Category Archives: Uncategorized

And wow, this is prophetic.

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Rob tells me:

My old philosophy professor Norman O. Brown would periodically interrupt his lectures, tilt his head upward as if tuning into the whisper of some heavenly voice, and announce in a mischievous tone,”It’s time for your irregular reminder: We’re already living after the end of the world. No need to fret anymore.” The implication was that the worst had already happened. We had already lost most of the cultural riches that had given humans meaning for centuries. All that was going to be taken from us had already been taken. On the bright side, that meant we were utterly free to reinvent ourselves. Living amidst the emptiness, we had nowhere to go but up. What remained was alienating, but it was also fresh. Use these ideas as seeds for your meditations, Virgo. You can apply them to both your personal life and the world at large.

It really is time for me to reinvent myself.

{my shit} Reeling

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I don’t know what I’m going to do about my family. I’m kind of thinking that I need to completely cut off contact with them for the forseeable future because having them in my life is actively hurting me. I really don’t want to do it though. 🙁 Last night when I desperately needed support I went over and spent time with some of the people who have chosen to be my family. I was told reasons why I can’t possibly be as terrible as my bio-family claims. I’m trying very hard to not only hear, but believe. It’s hard. I have been internalizing messages about my complete awfulness for a very long time. I… I don’t really know what to do about a lot of it. I’m scared and even though I have some amazing and wonderful support I feel terribly alone. It is kind of ironic that this stuff comes on the heels of me acknowledging just how completely inappropriate some of my behavior is. It kind of seems like confirmation that I am really that bad of a person. 🙁 But yet–my family won’t acknowledge their problems. I got into a fight with my sister yesterday and I brought up several specific things she does that are highly abusive and she said, “That isn’t abuse. My kids deserve that because they are teenagers and are impossible to live with.” Did they deserve it in junior high? In elementary school? What about when they were toddlers? She has *always* been abominable to them and can’t see that. I don’t want to ever see that look of resigned defeat in my children’s eyes the way I see it in my niece and nephew or hell–in my own eyes. I don’t want to ever seen them just learn to cringe and prepare for the onslaught of screaming. I won’t do it. You know what? If I ever do lose it and yell at my kids I want them to be strong enough to tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it because they don’t deserve it. That is my goal. I want my kids to know just how much they are worth. And that is what the other members of my family can’t understand. They think we all deserve this.

No. I don’t.

Quoteable

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“What are you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about my trip to Japan and the fact that I would like to bring a digital camera and was wondering if I could borrow yours.”
“Of course. You do realize that with this whole marriage thing it’s basically yours now too?”
BIG HUGE CHEESY GRIN

I likes making the boy happy.

{my shit}This is where I learned how to fuck people up.

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I came home from my third appointment for my tattoo to an email from my brother. The text from him reads:

Here is the will you asked for and thank you for helping me make a desicion I hav been struggling with for 8 years. I have not closed the door to any of you because I wanted my kids to know there family. It is no longer benificial to them because of the behaviors I have when you guys are around.

do not attempt to contact. Emails will be deleted unread, mail will be returned to sender unopened,phone calls will be hung up on and the door will not be answered.

He was responding to an email from my sister that read:

I keep thinking about it, and regardless of dad’s opinions of me or
anyone else, I feel it’s legally irresponsible to NOT peruse his will.

Please send me a copy.  A complete copy, if you will.  I need to see it
for myself.

Send it to my work address as follows: (deleted for her privacy)
I know you’d rather I not see it, but legally, I not only have the right
to see it, you are required by law to deliver a copy to all direct
heirs, of which I am most definitely one.  I cannot express how
upsetting it is to me that I had never even heard of the will until
recently.  I may not be dad’s biggest fan, but I knew him better than
anyone.  Including you.  I’m sorry, but that’s a fact.  Dad groomed you
to be his ace in the hole.  I won’t tell you what he said about you back
then – but it wasn’t any nicer than what he said about the rest of us.
He told me you would always back him, and he’d make sure of it.  You
would always be his supporter.  Tommy would never be believed.  For me,
he wanted me to be many things – not the least of which was his little
sex kitten.  He definitely tried to include me in his “mental
conditioning” of you guys.  Lol  And I often wonder why I’m so fucked
up?

Send me a copy of the will Jimmy.  Please.  I don’t care what’s in it; I
need to see it for myself.

