really mad at him for some reason, that is as much about me and my shit as it is about him or the situation. My goal is to never slam him publicly or privately and if I ever skirt too close to that line, even on this filter, please feel free to call me on it. I’m allowed to be mad at him. I’m not allowed to denigrate him as a person. When I want advice about how to handle something, I will specifically ask for it. Otherwise it is the standard”tread carefully” kind of approach to giving me unsolicited advice. 🙂 The people I am sharing this with are the people I love and trust a great deal. I’m sharing this stuff in this way because I do respect and honor your opinions. I’m trusting you to be ok seeing parts of me that I may not share generally with the world. I’m going to be talking about bdsm, sex, abuse stuff… who knows. If you don’t want to see any portion of this, feel free to ask to be taken off the filter; I will understand.

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Conflicted

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I’m all weird and angsty right now and there are a bunch of reasons for it. My stomach hurts quite a bit and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional wonkyness.

This was a very rough weekend. There were high points that were quite wonderful, but a couple of lows that really blew. Cut in case drugs or my personal angst do not appeal.

HOT

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I was looking at my archive and wondered what I posted four times in one day a while back and came across http://rightkindofme.livejournal.com/253208.html so I reread the responses.

There are a few of you out there… Dear god ya’ll are HOT. Must go… uhm… yeah. That.

(If anyone wants me to remind you what you said… I’ll respond to your comment so it gets sent back to you.)

Silly

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On the net today there is a picture of me. The caption says:

“There are some people who wear T-shirts saying “Fight Censorship” andother people who take off their clothes in public, and refuse to putband aids over their nipples when asked to.”

I didn’t have the t-shirt on.

Yay much

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We are still making steady progress on the less-suck relationship wise. There have been a couple of remarkably good days with Noah and Spot and I had a nice dinner then Ikea run last night cause I was getting impatient on the no-date-for-a-while thing. Ok, I don’t hate them anymore. And the house is getting steadily less awful in my view and my view is the one that matters on this one. 😉 Being able to see visible progress on the mess is significantly helping my mental health actually as it lowers a lot of my anxiety. I really don’t handle living in a mess well. I’m still ignoring some of the filth because a lot of it isn’t worth dealing with right now because we are going to be painting soon and changing the carpeting.

I’m still having nightmares about being unprepared for school. I think this is getting ridiculous. I’m almost to a point in the house where I’m going to switch to school prep for a week or three. 🙂

Progress.

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So we’re up to 8 days of suck. It’s been exciting. But we’ve also been steadily making progress. We’ve figured out how to work around my, “I don’t announce in a group that I am upset–EVER” thing in order to usefully communicate. That was good. We’ve talked more about how time should be spent in general at group events. We have talked a lot about what we each want from play and how to get there. And last night we made up an Actual Rule. We modeled it off a friend. His rule is that he can’t date anyone crazier than him cause HE is the psycho in the relationship. We modified that a bit. Noah isn’t allowed to date anyone crazier than me. I’m the psycho in his life. This pleases me, because as much as I am crazy–I don’t deny this–I’m a fairly low drama crazy. Other crazy chicks are very high drama and they make my life suck. No more. 🙂

And you know, the best part? That as we are going through some conversations that are not fun and not easy to have, well they are getting easier. I’m feeling less defensive and hostile before we even begin cause he is actually listening to me and responding to my concerns on an ongoing basis, so why get hostile? And boy my throat is happy about the lower volumes. I think I’m picking the right boy.

Oh, and Angela, Joe, and Ali–thank you. Thank you more than I can ever express. I love you all soooo much. I’m grateful that you are my friends. Thank you for listening to my angst and hurt and helping me get through them to the useful parts.

{my shit} I want this week to end.

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It’s been a week since I managed to create a dramatic situation that could have been dealt with by a simple, “Hey, I would like some attention.” But no, I can’t do that. All I can do is feel bad and rejected when people don’t intuitively know that I am feeling lonely. All I can hear is, “You are too difficult to play with.” All I can do is feel like nothing is going to ever work out. I don’t know why that lovely euphoric coasting through my terrific relationships and life had to end, but it did with a bang. And now I feel like I am an awful person and I am treating both of my boys badly. I don’t really want to go anywhere so I’m seriously cramping Noah’s style. I just wish that I could just stop feeling this way. I want to be the happy-cheerful-‘on’ person that people like me to be, but I suck at it long term. I just can’t fill that role the way they want. And so I feel even worse about myself because I am dissappointing my partners.

I can tell this is going to be another bad day. At least I am going to just be alone for it. I hate inflicting my patheticness on people.