Three people asked for clarity on a previous post where I mentioned I had big feelings for people and I’m not naming names. That’s a shocking amount of response to a post so I’m going to just mass-clarify.

My feelings aren’t anger. I tend to make friendships with dynamic, intense people. Many of my friends have schtuff going on in their lives with families, jobs, relationships that have layers of meaning and potential responses.

I pick these people because I admire them. I struggle with my internal drive that says if I admire someone I must strive to be like them. I like a lot of people and I can’t be like everyone. People tell me that they like that I am “so myself” but that comes at the expense of a lot of angsting and time spent feeling sad because I’m not managing to conform better.

I have feelings because I can’t manage to figure out the right bridge between where I am and where you are and my failure feels monumental and like I will lose all love because I am a failure. I try to have perspective on the fact that I don’t dump everyone for their lack of perspective and maybe I’m not literally the most gracious person on the planet…so…. sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode with feelings.

Because knowing about your story is sometimes a little overwhelming. You know how I overwhelm you? You overwhelm me. Knowing what I know about you is sometimes hard. But I want to know it. I crave this knowledge and connection. I need you and I love you.

Sometimes I have feelings about you.

I’m frustrated and overwhelmed, but what else is new?

Today I will only get a little bit done on my checklist. I have to drive the kids across the valley, of course. By the end of this week… I should really be down to 15 things on the checklist. If I want to finish this month. Ugh.

Did I mention that Noah is going away for work this week? Wednesday afternoon through Sunday. I’m making him stay away for an extra day. He’s been in emergency mode trying to help me more than normal for a long time. It’s time to reverse the flow and do nice things for him too.

Off to have a day.

I’m looking for a fight and I don’t think it is other people’s fault. I want change, difference, improvement and I am literally at the limit of what I can accomplish and I feel overwhelmed by my inadequacies and I want to take that feeling out on the whole world.

I have no patience. I have only anger and frustration. It’s not fair.

I tried not to talk much today. When I did talk I said the wrong things and I proved I’m just as big of an abusive bully as all the rest.

I’m overwhelmed with rage and massively ashamed of the hypocrisy that is spurring my rage. WHY CAN’T EVERYONE ELSE STOP STRUGGLING WITH THE SHIT I’M STRUGGLING WITH IN FRONT OF ME. HOW DARE YOU NOT HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

I’m being caustic and nasty and I need to knock it off before I lose friends.

I am having very strong feelings about a lot of people right now. If this were actually a private journal I would list names.

I’m not that fucking brave today.

People from the past, the present, and I don’t know what the future will bring. This article about queer women and relationships really hit me in my feels. I’m not poly. But I’m obsessively in love with my friends and I will cross state lines or oceans to be with them.

I’m feeling very out of sorts and adrift. Who am I? The g-d damn milk machine; this stage is so extreme emotionally. And I was getting to a very different point with the big kids. If I didn’t have an infant the big kids would have been in much more time consuming classes for the last year. More distance would be really healthy. Instead they are in my face all.the.time.

The cheese is falling off my cracker. And I can’t bring myself to go find homeschool stuff I have to drive to. I’m so tired. I can’t find the juice to get involved in a new thing when we are leaving soon. And we aren’t heavily in a cycle with anyone right now. We are tying up lose ends and closing doors.

Some more forcefully than others.

And I’m out of patience with life and humans and it isn’t fair.

Not everyone is like me. Goodness that’s so true.

I made this bathroom because I wanted to think about change. Now I feel like I’m being chased by a taser. Change. Change. Get the fuck out and change already.

Sex is on my mind a fair bit. I’m not having much (when we do it’s pretty dang good for how old our baby is) and I’m not masturbating much more. But I’m thinking about it. Thinking about what do I want? How do I even talk about any of this without writing checks my ass doesn’t want to cash? What is a fantasy? What is an order/demand/request?

I don’t know how to seriously do this.

And I have no time alone in my head. Right now Her Sweetness is whining at me.

