At least this one isn’t going to my absolute entire friends-list. Just you special people.

I suppose my opinions are twisted by having “grown up” in the bdsm/alternative sexuality community. I have this little thing called respect for other people. I believe that when I am dealing with adults I need to allow them to make their own decisions and direct their own life–because that is what being a grown up is about. I believe that if I want to allow people the autonomy to live on their own, decide who they date, etc that I need to allow them the autonomy to decide when and how they are going to play. This does not mean that I have to be happy about the decisions that they are making, but I need to stay out of it because it isn’t my call. Early in my scene career I would leave the play space when watching scene’s where I was not ok with what was happening. I would never have interrupted a scene though. It was not my call. Even as a DM I have never interrupted a scene because it was too edgy and squicked me. I believe that would be far more inappropriate than anything people are doing. I have no right to inflict my morals or ethics on anyone else.

The rumors are flying fast and furious. Given my state of mind it isn’t a good idea for me to really clear them up because I will announce some things publicly that some people would prefer remain private. I will say: whatever you were thinking was going to happen was probably wrong. You were making judgments about things that you don’t understand. If you claim to have any respect for the people who were involved then you would have respected their right as adults to make their own decisions. But no. No one had any fucking respect. Instead, the morality police showed up and decided that the participants were evil and wrong and had no right to make such decisions about their lives. You know what? Fuck every single one of you. You didn’t help. Yeah, you got the event cancelled. Fucking congratulations. Now, there have been months of stress around a very emotional event and instead of having a healing event take place that would have been a god damn big deal, there is so much anger and frustration that it is absolutely overwhelming. I am so glad that you all got your way about enforcing your morals. Just because something is outside your realm of experience, just because something would be bad for you does not make it bad or immoral and it is pathetic and pissy and immature of you to imply that your standards have to apply to the world.

I really should stop now.

Oh I should be fair. Not everyone was a pathetic twat. There are a few reasonable people out there. Just not enough.

I used to think that the bdsm scene was pretty drama filled and ridiculous. Yeah. Compared to the shit I have seen in the last year–it ain’t nothing. I am so sick of the histrionics and posturings and bullshit that seem to be fucking par for the course with most of the people I know these days.

I think I might be either crawling back to the scene or staying home for a while. I’m really sick of being jerked around.

Scene cancelled.

I am so angry I could spit nails.

I guess all the hysterical god damn emails filling my inbox can stop now.

http://www.twistedmonk.blogspot.com

Go read. There are two parts to the scene report up so far.

There were several big comments made on the last scary filter entry. I suggest reading them.

*hugs*

I am caught up on all of the bills I have been…not…looking at…

*sigh*

I have one event in the next month or so that I need to pay an entrance fee for. There is no way around it. I am not going to be eating out at all. I am not going to clubs for a while. Nada. If you love me and want to see me, don’t ask me to go out for lunch/dinner with you. I can’t do it this month. How about if we split groceries and one of cooks instead?

My Puppy left me this morning.

We were both quite upset.

I told him that we can handle three days without cracking. It isn’t as if three days is forever or as if Illinois is that far away. He is not going to the moon or anything.

It is going to suck when he goes to Nepal next month. 🙁

I need to post. I have been trying to find stuff that I have written about after care and regressing and I just can’t freakin find it. It is not to be located through lj or that other blog site. This is most frustrating.

The dinner conversation on Friday was very good. We went over most of the logistics of what we are going to do and when. I found out that there will be a person there that I hadn’t expected. Oh… uhm… ok. I had been told a while ago that she was going to be invited but it was never brought up again so I didn’t think she wanted to. Silly me apparently. It is fine. She will not be in the room while the scene is happening.

We discussed how we don’t want to have absolutely all the logistics worked out before the event because things need to be a surprise. Although my understanding is that it will not happen immidiately or too early in the trip because I will get to establish baseline.

Then there was major drama. The scene was almost cancelled. We did decide to go through with it, but it wasn’t an easy decision. It turns out that the person who is doing this with me is making a much bigger commitment to me than I had anticipated and I am quie grateful. This is such a scary thing and to find out that it is even a bigger thing than we thought is unnerving. There was also a minor drama with the person I didn’t know was coming. I believe it has been resolved and that she understands that I do indeed want her to come.

Aftercare stuff. I tried and tried to find reference to this. I even have an ljbook now so that I can search through the archive of my lj easily. Oh well.

