Category Archives: Uncategorized

Reflection about Tom

Last night I did something that scared the ever-lovin-shit out of me. I went to the second Saturday party that I’ve been going to forever and ever. Well, at least since I was 18. ๐Ÿ™‚ Tom had his new girl. I knew he would be bringing his new girl. She is prettier than me. ๐Ÿ™ And she seems very nice. I didn’t really talk to her, but I thought I was doing well to even smile at her last night. I know I should be glad that he got to trade up, but it is hard.

I managed to keep it together for the two hours I was there. A friend asked me to play. There was just no way. It is going to be very hard to be happy and supportive of his new relationship, but damnit. I’ll manage. I love him very much and I want him to be happy. If she will make him happy, then that is what he should be doing right now.

He told me how much he has been looking forward to our Ireland trip together. We leave in 24 days. Oh my God that is soon. By the time we leave we will have been broken up for almost 5 months. That is a while. It is going to be very odd. I wonder how we will interact on the trip. I miss him so much. It will be hard to be at all distant during the trip.

He wants me to bring both Ted and Edmund along on the trip. He was very amused when I got excited about being able to bring more than just a backpack. Ok, so I was being a retard. Oh well.

ebbs and flows

After months of having as much sex as I could possibly have and basically no sm play… dude. Now I have had so many offers of sm play for the next few weeks that it is blowing my mind. The sex is slowing down to a trickle. I’m almost being monogamous. Dude. Have to fix that.

I have missed sm. I still don’t really have any D/s and I’m trying to be ok with that.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay kids!

These are the final overall grades for the kids for the unit:

87.75
66.65
72.55
79.7
83.85
60.65
66.95
81.9
88.45
82.4
84.2
92.55
90.15
94.45
78.95
46.95
89.85
87.15
92.9
84.6
69.55
72.55
86.85
78.15
90.9
92.1
81.1
96.15
91.35
86.15
85
87.1
88.85

The one really bad grade is the kid who didn’t turn in an essay (40% of the grade).

Since I’m posting instead of sleeping anyway.

I wasn’t in the mood to do it, but I passed a place selling Christmas trees on my way home and I stopped and got one. It is a nice tree. It took me forever to get it into the house from my car. Depression is seriously kicking my ass right now.

Eventually it got inside and I slowly put lights on it. By this point Miss Jenny arrived home. We got out our decorations and did the rest of the tree together and put stuff up around the house. It was good. We also talked about the drama. She pointed out that she hasn’t asked me to do anything. I know. I have this little problem with feeling like I am responsible for other people’s well being. >:-| Not so good I know. Thank you for the reminder ribbin. I don’t think I am going to do anything else to try and resolve the situation. I can’t get anything from it but feeling bad, so I should stay away from it.

I got in some badly needed snuggles tonight. Oh crap! I left my food there! (I just realized this. I’m sorry you guys! I didn’t mean to! I was kinda sleepy and out of it when I stumbled out…)

I’m not all better, but I’m working on it. Baby steps.

I hurt my mother this morning. She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was upset and frustrated because I don’t know what I’m doing for Christmas now. She said in a very small voice that I could go there. Things with my family are better than they have ever been, but I think most of that is because I avoid them so deliberately and frequently. Christmas with them is never what I want from Christmas. I dislike hurting her though. ๐Ÿ™

If I am a very good girl tomorrow I will do all the research for my annotated bibliography tomorrow between teaching and class. (I have like 3 hours to find 13 sources that talk about the cultural impact of fairy or folk tales.) I can start writing the annotations tomorrow night while I do laundry. I also need to drop off dry cleaning. I need to write the paper for my lit presentation tomorrow as well. I would really like to finish both assignments tomorrow so that I can concentrate on grading papers on Friday and over the weekend. Then I can do my summary paper (about student teaching) on Monday. Then I can do my beyond lesson on “Romeo and Juliet” on Tuesday after class. Then I can finish my huge monster lesson plan assignment on Tuesday and Wednesday and finish that paper by Friday and email it to the teacher. Then I will be done for the semester. (Oh, and don’t forget dancing at Dickens Fair this weekend. And going shopping for food for that. And James’ office Christmas party Saturday. I just sent an email canceling the dinner I was going to have with a friend on Friday. Not this weekend.)

Who has pity for me? Lets see how much sleep I get during the next week. *flop*

Affirmations Meme

Saying and hearing nice things is good for the soul.

Say something nice about me.
I’ll say something nice about you.

