Category Archives: Uncategorized

suckage and annoyance and alright fine some good stuff too.

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So I saw an apartment today in Willow Glen. The location would be ideal. It was really large for a one bedroom apartment–probably more than 600 sq feet. The kitchen was decent the closets rocked. (Clothing closet about 8 ft long with two shelves above and two linen closets.) The downsides are: it is up a very narrow and obnoxious flight of stairs and would suck to move into and they don’t allow cats. That last bit is a deal breaker unfortunately. SUCK

So looks like I am moving into the 500 sq foot apartment that is on Camden not far from Blossom Hill. It is plenty big enough for my needs and they are alright with me keeping Puff. I’m ok with it. It’s about 15 minutes from the school on city streets or 10 minutes on the freeway. I will be content I think.

This will be the first time in my life I have lived completely and totally alone. It’s kind of scary. I will have just Puff and Ted to ward off the boogiemen. I’m feeling kind of pathetic because I have a serious lack of kitchen stuff. Once upon a time I had it, but my brother needed it and I didn’t so I let him have it and he still has it. Oh well. No use crying over spilt milkshake. Hmmmm I should make a milkshake.

My sense of perspective is all fucked up these days. Who lives nearish to San Jose? Who will I start bugging to come over cause I hate being alone?

I can’t waaaaaaaaaaaait until I get to sleep later. My early day is 8:20 and if I live down there I will need to leave my house at 7:30 on that day. Dude. Now I’m leaving my house at 6:30. On Thursdays and Fridays I won’t have to leave until 8:30. God it will be awesome. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I’m very tired and out of it and confuzzled. I want my brain back.

I also want some comments. Show me some love, damnit.

{therapy}Optimism

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Today I am going to be looking at an apartment complex that I am interested in. First I am looking at the studio, then the one bedroom. If I like either I may just sign the lease today.

Therapy yesterday was good and very hard. I spent a while crying. Puppy thought that was a reflection of the therapist picking on me. She asked me to think about ways I can let Puppy console me and it led to me crying a lot because I don’t know if I can let him console me. I realized how much my trust in him is damaged. That was so hard. And it isn’t because of things that have happened often or things that he realized were such a big deal. He won’t defend or protect me, ever. Those things matter to me. I am starting to realize that those things might just be the most important thing and he didn’t do it. We have opened a dialogue about it. It’s very scary. After the session I felt wrung out and seriously depressed. I tried calling a couple of friends to see if they wanted to have dinner but they weren’t available. 🙁 After a couple of hours I rallied and was in a better mood than I have been in a while. This is some seriously hard stuff and if we can figure it out we have a much higher chance of making it period. People are still telling me to DTMFA (dump the mother fucker already for those of you who do not read Savage Love) and asking me why I want to stay with him. I still don’t have a coherent answer. I want him because I love him so much I ache and feel empty when he is away from me. I want him because he makes me smile and laugh and he is happy to play with me. It is kind of weird. I am always playful with people I date, but I normally do it from the cover of being “little.” He is pretty freaked out by me being little, so I have to play as an adult. It’s a different kind of mindset.

Still scared. Still insecure. Maybe feeling a little better though.

I’m a loser baby

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(Not really, but since I’m on a song lyric naming scheme.)

Today went better than I thought it would. I am nearing completion on packing. I am not 100% done on my unit plan, but close enough that I am going to seriously impress my master teacher. I haven’t done any grading though. I suck! I was in a horrible horrible mood for most of the day, at least until about 2:30. Crying and generally being a total spaz. Then we had sex. (First time in a week.) Now I’m in a good mood and feeling ok and more stable. I really wish he understood this correlation better and volunteered sex more regularly. It is a whopping 8pm and Ken has left. (The annoying best friend was here for dinner and a movie; we all played nice and got along well.)

I’m tired. I think I am going to pass out by about 9:30 and pray I sleep until 6. I am going to go into work early and get some stuff ready for my kids. Oh! I need to go create a pop quiz for my stupid seniors! They pissed me off on Thursday. It is horrible that having sex makes me feel like I can actually handle all that is on my plate.

Oh! And the teacher I hate will be absent on Wednesday. We are just watching a movie in class. 🙂 The week won’t suck!

Frustration

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My new laptop behaved poorly today. It would not transfer the image to the projector and it is being funky about returning from sleep mode. Mother Fucker. And it won’t connect to the network at my house. It hasn’t since I got on Kevin’s network. Or rather, it gets on and then disconnects every five minutes. This means I: use Puppy’s computer (with the keyboard that seriously sucks) or I sit on the floor in the cold gun room. I am not thrilled with either option. I hate netgear.

My seniors are little bastards and I think I am going to have a pretty heavy duty drink in about five minutes.

Puppy wanted to stay at lab tonight so that he could spend the time with Ken. But that isn’t what he told me originally. Just that he though he should test run it. I feel like he isn’t being up front. Why do I have to play 20 fucking questions.

I have not gotten any packing done recently and I am upset with myself for it.