This scene will require much more intense aftercare than usual. Puppy is going to show up around midnight. He asked and the other people involved in the scene gave consent as well. I think it will be good. I will almost certainly withdraw; it is SOP for me when I am upset. It is not a good idea to touch me without permission when I am like this. But asking to touch me is probably a good thing. I will probably hesitate before giving consent; tell me that you love me and I am safe. (Do you have any idea how odd it is to be able to dissect this about myself? This is freaky.) I will probably want to sit in laps and be rocked. I will want my hair stroked. I will have trouble talking, but it is important that you encourage me to talk. Give me gaps of air time in encouraging me to talk–it will be very hard to find the words that I need. I will probably start crying mid-sentence, stroke my hair until I can talk again. I know it will be hard to listen to what I am saying when you love me.

I am going to bring Ted and Edmund and Nighty-night and “security blankets” from childhood. I do not know if I am going to go little or if I am going to handle this as an adult. I really don’t. If I seem to be very regressive that won’t significantly change how you will want to treat me in this event anyway. I do specifically make the request that people speak somewhat softly and try to make sure your tone of voice is gentle. I am going to be very easy to scare. If I pull away from your touch, let me go and don’t take it personally. It will be so easy to overwhelm me. That being said, if I put my hand out even slightly, I am probably requesting touch and I won’t be good at doing so verbally.

I may have trouble being touched by men. It is not about whether or not I love you or trust you. I may want men to touch me more than usual. I don’t know yet.

Thank you. Thank you so much for being part of this on any level. Thank you for loving me. Four more days.

So this morning I wasn’t feeling too great about people in general.

When I got home this morning I walked next door to Don’s Body Shop to talk to them about possibly replacing my window. The fellow who runs it checked out several options and actually sent me to a competitor who is fixing my window this afternoon for rather cheap. It will be a tinted window, and so it will be out of place with the rest of my windows–but it will happen today and for a lot less money than I thought possible.

He is going to get cookies.

I am so grateful that there are such good people in the world.

So, yesterday I got up after 5 hours of sleep to go hiking. I thought this was not necessarily a smart idea, but I sucked it up. I really wanted to spend the day with Puppy. The hike was a blast and loads of fun. I am glad I went. I do wish that I had put sunblock on. I am one crispy critter.

Then we went over to the kinky flea. I didn’t see anything inspiring (shocker) but I did get to speak with friends. We tried to go out to dinner with a group of people, but dinner didn’t arrive before we had to leave so we contributed $20 towards some salad and some bread. I think he may have had some of the calimari as well. But I left hungry and grumpy. (It was Buca di Beppo’s–that is why us leaving didn’t matter.) I also spent most of waiting for dinner feeling grumpy because I didn’t appreciate the comment of, “Maybe they would think you were a good girl if you actually were one.” I felt crappy and I just wanted to leave then instead of sitting there for another 35 minutes.

We went to the kinky rape survivor’s discussion group. If I had been a better person I would have really read the message sent out and I would have known it was for survivor’s only and I wouldn’t have brought Puppy. The group decided they were ok with him staying though and I am so grateful that they did. The discussion bothered me far more than I thought it would. I realized how much some recent stuff has been bothering me. I realized that I haven’t been taking good care of myself and that I have been letting people do things to me that actually hurt me and I feel really bad as a result. The group is going to try to meet once a month, I think I am going to make it a priority to go.

After leaving the meeting we walked back to my car to find out it was broken into. My passenger window was smashed and his backpack was stolen. Nothing else, thank goodness. I had a bag full of rope worth more than $250 in the car and I still have it and all my books. I wouldn’t have been able to replace them all. But now I get to replace my window. 🙁

Later in the evening Puppy and I had a long conversation about D/s and our relationship. Based on some of the things I talked about in the group he said that he would like to have final say on who I can play with. I haven’t decided how I feel about that yet. I told him reasons that I think it is a bad idea and reasons that I like the idea, but it is still up in the air. He specifically wants people to have to come talk to him before they do anything with me. I think that would be awkward for people I have been playing with for 5 years. 🙁 But many good things were talked about as well. We are still in discussion.

Then we took a bath together and he combed my hair and we slathered Aloe Vera all over one another. That was much soothing goodness. I had trouble falling asleep. I kept getting scared and crying and waking myself up when I would start to drift off. He pulled me close and held me against him and it got better. I eventually did sleep.

I am still under-slept from the weekend though. And I am emotionally raw from a lot of things. And I am really upset about my car. Fixing it is going to hurt financially right now. 🙁 I have no choice but to suck it up though.

I’m on my way to talk about being raped.

I can feel my throat closing up already.

I am wearing tough girl camo pants and a shirt that says, “If you can read this you’re too close.” It is my attempt at levity considering the situation. I wonder if it will help.

Today I have made chocolate chip cookies and dough for sugar cookies (it has to set in the fridge for a while–they will be made tonight) and cinammon rolls.

I have done 3 loads of laundry and folded a fourth.

