So uh… the hard drive on my laptop died yesterday. After excessive consultation with people who are smarter than me I surveyed my options and decided that I am buying a new laptop. More consultation with said smart people led me through my options and pricing and such. I will be buying one today.
Woof. Not Cheap.
Leave one memory of you and me together. It doesn’t matter if I know you a little or a lot, anything you remember! Next, post this in your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you.
(Icon is a cool memory I have of a friend giving me a place to belong last Thanksgiving. Uhm, I didn’t need to explain that. But I wanted to.)
Tomorrow my goals are:
Make the guest room neat. It doesn’t really matter that it is a mess, but I hate it and want the mess to go away.
Lug all of the bags out of the gun room down to the garage.
Start sorting out books that I will not need in the next year and pack them.
Finish grading the papers for the seniors and get mygradebook up to date for the juniors. Which means checking their WW, reading quiz, and vocabulary tests. I should put in their some of their upcoming points.
Put together lecture on suffering.
Stuff to not think about:
Why am I staying in this relationship?
Why is he completely unwilling to defend me when his family says rude/mean/hurtful things about me?
Where am I going to spend Thanksgiving?
Where am I going to spend Christmas?
Where will I be living in a year?
Why do I pick men who are unwilling to pay attention to me?
I just caught a student cheating on the vocabulary test.
I sent her to see the advisor. I told my class that the next time I catch someone cheating I will ask for suspension.
I assume that some of my friends are interested in some of this stuff, so I’ll let ya’ll have first crack.
One green suede skirt, knee length size 14. ($15)
One black pvc dress. Sleeveless, zipper up the whole front, scoop neck, size 14ish. ($10)
A huge stack of vintage seamless stockings. Fits approximately a size 8/10 leg. (free to a good home)
One black pvc dress in size large. It is kind of snake skin looking with a zipper down the front that allows some extra room or makes it tighter. The zipper is over a pleat kind of thing. ($25)
White baby doll pumps in a size 8. ($5) They are fairly scuffed. These stupid things scuff the first time you wear them. If you want them, take the suckers.
These shoes http://www.pierresilber.com/blhihesh.html in size 9 (they run small). ($10)
These shoes http://www.pierresilber.com/5oxford.html in size 9 (they run small). ($10)
Prices are based on what I paid when I bought it and how many times I wore it. If anyone wants to be nice and give me more money that would be just fine. Or I suppose you could try to negotiate me down if you are also a poor person and you think I will have pity on you.
Damn this link has shrunk. Thanks ya’ll!
So far I have collected 24 grocery bags worth of books to get rid of (maybe half of one of those bags is Puppy’s stuff) and I have a lawn trimming bag of clothes. We are going to be getting rid of a bunch of kitchen stuff as well. I can feel my belongings cry as they think of going away. 🙁
But Jesus Christ on a pogo stick by the third move in just over a year it is time to pare down.
I want to go out tonight. I don’t know what I want to do, but I want to not sit at home.
Any suggestions?
Comments screened…
Today I stood in front of my class and I asked them, “Why do you think I had you do this assignment?” I got half-hearted “cause it will help us” responses. I absolutely went off. I told them that I do not give them assignments because I am trying to find a way to kill an hour of class. I told them that I do not go out looking for ways to torture them just because I find it amusing. Every single thing we do in this class is for YOUR benefit. The point of yesterday’s exercise was for everyone to become an expert on one word and help everyone else in the class understand that word and give them context for being able to remember the word later, oh… on the test on Monday maybe. Instead I got upset and pissy in class because most of the class was not working or paying attention. We wasted a class period on screwing around and now if anyone wants to pass the test I suggest that they study over the weekend. The students didn’t let me down, they let one another down and that is a really sad thing.
I told them that I have had complaints about the screwing around distracting people so that they can’t pay attention and learn in class. I told them that I don’t like coming down on people and writing up referals is not my idea of a good time. But if I allow the misbehavior to be the rule of the day in my class then I am failing each and every student because I am not giving them the opportunity to learn that I agreed to do as my job. If I do not teach my students then I have failed and I am unwilling to do that. So the talking and sleeping and lack of work will no longer be tolerated. I will have a stack of referals on my desk and I will no longer engage with the people who are refusing to participate in their education. I qualified that yes, I have some kids who are fully participating and doing everything as they should–this lecture is not directed at any of them.