I’m actually thinking about going and looking at a bunch of apartments tomorrow and basically signing a lease and starting to move next week. This commute is just horrible. I feel like I am wasting soooo much time.

I have to do two unit plans basically within the next week. I have two new units starting in 10 days and I am freakin out. The two units are on poetry and The Mayor of Casterbridge my least favorite part of teaching English (poetry) and a book I sort of read once last year. No one else in the school has taught it before so I get to make it all up from scratch. This is good and bad.

I need to get started on my seminar paper the sooner the better. I have about a month left on that.

I have something like four books that I should read in the next two weeks.

My juniors are doing well though.

I think tonight will be lesson planning and crying.

I have these plans of being social this weekend. Uhm, it may not happen. Depends on how much I get done tonight. 🙁

4 things meme

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Four things I use everyday:
toothbrush, shoes (very sad really), some sort of hair tie, glasses

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
Ross–sales associate, sandwich maker at Togo’s, jill-of-all-trades for theatre, teacher!

Four TV shows I watch…
yeah no

Four people I’ve talked to on the phone recently:
Mommy, Julia, Puppy, uhm… I don’t know. I IM everyone. I called all of my kids’ parents.

Four movies I could watch over and over:
Shawshank Redemption, The Color Purple, Beaches, First Wives Club

Four things I want to do in life:
Finish my fucking masters, have kids, see basically all of Europe, spend more than a month on all of the inhabited continents (time does not have to be sequential).

Four family members I am close to:
Alex, Anna, Ali, and Julia. These people are my family.

Four places I’ve been on vacation:
Hawaii, Ireland, Alaska, Australia.

Four costumes I’ve worn on Halloween:
Pooh, ghost, clown, Snow White. (In totally random order.)

Four schools you have attended: (HA! This one is ridiculous.)
SJSU, CSUH, WVC, FHC (four colleges)

Four of your favorite pizza toppings:
olives, ham, pineapple, cheese

If you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

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“If you need something, ask for it.” Easier said than done, lemmetellyou. A lot of what is going on with me lately is feeling scared and lonely and trapped and helpless. For me a lot of this manifests as feeling little. But my relationship with Puppy is firmly “big” and so I don’t have much space to work through those feelings in my current environment. So I’m creating a space where I can be little for at least a couple of hours this weekend. I am so grateful to and for my friends. When you think about it, it is kind of odd to talk to a friend and say, “Can I come over and be little this weekend?” I miss my Daddy right now. I have sent Tom a couple of emails and he is ignoring them. I know he is overwhelmed at work though so I’m trying not to take it personally. The last time he and I talked about it I asked him if he would still be my Daddy and he said yes, but that was well over a year ago.

I don’t know what I want or what I need right now. Today I’m not feeling well–tickly throat and achey stomach–and it is contributing to me just not feeling big. I know what I ‘need’ to get done for school but I just want to hide under the covers. I hear a visit from the waaaaaaaaaambulance coming.

*sigh* Must be productive today. This morning even. SUCK.

Nice phone calls

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It is a good thing to call the parents every so often and just say, “Your kid is doing great! Will you please encourage them to do the upcoming assignment?” Cause then the parents think you are awesome and caring and stuff. Really, it is just a front though. 😉

{therapy}

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So I’m still not sure what I think about my therapist. Though she talked more this time than she did last time.

Something that is driving me crazy is feeling like I don’t know where I belong. I come from white trash, there is no nicer way of putting that. I come from people who consider a high school diploma to be a nearly unreachable lifetime goal. People who are still living in large houses with too many people per bedroom because they can’t afford to live independently. Though more are independent now than ever before. I’m not like them. I’m just not. Through whatever accident of fate, I managed to change my destiny.

But now what?

I don’t know where I fit. I don’t know where I belong in life. I am about to financially qualify as middle class, but let me tell you–I will never really be. My life expectations are colored by the pessimism of my class. Even saying that makes me feel bad, but it is bloody true. If you have not grown up truly poor (and few on my friends-list have) then you just don’t know what I am talking about. If you did grow up poor, dude–you know. If you are poor you assume that things will always suck no matter what so you don’t bother trying to change your life. And when you do try to change your life you deal with the attitude from the people who won’t try. IT SUCKS.

So I don’t know where I fit. Or even where I want to fit.

And then there is this boy whom I love to distraction. I don’t know why I love him so much, I just do. It would make my life easier if I could just stop.

Not Good

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So uh… the hard drive on my laptop died yesterday. After excessive consultation with people who are smarter than me I surveyed my options and decided that I am buying a new laptop. More consultation with said smart people led me through my options and pricing and such. I will be buying one today.

Woof. Not Cheap.

meme-age

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Leave one memory of you and me together. It doesn’t matter if I know you a little or a lot, anything you remember! Next, post this in your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you.