I have had really good sex and a productive relationship conversation.

I have also told someone off for misrepresenting something that I wrote in a private forum in another public forum.

Oh, and I cleaned my shower and finished picking up my room. Now I am going to go start the Evil task of going through paper work before I head down to dinner with two of my favorite men in the whole world.

For the record: this is what “nesting” looks like.

He thinks I’m just being nice. He doesn’t realize that I have skillfully planned this situation. I am not just doing his laundry. I am holding it hostage. See. He has to come back to my house now cause he has no clothes at his house.

He just doesn’t understand.

“I am your worst nightmare. A redneck with a microphone.”

“You seemed so much softer in class today. You said about the same thing you have said before, but I wasn’t afraid of you. Are you in a good mood?”

“She is so mean! All the time….” “Hey! I am still standing here!”

“I met his new girl at the munch. You are So Much Smarter than her.”

“Why don’t you just bring your laundry to my house? That way we can make cookies while you do it.” “Why would I drag my laundry all the way to your house? That would be silly.” “It would be free.” “HELL YEAH! Let’s go.”

So. I have occasionally mentioned in small settings that I have an interest in teaching abroad when I finish school next year. I was wondering if anyone could give me pointers on this. I have begun doing research on the possibilities that exist and it looks like Asia may be the best idea. Japan is looking very interesting. I know that some of you have connections with people who are currently teaching in Japan. Is it possible for me to get contact info?

Uhm. Life is interesting. I wonder where it is going to take me…

“Though much of Iceland is covered with snow, glaciers, and lava plateaus, the town of Hveragerdi is graced with greenhouses where geothermal energy is harnessed to grow bananas. You remind me of this oasis, Virgo. Though you’re surrounded by what might be described as a barren wasteland, you yourself are a warm, nurturing source of fertility. No matter how inhospitable it might get outside of your circle in the next two weeks, you should just keep growing.”

Fellow Virgos: it doesn’t suck to be us this week.

Me: I spend entirely too much time worrying about how the stuff is arranged on the door of the fridge.

Miss Jenny: You are cute when you’re anal.

Me: *blink* *blink*

Miss Jenny: Not when you are doing anal!

Why include DXM? I do not take this question to be negative from either of you who asked. You both love me a LOT and you are worried about me. I am not going to threaten to with hold information because you are showing me how much you worry about me.

Why. Why indeed. For a few reasons. Dosage first: I will probably be taking the same dose I took last time to get to third plateau. I know what that feels like and I think that is where I need to get to.

Why do I want to be raped in conjuncture with a disassociative? Well, for one thing because it will be real. If the person involved were to just force me to have sex in a clear state of mind I would be very aware the entire time of how much I trust and love this person and I would be aware that he was doing it because I asked him to. Yes, I know it will be real. That is the point. However, when you say that there will be new memories of new trauma–I think you aren’t quite understanding how the memory works in such situations. There will be new memories of trauma, but they will not be of the same type I have from my childhood. It isn’t possible to form those sorts of coherent memories in that state. This is going to be one of the most terrifying things that has ever happened to me. I choose it for that reason.

I know there is the possibility of a psychotic break. I am taking the risk very consciously and deliberately. I am also putting in place safe guards. I am setting up the situation so that I can be taken care of when it is over. We are meeting to talk about it in advance so that we can discuss what will happen and how. There will be some measure of control in the back of my brain, even as I am unable to stop it and I am not really in a stable place.

I know that you love me. I know that you are worried. Thank you so much for being concerned. It will be ok. I know what I want out of this. I have a very strong mind and consciousness and I truly believe that I will be able to handle the outcome. I have survived far worse in my past–this will not break me. This time I will have people who love me who will take care of me. (Not constantly, I am not expecting that much from anyone.) It will be ok. Progress can be made in baby steps or in huge leaps. I am not good at baby steps.

Has anyone else gotten an email like this?

Dear customer,
due to concerns, for the safety and integrity of the Internet Banking community we have issued this warning message. It has come to our attention that your account information needs to be updated due to inactivity.

If you could please take 5-10 minutes of your online experience and renew your records you will not run into any future problems with the online service. However, if you choose to ignore our request, you leave as no choice but to temporary suspend your account.
Please use the link below to access our mainframe database verification system and confirm the information we have on file for your account.

https://secure.regionsnet.com/EBanking/logon/user

Note: Requests for information will be initiated by Regions Business Development; this process cannot be externally requested through Customer Support.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact our customer support department any time at:
– support@regions.com

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and appreciate your assistance in helping us maintain the integrity of the entire system.

Sincerely,
Regions Bank Management.

Hey pervs, you will like this: http://www.iron-rose.com/marketplace/keynote.htm