My kids have actually adapted to being quieter more than I expected they would be able to. They need occasional gentle reminders but they are so much quieter than they were in California that it kind of feels like they had personality transplants.

They are both talking about how much they miss about Japan already. With a bigger kitchen we would have been very happy there for a lot longer. Good to know.

We are all excited about cooking again. Even with no salt everyone was very happy about our breakfast eggs. The beans were fabulous–less sweet than in the US but super tomato-y and lovely.

Also, scones for the win.

Both kids are being incredibly helpful and wonderful. They feel a renewed sense of purpose for maintaining a house. Japan was too much. This feels like the right amount of work. They asked if we could draw up a chore chart and figure out how to rotate the chores between us because that’s fun.

They both absolutely squeed with glee at getting to download more library books and they have both reread the kids books we sent to Scotland already. They are visiting old friends.

I now understand why Japanese nappies have such a great reputation. Scottish nappies… oh these blow chunks. (Which isn’t entirely positive, but it shows me how good I had it there.)

It was fun waking up to a boy in my bed because he wanted to be close to us.

My big kids have already done many hours of playing together after tidying their stuff. They are enjoying each other a lot.

Eldest Child heard from an old friend on Scratch (a website that teaches how to program and build video games). She had been talking about how much she misses him and she was super happy to hear from him. I told her she should write him a letter and her eyes lit up. She has known this boy since she was three. I told her she really doesn’t have to lose him just because we moved and she’s feeling thrilled. He clearly wants to keep in touch with her.

Both kids are feeling fairly connected to their friends even with the distance. That’s beautiful to see.

Her Sweetness painted her entire face and head with her breakfast beans while cackling madly. It was glorious.

I keep hearing from Dad’s girlfriend. I am feeling a lot of hope about the visit to Portland. I have touched base with several friends there already and we have all expressed desire to get together 1-3 times in the span I am there. If I am not setting aside 90% of my kid-free time for Sarah I get to actually see my other friends.

People do love me, even if I don’t always love myself. I continue to read the CPTSD book. I can only handle a few pages at a time because it is incredibly distressing and activating while also making me feel better about myself. I’m weird. But I was going to be weird. It’s interesting how this book is confirming something I have wondered for a while: the neglect/lack of love was probably far more damaging long-term than the sexual abuse or being hit. When your mother hates you from birth and teaches you that your existence is an unwanted burden… that’s hard to shake off. It’s not appropriate for later relationships to be unconditional and people who are neglected really hard in their first few years spend their whole life desperately wanting people to love them unconditionally and that fails because it’s not how adult relationships work.

My friends have to tell me no. My friends have to say “I can’t do that for you.” My friends have to say “If you do x I can’t be around you.” That is not an attack or a withdrawal of friendship that is appropriate boundary setting. But in my brain it doesn’t always read that way and I need to learn how to love myself enough to make up for those boundaries feeling like a statement that I do not deserve love and I should die.

That’s not what people are trying to say. But my brain was programmed to read things that way.

It’s inspiring reading a book by someone much older than me who says “Yeah this is shit work that we will never be finished with. It’s ok. You are worth doing all this work for.” I have to think I am worth putting in the effort to reprogram my brain. I have to try to interpret my friends behavior as healthy boundary setting because they are awesome autonomous people with their own lives.

That’s my work.

It is going to take me a while though.

Half an hour till the grocery store opens. Woo. Tomorrow I will figure out delivery. Today I just need to get food. Setting up internet accounts is hard when I’m this tired, I don’t have patience to spare. It is all going to my children. I’m doing well with that though. I’m talking about *why* we have to learn skills for our benefit and their future. I’m trying very hard to frame things as “We do this so we will be healthy/have strength/feel good” instead of “Stop doing x because you suck.” (I don’t tell my kids they suck.) I do sometimes tell them that I don’t have more patience to absorb inconvenience and still be nice. That’s true. Ok, baby requires entertainment now.

I don’t think we’ve had bad food here. I mean, even the spicy ramen that burned my asshole for three days tasted fantastic. Last night we went to the cat restaurant. We call it that because there is a picture of a cat on the door. What is the actual name of the restaurant? Fuck if I know, it’s only written in Japanese. But they actually have a resident cat who came out to greet us so I will lodge it in memory as the cat restaurant. The beef was dreamy. But let me back up.

