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It’s creepy when it makes sense.

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Rob says:
The 5.5 million people who live in Papua New Guinea speak 820 different languages, or one per every 6,707 people. Two villages within an hour’s walking distance of each other may use utterly different tongues. The situation there has a certain metaphorical resemblance to the current state of your fate, Virgo. The various parts of your world aren’t communicating with as much fluidity and frequency as they should be. Your job in the coming weeks is to serve as a master translator, spreading understanding among them. It’s time to unite the fragments.

Seriously creepy. Yeah. My life isn’t working well this week. Damnit.

Oh, I’m liable to be posty today unless this training gets more interesting. 🙂

Running on empty

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I have worked 41 hours in the past 3 days. I have 24 hours of training over the next 3 days and grading to do.

My house is messy. It is stressing me out.

I keep freaking out about personal things that I shouldn’t freak out about. I’m such a mess.

I feel like I am drowning right now. I know things will get better, but getting through the next couple of weeks is going to be brutal.

I keep getting angry about things and people in my personal life. I kind of like that I get to hide behind my job and not deal with people. There are a few people in particular right now whom I would cheerfully bash over the head with a pool stick. It isn’t so much what they have done as just that they exist and I am sick of dealing with them. Unfortunately, said activity would have negative repercussions on my social life. Fuck.

Perspective

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I can describe my life right now and say, “I go to work. I grade papers. I go to trainings. I get up way too early in the morning. I hardly ever see my friends. I spend most of my spare time working or cleaning house.”

And it’s all true. It just sounds like so much more of a downer than my life feels like. I’m working 6 days a week and usually 9-11 hour days. (Weekend training can be as short as about 4 hours. Whoo hoo!) No matter how much time I put into my job there is an infinite amount of work left to do. I vacilate hard between feeling like I am doing a good job and feeling like I am not doing as much as my kids deserve. But my comp & lit kids are doing more work than anyone has seen this kind of group do in years. My juniors are feeling challenged but they aren’t drowning. That is the balance I am searching for. I have unit plans in place for this entire grading period and that makes me feel really good. I have a lot of grading to do, but I am more up to date on it than anyone else in my department so I can’t really feel too bad about it.

I spend most of my time at home, this means I get to spend most of my time with Noah! I am continually blown away by how wonderful he is. Does this mean we always get along? Of course not–I’m a pain in the ass. But he puts up with me cheerfully and helps me figure out why I’m feeling out of sorts which means that hopefully we are making progress towards less-cranky. It’s a goal.

Our house is coming along. He is surprised at how much organizing I have done so far. Yay for kitchens with food in them! 😉 I’m really happy about the nesting process. We have probably a month or two more of work before we can start painting given that I only have a day a week to work on stuff. I’m hoping that I can do lots of work during Christmas break. It would be good.

I’m busy, stressed, tired, and happy. I guess that is all I can ask of life.

Weird and conflicted

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My sex drive goes in waves. I realize that it does for everyone, but mine seems to peak higher than most peoples’. And my low tends to be near some peoples’ high.

Right now it is just nuts. I want sex *all* *the* *damn* *time*. Even at school it is hard to keep my mind off of it. Yes, I am having lots and lots of good sex. But I want probably 2-3 x’s as much. I want to be fucked hard. I want to be held down and used. I want to be beaten. I want to be tied up and left to writhe in my agony. I want…

It is strange. Cause it isn’t like I am doing without.

Not quite a weekend.

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Friday I came home from work and fell asleep within 20 minutes. So my Noah settled in for an evening of WoW. I don’t blame him, but given how little sleep I got all last week I was kind of cranky when I woke up two hours later and he continued playing for two hours after I woke up. Enh, such is life. I feel really guilty when I am cranky but we usually end up talking about good stuff. He rocks so hard.