Most of the class looked very chagrined. I think maybe they heard me. I’m crossing my fingers for Monday. (They were really good in class today.)
I’m having a lot of trouble with hope right now. I had a bad day yesterday–ok, I had one bad period and it wasn’t that bad. But I feel like a failure. And I feel like I will never be successful at a relationship. Part of my problem is exhaustion and I know it. I finished my unit plan last night for Mans Search for Meaning. I will have something to show in my meeting this afternoon.
This weekend I need to catch up and even get ahead on my masters class. I am slipping further and further behind and that isn’t ok. I need to figure out what I want to do my main paper on. I have no freakin ideas. *sigh*
I need to start packing. Maybe I will get busy on that this weekend. I’m not terribly optimistic about it, but it could happen…
I feel lonely. I feel like I can be in the middle of a crowded room and still feel completely alone. Yesterday several of my students touched me to try and get my attention and I freaked out. I started chanting, “Don’t touch me.” I walked out of the classroom to calm down before I could handle them again.
I didn’t get pictures. By an hour into the day I wasn’t feeling very princess-y anymore. 🙁
I need to figure out how to challenge my students more. I feel like I am sucking.
Therapy went well I suppose. She is a very active, action oriented person and I appreciate that. She immidiately recognized some concrete ways that both of us will have to adapt if we are to stay together and made no bones about it. I’m scared though.
And I don’t mean that I am not smart. 🙂 Today is Princess day!!! So uhm… yeah… guess how into that I am. 🙂 *bounce* *giggle* I’ve been looking forward to this for two weeks. My kids know that I am dressing up, but… yeah. No one will expect a full ballgown with hoops and such. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY A day JUST FOR ME!!!!!!
*bounce*
(Think I will be able to talk my class into calling me Princess from now on? That would be so cool.)
I will try to post pictures later cause my hair is cool and my dress and…
I want to go to sleep right now. That’s all I want to do. I don’t want to write my lesson plans for tomorrow and Friday. I don’t want to go to this stupid class. (I really want to drop this class. I hate it and the teacher but if I do there is no way to graduate next semester.)
I felt all positive and accomplished yesterday. Today I can barely bring myself to do the basics. I am such a slacker that it isn’t funny. I’m not proud of myself right at this moment.
There is so much to get done I feel like I will never catch up, let alone get ahead. If I had two “good” (read: productive) days of lesson planning I could get a months worth of lesson planning done and not have to even think about it for a long time, but I can’t seem to manage that and I feel really bad about myself.
My goal for this weekend is to not leave my house and get shit done. *sigh* I hooooooope it works out. 🙁
Tomorrow Puppy and I have an appointment with a therapist. I’m scared.
Everyone who talks to me immidiately says, “What is going on?” My most common answer is, “I don’t know.” Thus: I haven’t been posting much.
Right now we have reached the conclusion that we don’t really want to break up but we are terrified that this relationship won’t work out long term. So we are taking a step back to “dating” (whatever the fuck that means). I am moving to San Jose and he is moving into his lab because he can’t really afford rent. The plan will be for him to spend weekends with me. The purpose of this insanity one might ask? Commuting is killing both of us and we are so tired at nights that we aren’t exactly getting any “quality” time during the week anyway. He spends enough time commuting instead of working that he goes into work at least one day during the weekend and I don’t see him anyway. This means that our evenings/weekends in the next few weeks are going to be spent packing. SUCK!
Yeah, he dumped me. He dumped me hard and I freaked out. I am still not exactly happy. What happened is that he dumped me and we spent last Saturday apart as I freaked out and cried on the shoulders of some friends. I called some other friends later and several of them asked me questions that actually made me think. When he got home from work I asked him if he really meant to break up with me or was he just kind of freaking out and it got said and he didn’t really mean it. His reply was that he is scared and he isn’t sure if he means it or not. So we are talking and talking and talking. What is he afraid of?