I’m just such an asshole. I have no patience. I don’t want to be nice.

Time to nurse.

My to do list is down to 40 things from 51. *pat self on back*

Including applying for global entry 5 times. I’m fucking exhausted. I’ve walked 3.38 miles.

Ok. Have to give up my computer for Minecraft. fuck.

Maybe if I type this shit out I will feel less like I want to put my fist through the wall.

I’m frustrated that I have basically entirely stopped seeing my therapist because I can only handle so many 3-4 hour round trip experiences for therapy in a week and my children think that it is very important they get to play board games with their expensive shrinks every week.

I am not getting as much pain reducing medical care as I would like to get because I’m paying off the birth. I’m not going to be caught up in the health section of the budget for six months and all these travel vaccines and shit are really expensive. So I’m not going to get as much massage or chiropractic care as I could use to be in less pain… until next year or later.

I like going to Renaissance Faires. But I can’t handle the drive to go to most of them and I keep missing the San Jose one for various reasons. Like, I could go today by myself. But my kid already went yesterday with other friends. And Noah’s exhausted and wouldn’t be up for going and having fun. So I’m not going to go. Because going by myself with the baby wouldn’t be a lot of fun. And I can’t be away from the baby long enough to go actually alone. So I don’t go.

I asked Sarah if I could join her on a trip to see her nail person. Because it’s stupid and I wanted to do it with my friend. The timing isn’t working out (she tried! I’m not bitching about Sarah in any way shape or form) and it looks like she will just take my kid instead.

I set up a nice hammock in the back yard because I wanted to spend time this summer dozing in it. My kids decided to turn it into a nasty mud pit. So I made them clean the hammock and I just got rid of it. There is no point in me trying to do something nice for myself.

I really wanted to explore the bay area this summer. But with surprise thousands of dollars in expenses for Middle Child’s medical stuff… that’s not happening. My kids have been asked on a few outings with other people though so they have been doing some exploring.

This is feeling like when I was a kid and everyone around me got to do fun things and I didn’t. I have this baby on me practically all the time.

I’m supposed to act like Noah wearing the baby for a nap is a huge deal. It’s practically fucking Mardi Gras. That’s my big break.

And I’d like to put my head through a window instead of hearing another conversation about video games.

Even when I’m supposed to be the one who gets to go to a movie with the kids… the kids decide it isn’t worth their time to do their chores so we don’t go. When they are going to go with their dad… they get their shit done.

I got fucking season passes to the water park that’s only three miles away. Someone has had diarrhea basically every week… and it hasn’t been me. That’s no one’s fault. But I never get to go because someone else is always feeling bad.

I wrote up my to do list last night because I’m feeling overwhelmed and freaked out trying to keep it all in my head. Very quickly without trying hard I came up with 46 things and most of them are for other people and most of them are going to take hours and most of them need to be done this month.

I’m eating a lot of sugar because I feel like that is the good thing I get to have but sugar is an inflammatory and really it’s just one more way for me to hurt myself because it increases how much pain I am in.

I’m really sad. It doesn’t help that I know I have vacations planned so I feel like I am a stupid fucking bitch for in any way shape or form complaining. I have stuff to look forward to that other people will never be able to have. So I need to shut up about not getting everything I want. How selfish can I be?

I don’t like exercising by myself all the time. But I have to drag/force/make people go with me. So I’m slowing down physically because that process hurts emotionally.

I’m feeling really stupid and pointless and worthless. I don’t want to buckle down and work hard to make all of these things happen for other people. I don’t want to put dozens of hours into other peoples happiness.

I don’t fucking care.

I had a really cool summer planned. Instead of all I planned if I add up all the Skype dates and in person dates I’ll get to have about 27-31ish hours of contact with my friends over the summer.

Oh. That’s why I feel like this.

I’m chatting like fuck! I’m on my damn computer all the time! So I am talking to people… and my elbows are completely thrashed and they burn 24 hours a day. Because either I type at people or I cut myself. That’s where I am. That’s how I can stay in the size and shape of life I’m allowed to have.