Saturday I got up at my normal 6am. I got dressed and went off to a work training in a fairly serious bad mood. It did turn into being probably the best training I have ever gone to so by 20 minutes in I was over my unhappiness. I got some really good stuff. After the training I went to my school and did cleaning, organizing and lesson planning all day. My cutie baby came and spent time in the room with me and we got to talk a little. He rocks! After grading papers I got to chaperone a dance. At the dance many of my kids were total jerks and I felt very disappointed in their behavior. 🙁 So today I have been talking to the kids and telling them why their behavior wasn’t cool. They are taking the lecture pretty well.

Sunday we cleaned house and did grocery shopping. Noah did a *fabulous* job of cleaning the refrigerator. 🙂 It was awful. Our kitchen is about as blacksheep_lj modified as it is going to get and boy howdy am I grateful. 🙂 We were totally dead by 8 and struggled to stay up till 9 so I wouldn’t wake up too terribly early this morning. With the addition of 5-htp (my moods have sucked lately) I had some really awesome dreams. I rescued my “sister” (not my actual sister but some person who was my sister in the dream) from a middle eastern prison by suspending myself from a high window and lowering myself to the room she was in. (For some reason they used a high rise building as a jail. I think it wasn’t a real prison but she was a political prisoner in some random government building.) It was cool. In another dream I was wandering around a city in Africa with karenbynight and she was pregnant. That was really odd. I know I had a few other odd dreams but I can’t remember them right now.

And this morning I got to wake up and talk to my mother-in-law. She drops hostile comments about Noah into the conversation at various points and that makes me sad. Stuff like, “All of us did cartwheels when he moved out of state and we hope he never comes back,” and, “His brothers are so glad they don’t have to deal with him daily anymore,” and they really made me sad. 🙁 I’m going to think about how best to let her know I don’t want to listen to her slam Noah. If she dislikes him so intently maybe we shouldn’t come back at all? 🙁 I know he is so incredibly wonderful that I feel sorry for her that she doesn’t know.

It’s a day.

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Boy howdy. I woke up a serious Mrs. (holy shit) CrankyPants. Wait… does that make Noah Mrs. CrankyPants? 🙂 Everything made me cry. We forgot to put food in the refrigerator last night, I couldn’t get email to work right, and I started freaking out about a work problem. So I cried and wasn’t very nice. 🙁 Noah told me I wasn’t allowed to say bad things about his wife though. I’m working on it.

Making copies was a hassle cause the machine in my building is broken. Erf.

But in 2nd period I gave my kiddos a little psuedo inspirational speech (we had a bad day on Wednesday) and they worked their asses off all period. I feel much more happy with them than I did earlier this week.

3rd period is taking the monster test. A few people have finished a little early (one chick is just totally going to fail, another couple are probably going to do well) but overall they are busting ass to get it done. Last night was the all-nighter to decorate for Homecoming stuff and they are seriously wasted. I’m impressed with how hard they are working anyway. I also had a kid bring me an apple. 🙂

I’m trying really hard to rally my craptastic mood. The kids are being so good.

Thank you baby for being nice to me when I am not being very nice.

Pennies are so useless

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Unless you use them to keep track of how many times you have sex in the first year of your marriage. 😀

This way we will insure that the adage of “If you put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of your marriage and then take a penny out each time you have sex in the years after that the jar will never be empty” will not come true. Cause we are competitive. 🙂

Just Baby

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Today is a shitty day. I’m irritable and impatient and that isn’t ok with my kids. I yelled at 2nd period and told them I am tired of them blowing me off and ignoring me. I told them that if they aren’t going to bother to try, why should I give them lots of extra help? I had a bunch of kids not do what they were supposed to do as far as getting an id badge goes. I feel shitty and stupid and mean. I have one kid who left and hasn’t come back.

I feel terribly out of sorts and I don’t know how to get back on track.

Last night was hard for me. I don’t know how to handle the fact that you have a hatred of dressing up. I often feel like dressing up is more of a problem than anything else with/for you. I like to dress up. I like to feel sexy and desireable and quite frankly I frequently don’t. I know you want me, but I don’t see myself as someone who should be desired most of the time. So I dress up. And these days dressing up is turning into more hostility than not. I’m trying to feel sexy and fun because I need the shot of ego and you don’t want me to flirt or lead you on. You basically tell me that it feels bad to you. I’m not telling you that feeling that way is awful or not ok, I’m just saying that it is hard for me because I don’t know what to do with feeling so conflicted. I want you to want me to dress up, but that doesn’t seem to work.

