I know that there are some weird questions out there for me. I just wonder if people will actually ask them

Ask a question anonymously you wouldn’t necessarily ask in person, or wouldn’t want others to know you’re asking. I’ll answer it in another entry, and you’ll have your answer without having to admit you wanted to know it.

Remember to post anonymously! I’ve allowed anonymous posting and turned off IP address tracking for the time being. I’ve screened the comments.

Not a dirty one.

I will be starting a Spanish class at the end of the summer and it will last all fall. My goal is to take the language exam during the spring semester and never have to take the final fourth semester of college level Spanish. The only way I can do this is if I get a messload of practice speaking Spanish and my fluency increases at a pretty drastic rate. I have many friends who are/have been fluent and I am hoping that I can specifically schedule multiple times per week in which I need to speak Spanish in order to increase my vocabulary and confidence in speaking. In the past I have gotten to the point where within my somewhat limited vocabulary I could speak fairly rapidly and easily but I am nowhere near that at this point. I would strongly prefer getting out of taking the second class due to time and money constraints.

Help?

girl shit

and the editor of the local pervy newsletter asked me to contribute a few articles. I understand that they are basically always desperate for content. I tried to refine some of the stuff I have been thinking about lately. I haven’t edited this yet.

What does it mean to be "in the scene?"

I got to go to a munch yesterday and see cool people and meet new cool people. I got to go to a party last night and see many of my wonderful friends. I got beaten last night and have the marks to prove it. I had wonderful, yummy sex last night after being beaten. I got to be very admired in my corset last night.

Haaaaaaaaappy girl.

And I might as well share what I wrote here.
What I get from playing.

Puppy is amazed that within one day of me deciding that I want to see people I have:

Thursday with my niece and in the evening a movie with Puppy and his friends.
Friday we are going to FNW.
Saturday I am going to the munch and a pervy party that used to be my every second Saturday commitment for years.
Sunday potentially coffee in the morning with a girl that I need to get to know then a BBQ with AWESOME people that I like loads and loads.
Monday I am going to spend the day with Lizzie! *squeal* And then I am going to the Plough.
Tuesday I will be with my niece during the day and with Sarah at night.
Wednesday will be packing and flying to DC.

Yeah. I really don’t need to sit at home bored. I have too many good people in my life to be that silly.

So I had my nice long brood. >24 hours of brooding. I cried. I talked to people about what I was upset about. I was asked questions in very polite ways I was given advice I hadn’t asked for… I smiled and nodded and ignored all advice.

By the time Puppy got home I had cycled through all the nasty crap in my head enough times that it all came down to one point. Love isn’t easy. I think that people choose to remain in love. You can get all pissy and out of whack and choose to not stay in a relationship or you can choose to deal with some shit. I’m not real big on running away from something just cause it is hard.

So he came home and I was back to my normal cheery peppy self. He asked me if I could tell him what had been going on and I told him bits and pieces of it–the pieces that pertained to him. We talked about the disconnect that happens when he says something flippantly and I take it in and follow it down 50 different paths in my head, most of which say/mean very bad things about me that had little or nothing to do with what he said. He told me, “As soon as the words left my mouth I could hear the neurons in your brain firing and I would have given anything to take those words back.” I’m ok now with knowing he didn’t mean what I heard let alone all the implications I created.

We didn’t really talk about the other piece of what has been upsetting me until we went to bed. Then he yelled at me and more or less laid down the law. I think that problem is resolved. *cough* (I haven’t felt great about how significantly our sex life has decreased and he told me that part of the problem is that I am choosing to not put my diaphragm in and then I come to bed and curl up and go to sleep because I am assuming he isn’t interested. He told me that I will start putting my diaphragm in every night again. He isn’t going to put up with me being pissy about this anymore because, damnit he isn’t sick anymore.

Puppy doesn’t suck.

In the efforts to not replay a tired, old, horrible tape that was recorded during my relationship with Tom…

I am working on plans for Sunday but Saturday during the day is still free and if someone makes me a good offer my Saturday night isn’t firmly booked yet.

I am going to the Plough on Monday. Damnit. And cause I told you all you will mock me and tease me if I don’t and I hate that so I have incentive to go.

Tuesday! My last night before running off to the scariness that is DC and meeting Puppy’s whole damn clan. I would really like to spend time with friends. Is anyone available?