It started with a fantastic soup that had a bunch of root vegetables, some beef, and some fish. Luckily Noah ate the soup the fastest so he found the fish and volunteered to take it from my bowl. Such a good husband. Then Noah and I got lovely large salads that were super delicious. Very well dressed and everything. Then came rice and miso soup. The kids also got the intro soup. Then the kids got plates of chicken. We found the word chicken on the menu with the app and the word beef and pointed at two random things. We had no real idea what we ordered.

The kids got a salt and pepper chicken and a basil chicken with a nice salad on the side, no rice. Noah and I got sizzling beef platter piled upon a bed of sprouts and cabbage with chunks of well cooked potatoes and carrots.

We shared this glorious bounty with no particular respect to who got what. It was great. I loved the food. That was some of the most glorious beef I’ve ever eaten in my entire life. It was also one of the most expensive meals we’ve had in this country, clocking in at $90. Worth every penny. But I can understand why the restaurant was empty when there are other restaurants right near by where we can feed our family to being stuffed on a mere $25.

Yesterday Noah had his first day of his conference. We woke up fairly early (we are waking up at about 5) and I nursed the baby so that she would go back to sleep for a while. I primped Noah. For Christmas he got a bunch of beard care fancy schtuff and I used most of it on him and I hand trimmed his beard because there is not a single plug in this apartment near a mirror. I also rubbed a bunch of lotion into him so that he smelled nice. Mmm pineapple. I applied deodorant because I am a nice person and he had a 45 minute walk ahead of him on his way to the conference. I have met my smelly mammal.

The kids and I had a pretty chill day. I went to the grocery store as usual. Her Sweetness is now demanding that we hold her hands and walk her around for large stretches of the day. Luckily the big kids like to help so we were tapping in and out of that job. We did that while watching a show together. It was fun.

The kids are doing writing stuff for academics and occasional loosey goosey math. We are finishing up notebooks so we have less to carry. I love that Eldest Child is mostly writing fanfic about Warriors (It’s about cat clans) and Middle Child is writing opinion pieces on where he thinks Girl Genius is going. He thinks Zeetha will win over Bangladesh Dupree and he had a lot of specific reasons in his essay. That was really fun to read.

He also drew a comic illustrating his most recent argument with his sister. I found it pretty funny.

I spent a bunch of time sitting with myself and trying to process how much I am over reacting vs how much I am having necessary feelings about different situations in my life. I am feeling a lot better about myself reading this CPTSD book. He stresses that the goal isn’t to feel joy all of the tme because that is unrealistic, unattainable, and a really stressful thing to put on yourself. The goal is to stop beating yourself up for existing and having a range of feelings.

He also talks a lot about regressing (he calls it emotional flashbacks) to emotional states from childhood as being something that can go on for months or years. That dovetails into what I am observing about myself during the early parts of my children’s lives. He talks about how doing the things you need to do the most will often trigger overwhelming shame and anxiety because you were trained as a child that you should not take care of yourself.

It’s like Sarah telling me that I can’t talk about the ways I felt bad about our relationship because I was publicly shaming her. That’s exactly like my mom telling me that I can’t talk about the shit in our family because it is airing dirty laundry.

Sunshine is the best disinfectant.

I don’t think Sarah is a bad person. I don’t think she intended to hurt me. She was protecting herself. We all need to do that, right?

But it’s kind of like how I need to stop treating other people like they are more important than me. They aren’t. I don’t need to keep showing up to help people who will drive past me to help someone else. I don’t need to keep hosting events so that other people can have a sense of community but people won’t show up to hang out with me one on one because really… they are just at my events so they can have the other people in the group.

I can’t do that any more.

I can’t keep contributing to the home schooling groups that are absolutely rigidly controlled by the leader, but everyone is welcome to work for her benefit as much as they want.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I’m not anti-work. I’m against people expecting me to always give for the joy of giving while not getting anything back because I am supposed to not need support. I’m a fucked up person with a lot of problems of my own. Most of my support comes from people I pay… but I’m expected to help other people for free.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m not a “Fuck you, pay me” person. But I wanted exchanges not being bled dry.