Sissy

The will says:
(dated 4/27/98)
Last will and testament

Even though I am not guilty the viciousness of Vivian and Kristine is more than Tom can recover from. Tom and I have desided that the quality of life is not worth living.
If my life insurance can be collected I want half to go to my son James. The other half to Trudy Russell. (My step-mom)
The rest of Tom’s trust fund and everything else I have goes to my son James. It is my wishes that nothing goes to Vivian, Kristine, or Denise.

Words fail me. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t know where any of this came from or why it was directed at me. This is why I am so fucked up. I called my brother to ask him what the hell is going on. He told me that he is angry that his sons will never know their uncle or grandfather because I wasn’t given a computer. I hung up on him. This hatred of me is why I spent so many years wanting to and trying to kill myself. How can anyone hate me this much? And my brother will teach his children to hate me and blame me too.

Insanity.

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My school is seriously desperate for English teachers. We are down by 3 full time teachers. (This means we have 15 class sections to place.)

This means we are cutting small class sizes for the freshman–this will eliminate the need for 7 of those class sections. But we are still short of teachers for 8 sections. Two people have gone back to full time from part time and they are begging people to take an extra section.

I volunteered. It looks like I will probably be teaching six classes next year. It will be an extra $7K/year. I made the request that it be an extra section of English 3 and not Comp & Lit for that class will be more stressful for me. We’ll see. This would put a bit of an accelaration towards paying off my student loan debt.

The extra load of grading will probably pretty much eliminate my social life this year. Hm. I’m telling myself that I am doing this for the good of my school and for the students and the extra money won’t suck. Scary though. I move from 20% to 120%. Dude! This looks like my life! ha.

Freakin memes (I made it dirty)

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Here are the rules:
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write ablog with six random facts about yourself. In the end you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names.

Damn you barelyproper!! (I’m so running out of random facts. I have already done these memes too many times. This had to get shuffled to my dirtiest filter)

Uhhhhh I decided to make these all NWS

Laundry question

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So I tried being a good little internet enabled girly and looked for the answer to my question and found http://www.geektimes.com/michael/culture/clothing/kilts/utilikilts/care.html

But now I want to ask you, the Utilikilt enabled members of my friendslist a question. How do you launder your Utilikilt? What has worked the best for maintaining the hot look that so many pulled off on Sunday?

Traditionally I have washed it in cold water and then had it lay flat to dry. That worked well with Tom’s so now I am doing it with Noah’s as well. Any other thoughts?

Mmmm food

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As our contribution to the wedding potluck I have made my mommy’s lasagna. It’s a dry lasagne made with more cheese than you can shake a stick at. It’s so damn good it just isn’t funny. 🙂

(A dry lasagna means that it doesn’t have any sauce inside with the cheese and noodles, you add it at the end on top. 🙂

Bitches, boundaries, and dirty little secrets.

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When I was a kid my mother was fond of telling me: “We keep our dirty laundry in the closet” meaning that we do not discuss the horrible things that happen behind closed doors. I internalized this message and didn’t tell anyone I was abused for years. When I was 15 and had a series of breakdowns I came to the conclusion that I could not live by her directive. Instead I decided that I would have no secrets. I would do absolutely nothing I was ashamed to talk about generally. And if I ever did find I had something I was ashamed of I would talk about it as publicly as possible because then there would be nothing that could be held over my head. I can never have someone emotionally blackmail me with something I have done. I have accepted a small change in this policy in the past couple of years as I have slightly gone into the closet for my job. This has been incredibly emotionally stressful for me and paved the road for me to start keeping other things private. I recently had to look at myself and my life and what I am doing and I realized that I have a dirty little secret. I have something I am deeply ashamed of and that I am hiding from people. When your behavior is at odds with how you claim your behavior is that means that either your opinion of yourself/your ethics is out of date or you need to change your behavior. Given that I am still proud of my basic code of ethics that means that I need to undertake the very difficult and painful task of living up to it.

So here I am. This is my confession. This journal entry is not really filtered for a variety of reasons. I need to say these things about myself in a basically public way because that is how I operate when it comes to things that are bad. I cannot hide them. I debated with Noah long and hard the merits of doing this in a public way and essentially this is something that I need for me. So a lot of people who read this journal are not really used to my harsh self-analyzing posts so this one may be really hard for you. I invite you to skip it if you feel that the messy inner workings of my mind are things that do not need to be part of your life. And given the nature of gossip, if anyone chooses to break the basic confidentiality implied by my journal please at least have the respect for me to tell me that you are sharing this entry with other people. I feel I deserve that.