(Icon is a cool memory I have of a friend giving me a place to belong last Thanksgiving. Uhm, I didn’t need to explain that. But I wanted to.)

stuff to do and stuff to not want to think about

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Tomorrow my goals are:
Make the guest room neat. It doesn’t really matter that it is a mess, but I hate it and want the mess to go away.
Lug all of the bags out of the gun room down to the garage.
Start sorting out books that I will not need in the next year and pack them.
Finish grading the papers for the seniors and get mygradebook up to date for the juniors. Which means checking their WW, reading quiz, and vocabulary tests. I should put in their some of their upcoming points.
Put together lecture on suffering.

Stuff to not think about:
Why am I staying in this relationship?
Why is he completely unwilling to defend me when his family says rude/mean/hurtful things about me?
Where am I going to spend Thanksgiving?
Where am I going to spend Christmas?
Where will I be living in a year?
Why do I pick men who are unwilling to pay attention to me?

Stuff I’m getting rid of.

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I assume that some of my friends are interested in some of this stuff, so I’ll let ya’ll have first crack.

One green suede skirt, knee length size 14. ($15)
One black pvc dress. Sleeveless, zipper up the whole front, scoop neck, size 14ish. ($10)
A huge stack of vintage seamless stockings. Fits approximately a size 8/10 leg. (free to a good home)
One black pvc dress in size large. It is kind of snake skin looking with a zipper down the front that allows some extra room or makes it tighter. The zipper is over a pleat kind of thing. ($25)

White baby doll pumps in a size 8. ($5) They are fairly scuffed. These stupid things scuff the first time you wear them. If you want them, take the suckers.
These shoes http://www.pierresilber.com/blhihesh.html in size 9 (they run small). ($10)
These shoes http://www.pierresilber.com/5oxford.html in size 9 (they run small). ($10)

Prices are based on what I paid when I bought it and how many times I wore it. If anyone wants to be nice and give me more money that would be just fine. Or I suppose you could try to negotiate me down if you are also a poor person and you think I will have pity on you.

Damn this link has shrunk. Thanks ya’ll!

prep for moving

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So far I have collected 24 grocery bags worth of books to get rid of (maybe half of one of those bags is Puppy’s stuff) and I have a lawn trimming bag of clothes. We are going to be getting rid of a bunch of kitchen stuff as well. I can feel my belongings cry as they think of going away. 🙁

But Jesus Christ on a pogo stick by the third move in just over a year it is time to pare down.

finding hope

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Today I stood in front of my class and I asked them, “Why do you think I had you do this assignment?” I got half-hearted “cause it will help us” responses. I absolutely went off. I told them that I do not give them assignments because I am trying to find a way to kill an hour of class. I told them that I do not go out looking for ways to torture them just because I find it amusing. Every single thing we do in this class is for YOUR benefit. The point of yesterday’s exercise was for everyone to become an expert on one word and help everyone else in the class understand that word and give them context for being able to remember the word later, oh… on the test on Monday maybe. Instead I got upset and pissy in class because most of the class was not working or paying attention. We wasted a class period on screwing around and now if anyone wants to pass the test I suggest that they study over the weekend. The students didn’t let me down, they let one another down and that is a really sad thing.

I told them that I have had complaints about the screwing around distracting people so that they can’t pay attention and learn in class. I told them that I don’t like coming down on people and writing up referals is not my idea of a good time. But if I allow the misbehavior to be the rule of the day in my class then I am failing each and every student because I am not giving them the opportunity to learn that I agreed to do as my job. If I do not teach my students then I have failed and I am unwilling to do that. So the talking and sleeping and lack of work will no longer be tolerated. I will have a stack of referals on my desk and I will no longer engage with the people who are refusing to participate in their education. I qualified that yes, I have some kids who are fully participating and doing everything as they should–this lecture is not directed at any of them.

Most of the class looked very chagrined. I think maybe they heard me. I’m crossing my fingers for Monday. (They were really good in class today.)

hope?

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I’m having a lot of trouble with hope right now. I had a bad day yesterday–ok, I had one bad period and it wasn’t that bad. But I feel like a failure. And I feel like I will never be successful at a relationship. Part of my problem is exhaustion and I know it. I finished my unit plan last night for Mans Search for Meaning. I will have something to show in my meeting this afternoon.

This weekend I need to catch up and even get ahead on my masters class. I am slipping further and further behind and that isn’t ok. I need to figure out what I want to do my main paper on. I have no freakin ideas. *sigh*

I need to start packing. Maybe I will get busy on that this weekend. I’m not terribly optimistic about it, but it could happen…

I feel lonely. I feel like I can be in the middle of a crowded room and still feel completely alone. Yesterday several of my students touched me to try and get my attention and I freaked out. I started chanting, “Don’t touch me.” I walked out of the classroom to calm down before I could handle them again.

I didn’t get pictures. By an hour into the day I wasn’t feeling very princess-y anymore. 🙁

I need to figure out how to challenge my students more. I feel like I am sucking.

Therapy went well I suppose. She is a very active, action oriented person and I appreciate that. She immidiately recognized some concrete ways that both of us will have to adapt if we are to stay together and made no bones about it. I’m scared though.