My shrink asked me to think about what I want to get from people in Portland and I have not been able to respond to her because thinking about that makes me want to throw up. I am not allowed to want anything. If I want something it won’t happen and I will be disappointed and then I will be a bad person because I will act disappointed. My expectations get me in trouble all over the place. I want to leave Portland with my friendships intact and not feeling bad about myself.

And I can’t write anymore because my kids won’t leave the room. ok.

Noah is walking to the store. I have a sleeping baby on my lap. Big kids are in their apartment folding their clean laundry.

It’s been a tiring day. We walked a bit over 5 miles today. We went to thrift stores but no one wanted some of the stuff I wanted to donate. Shit. I was able to get rid of clothing at H&M. That did help but some of this stuff is going to end up in the garbage and that makes me sad.

I’m getting a lot out of this book (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA). A few friends have commented that they felt I was regressing since Her Sweetness was born. I think that is true. I think I have done so with each of my kids. I think that my early life (like the first 2 years) was probably a lot more traumatic than I even understand. I think that’s part of why I am such a basket case when I have tiny children. I feel like their needs matter and mine don’t and I drive myself to utter exhaustion and depletion trying to be there for them around the clock with inadequate support. 

I definitely perceive some of the lack of support as being my fault. Noah and I have shoved our parents away and that’s who helps most people.

I’ve been thinking about something in context of the online therapy and reading this book: why does being alone feel like such punishment? Well, I suspect that is related to a lot of my foster homes. A lot of the places where I was sent to live would tell me that I had to stay alone in a room for all of the hours I was in the house because I was bad. So being alone makes me feel like I am still in that place. Like I don’t deserve to be around people. Because I am bad and bad and bad.

The online shrink asked how I handle tasks like going to get massage or brushing my teeth as self-care. Can I handle them? Well, I have had to mostly learn to perceive these activities as saving Noah money in the long run. I feel a lot of shame over how much money he has already spent fixing my shitty body. (God my mouth is expensive.) I don’t want to cost him any more than I absolutely have to and that means I have to do maintenance work. I can’t be penny wise and pound foolish on him. That’s not fair. I have to do this stuff or I am going to be way more expensive in the future. I’m disabled and it is getting worse. It will get a lot worse in the future if I don’t do everything I can to fight against the flow now.

But if I don’t have time alone I go crazy and get really fucking mean. So this balance of not wanting to be alone is a problem.

It’s useful to be reminded that I am basically in a large scale flash back and that’s why I am not coping as well as I was before I got pregnant again. It’s neat having Eldest Child remember that I was a lot more calm and patient and good at dealing with problems before I got pregnant. She said it was like a switch flipped.

Oh baby. And it was easier this time.

It’s nice that I can at least see that for myself. This time was easier and it was still hard. It was easier mostly because of the big kids and that feels complicated. I’ve tried hard not to lean on them too much, but I definitely have times when I say things like “Hold your baby I have to grab x”. (Like I did today when I was carrying stuff up and down stairs.)

I don’t feel possessive of her. We all wanted her to be made. She is our baby. Which is neat and complicated. I don’t feel like the kids are sub-parents. But we take the family pod thing pretty seriously. We belong to each other. They are only mine in as much as I am theirs. My kids talk pretty regularly about how lucky they feel to have each other as friends. “I’m so glad I like you so much.” We have periods where they struggle with each other, of course, but overall the balance for us is so heavily weighed towards finding solutions and nobody being More Important that I feel really happy.

I wanted this with my “chosen family” and that didn’t work out.

I am struggling with trying to view the chosen family stuff not working out the same way that I view my previous romantic relationships not working out. It’s not that I failed at those relationships: they ran their course and I learned a lot and they were good. I wouldn’t have been able to have as healthy of a relationship with Noah if I had not had those experiences and I am glad I am this level of healthy for him. I would not be able to be as good for/with my kids as I am if not for the relationships I had with my chosen family people.

We are reading a book called Philosophy for Kids and it presents a bunch of philosophical arguments and then prompts discussion. There was a question about what makes a friend. It was an Aristotelian sort of lens. It was interesting to me how my definition of friendship culls a lot of people and yet… it doesn’t? I maintain a lot of relationships because people are important to me. I can be in my blog screaming “Fuck you” because I have big feelings and then write you a long letter about what I appreciate about you. Because both feelings are true and present.