He is afraid: that I am unstable enough that I need a truckload of emotional support that he can’t give me (We are having ongoing conversations about the concept of ‘boundaries’ and how no one can/should ever be all of my support and it is ok for him to say that he needs more space than I am automatically giving him), that I will never get along with his family and his family is very important to him (while complaining about how I don’t get along with his siblings–the same siblings who IM me every day because they like me and want to talk to me), that we don’t have enough in common (we have more in common than anyone else I have dated and I think we pretty much always have fun–ok, I don’t shoot), that a couple of places where we clash will be insurmountable eventually (though he concedes that these have in fact become significantly less as we have adjusted to one another), that he needs a partner who handles crisis very well because he freezes (I want to tell him to go talk to Noah about the accident), that I have a martyr complex (I totally do, but I have been actively working on it for a while)… Those are the main things. Maybe I am over-rationalizing but I think these things are all part of growing pains and not deal breakers. I don’t know if I am just being idiotic and looking at the relationship through rose colored glasses or what.
He wants to know why I want to be with him at all. He seems to be terrified that I will decide that I deserve better and leave him. AHHH. He seems to be doing a premeditative dumping because that is better than me leaving him and I am not thrilled.
So we are following the advice of a friend. We are removing a lot of the external pressure from our lives in general (crappy commutes and not enough time spent on work stuff) and seeing if we really are interested enough in this relationship to make it work despite the inconvenience of living ~60 miles apart. We are also going to try and find a therapist. Any recommendations? Pretty much anywhere between Hayward and San Jose is good for me and I am going to make him drive further than me. HA! I am absolutely terrifed and we are talking about that. He and Rebecca are both right though. Removing pressure and working through issues will decide if this relationship has a future a whole lot better than me buring my head in the sand and destroying my back will. Commuting is killing me and my car. 🙁
My life is going to be changing a lot. I don’t even know how yet. I’m really really nervous and scared. If this works out then our relationship probably will go the distance. If this doesn’t then it probably wasn’t meant to at all. I’m scared to find out which it will be.
Apparently if I fall asleep with my computer on I get messages all night long. 🙂
Thanks for noticing me! 🙂
What is the point of having hope when he is behaving as if he is already gone? This HUUUUUURTS. I can’t have a totally one sided relationship again. I just can’t. But leaving somehow seems worse. I feel stupid and confused and so very desperate.
He responded to my message *and* my email. The he in question is Tom. I haven’t really sat down and had anything resembling a conversation with him since the Ireland trip in January. He said that we could remain friends… Maybe we are ready to start that part? We have been broken up for almost 14 months. How much is it still hurting?
It will be good to see him. I miss him fiercely.
I am on a ten minute break before my brain explodes. I have handed out two F’s and numerous D’s so far. A few C’s, a couple B’s and I don’t think I have an A yet. This is horrible. The F’s are because their papers are entirely plot summary–no analysis or opinion–and the plot summary is wrong, not to mention that they are nearly unreadable due to grammar and/or spelling screw ups. This is truly disturbing. Seniors. They are freakin seniors.
Tonight I have to catch up on all of the daily lesson plans for the past two weeks. I hate writing them down. I think it is retarded. *sigh* I also need to finish my journal and print out the stuff for my binders. I am going in hella early to get everything set up at the school. I will leave my house at 6am. It sucks to be me some days. I must say though… the grading is going better with the rum and pineapple soda. *evil grin* I may not finish them all tonight. I will have hours at school tomorrow. I will leave myself maybe three essays from *good* students to read tomorrow. I will torture myself with the other six crappy ones tonight.
I want to eat, but I am not hungry. I hate this feeling.
I haven’t been delivering on the promised school babble. I am exhausted and stressed and enjoying the hell out of my job. I am very confident that this is the right job for me. My kids rock my socks off and planning is… uhm… ok I guess. I am being observed tomorrow and the advisor is going to be unhappy because they are doing presentations. HA! Witch.. Tonight I have messsssssssssssloads of work to get done. I better get to it…
I took a whole bunch of people off of my friends list. This isn’t about you, you, you, or you. This is about me needing to be more private.
