Category Archives: Uncategorized

Holy Shit.

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I had a parent call during 5th period. I told him I was in the middle of teaching and I would call back during lunch. His kid came in during the first 1-3 minutes of lunch and dropped off the essay that is due today. I called the parent back and the parent said that he is very concerned because the essay that is about to be turned in is very very disturbing. I said that I would read it right now and call back. So I did. Yeah, this essay is seriously disturbing. It is full of, “I hate everyone. There is no such thing as friendship. People will be better off if they are killed. I want to die because my life is pointless.” Nine fucking pages of this. With graphic descriptions of how people should be killed.

I called his father back to talk about it. The kid told his dad that school ended at noon today, but that was a lie. The kid told me when he dropped off the paper that he had an appointment and wouldn’t be in class. And he isn’t here.

The police have been notified. The school is looking for him. His father is calling every person who has ever known him.

I freaked out and put up posters covering my windows so you can’t see in from the outside. I usually keep my door unlocked so it can be opened without even turning the door handle and right now it is locked. My students are looking at me like I am crazy, but …

I can feel the adrenaline rushing. I didn’t really think I would have days like this at work.

hmmm anyone bored?

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I’m making the vocabulary final for my little darlings. I’m also working on making the book test. My brain is being very fried so I thought I would put this up here in case anyone is feeling bored.

Your challenge, should you choose to take it, is to create questions for the final. The test is going to be administered with a scantron for ease of grading. Make one question, five, the whole test… anything would be great. 🙂 The directions and words are below in the cut…

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{small filter} On edge

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Recently I had something happen which has lead me to feel very on edge and pissy and angry. I’m not handling it well. I am seething with rage over small and stupid things. I can’t hear anything without feeling like my nose is being rubbed in it (whatever the it is of that second). This is certainly a feeling I have had before, but it has been a while. This angry makes it hard to do anything at all. I’m pretty nervous about kids getting here in less than 20 minutes. I have to completely stuff this. I have to be cheerful and friendly and helpful and I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

The only way I know to get through this is to hold my breath and just wait for it to be over, but that is a lot harder when there is a lot I have to do. I am really angry with myself for reacting this way on top of having trouble with my emotions so it is just one big awful cluster fuck. Today I don’t like me, or much of anyone else. Please God, let today go quickly. This is really hurting.

Back at school.

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I got here a little early so I could put my head back on. It hasn’t worked well. I really don’t want to be here. Kids start arriving in my room in about 15 minutes.

I didn’t grade anything over the vacation. I did no prep work. I refuse to feel bad. 🙂 I have a pile about 8″ thick of grading to do and somewhere between 120 and 150 essays being turned in on Friday. These were written in class so they are very likely to actually turn this one in.

For the next 2-3 weeks my whole life is going to be my job. Vacation was great. I’m trying to convince myself that I actually like my job right now… The semester ends in 17 days. I have 22 days to turn in my grades. I wonder if I can have all the grading done in 15 days so that all I have to do at the end is add in the final? That would rock and allow me a 3 day weekend in January. Hmmmm. It would be nice.

I’m babbling to try and convince myself I can do this.

{dirtier} My life is your porn

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I kind of want to give a full, dirty, explicit description of what happened, but I’m tired. I got very little sleep. What I will say that this holiday season (I’m pretending that November is not part of the holiday season) was by far the raunchiest two weeks I’ve ever had. A terribly successful foursome was had. Much sex in public. All kinds of depraved things in the privacy of my bedroom including my first ever real live two boys in the lower bits sex.

Wow.

I’m sore.

Sarah asked…

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“What were the five most memorable moments for you in 2006? Happy, sad, weird – moments that stuck in your mind and flash by when you think of the year.”

1. Looking at Noah and for one split second being terrified that I was making a huge mistake but then realizing that no, being married by a Walrus really was for the best. (Ok, seriously: I had this moment where I knew I was absolutely making the right decision. It was wonderful.)
2. Meeting Noah’s parents. Ok, I’ve done it.
3. Having my best friend over for dinner and sitting on the floor eating it off of Hercules plates and getting into the juicy bits of our respective psyches’ and hearing him tell me, “I think you will say no but I will never forgive myself if I don’t ask. Will you marry me?” Ok, so given that this was Noah there were like 75 more words in that brief little sentiments and lots of repeating himself… but my memory is good at condensing. 🙂
4. When I was about 25 seconds into the agony of my first tattoo appointment when I stopped and went, “Holy shit. What the FUCK am I doing?!?!!!!!” I’m still working on it anyway.
5. Strangely I think the last one was on my trip to New York. That was my first serious trip like that alone. I got to be dependent only on myself in a way I have never been before. I was so terribly lonely for most of it–I am so needy when it comes to my support network. I’m going to mention specifically the desk guy at the hostel who developed a mad crush on me during that week of being in the building. 🙂 He was sweet.

Amazingly well written article.

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terpsichoros posted an article about Noka chocolate yesterday and I finally finished reading it. It is fairly long, but completely worth the time and energy. I am seriously impressed by the work of the author.