The fuck yous are mostly about me trying to come to grips with my expectations for you being out of whack with reality.

My expectations really fuck me over.

They ruin friendships. They ruin situations that should be good for me. Because I have this picture in my head of what I want things to be like and other people… don’t share those pictures.

It’s part of why I ask my kids so many questions about what they want from me and what they want in relationships. I can’t guess. I will fuck it up. I can’t try to force our relationship to be what I want… I will fuck it up. I hurt Noah so much with my bullshit expectations.

I can’t figure it out and manage to get it right with every friend I have. But I need to get it right with these four people. My friendships will have to morph or die and that has to be ok and healthy and appropriate.

Today I read something about how when you have CPTSD sometimes the most correct actions in a given moment make you feel ashamed and terrified because those behaviors were not acceptable during your childhood.

I feel like Sarah and I traumatized each other. We were neither of us the most healthy of people with the best boundaries and we used our individual neediness as a weapon against the other. That completely sucks because we really do love each other. Sometimes love is not enough. If I don’t feel like breaking up with my Owner was a failure because we needed different things from a partnership, why do I feel like a failure because my relationship with Sarah ended? Why do I use that feeling of failure as a bludgeon on myself to “prove” that I am pathetic and bad at relationships and incapable of being a good friend?

Fucking brains, yo.

I mean, I keep talking about how I will only focus on my family. But I’m running to Jenny. When I leave Jenny I go to see a whole bunch of people I love very much in the PNW. I have folks I will be seeing in Portland and Seattle and Eugene. Because they are important. Because when I have that physical distance most of the time it is easier for me to feel grateful about 3 hours of talking every few years being enough. I don’t have bigger expectations of people when we don’t live near each other on the regular.

Ok, that’s a lie too. It hurts that Dad only invites me to leather events when I bloody well don’t have childcare and that’s just not an option for me. He doesn’t invite me into his family where my children would be appropriate.

But I cope with that by putting him in a little box and not ever asking for anything from him. I get what I get and I shouldn’t be upset.

Fuck should.

But I love him. I want what I get so I am not allowed to complain about not getting more. I fucked things up with Sarah wanting more and I don’t want to do that with everyone. So I will smile and hug him and enjoy the moments I get to have and that’ll be that.

Life is so complicated. I have so much good going for me. I really don’t get to feel like my life is unfairly bad at this stage. But I’m a selfish twat waffle and I want ALL THE GOOD. Geez woman. There isn’t enough time in the day for all the good. You get a lot.

Really, I do get a lot.

Life doesn’t always bring this much good to a person.

Show some damn gratitude.

Breathe deep. Things will be ok.

We will find a forever home. We have friends and we will make more. We do that. Now I have a family. If I can make a family this awesome…. I can do anything.

I am enjoying the book on CPTSD I’m reading. It’s very useful framing for a lot of what is going on in my brain. I will always struggle with this shit. Every time I struggle I will feel like I have made no progress at all and I am a failure.

This is part of the norm for people like me.

I feel like night weaning is going well-ish again. She is still waking up a ton but I am far more patient with it when I’m not in pain. Her ever increasing number of teeth are brutal.

We had an accident today on the rug. A marker broke. I was hungry and I worried about exploding so I went and ate something before I talked to a kid about it. Mistakes happen. We all break things. We all have times when we mess up. I am creating my children’s inside voice when I react to things like this. I said, “Hey! Know how you have a whole bunch of short term savings in case you need to fix a mistake? You have literally prepared for this happening. Because life is hard and things happen. It’s ok. It’s just a thing. Nobody died.”

*pat self on back*

I feel like I was a complete basket case for the first 18 months of having the two big kids. As much as I am still struggling (fucking nightmares) things are better than they were at the same age with the big kids. Her Sweetness is only 14 months old and I can eat something and respond calmly to an issue. I don’t think I was capable of that 8 years ago.

As much as I feel like I will never be anything other than a monster… I am improving with age. I just have to be willing to look at things in perspective. I am still not who I want to be.

I think often of what Jenny put in my birthday book. I look at myself and see how far I still want to get. She looks at me and sees how far I have come.