I have been missing people a lot lately. I got to spend part of Monday with friends and last night I spent a couple of hours in bed cuddling with a hawt girl and these two events reminded me that really I am not a boring recluse and I don’t in fact suck and people do in fact like me. May I have more proof please? 🙂 I will even try not to whine. It will be a stretch…. but I’m sure I can manage at least a few minutes of not being annoying. I’m game for most anything that doesn’t take much money. 🙂

You can always tell what I am upset. You know when I am not telling you the full story. Yup. Always.

Apparently except this morning when you haven’t a clue.

But not for me. My sister has asked me to play match maker and I told her I would see what I could do.

She would like a date for a 17 year old friend. He is gay and would happily go with a bi or gay boy. See, he would really like to go to the gay prom and has not been having good luck in finding anyone to escort. She says he is cute and a very nice boy. Unfortunately, I can’t really vouch for him myself. The dance will be in the San Jose area and someone in that area or with transportation is a significant plus. I would love to be able to find this boy a date. Does anyone know anyone?

Ok. I’ve been on the identity bandwagon for a while now, at least the idea of examining my identity. There is a big chunk of it that I haven’t been ready to think about, but… in the last few days it has been swimming in my brain more than usual.

BDSM. Yeah. For those who are in the scene, they understand that it can play a big part of your identity; for those who are not in the scene they may not understand the big deal.

But what is the big deal? I have spent very little time in and around the scene in the past year and a half. Ok, so I had that brief time when I was showing up more because Malcolm taunted me with the idea that he might be interested, but other than that I haven’t really been around. I stopped going when I stopped having a steady play partner. I realize that this is both logical and illogical. I was hurting and I wanted to step away from the part of my life that I associated with him, but how was I going to find more play partners if I didn’t hunt in the scene? So I avoided stuff for a while. I have been trying to sort out my feelings and what is actually important to me.

I still don’t know, but I have this lovely play partner now. But… our play is kind of odd to me. For one thing, he doesn’t play unless there is sex involved. It may be an odd thing for non-scene people to think about, but I really don’t associate sex and play that strongly. I can probably count on my fingers and toes how many times over the years that Tom and I played and had sex in the same space of time. It just didn’t happen much. But Puppy doesn’t play without fucking me while I am still tied up or as soon as he takes me down from beating me.

I’m also having a lot of trouble with the “training my top” thing. I feel like this pathetic wuss because I can’t just take what he wants to dish out. The fact is, I haven’t played with heavy pain much. I have really gotten off on it most of the times I have, but that wasn’t how Tom played. I am also not terribly into casual play so I haven’t actually played with that many people over the years. I really hate feeling like I am complaining about how Puppy plays with me. I just can’t take a heavy beating with no warm up though. Ok, so anyone “can” take it if they truly have no choice, but it won’t be fun and I won’t process it and it will be all around miserable for me. I really hate feeling demanding about it though. (In his defense he has Seriously Improved in the warm up department already. But we haven’t tried any sort of heavy scene in like two months.)

And I’m still not really involved in the scene again. Puppy doesn’t care that much about having a friends group that is perverted, he has a few friends but he doesn’t see them much and they aren’t the people he focuses his time or energy on, and I feel weird about going to scene events alone. I picked a group of dancers yesterday over pervs and I’m really happy with the decision. There is only so much time and it is hard to develop friendships with a super huge number of people. I will be working with the dancers pretty intensely later this year for two months and I don’t want to feel as lonely as I did last year. It seems more prudent to spend time now developing those relationships.

So I’m in this weird limbo feeling. I no longer feel like I really should identify as a pervert, and yet it is still such a big part of who I am. I feel like if I am no longer involved in the perv community I should ditch the label. In some ways it would make my life easier if I didn’t identify as a pervert. If I am only playing in my bedroom and I spend almost no time with other perverts it significantly lowers my risk of being outed. And yet… I don’t feel like I want to give it up. I don’t miss the exhibitionistic part of playing publicly, I miss the feeling of acceptance for me in all my freak glory. I feel like I am conforming to the popular idea of who and what I should be, and I don’t like it.

Not to mention that I have all these fetish clothes that are going to waste. Dude. Why did I invest so much money for nothing?! If another year goes by and I don’t touch anything I’m going to ebay it. 🙁

blacksheep_lj and japlady are both WRONG.