The train to fantasy land that is. The last few days have been a roller coaster ride that I really want to get off. I am mixing my metaphors! Can I just leave the amusement park instead? Ok. To get into reality…
I don’t know what is happening. We are talking and talking and trying to figure out what is good and what is bad about our relationship, whether it is actually a good fit for us. In the past few days we both wrote our concerns about the relationship and the pieces that make us happy. This morning we talked for a few hours about the whole situation.
We aren’t broken up and I am not moving. Does that mean that we will actually end up together? I don’t know. It is really hard to know what the “best” decision is. I love him. He loves me. There are things that we have in common and there are things that are difficult, but that is always true. I am not willing to walk away from what we have.
In the first rush of thinking it was over I talked to a lot of people about it. I heard some interesting things that people had not been willing to tell me up to then about their opinions about the relationship. I sat there and agreed because I was so angry and some of them are still true.
I have compromised for this relationship in ways that would be complete dealbreakers for many of my friends. I stopped being poly, I am not playing with other people, and I don’t spend much time at sex parties anymore. I don’t actually think I miss any of these things though. I am not sad about not having sex or playing with anyone else. Puppy stressed repeatedly that if I wanted to play with anyone at Folsom I just had to let him know–I even had people ask. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t even super thrilled with playing in public. We did so briefly on Friday night and I skipped the experience on Saturday because I felt very icki about it.
The past five years or so have been remarkable for me. I have been through so many changes. It is interesting now to look back at the “growing up” process and I wonder what is going to happen in the next five years. Hopefully the rate of change slows down some cause this has been dizzy making. I’ve been aware for a while that there are things that I want that necessitate giving up things that have been big parts of my life. I think I am at a place where those choices need to start happening.
I have had a number of people ask me out in the past week. People that have been in my life and people who are somewhat new to me and I find it remarkable that they all popped out of the woodwork just now. It gave me the ability to take note of the fact that I am incredibly unlikely to be lonely, even if things don’t work out with Puppy. I don’t care. I want him and I want only him. I’m scared and nervous and struggling to find my path. I hope things get easier sometime soon.
Once again: thanks Chris. Your words are in my brain and I am working on processing them.
It is 7am and my thought is: why isn’t today over yet? I have to teach a rather intensive lesson on grammar with my juniors. (They are going to be thrilled to learn about verb types.) At least the seniors are no effort today. (Thank god for movie days.)
I have trouble going more than a few minutes without crying. Puppy said last night that I know this has to end because he and I both want to get married and have kids and it wouldn’t work for us to do together. Not long after that he initiated sex and through the whole event I was sitting there thinking, “You are already looking forward to doing this with someone else.”
I have my ticket to fantasy land. Let’s see if I can actually get on the train.
I made him cry at dinner. I told him very quietly, after he thanked me for bringing him to the restaurant, “I told you that I wanted to bring you to places like this. Now I have to hurry or I won’t get the chance to.” Tears appeared and he had trouble holding it together. This is so hard. On one hand I want to find a way to make him see that I really am worth the effort, but on the other hand I want to just walk away because if he doesn’t want me I deserve more.
This fucking hurts.
The next book I am teaching is called Man’s Search for Meaning and it is a philosophy book speculating on what is the purpose of life and such. The person who wrote it was a psychiatrist who practiced before and after surviving Auschwitz. The first question he asks his depressive patients is: why don’t you commit suicide? After spending quite a while talking about this book with my master teacher on Friday this question has been in the back of my mind all weekend. I can’t come up with a good answer though. (This does not mean I am suicidal.) But… why don’t I? I don’t know. I just don’t. Because people have told me not to? It’s not even that people that I love, who love me, have told me not to. Just people. I do as I am told. It doesn’t matter who tells me. I kind of shared this thought process with Puppy because it came up and now he is freaked out and worried. He has spent a bunch of time telling me how upset he would be if I did. Uhm… so what? I won’t be affected by that so why should I let that upset direct whether or not I do something? He really didn’t like that response. heh
Disclaimer: No. I am not contemplating suicide. I am, however, not seeing much of a point to me or to my life. There is a vast gulf between that and killing myself so I better not start getting fucking phone calls trying to talk me down. If I suspect that is the motivation for a phone call I will hang up on you.