I get to see Jenny in a week. I’m so excited.

I am working hard on trying to get my emotions under control. I need to absorb the tranquility of Japan even with the frustrations of the limitations of this space. I have to. I want to make a good impression on Jenny’s kids. If I fuck up the first impression this time… I won’t be able to get that back. The older girl will remember me this time. I don’t want to be “that bitch” in her memory.

Come on Krissy, get it together.

Not to mention that I’m thinking really hard about how my behavior impacts Noah and I’m thinking about how I want to be impacting Noah. I actually got fairly lucky in my dating life. I was treated pretty darn well by most of the people I dated. Noah is a shining star above all of them. Noah has given me consistency (even though that is super hard for him) and kindness (that the world has never given him) and love (that no one ever gave him).

I want to be the partner he deserves. Because he tells me that he is the partner I deserve and he is so great.

I am really frustrated. This apartment size is getting to me. There is literally no where to be out of the way unless you shove into a corner of the room. Most of those corners mean you can’t eat because the god damn rug is electric and we all spill our food so we have to stand/sit/crouch around the tiny bit of bare floor. And then if anyone wants to get up and get something else everyone has to god damn shift over. I am losing my mind.

Eldest Child’s knee is almost better. She has cabin fever. But we are up three flights of stairs and she was irritating it a lot and I need her to be all the way better before we go through another airport so we have to sit around and wait until it is FULLY healed, not almost healed. I am so bored.

I am tired of my entire days being laundry, cleaning, go get food, clean, interspersed with constant nursing and diaper changes.

I went out on a self date the other night. I got 2 whole hours away. The restaurant I picked had great food and shitty attitude. The host and another customer asked where I was from then had a loud sneering conversation in Japanese about “California” and “English only”. Given that they have a Japanese word that doesn’t sound like English they were pretty clearly making sure I understood they were talking shit. It wasn’t peaceful or fun.

I don’t get to go explore the city. Even if I did go I would have to take the two younger kids and Middle Child would loudly complain the whole time if I did anything other than go to a children’s play area.

I don’t get to have down time.

I don’t get to sleep.

Dealing with food is a nightmare. I am so frustrated. We have to walk to the store every day to get preprepared food that varies day by day and my kids are being really snotty about anything being weird and I am fucking out of patience. YES. THEY EAT FUCKING CHICKEN SKIN HERE. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT AND GOD DAMN EAT BECAUSE I AM NOT WALKING ANOTHER TWO MILES TO TRY TO FIND SOMETHING OTHER THAN THESE GOD DAMN SKEWERS. THIS WAS THE NON SEAFOOD OPTION. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!?!?!?!

Obviously I have not said that. But I am gritting my teeth a lot and I’m getting really short with their complaints. At first I told them they didn’t have to eat anything they didn’t like. Then that turned into living on fruit and sugary bread. Guess what, you have to eat the fucking protein I can find. I am sorry they don’t exclusively have chicken breasts for you. Suck. It. Up.

I have had to eat more than one thing that probably had seafood in it because that’s what there was. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

We can’t only have familiar food. And no you can’t live on cream buns. That’s not ok.

I am really glad the kids told me they only wanted to be here for three weeks instead of longer. They show great wisdom.

Every other apartment for the next few months will have an easier kitchen. That’s turning out to be an even bigger deal than I could have imagined. We need a table. We need a place where we can sit down and eat together. It’s important. We need a way to cook so that we are not dependent on whatever the store puts together that day from mostly seafood.

This country is both more polite than my experience of Paris and less polite. It’s fascinating. I don’t want to “go home” but I don’t want to be here anymore.

Thank you, next.

I miss scrambles. Eating raw fruit and vegetables every day for breakfast probably isn’t helping. I’m hungry. The meals in restaurants here usually leave me feeling hungry and I need to go supplement. The people here are smaller and their calorie needs are lower. But I also kind of feel like a pig when I buy 5-6 preprepared “meals” for our family of 4 adult sized people and a baby. But we eat them.

And the baby is sick. I am frustrated. I am probably getting sick too. But I sucked a looooooot of snot out of her nose. The nose Frida is simultaneously awesome and truly disgusting.

I just want to rest. I want a bed day. I want to not have to clean for a day. I want to not have to go take care of anyone or anything.