I just had to say it.

Ok, maybe they aren’t wrong per se… but they are not 100% correct on this one.

I went out today. I went to a friend’s party. It was the best thing I could have done. I got to talk to people and I was told that people missed me and I got back rubs and head pets and attention and affection.

I really needed that. Thank you sooooooooooooooo much to the people who were there and were so wonderful. I spent the morning crying and came home smiling and happy. I really appreciate my friends.

And Puppy is really happy that I’m not crying anymore.

There are a few poly people in this filter, but none of the people that proselytize and due to how many people have been making catty comments there is even a distinct lack of people who are involved with the proselytizers. AKA: please don’t discuss this filter with people unless you see them make a comment. Most of my ‘regular’ people aren’t on it.

Mono is sucking ass through a straw. After a good 8 1/2 hours of sleep (which is normally more than I can really pull off) I wake up feeling exhausted to the tips of my fingers. My whole body hurts with exhaustion. And Puppy is fine and off doing stuff so I feel even more pathetic because he is better and I am not. But that is only part of it.

Puppy is busy. That’s a fact of life. So that means I am once again back to doing things by myself. I think that was one of the only things I really got out of poly is that I really hate being alone and it is a fact of life in monogamy. He can’t be with me all the time and yeah yeah yeah it wouldn’t be healthy anyway. In the last month I have been to a couple of S&P’s and one birthday party for a friend and I went to one discussion group meeting. Ali came over in the midst of me wanting to die and I saw Mo for about 4 hours the other night. If anyone wants to think back to the schedule I have been keeping for the last year and some…. Yeah. I’m not doing much of anything. I’m at home, mostly alone. Mostly because I don’t want to go to events by myself. 🙁 There is a whole lot less point in going to events when you are not allowed to do much flirting when you are there. How do some of you handle this? Ali goes to stuff by herself, so does Erik. I feel shitty when I even think about it. Today I have two big options: a pool party in Santa Clara with pervy friends or a bbq/with pool up in Davis with dancers. The fact is, I will probably stay home and cry. Driving is a pretty significant effort right now. I feel pathetic for thinking that, let alone saying it, let alone having it be true. I don’t know most of the dancers that well and I know I will have a hard time keeping it together and not crying today. I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know well. I would like to know them better, but… yeah. It has felt like it isn’t that big of a deal to any of them to get to know me. With the exception of the ones who wanted to fuck me, not a single one of them have ever made any effort to come see me and I have gone up to Davis to see people. That hurts after a very short period of time. With the perv party, Tom will be there with his new girl. And I will be alone.

I feel like a not very nice person. I should be more understanding of the various conflicts that Puppy has in his life. We were moving, he was sick, he has to work. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what the reasons are–I feel like shit. It comes down to me being alone again and I had enough of that with Tom to last a lifetime. The answer isn’t fucking poly. I don’t want poly. I just don’t know what to do. Regina, please don’t tell me I am being selfish again.

I feel so lost.

I felt like putting my hair up. So I did. There are four braids wrapped around and around coronet style. I even added decorations. It looks pretty good, even though it isn’t as perfectly even as I would like. No, I’m not a perfectionist! Damnit!

I even felt like putting makeup on. And I have on the really pretty earrings that Noah gave me. So I feel all spiffy and pretty… and nowhere to go. I ruled out the beach after I slept through most of the afternoon. I am still sooooooo tired.

Puppy is working and will be basically all night. la di da di da I looked at Peers, but it doesn’t sound interesting and I doubt I would be able to dance much anyway. There is a lovely play/sex party… but yeah… I don’t see a point in going to that alone. 🙂 I dinno what I shall do. la di da di da… more reading and intermittent cleaning I suppose.

I have had several thoughts bubbling around in my brain for the last few days and I was of course composing lj entries in my head, but where are they now? Who knows.

One thing I need to bring up is how very happy I am. I tend to not write as much when I am happy. I have talked to a few friends lately who ask me how I am doing and I enthusiastically screech, “GREAT!” and then I backtrack and tell them about the mono and the class from hell and they ask me what is so great. I am in love with the most fabulous boy I can imagine and he is uberaware of my Princessness and he treats me as such. I am very content with my life. We have had conversations about the marriage and kids thing and I laid my timeline on the table and told him what I want and he didn’t even hesitate. An emphatic yes and agreement that he wants the same things and the timeline looks spiffy. How very odd, yet delightful. (My timeline includes giving us time to be together for a few years before we do anything more permanent–I am nothing if not cynical.)