And then post this meme in your own journal, so your friends can say nice things about you, and you can say nice things about them.

Hey ya’ll let’s share the love.

hurting

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I am a stupid petty bitch.

Roots

I have a pathological attachment to people who matter to me. I hold on to friends for long after they fit with my life. Why in the hell do I still know Brittney? Why do I love Anna so much? Why am I letting so much go now?

It seems as though this year has been about leaving things behind. I have found new people to bond with. The dance community; I’m starting to find burners as well. I haven’t been spending much time with the bdsm crowd. I rarely see my theatre friends. I have somehow reconnected with people I knew in high school though in a peripheral way.

I feel like this has been a year of beginnings and endings. Dancing, bdsm, relationships, friendships….

I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m not feeling dependable or stable. And it hurts.

Sharing.

1. Age: 23
2. Gender: Female
3. Highest grade of school completed: B.A.
4. Racial/Ethnic background: White
5. Sexual Orientation: Bisexual
6. Have you ever been legally married to a man? No
Are you legally married now? No
7. Have you ever been sexually attracted to a woman/to women? Yes
If yes, at what age were you first attracted? 5
8. Have you ever had sex with a female? Yes
If yes, how old were you when you had your first genital sex with a female? 7
9. How many female sexual partners have you had in all? 14
How many female sexual partners have you had in the last year? 6
Of your female sex partners, how may were also romantic/love relationships? 2
10. Have you ever been sexually attracted to a man/to men? Yes
If yes, at what age were you first attracted? 5
11. Have you ever had sex with a male? Yes
If yes, how old were you when you had your first genital sex with a male? 12
12. How many male sexual partners have you had in all? 44
How many male sexual partners have you had in the last year? 19 (I include people with whom I only have oral sex.)
Of your male sex partners, how may were also romantic/love relationships? 9 (And this is a liberal definition of romantic relationship. Relationships that have lasted more than 6 weeks: 5.)
13. Think of all the sexual attractions you’ve had, whether you had sex with them or not.
Were they to:Both men and women
14. Think of all the sexual attractions you’ve had IN THE LAST YEAR.
Were these attractions to: Both men and women
15. Have you ever had any of the following diseases or conditions? Please check any you have EVER had:
Abnormal Pap Smear
Genital warts (HPV)
Now please check any that are STILL problems: (I’ve been in the clear for just shy of two years.)
16. Have you ever participated in any of these sexual activities with women?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other (Anything I can think of.)
17. Have you ever participated in any of these sexual activities with men?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Penis in vagina
Penis in rectum
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other (Anything I can think of.)
18. The following is a list of sexual problems women can have. Please place a check next to each of them that you have ever had on an ongoing basis (more than occasionally):
Pain during vaginal penetration
Trouble lubricating
Sex not pleasurable, even if it is not painful
Feel anxious about sexual performance
Feel guilty about sex
Feel more desire than partner
19. About how often do you have sex with another person? One or more times per week
20. About how often do you masturbate? One or more times a week
21. On average, how often do you think about sex? More than once a day
22. Do you identify with the kink/leather/BDSM community? Yes
23. Do you consider yourself polyamorous (participate in ‘open relationships’)? Yes
24. Where would you put yourself on the following scale? Somewhat “femme”
25. Are you currently in a primary relationship? No
Please answer the following questions only if you are currently in a primary relationship:

(I didn’t answer any, but I left the possibilities up here for ya’ll to see.)
26. How long have you been in your current relationship (in years)?

27. Do you live together? Yes No

28. In the last year, about how often did you and your partner have sex? Select One Once a day or more One or more times per week One or more times per month Less than once a month Never

29. How often do you have sex only because your partner wants it? Select One Rarely/never Occasionally Often Mostly/always

30. When you have sex, how often do you start without feeling sexual desire, but then feel desire later, once you “get into it”? Select One Rarely/never Occasionally Often Mostly/always

31. When you and your partner have sex, do you usually orgasm? Yes No

32. When you and your partner have sex, does your partner usually orgasm? Yes No

33. How emotionally satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

34. How sexually satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

35. How physically affectionate is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

36. Overall, how satisfying is your relationship? Select One Extremely Moderately Slightly Not at all

37. How long does a typical sexual encounter with your partner last? Select One less than 10 minutes 10-30 minutes 30-60 minutes More than 1 hour

38. Which of the following sexual activities are likely to occur in a typical sexual encounter with your partner?
Kissing/Deep kissing
Touching, caressing, and rubbing bodies
Touching genitals
Receiving oral sex
Giving oral sex
Penis in vagina
Penis in rectum
Finger(s) in vagina
Finger(s) in rectum
Use of dildos, vibrators, other sex toys
Spanking
Bondage
Other BDSM
Other

39. During this relationship, have you had outside sexual partners? Yes No
If yes, pick one: Female Male Both
If yes, did your partner know about and agree to this outside sex? Yes No

40. How many children live in your household, if any?

————————————————————————–
I found this at: http://www.ipgcounseling.com/survey.html I encourage women to go take it.