That won’t be happening any year soon and today I feel super bitter and angry about it.

I get really stuck on the negative. So here’s some of the positive stuff I’m noticing about my kids:

Middle Child has been working on himself in a variety of ways. Even though I can still find frustration with his volume and stomping, he has gone from screaming all the time to talking loudly. That’s absolutely amazing. He’s doing great in context of how far he has come over the past few years. I told him that I am no longer upset about him hitting a 9 out of 10 in terms of volume I’m trying to get him to go from a 6 to a 4. That’s a big accomplishment already.

He has been very good about managing the size of his body in relationship to other kids lately. We went to the park yesterday and he was super careful of all the tiny little children running around. He took turns and looked carefully before going down slides or throwing things. I could visibly see him putting effort into caring about the people around him. He has also been much more gentle with both of his sisters since we got to Japan. I can see him pulling himself back and refraining from roughness. I am really proud of him. He was really rough in Hawaii and he’s put a lot of effort into chilling out over the past two weeks.

He has been pressuring me about sugar far less. He is eating fruits and vegetables and plain yogurt without complaint. (He’s is having some itching issues. Plain yogurt is the best way to encourage your body to stop itching that I know.) He has been noticing how good he feels emotionally when he exercises and he has been asking to go on long walks. That’s a big deal!

He is also doing way better with academics since we got here. Having the expectation of doing some sort of reading or writing or talking about academic subjects for an hour a day instead of trying for 3-4 hours a day of doing specific assigned work has really helped him. He feels more successful so he is more willing to try. I think that a lot of his abject refusal to try for a while was because he felt like he was going to fall short, so why bother starting?

He’s even doing better with hygiene stuff. There is still room for improvement… but he’s doing a lot better with fewer reminders.

Eldest Child has been really doing super well on hygiene stuff. She has a lot more body stuff to take care of these days since puberty is inching into her life. Her dandruff has been intense since we got to the cold/dry weather. We found her some shampoo and she’s using it religiously. She has also had a massive acne breakout and she is doing multiple steps of skin care a day. She is still keeping her ear piercings very clean and I feel really glad to see her taking so much responsibility for her body. She’s doing great on teeth care and everything. This has been a real struggle for us in her lifetime and I feel like she has grown up a lot over the last couple of months in this department. She has a lot more to do and she feels a lot more motivated to do it for herself. It’s neat to see.

Her art work continues to really impress me. She has made progress with some of her digital drawing stuff as well as her continual progress on paper. She still prefers pencils to other mediums and that’s cool. Her flowers are really neat. She gets texture and shading stuff that I am not good at reproducing. I love watching her talent grow.

She has been taking responsibility for reaching out to her friends and good golly Miss Molly I am so excited to see that. She is emailing some folks. She is reaching out to try to set up Skype dates (these have only sorta worked so far, she’s figuring out how to schedule with kids) and she is trying to write letters. I am really impressed to see her try to grow like this. She is becoming much more adult.

She is pushing back on some of my behavior that is a problem for her. That’s a big forking deal. I am really proud of her for saying that I am hurting her and I need to stop. I want her to have these kinds of skills and abilities for life. I mean, yes of course it would be best if I never hurt her… but let’s be realistic. People are going to fuck up and hurt her. I am glad she is learning how to say “That isn’t ok and it needs to stop.” Important life skill training.

I continue to be shocked by how drawn to fruits and vegetables she is. She is also really grooving on the rice here. She has never been all that into meat but she is trying to eat more nuts and tofu to make up for it. She also asked us to get some miso, tofu, and seaweed. We are going to break out the burner later today and try to cook for her in her apartment. She’s excited to get to learn more about cooking in a new environment.

Her writing has come so far. I am absolutely stunned by how legible and well spelled her writing is these days. She has put a lot of effort into improving and I think that’s amazing. I don’t harp on her and I don’t force her to do spelling practice. She learned more about spelling because the kids in the chat rooms made fun of her. heh.

Both of the big kids are doing super well on regulating their sleep. That’s great.