I’ve been feeling upset for a while because I don’t have any money in my personal section of the budget so I don’t get to go do fun things. I blew my fun budget on my cousin coming to visit. Only arranging pet care was too onerous and she didn’t get on the plane. After asking me for several hundred extra dollars in the final 48 hours to make sure she could come.

So I’m feeling broke and pissy. The kids get to go do their shit because their money is separate from mine. Only we spend money on the kids doing stuff and they get sick or bored and don’t actually want to go to the  things I’m spending so much on.

Turns out that my budget was a fucking $1,000 over because when Noah and the kids went to Texas without me… that got labeled as my fun money. This is my unhappy face. No wonder I’ve had such a shitty year. I’m paying off them getting to visit their family after I pay off trying to get my family to visit me only I’m not worth it.

I really wanted to spend the summer exploring the bay area. Instead I’ve spent it yelling about chores.

Fuck everything.

Her Sweetness loves her siblings. Sometimes I put Her Sweetness in the swing for a nap because my back is not doing so hot. Her Sweetness will fuss and complain; not a full on cry most of the time. A sibling will come and put on a show. She is suddenly all joy and smiles and giggles. They can entertain her to sleep.

They are all feeling really good about their interactions.

Things continue to be complicated because Middle Child resents the fuck out of being two years younger than his sister. He is bitter and angry that he isn’t as tall and can’t run as fast and isn’t as advanced in classes and… Dude. She’s not better at all these things… she’s two years older. Gah.

But everyone is thriving on being a Big Sibling. (Or the baby is feeling thrilled about having Big People Who Care For Her.)

It’s not that everyone is perfectly happy in every moment. And the big kids bicker like whoa. They need to differentiate themselves and they aren’t all that polite about their process. I get it. I wish MC appreciated how much EC treats him like he treats Her Sweetness. EC does help MC. EC does slow down for MC. EC does give up some of her privileges as an older kid to hang back with him. But he’s angry that she needs to actively make those choices. It’s subconscious and maybe I’m reading the situation wrong. I do that sometimes.

But the two big kids have a hard time when the other wants space. They follow each other around all day… and alternate who is trying to leave. Like cats. They adore each other. They irritate the crap out of each other. I understand both emotions so much.

Right now they are rolling around like puppies. They are pulling hair and punching. I’ve checked in and they both said super loudly, “We had a negotiation. This is consensual.” Heh. Awkward.

This really is just another day in paradise. I really enjoy watching them interact. I’m having a lot of fun teaching them. We are getting through a lot of interesting material. They have boom and bust cycles on motivation… much like their parents… much like all the development books say they will… much like human beings do…

They are figuring out how to have separate friendships. They are figuring out how to keep their friends. (Slowly. It’s a process.)

We are all learning as we go. I think they will be able to learn without me when they are grown. Already EC says, “Mom? I haven’t cleaned enough for the internet but may I look up how to do _____ on youtube real quick because I don’t understand it and I don’t want to ask you to explain 15 times.” The thing could be math or history or drawing or coding or or or or or. She understands her needs in an ever growing way.

I usually say yes to this request. Cause duh.

MC isn’t to this point yet. And that feels developmental and right.

I’m enjoying that they are different and have different needs.

It’s so much more apparent with a third child in the mix. The way they talk to her and interact with her is so different.. They are where they are and I see it in their spontaneous utterances at the baby. In other places it is sometimes more murky. All in all…

I enjoy them. I can complain on any given day because I’m a controlling asshole. But I have really interesting people in my life. They try hard. They think about things. They make connections.

And I am the only normal they have ever known. That’s complicated.

That’s complicated because in many ways I really am a happy soul. I have kept on trucking and trying and growing through all kinds of shit that shuts other people down.

And I really really frequently do it smiling.

Ok sometimes I do it screaming. *cough*

Fuck. I’m torn between feeling like I am such a heinous asshole I don’t deserve to be here with these awesome people and realizing they wouldn’t be so god damn awesome without me.

