# I’ve written before, in one of these memes I’m sure, about my first impression of you in Rob’s fiction class oh those several years ago. So I was wondering. Was it my writing or me that first made an impression on you, and how has that impression altered over the years?

Well, your writing marked you as “weird” and therefore more likely to be someone I could get along with, but it was more about you. You are a kind of smart I desperately admire and feel inferior to. You were very nice to me and most people in the MA program looked down their noses at me; I was very grateful. It hasn’t actually changed much. 🙂 You are still a kind of smart I desperately admire and feel inferior to. I deeply admire how focused you are on your writing and I feel like there is no way I could ever do it.

# Do you think you’ll ever go back to teaching, and if so, under what conditions?

This weighs heavily on my mind. I don’t know for sure. When my kids are old enough to basically take care of themselves during the day (maybe 10 or 12?) I would like to go back to working with at-risk kids on a part-time basis. At that point when Noah is working from home they can do independent work for the day. It’s in the back of my mind as something I would really like to pursue. I miss being able to convince kids with low self esteem that they have potential. It made me feel like I was actually doing something good for the planet.

# Same as question 5 above: Where do see Shanna in twenty years? What possible futures have you envisioned for her?

Honestly I have no idea. I’m semi-hopeful that she will be in college or about out of college but if she doesn’t want to pursue that it’ll be ok. I’m trying very very very hard not to push her in any direction. If she wants art or science or music or math or nature or whatever else I will do my best to facilitate her following her passion. I suppose that what I really envision is that she has found something that excites her and she is working towards that.

# You’ve always struck me as someone who gets along with a lot of people, very open about a lot of things, and yet you can be intensely private. What would you say were your criteria for real friends as opposed to people you just like talking to?

heh. This may offend people, but oh well. I’m not sure I understand what “real friends” are. The longer my life goes on the more convinced I am that no one is going to be there for me. Part of the reason I am so comfortable talking about my stuff in public ways is because I am not talking for anyone else’s benefit I am talking for my own benefit. Talking out loud helps me process. I am intensely private because every one I have ever “tried out” to see if they are trustworthy has let me down at a crucial point. Now I only share the things I don’t need any real support about. It plays into my fierce hatred of advice actually. Most of the people who give advice have no intention of being support if their advice goes terribly wrong. Granted, in most situations there isn’t a way for the advice to go terribly wrong, but my feelings stand. It’s similar to why it is so hard for me to do really heavy bdsm play anymore; I don’t trust anyone to help me on the road back to me.

So yeah. I think my criterion are maybe unrealistic and therefore I don’t really know what “real friends” are. I’ve been let down too often.

# How much of what I’ve asked here could be found with a little patience and a detailed search of your live journal?

Probably very little. Maybe the stuff about Shanna. I carefully consider what I reveal and I try not to hurt anyone’s feelings, including my own. I’m very scared and uncertain about teaching. I feel like there is a hole in my heart so I’m not talking about it much–revealing an actual vulnerability is dangerous. I don’t want people to start telling me I should put my kid in daycare and go back to teaching. And there are a few people who are going to feel bad when I say that everyone has let me down. It is going to cause them to feel defensive, maybe they will express it to me and maybe they won’t–but it will change the nature of our interactions.

1. Teaching was such a part of your life, what, besides the Banana takes
its place?

At the moment, nothing. It’s very hard. I miss it. I feel like part of my identity was taken away and I don’t know what to do about it yet. When she gets older and needs less time with my boobs I plan to volunteer but it’s hard to go work with other children when my child demands so much attention.

2. What are your plans around the interaction of being freaky
and having children, focusing on how it impacts the children. (short
version)

It’s uhm, complicated. Well sorta. I don’t intend to involve her in any way so hopefully there will be no direct interaction. 😀 That said, I don’t plan to pretend I never have sex or that my sex is all missionary position. I know multiple people who have good luck with saying, “There is stuff in this cabinet you don’t want to see. I’m not saying that because I want to keep you out of it. I’m saying that because it will make you want to wash your brain out with acid because you don’t want to think of your parents that way. If you choose to snoop that’s your problem; don’t come whine to me.” Of course this is after many years of doing my best to keep her from finding things accidentally.