Her Sweetness has hit another growth spurt. The 18 month clothing that fit well in Hawaii is starting to be high waters and super tight. I am going to be donating a whole bunch of it here and not replacing it till we get to Scotland. I am trying to see how I can bring this high chair with us because it is so dang handy and replacing it would be annoying. I think it will fit into our biggest suitcase if I get rid of a bunch of other stuff. Ok, I can do that. It weighs less than 7 lbs. The other things that MUST go in that bag is the giant pad of art paper and the laundry basket. So that bag may end up being less than 30 lbs because the stuff in it is so bulky. That would be kind of amusing.

Baby girl is signing more and she is trying to speak more. She is standing on her own a lot but she still isn’t quite ready to walk. I’m starting to think she won’t hit that milestone in Japan even though I kind of thought she might when we arrived. That’s dandy. She has clearly gained some weight and carrying her around is a struggle. She’s a good eater. Whoof.

Noah is being so kind. I think that the lack of cooking time/effort is feeling a little bit break like for him. We both spend some time food prepping and we spend a lot more time on set up and clean up but it’s still less time than he spent on food planning and prep in California. Way less cooking time than in Hawaii when he was trying to dance around using the minimally adequate kitchen. Here we are just buying prepared foods and raw fruit/veg and calling it a day.

Noah has a big presentation in less than a week and he hasn’t snapped at us once. Even though we are in his face 24 hours a day and he has to work with enormous distraction. He is plowing through his work and doing his best to be pleasant even though we can be quite frustrating. I continue to be overwhelmed by how much effort this man thinks we are worth. I could not have earned what he gives me and my children. He does it because he wants to. I am so glad I get to have him as a partner.

We have managed to have sex here and it was really nice. Sex has changed so much for us over the past 15 years. I feel grateful that he keeps trying to grow and change and figure out how to be good for me.

I am very blessed.

And golly that email from Pam this morning was like a ray of sunshine. Thank you for taking time out of your day to tell me what I do right. It is really hard for me to feel like those things happen. I am grateful that you tell me that you see it.

I’m reading a book about CPTSD. The author says that it is important to be in touch with all of your feelings, but it’s not ok to display anger in unhealthy ways. Just reading that sentence makes me cry because I don’t think I understand what an “acceptable” way to display anger is. I mean, I know I can’t call names. I know I can’t scream and shout and break things. But mostly my experience is that when I try to set boundaries without flipping out… either someone else flips out to try and stop me from expressing what I’m expressing or they just ignore me.

Many months before Sarah and I broke up I told her in a face to face conversation that I thought it would be a good idea to walk back many of the promises she was making because she seemed to be having trouble keeping them. She assured me that she was going to keep them thank you for reminding her.

That didn’t increase how reliable she was at all. It didn’t increase the attention she paid to my kids. She did tell me that when I wrote about her failures it made her not want to try at all since I was publicly shaming her. So I stopped writing about her as much. That didn’t help either. I am fucked no matter how I try to fix it.

My needs suck. My needs make me hate myself and hate other people. Because if I have a need I can’t fix on my own it just won’t get met and I can go fuck myself.

A bunch of former neighbors keep emailing me. On one hand that’s really nice. On the other hand, they are emailing me because they want me to tell them how to fix problems in their life because I am no longer wandering the neighborhood being helpful. “Where do I buy this?” “How can I fix x problem with the DMV?” “That thing you made for me–how do I make it?”

I mean… it’s nice that they think I’m so competent? But I feel absolutely terrible. I’m in a new very constrained environment trying to figure out how to meet basic needs for my family. All food acquisition happens with me walking a fair distance. Eldest Child hasn’t been up for our normal walking because she bloody keeps falling down and hurting herself. (I think she is growing and her center of balance is off. She does this every so often. But I can’t just drive her around until this is fixed again like I could in California.)

I am struggling to meet my own needs. Why don’t I just take time out of my day to fix all y’alls problems too…

People on the internet keep telling me that I shouldn’t give to people if I have any expectation of getting anything back. I should only give when I can do so from a spirit of generosity not needing anything back from the person.

Then I should never have bought DVC. Then I shouldn’t ever respond to any of these emails. Then quite a few of my “friends” are people I should stop contacting ever again.

Because I do want things back from them. And that makes me bad.

Having unmet needs that I can’t fix for myself makes me bad.