That’s fascinating. It’s harder to hate myself with them as mirrors.

It makes me think very hard about the things my mother said to me. My children are not told that when they get married they will be that person’s whore forever without the right to say no. My children are told that they need to use their words. Things should not happen to their bodies without their active consent.

I’m hella annoying about checking in on stuff.

And it’s not that they are perfect; they aren’t. They are obnoxious as fuck. Are they rude? I’m not sure if I can judge.

But they make me proud.

The best part about getting older is I have more patience for my patterns and seasons and shit. I’ve had a rough couple of days emotionally. The people in my house tell me I’m not freaking out at them so that’s good. Internally I am completely fucking freaking out.

I’ve been wanting to mutilate myself a lot. I want to remind myself that I don’t deserve anything and I am not important and I need to just shut up because no one fucking cares what I think.

It’s kind of hard to maintain those thought patterns in this house though. My family thinks I deserve everything. My family thinks I am super ridiculously important. My family wants me to talk and they like hearing what I think.

Sometimes they inadvertently do something that doesn’t land how they mean it and I get upset and I feel like maybe they don’t feel about me the way they do.

But they really do and it’s not ok to force them to jump through hoops to prove it. I have to just believe it.

That’s hard.

I have to grow up to be a nice white lady and except for glowing in the dark I’m not a great candidate. I’m an asshole and a monster and I’m not interested in being nice for you. Only due to racism and structural problems and the fact that I’m a rich motherfucker…

I have to be aware of power differentials and *I* have to be nice. Or I’m the problem.

It’s funny how that’s always been true but now I care more. I don’t want to be this problem. I want to not be this problem. I don’t want to hurt people and that means I have to soften my affect and I have to learn how to communicate without scaring people and I have to compromise.

Fuck all this.

Art. Video games. Respect. Worthiness. Time. Appreciation.

It’s complicated that I have several jobs that take up an enormous amount of my time and brain but folks think of me as just sitting around not doing much.

What does it mean to value someone?

I want to be able to set these boundaries without kicking and screaming and being nasty. I did a fairly good job of backing out of the house deal. I expressed that it wasn’t going to work for me and I needed to back out and I stopped responding.

I don’t need to tell them that I feel like I was punched in the gut and spit on so I want to get nasty. They didn’t punch me in the gut nor spit on me and I don’t need to get nasty. They want what they want and that’s ok. It’s not what I want to offer. That’s ok too.

No one needs to be nasty. It just didn’t work out.

But my insides want to be nasty. I don’t even have anything good to be nasty about. It was a possible deal that didn’t work out. We started out as friends but distant ones and I suspect we will be as close as we would have stayed anyway when I move. Which is to say… we won’t be close and that’s ok.

I am allowed to need color. You are allowed to need cream walls. Totes legit. All cool. Paint any other house, k?

My family wants to be respectful of me with video games. They’ve been doing great at meals on their own. I noped out of a conversation with Eldest Child where she wanted to extensively detail what she wants to do on a video game. I patted myself on the back. I was civil and calm and shit.

And the baby is starting to fuss again.

• had protein heavy breakfast
• dropped kid off at camp
• 1/2 hour meeting with staff folks
• took books to Half Price Books
• acquired Mighty Suitcase for cheap as per Sarah’s instructions
• ate salad lunch
• Dr appt to consolidate blood test info with GP & request titer checks
• scheduled blood draw appt
• scheduled DMV appt for Real ID
• followed up with pediatrician office about billing mix up
• loaded dishwasher
• changed many diapers, pottied the baby
• walked 3.3 miles already
• I even braided my damn hair all fancy
• wore the baby for almost the whole time we weren’t in the car so oof weight

I’m tired.

Yesterday I caught up on Mint.

If Noah didn’t have such a good job we’d be in trouble. My self discipline has been shit. I am not feeling proud of me.

Noah followed up on the evaluation for Middle Child! Oh I’m so happy he did.