My house is a mess, but oh freakin well. I will either clean it this weekend or go down to the beach. I haven’t decided yet. 🙂

The class from hell is over, but I learned some very important things and ultimately I am glad I took the class. (Mainstreaming the disabled child.) I learned the difference between full inclusion and mainstreaming (full inclusion is putting kids who are not mentally capable of doing the work in a regular classroom for socialization and mainstreaming is putting kids who have serious physical disabilities in a regular classroom and giving them modifications to allow them to do the work on their own: i.e. an interpretor for a deaf child, or a special seating arrangement for a child in a wheelchair, etc) and I went through a simulation that allowed me to feel a very small, minute, insignificant amount of frustration that is similar to a child with disabilities. I was so frustrated I almost started crying, and that was after one hour of struggling. I think I will be far more kind to my students in the future. I’m always grateful when I see concretely the ways in which I have my head up my ass.

I said I was tired of people lecturing me and I wanted people to only speak for themselves if I hurt their feelings. JesusFuckingChristOnAPogoStick did I get it in spades this week. Oy. I carpooled with a chick and she is needy and insecure and whiny and every day at lunch we had a long chat about the ways in which I was hurting her feelings by things I had said. But yet she continued following me around like a fucking puppy. I don’t understand sometimes. We always talked about it and I explained to her why I said the things I said and we discussed her extreme oversensitivity (her words not mine) and how she can stop assuming that people are constantly trying to put her down and hurt her. She wanted to know how poly works and she wanted to know about libertarianism and… I feel like she is much younger than me despite the fact that she is about 13 years older. There wasn’t a single thing that she could tell me about and I was teaching her things constantly. It was pretty weird at times and I have trouble with that sort of dynamic when the person is much older than me. But holy shit did I get practice with dealing with hurting someone’s feelings and having to work on rewording things so that my message didn’t get lost in the delivery. I suppose that is good. She invited herself to my housewarming. *sigh* I’m actually somewhat proud of myself because she told me that she cheated on her husband and I didn’t respond with my kneejerk scumbag response and I actually talked to her about why and what she wants to do now and stuff. I’m glad that I am growing up enough to not just get pissy with people immidiately about the topic.

Growing up. Yeah, that is one of those things I’ve been thinking about lately. I don’t feel terribly grown up–in fact I feel like I am in some strange regression. I feel incredibly vulnerable and attention needy and I’m not sure how to handle it. This week I was being social with friends and when I started feeling particularly attention needy I walked over to two friends and climbed in their laps and all but said, “Pay attention to me now!!!!” I felt kind of like a lame ass, but they both seemed perfectly happy to stroke my head and talk to me. I appreciated it more than I can express. I am so glad that I have such wonderful friends. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I have a lovely friend who has been defendin my monogamous relationship lately. I find it funnier than hell that I have a defender and even funnier that I need one. I am somewhat bewildered by how many people are talking behind my back about how they believe I am compromising and I won’t really be happy in a monogamous relationship. Frankly, I think that is people showing that they haven’t really known me long. Everyone who has been in my life for many years (and I am talking about firmly entrenched poly people who are very adamant about their lifestyle) think that monogamy is where I am happiest. But everyone has their bias.

I am actually starting to look forward to meeting Puppy’s parents. I hav been talking with his parents on the phone and it is going very well. Apparently I have already won his mother over more than his ex wife ever did. Apparently she is a whole lot like me and appreciates strong, blunt women. This just makes me think, “Oedipus.” *cringe* His father is a whole lot like him and we have hilarious conversations. I am no longer terrified and I appreciate the lack of stress. 🙂

Physically I am feeling better. I am still tired all the time though. I am even managing to nap. Go me! My body is hurting less. I am feeling somewhat pent up and bored, and that is hard to deal with but I am trying to be patient with myself. My friend Mo came over last night and that was awesome. I haven’t seen her in a while and talking with her was wonderful. I really love and respect her and I am reminded of that afresh every so often. Good stuff.

I should stop babbling. But that is kind of the state of the me. 🙂