So here we go–a rather unhappy and dark picture of me.

Standard disclaimer

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I just did a bit of friends list pruning. If you were taken off, it isn’t because I hate you. I may feel like I just don’t know you. Maybe things that you post have no relevance to my life and I like keeping my reading list short. Maybe you are someone I used to tangentially know and I haven’t had a real conversation with you in a year or more.

Summary: don’t hate you. I just like to keep my friends list to people I feel a distinct connection with.

Being a bitch and having boundaries.

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Once upon a time I tried to reclaim the word “bitch” this may be something of a shock to people who did not know me when I was in high school because I am decidedly against being referred to as a bitch these days. It is funny that I can reclaim slut, but not bitch. See, I think that while sluts are put down, they aren’t hurtful people. Bitches are people who hurt other people. Someone can be bitchy, or say bitchy things–but that isn’t the same as being a bitch. Just like a little kid can sometimes be bad, but isn’t bad as a person. You see, I know I can be bitchy–far bitchier than most in fact, but it doesn’t define my personhood.

Ok, we have that out of the way. It is my opinion that people call someone a bitch more or less when they are saying that said person is not giving them what they want. It’s a put down that hits way to close to home for me because I ascribe a great deal of malice to bitches. So I believe that

{relationship stuff} Claiming

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Disclaimer: So, this is a rather small filter. There are 15 people on it That means that most of the people you might expect to be reading me won’t see stuff on this filter. A bunch of you have partners who are not on this filter. I’m not specifically going to say that I don’t want you to tell your partner anything about this, but please be vague if you decide to share information. I was talking with Noah about my general need for processing in a way that has an audience and he is fully understanding of the fact that the over-share is going to happen.He did express a preference that when I get into the times when I’m upset that it not be terribly public. This is more than fair so I created a filter of really close and trusted friends. I am also distinctly of the opinion that when I am really mad at him for some reason, that is as much about me and my shit as it is about him or the situation. My goal is to never slam him publicly or privately and if I ever skirt too close to that line, even on this filter, please feel free to call me on it. I’m allowed to be mad at him. I’m not allowed to denigrate him as a person. When I want advice about how to handle something, I will specifically ask for it. Otherwise it is the standard”tread carefully” kind of approach to giving me unsolicited advice. 🙂 The people I am sharing this with are the people I love and trust a great deal. I’m sharing this stuff in this way because I do respect and honor your opinions. I’m trusting you to be ok seeing parts of me that I may not share generally with the world. I’m going to be talking about bdsm, sex, abuse stuff… who knows. If you don’t want to see any portion of this, feel free to ask to be taken off the filter; I will understand.

Continue reading →

Conflicted

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I’m all weird and angsty right now and there are a bunch of reasons for it. My stomach hurts quite a bit and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional wonkyness.

This was a very rough weekend. There were high points that were quite wonderful, but a couple of lows that really blew. Cut in case drugs or my personal angst do not appeal.

HOT

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I was looking at my archive and wondered what I posted four times in one day a while back and came across http://rightkindofme.livejournal.com/253208.html so I reread the responses.

There are a few of you out there… Dear god ya’ll are HOT. Must go… uhm… yeah. That.

(If anyone wants me to remind you what you said… I’ll respond to your comment so it gets sent back to you.)

Silly

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On the net today there is a picture of me. The caption says:

“There are some people who wear T-shirts saying “Fight Censorship” andother people who take off their clothes in public, and refuse to putband aids over their nipples when asked to.”

I didn’t have the t-shirt on.

Yay much

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We are still making steady progress on the less-suck relationship wise. There have been a couple of remarkably good days with Noah and Spot and I had a nice dinner then Ikea run last night cause I was getting impatient on the no-date-for-a-while thing. Ok, I don’t hate them anymore. And the house is getting steadily less awful in my view and my view is the one that matters on this one. 😉 Being able to see visible progress on the mess is significantly helping my mental health actually as it lowers a lot of my anxiety. I really don’t handle living in a mess well. I’m still ignoring some of the filth because a lot of it isn’t worth dealing with right now because we are going to be painting soon and changing the carpeting.

I’m still having nightmares about being unprepared for school. I think this is getting ridiculous. I’m almost to a point in the house where I’m going to switch to school prep for a week or three. 🙂