I had a good chat with Eldest Child today about feelings and protecting each other. We talked about how sometimes I am too hard on her and she feels like she can’t tell me that I am hurting her. I said that is a major problem that we need to fix because it’s not ok for my child to be absorbing my pain. She said she doesn’t want to upset me. I told her that if I am hurting her then I need to be upset with myself and I need to change. She said she feels really bad upsetting me. I suggested writing me letters so she doesn’t need to see my reaction. She said she will try it.

I don’t need people to treat me like I never do anything wrong. But I am so bad at setting boundaries without being angry. I am just ignored.

It’s like with Noah and the sex stuff. I tried to talk about it for a long time. I couldn’t make him understand until I started acting out in hurtful ways. I don’t feel proud of myself. I feel like I am a shitty person who never deserves to be trusted or treated well again. But I needed it to stop and I will accept the consequences for doing what I had to do. That’s the deal.

I spent my third pregnancy sitting at home and crying because I wanted to kill myself. I had less ability to drive than usual so less therapy. I didn’t really see friends. I feel incredibly wounded by that experience after I spent so many years driving to help people. To clean up the hoarders houses because they couldn’t do it emotionally. To help people post-surgery. To bring food and companionship to new mothers or elderly folk.

But fuck me.

Yeah the bay area was “perfect”. Perfectly happy to use me up until I kill myself.

“Everyone would be much happier if people just stopped perceiving microaggressions.” Well that sounds about white.

Some people will be happier, that’s true.

I bought fucking DVC so I could have a way of financing spending time with Sarah. She wanted me to give her my points so she could have trips with her friends and family and not deal with my needs.

I looked into selling the points. It looks like they are almost 3x’s as expensive now as when I bought them. At least I will make back the money I spent on those trips. In the long run I will probably effectively make back all the money I ever spent on park admissions and food.

I don’t think I can come back to California to live and I don’t think I care enough to fly back to Disneyland. I feel like the whole place is poisoned for me.

She took money I gave her for groceries and bought a plane ticket to go see her sister. It’s not like it was a one time thing that she took resources from me so that she got to feel like she was the one taking care of her family.

I don’t even know if I feel bitter. Just sad. Rejected. Worthless.

How does Noah make me feel better about myself than other people do? He absolutely does not make promises unless he can keep them. He makes me feel like I am worth honesty. He’s quick to tell me that he can’t do something. He doesn’t expect me to give and give and give so he can turn around and pass that effort on and look cool because he has it to give.

I am tired of feeling sad and worthless. I am tired of needing to explode with anger so that I can get people to stop saying, “Well why don’t you give more to me.”

BECAUSE I AM FUCKING EMPTY. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

Dad’s girlfriend has been super kind about our upcoming trip to Portland. I don’t have one bad thing to say about her. But I hate myself for feeling suspicious and tentative because this came after I turned down loaning him $25,000 and I told him that I didn’t ever expect to be welcome in his home again now that it is full.

He said that we could stay there in the guest room but he wouldn’t dismantle his dungeon. He would just throw a blanket over stuff.

Uhm.

I don’t know that the amount I shield my kids from kinky shit is necessary. It doesn’t matter if it is necessary or more than needed. I am going to keep doing it because this is how my fucked up brain knows that there will be no inappropriate sexual conversations with my children. They know about anatomy. They know about birth control. They know that some day when they are ready I will support them doing whatever makes them happy. They don’t ever need to know that I like to be whipped and called a whore.

Do I like it? Do I feel like it is what I deserve?

I can’t separate those things.

I had good dreams last night. I asked Noah to hypnotize me to sleep. This was the first morning in a while where I didn’t wake up crying and/or feeling sick.

I know I hurt my kids and it makes me feel like dogshit. I know I hurt my friends and it makes me feel like I should disappear so I never hurt them again. I have to set boundaries and I seem to be incapable of doing so and having healthy relationships. That means I should be alone. That’s how I should set the boundaries. That way I don’t hurt people. I don’t have the right to hurt people. That’s me being a selfish cunt.

Asking people to please, please, please not make promises they can’t keep… that’s not ok. That’s not enough. They promise because they want to be able to keep the promise. Then I’m the fucking asshole when I notice that they are effectively lying to me.

I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole.

But I’m an asshole who got the baby to sleep finally. So I got to type. Wheeeee