3. What would you change in your life that was going on five
years ago or so.

Hm. Five years ago. Five years ago I was just starting to practice poly and I was having a rather fun relationship with a neat guy. I was dancing like crazy. I was in really good physical shape. Five years ago was awesome. But six years ago sucked. What I would change about six years ago was feeling like my life was over because I had HPV.

4. Given the opportunity to study with any writer for a
summer, you pick the location, the time and the writer, who, when, where
and why? 🙂

Amusingly, I wouldn’t pick a writer who was all that interesting. I would probably go visit one of my trash novelist favorites like Jude Deveraux or Betrice Small or Diana Gabaldon or Jacqualine Carey and ask them for help with making my characters more approachable. Right now all of my writing is very personal and I’m not all that friendly of a person so my characters aren’t either.

5. If you had the ability to completely imprint an experience
of yours into the minds/hearts of people around you, what would it be?

I had a student, I’m going to call him Norbert because his real name is just about equally as horrid, and Norbert was a young black man. He was in a gang because everyone in his family was in a gang. He was treated like crap by pretty much everyone on campus because he was a “loser with no potential.” I adored Norbert. We dealt with one another extremely well. He was more willing to do more work work for me than I think he had ever done in his life. One day he came to class in a terrible mood, cussing, being casually violent, and just generally spoiling for a fight. After he tried to provoke a couple of fistfights in class I told him to get out and go sit on the bench outside of class. When I walked outside and sat down next to him I said, “What is going on? You are very angry about something and it has nothing to do with me or my class–so what is it?” He blustered for a bit before he started crying. My big, tough, adult-looking boy started crying. His cousin was shot that weekend. He was scared and grieving and he had no space for that in his life so he had to be mean.

I was never one to be particularly afraid of large black men because they’ve been pretty gentle with me all of my life, but after that experience it goes a bit farther. I wish that everyone around me could get past the “scary” feelings they have about black men and see that they might be terrified like anyone else.

Rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me” or something of an equally pithy nature.
2. I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature. Be warned!
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions, or there will be trouble.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions.

I will promise questions to the first 5 people; after that, it will depend on my interest/energy/etc. I will also promise answers to the first five people who want to ask me questions.

1. How did you meet your charming husband?

At a party at his house. I came to the party as boy A’s date hoping to also flirt with boy B and ended up in the kitchen at one point pinned between boy B and the lovely host. Boy A was less than thrilled. Luckily he does still like me and is a good friend.

2. What minor superpower would you love to have?

Hey–I make milk, that is a superpower. 😉 I’m not sure if this counts as minor, but I would love to fly. I fly in my dreams nearly constantly.

3. What aspect of yourself do you feel others really misunderstand?

People think I am far more hostile than I intend to be. My tone of voice often really sucks and I have worked very hard on that. I find that people often tell me, “When I first met you I thought you were a total bitch, but then I got to know you and figured out that you are actually a really neat person.” That always makes me cringe because who likes being told that they make terrible first impressions all the time? How many people haven’t bothered to try and get to know me because of first impressions *sigh*

4. What one aspect of motherhood has most surprised you?

I may get a shoe thrown at me for this. I thought it would be harder. I expected to have post-partum depression and instead my mood has been better/more positive than ever in my life. I thought I would feel more resentment about her constant neediness but I’ve had probably an hour total of her life where I needed a break or else. I thought breastfeeding was going to be difficult and it was simple and painless. I thought I was going to be sleep deprived and cranky and I tend to sleep better than I did before having her. I feel like my mommying instincts have totally worked out for me and I’m grateful.

5. How did you get onto the Internet?

Ha! That would be the lovely Ms aargnzarf allowing me to use her AOL account when we were in high school. I discovered cyber sex in chat rooms and I was hooked. *grin*