I have to go. I have more to say, but I don’t have time right now.

Carry a big stick.

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I am positively *gleeful* right now.

One of the other teachers in my department was gone Thursday and Friday and she is absent again today. On Friday the sub got fired for gross incompetence because the class was totally out of control. We have no sub plans for today. I called her and got an idea of what she wanted then filled in the blanks with other stuff I think is appropriate. (I teach the same class.)

I put an overhead up in my class telling my kids to come in quietly, get out their books, and continue from where we left off on Friday.

I then went to the other classroom, put the agenda on the board, and read the class the riot act for a few minutes about how their behavior was utterly unacceptable and if they get out of line today they will have a stack of referals waiting, calls to their parents, and detentions for weeks to come on top of an apology letter. I told them that they lost their talking privilege and if anyone said even one word they were to be sent to my room to await punishment.

The sub said the kids barely breathed all period. They did their work quietly and were very respectful when they talked to him.

And when I came back into my room my perfect angels were reading the play and everyone was following along and being great. *grin* And I get to do this two more times today. Apparently I don’t need those classroom management seminars I am going to later this week.

run run run flop run run run

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My work week consists of running around like mad all week. Teaching, and prep work, and grading (which I’m not doing enough of), and meetings, and parent phone calls… it seems that the pace never lightens up. I’m exhausted like crazy by Friday.

Last Friday we were supposed to go see a play but as a result of not getting moving quickly enough and general crankiness, we stayed home instead. It turned out to be a good thing cause Noah is kind of sick and he needed the rest. We passed out by about 9:30. On Saturday I had another tattoo sitting but I only made it through about 30 minutes before I *lost* it. I just couldn’t be calm or rational. 🙁 We went home and spent the day in bed cause I was sick to my stomach all day. Of course we passed out by about 9:30. Sunday we soldiered our way through a gym trip despite being tired, borderline sick, and my back hurting. Sunday we ran a few errands and then flopped at home. We passed out by about 9:30.

Wow, we sound remarkably boring. Only it was awesome and wonderful. I loved the time I got to spend with my baby. We talked and talked and talked, often about hard/scary/painful things that we need to get through. We played and tried to map out a few more boundaries in our relationship. Resting and relaxing and cuddling together made not feeling so hot a pretty great thing cause it was an excuse to stay in bed. 🙂

I love my husband.

Random acts of kindness

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A couple of months ago a guy from bondage.com sent me a flirtatious email and I had to let him know that I was involved and more or less off the market for what he was looking for. (He lives in LA and wants pretty strict monogamy.) Yesterday I got around to letting b.com know that I got married and he sent me an email saying congratulations and good luck.

Very random and sweet. People rock.

cranky

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Every Friday we do a communal lunch thing in my department. And today… everything has onions in it. So I don’t have a lunch and the lunch being provided is stuff I won’t eat.

I’m going to be so cranky by the end of school. I’m eating granola bars and nuts and pretzels, but it isn’t going to be quite enough. 🙁

{close friends}Tracking Mood

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Boy howdy does my mood vary a great deal. How tired I am has a rather remarkable influence on my mood. I’ve been doing really well and staying upbeat and at least mostly cheerful for a while, but Wednesdays wipe me out. I need to be at work fairly early on Wednesday because there is always some last minute prep to do so I get here at about 7:30. I teach from 8:20 to 2:35 with a fifteen minute break and a 40 minute lunch. After school I have kids in here to serve detention or get help with work/do makeup testing. At 3:30 I have a meeting with my mentor who is doing stuff with me to help me clear my credential. She leaves at about 4:30. Then I need to make sure I have copies done and my board set up for the next day. I also usually have a little bit of cleaning up and organizing to do. I try to get at least a little bit of grading done as well. If I’m lucky I leave at 5:00. Usually 5:30 and yesterday it was 6. I’m not really saying that my job is harder than anyone else’s, cause it isn’t. I’m not saying I work longer hours, because I don’t. But good grief I am wiped out. I have had other jobs, libraries, retail, food service, substituting–they didn’t wear me out like this. I have to be on for almost all of the time I am at work. I am interacting and responding to questions and thinking as hard and fast as I can. I love it and I don’t want to be doing anything else–but I have nothing left at the end of the day.