As a side note: Davisites! Is anyone interested in trying some of this chocolate? It is made by 7 young girls in Davis and I am interested in trying some. They will hand deliver in Davis and I think that is great. Oh, and for folks outside of Davis–it’s worth looking at anyway.

Free shit!

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🙂

Don’t you love Christmas vacation? Nothing to do but clean house, get rid of stuff, and post on lj. I’ll shut up again soon, I promise.

We have four prints that we would like to get rid of. The frames are about 6″ by 6″ square and in the center is a smaller kanji character. According to writing on the back they say: Laughter, Clarity, Love, and Energy. They have mottled colored backgrounds in the inner 3″ by 3″ square with black characters. They are actually nice looking but I am of the opinion that if I have to read the translation on the back and hope it is right, I shouldn’t have it up on my walls.

Anyone want them?

Horoscope Wednesday

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Virgo:
In Kabbalah, the tree of life is the primary symbol of the universe. In Norse mythology, the World Tree links heaven to earth and shelters all living things; beneath it lies a magical well with water that confers special powers on those who drink it. The ancient Chinese spoke of a peach tree that bore a single fruit once every three millennia, and provided immortality to anyone who ate it. In the mythic tradition of modern science, trees have a crucial role in maintaining the ecological health of the planet. I mention all this, Virgo, because in 2007 you’ll benefit tremendously from deepening your relationship with trees–both the actual and mythical kinds. Get to know them better. Learn from them. Plant some. Put a picture of a favorite tree on your altar. Hug one now and then.

Ironic considering the tattoo on my back. Also: hey Noah, remember telling me I could plant a tree?

And just to encourage your overwhelming laziness…
Gemini:
“Dear Rob: Did you ever hear of that monstrous experiment in which a monkey actually died from lack of touch? I often feel like that poor creature. For a while I thought I was being selfish to want more love, but now I’m sick of that idiotic intellectualized self-denial, and refuse to pretend I’m a self-sufficient saint who can go through life feeling a chronic grey bathwater haze of half-assed passion. Is there any hope? -Deprived Gemini.” Dear Deprived: Good news! The possibilitythat you’ll be inundated with love is higher in 2007 than it has been for years. Here are two tips to make it more likely that you’ll be inthe right places at the right times to capitalize: (1) Make yourself supremely lovable; (2) increase your capacity to give love.

Baby, I think you don’t have to worry about going out and finding it. Just keep being you.

Fine fine, Leo too:
My beautiful and talented Leo friend Alisha had a traumatic experienceearly in her romantic history. At age 17, she fell in love with the garbage man who hauled away her family’s trash every Saturday. Through her persistent efforts, the two of them started dating, even though her parents hated his surly vulgarity, his permanently dirty fingernails,and the fact that he couldn’t read. After a whirlwind affair, alas, he broke up with her. Ever since, even as Alisha has learned to make better choices, she has carried the tragicomic embarrassment of having been dumped by a mean, illiterate garbage man. But I predict that in2007 she’ll be healed: Delightful adventures in love will utterly expunge that old twinge. Moreover, I believe many of you Leos will find comparable romantic redemption.

Hm. I could make some comments on that one. I’ll be good though. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good……
EDIT–
And noirem mentioned her moon sign so I looked at mine too. It made me fall over laughing, so here you go Libra:
According to The Onion newspaper, the Catholic Church has abolished the traditional “blessed” status of the meek. The new official story is that the meek shall not inherit the earth. One Church official was quoted as saying, “Everything about the meek, from their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy.” I can’t confirm the accuracy of The Onion’s report, but it does underscore a point I want to drive home to you in 2007: It’ll be a favorable time for you to get tough with the docile, submissive aspects of your own psyche. Humility’s fine; that can stay. But you should take aggressive measures to lose any tendencies you might have to be passive. Capitalize on the fact that events in the coming months will help you tap into reserves of courage that have previously been inaccessible.

Dream

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I have had this dream off and on throughout most of my life. A brother figure (I don’t think he is one of my actual brothers) and I are playing in the woods somewhere and we manage to stumble into a witch. She keeps us prisoner but not in a completely malicious way. She has a daffy husband who is no help, but who does no harm who kind of tries to make things easier for us. She is evil, but I hurt her and punch her and lash out nearly constantly and she doesn’t punish me. Eventually she tells us there is a way out if we really want to leave her.

By this point my brother isn’t real enthused about leaving. The witch is far kinder to him. I think she doesn’t punish me to show him that she is wonderful and like a boy he is stupid enough to believe. We have to run to the far side of her land and find our way out through the right door in a house. There is no such thing as day or night in this land so we run and run and run and I don’t know how many days we run for. Sometimes my brother carries me because he is bigger and stronger but when he does the witch catches us. She runs with us the whole way to taunt us. We have the right to get to the house and she can’t stop us till there. But most of the time I pull at my brother to make him run faster and we leave her behind at least for a while.