Amazing response.

I just turned someone down for a date. His response:
“I’m sorry, but not surprised, to hear that you are busy. I realize it is kind of the last minute, but I thought I’d give it a shot before everyone was wrapped uo in the holidays. I won’t make the offer explicitly again but you have a rain check. Just let me know when you’d like to cash it.”

Nothing pushy or whiny or guilt tripping in that.

If I ever have spare time, he is so getting a call.

titles

I have decided that James is my Daddy-type person. He isn’t my Daddy. That would require negotiations. I can hijack him into the Daddy-type person role without his consent though.

Noah is still my wonderful, patient, long-suffering boyfriend. It is amazing that he is putting up with my shit.

Cabin Fever

I just couldn’t handle staying home anymore last night. So I went out. I went to the poly pool party for a bit. Very few of the usual suspects (you know, the ones I flirt with) were there. I stayed in the pool for about 40 minutes. Then I got out, got dressed and went to a birthday party.

I didn’t have any alcohol. I didn’t do much of anything naughty at all. Well, except for sitting on someone’s lap and making out most of the night. But he got sick with strep on Monday too. We’ve been on antibiotics the same length of time. So I don’t worry about it. Mmmmm yummy kissing. {insert hearts here}

I like my friends.

Now I get to go do workshops. I will continue to sit very still all day though. No feeling pukey or splodey.

Update: cause I feel like it.

uhm, so I’m no longer feeling ubercrappy.

Yay.

But this means I am getting major cabin fever.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I have been such a good girl today. I’ve done a bunch of the homework I have to get done. Yeah know, all this stuff that is due Monday that I should have done like 3 weeks ago but I procrastinated. oops. But yeah. I will turn it in on time. ๐Ÿ™‚ Cause I’m slick like that. My lesson plan is almost done. (Dude. You can hit google with “lesson plan” and Inferno and find awesome stuff and then I don’t have to reinvent the wheel. or the lesson plan. Go me.)

I might be semi-naughty and go to the birthday party tonight. But I will be only semi-naughty cause I will sit still and not be overactive and make myself feel icki again.

OhMyGosh

A friend, who is much smarter than me today–well, pretty much any day but especially today, helped me ‘weight’ the questions.

I now have weighted percentages for stuff.

Satyrlovesong: will you marry me? ๐Ÿ™‚

More in class doodling

What Iโ€™m looking for.

A person who:
Dances or wants to learn how (couple dancing as well as club dancing), likes dressing up, eats omnivorously, hates onions, reads for pleasure, watches little tv, like movies, likes kids and wants to have them, is Dominant, has a sadistic streak, tells silly jokes, rides a motorcycle, is patient, likes bondage, thinks sex is wonderful and should be shared fairly freely, prefers cats to dogs, likes to travel, has a reasonable attitude towards country music, encourages me to cook, has a sweet smile, wants to be my Daddy, can teach me about many new things, thinks 65 is a recommendation not a limit, will sing along with me in the car, likes Disney and Pixar movies, cries during war movies, works hard but knows that a job is not their whole life, wants to talk to me on the phone, understands that I am a Princess, looks good in a kilt, likes being active, likes spending a lazy Sunday in bed, is bloody brilliant, has many practical skills, is generally a happy person, is at least supportive of me believing in God, likes giving massages, is punctual, has high expectations of me, likes sleeping with Ted and Edmund and Nighty-Night, wants to stroke my hair when Iโ€™m sick, but mostlyโ€ฆ Iโ€™m looking for someone to love me.

RANT

If you think I have any reason to want to rant about you lately, you might not want to read this. Because I am going to rant about just about everyone and everything right now. Iโ€™ve been holding this all in and it is starting to drive me crazy. Add in the fact that I am ill and feel massively shitty and you have a girl who is just so fucking sick of taking the high road that it is not even funny.

bitch bitch bitch bitch