So I’ve been feeling remarkably boring and uninteresting lately. I had people over last Friday and it didn’t turn into what I wanted. I invited about 24 people expecting that almost no one would be available with 48 hours notice. I was wrong. I ended up with 20 freakin people in my house. I was really hoping for about 10 so that we could really sit down and play games and be mellow. Instead I ended up hosting all night long. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be fixing food and getting drinks and showing people how to do stuff all night long. I wanted quiet mostly cuddly time and instead I felt even more wasted by the end. I was not happy that so many of my friends showed up expecting dinner without bringing much if anything at all. I felt kind of taken advantage of. I hadn’t wanted to host a party. Many of the people there didn’t even have much of an interest in playing games which was very disappointing to me because that was what I advertised. So I really wanted a specific type of interaction, I organized it, and then it still didn’t happen. I feel let down.

The rest of the weekend was really awesome though. Time spent basically one-on-one with Noah is about as good as time can get. And Oh My God HAWT sex.

This week I have been dragging ass all week. I need to get a lot more sleep this weekend, which is going to be a challenge for me. I just don’t sleep well/much. And as a result of being tired I feel incredibly insecure. I have less than no reason for being insecure. I don’t think it would be possible for someone to be more into another person than Noah is into me. Yet… I still fel worried and scared. I mean…. he freakin married me. Why am I so insecure? He hasn’t been dating anyone else because we are so wrapped up in our mutual obsession and happiness and glee to be together. I feel scared though. I feel scared that it isn’t going to be long before he is pushing really hard to be with other people more. Given how much time I spend at work it really isn’t reasonable for me to try to date anyone else at this point. I am only awake and not at work for maybe 5 hours a day and I’m getting ready for work, making dinner, and trying to fall asleep for most of them. I don’t have the energy for another person, that is a very small part of the reason I broke up with Erik. (Ok, so mostly he ignored me and didn’t treat me particularly well–but that’s another story.) I was relieved though when I stopped having to balance time and attention with another person. Noah was feeling cranky that I might be going on dates with Erik and paying lots more attention to him and having lots of sex on those dates when I was exhausted and unable to do the same with Noah. Well… no I wasn’t. I just don’t have the energy for anyone right now. 🙁 I’m doing a little better when it’s just Noah though.

I feel like I’m going to have to deal with him going out and chasing someone else soon. This isn’t true, but I’m still worried. We agreed to not go out looking for new partners for a year. Partially cause I am just insecure and partially because I think if we want to have a marriage that is a full on partnership we need to give that time to develop before we deal with other people and their needs. He agreed to that, but I pushed for it. Just like I pushed for the actual elopement. Just like I’m the one pushing for D/s. He says he wants these things too, and he agrees whenever I push… but I am the one pushing. 🙁 I feel very scared that I am pushing too hard/far and he is going to eventually get upset with me for asking for too much. I am terrified of once again asking for too much, wanting too much, needing too much from a partner. I don’t know how I would handle it to be rejected by Noah the way I have been by my other partners.

I feel like I want to just stop pushing for things but I know that I can’t really manage to stop asking for what I want and I know that I really wouldn’t be happy that way either. And so I’m pushing. And I’m scared. And I’m insecure. And I feel stupid and immature and I often cry when I’m driving in the car. I feel like I have been handed basically everything I have always wanted on a silver platter but I don’t trust this. It’s too new and too fragile.

I’m so scared.