Last night I got to the house. Sometimes I don’t. Last night when I opened the door into the house I found a hallway with three doors. I picked the door in the middle. This lead into another room with two doors and I picked the door on the right. When we got ‘outside’ the house on the other side it looked like a backyard. We hopped the fence to get out of the yard, but then there was another fence and we hopped that too. When we got to the ground it looked like a very generic suburban neighborhood. We started walking and my brother got real excited. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew we had picked wrong and i started screaming and throwing rocks at the windows of the houses.

Then the witch appeared and started taunting me. We were instantly back in her home area of her kingdom and she asked me if I was going to be stupid enough to try and leave again. Usually I have this dream over and over getting more and more frustrated with making the wrong decisions. I don’t really want to get into this cycle.

{my shit} And it begins

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This morning I had a chat with my nephew’s father. I’ve known the gentleman for oh… 19 years so it was a friendly chat. I apologized for calling him with such unpleasant reasons but he said that was ok. He found out that my nephew has been using at Thanksgiving and wasn’t sure what to do. I explained to him that due to the nature of my job I am actually legally required to call CPS. He then proceeded to tell me that technically he has full legal custody and he is willing to back me 100%. He has felt rather frustrated and unsure of what to do in the last month (he was always kind of a wuss) but he will be making an additional call to CPS today.

My sister has a long and sordid history with the law. Many drug offenses, both major and minor color her legal history. My understanding is that anything that will put her in front of a judge at this point is likely to put her in prison. I know she has been supplying many minor children with drugs and alcohol for the past few years and I am willing to bet that me turning her in is going to result in her going to prison. I believe her children deserve to be removed from the abusive and neglectful household. I am going to work very hard to ensure that this happens.

I have many mixed feelings about this, of course. This is going to sever completely whatever ties I have with my biological family–probably permanently. This being the second time I have turned a family member into the system to be held accountable for their actions. This will be viewed as entirely inappropriate behavior, and I’m ok with that. I really believe that this is the right thing to do.

My nephew has told his father and I that his mother is rarely ever at home. This is a continued pattern that has existed since their early childhood. I know well. When I was 15 she disappeared for the summer and only brought us groceries once a week. Other than that she was out partying. I don’t want to see my niece go down this road and I will do anything I can to prevent it. This is still very very hard.

*sigh*

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Just got back from dinner with my nephew. He was stoned off his ass. He was not entirely coherent. I told him, it isn’t that I have a problem with all drug use period, it is that a 17 year old habitually using drugs means that he has a problem.

Like mother, like son. 🙁

{dirtier} A meme rbus started

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He asked people to tell about a funny related to sex story. My story won’t be as funny as his, but it makes me giggle.

In the not too distant past when I was coasting back into the community after my hiatus while dating Puppy I was entertaining the idea of sleeping with lots of different people. I hadn’t done that much of it yet, I was still trying to decide who my next few conquests would be. Planning these things out is a good idea. There is a fellow in my local area who thinks Quite Highly of himself and he seemed to be deciding that I would soon be in his thrall. Near as I can tell, his MO is to push girls into having huge crushes and then string them on for quite a while. He only rarely actually sleeps with anyone. Ok, fair enough. I realized what he was doing after a month or so and decided I would *not* be one of his faithful groupies hoping for a look or some action.

The next time I saw him, after deciding to fuck with him, we started doing the hot and heavy making out thing we had been doing and just as things started to get very feverish and he was likely to pull away soon I pushed him off of me and said, “Enh–you aren’t going to follow through so I am done for now. Thanks!” I turned and walked away. About 15 feet away I turned to look at him. His mouth was hanging open in shock. He looked dumbfounded that someone had played his game on him. I laughed and kept going.

This game kept going pretty much until I stopped this last phase of slutting around. He kept trying and trying and trying to get me to be more engaged and fall for him and I just wouldn’t. That was fun. 🙂

[side note: I was in a craptastic mood this morning but a few hours of sex and all of a sudden I’m in a great mood!]

Love drama.

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In other news, I’ve been talking to Tom more. After the fairly disasterous dinners we have been talking via IM and talking about some of the actual problems we have had and why they have existed. It’s good. The funny part is, at least a small piece of this was motivated by his most recent ex finding out that someone is friends with me and getting bitchy about it. I went and asked Tom WTF and he is confused too.

Love when people strongly dislike me enough to talk shit about me when they have never had a conversation with me. I want to be mature like that when I grow up!

Oh yeah, Christmas

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It is in oh…54 hours. Maybe I should put more information out. Ok, so I was kicked in the backside and told to do so.

Our idea is to sit around the house and eat leftovers (no guarantee on how much food we will have), open pressies, watch silly movies, be snarky. I promise no more than this. We would like it if people did not arrive before 10. No clue as to when we will want to kick people out cause I’m on vacation and Noah took the 26th off.

Uhm… if you want to bring food/drink feel free to call and ask us what we have/don’t have. You are not required to bring food or drink, but if you whine about our lack of food I will be directing you to a local Chinese restaurant and you will be required to bring me back chow fun.

#: 510-770-1590
43167 Newport Dr.
Fremont, CA. 94538

I have 4 RSVPs so far. It would be awesome if other people would tell me BEFORE you show up. 🙂