Shanna is sick. She has a fever and she is lethargic and tired. This isn’t great but it pales next to being told that someone I love tremendously was raped. I don’t know how to adequately help him. Yes, him. I feel terrible because I didn’t try harder to help him when/before it happened.
Sometimes I feel like I could joyfully take on all the suffering in the world just to protect my loved ones. I’m very strong; I know I could handle it. I don’t really know how he will truly heal.
I told my sister and my nephew yesterday that I’m feeling upset about them only contacting me when they want money. My sister got huffy and told me that she doesn’t want anything from anyone. Then as we were getting ready to pay for lunch she informed me she was laid off. Ahhh timing. I only paid for my food.
On the vaccine stuff: I find the different points of view interesting. I found ‘s post yesterday nearly funny. If I posted something of that length and validity on the anti-vax side I would have a flood of snotty comments. I would be be told that all of the things I was presenting were “anecdotal” and therefore completely unworthy of mention. *shrug* At this moment in time my feelings are basically that I don’t trust the information I am presented with. Once upon a time there was “evidence” that people should be given mercury when they were sick, or drugs to prevent miscarriage that caused terrible terrible deformities and problems in infants. This was the wisdom of the day. I could list off a dozen different things that have been part of “trends” in the past 150 years around the topic of bearing children that have been dangerous and problematic. They were all pushed heavily by doctors. Yet I am now told, “It doesn’t matter what has happened in the past. This time what we are telling you to do is right. Honest!” Well, I feel rather uncomfortable using my kid as a guinea pig for something with little history. Most vaccines have been around for ~60 years or less. That’s not a lot of time to look at the long-term effects. Especially because the people who were vaccinated 60 years ago were not given the same vaccines or nearly as many as children today are. Shanna will be vaccinated because eventually the risk of the diseases will overcome the risk of the shots because I want to take her to Asia and Africa. If I were a bit less infected with a travel bug I don’t know that I would be willing to.
If my life were different I would probably give her the vaccines on schedule. (Although frankly I like countries like Finland’s vaccination schedule more than the US’s.) Well, maybe not all of them. I’m more than a little worried about what is going to happen to people when we get rid of the more mild diseases that educate the body in fighting off illness. Do I have hard scientific evidence? Sorta. Not really. Why are things like cancer becoming so common? It’s a combination of reasons that no one has figured out yet. It didn’t happen much when people died of other illnesses.
I don’t think it is a good idea to fuck with mother nature. People are supposed to die. That’s kind of the end-goal of every human’s life. I don’t really think that trying to put off death forever is a great thing. I’m sure people will snarkily (and stupidly in my opinion) say, “You would feel differently if it was your kid.” Not really. If my child died I would grieve. I would miss her for the rest of my life. But I would deal with it. I have experience dealing with death and my experience of it colored my feelings enough that I feel pretty comfortable saying, “No really–it’s better to not stave off death as long as possible.” They should have let my brother die the first time instead of resuscitating him.
And I can’t help but think that our culture’s obsession with avoiding feeling bad at all for any length of time is contributing to a lot of our other social problems.
Every time I deal with my family they ask me for money. Either to pay for something or just for actual money. In the cases of my cousins/niece/nephew asking for college money I don’t actually mind much because I think that is a worthy cause to donate towards. However I do mind in other cases. I called my sister to ask if we could take her out to dinner for her birthday. Her response was, “Oh good, cause we have a dinner planned for me and I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay for me and the kids.” *blink* So that means that a)I wasn’t invited in the first place, and b)that I get to pay for her entire family. I get that I can afford this more than them–I do. But I’m starting to really resent being treated as a walking checkbook. 🙁 My sister told me that they are planning to go to TGIFridays for my nephew’s birthday and Red Lobster for my niece’s. I kind of wonder if they told me just so that I can pay for it.
My uncle called me this morning and told me that he wants to buy a car for my niece and he was hoping that I would contribute money so they can buy her a better one. I told him that given that we just paid for my cousin’s tuition to a vocational program, we are about to hand my nephew money towards his tuition, and we have a trip to New Zealand next month–no, we can’t give them money. He then proceeded to kind of whine about how he can’t find anything within their budget but there are x, y, and z cars that are much better for only $5,000 more. I kind of saw red.
This is a lot of the reason I stopped talking to my family years ago. They’ve done this to me since I was 16. Whatever amount of money I have to live on I stretch. At this point Noah makes far more money than I ever dreamed of living on, but we also have financial goals that are fairly tight within his salary range. We can’t reach them if we support my whole family, which I don’t want to do anyway. Hell, I feel guilty asking Noah to pay for as much for my family as I do.
And don’t even get me started on my mom.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m having trouble keeping track of dates lately. It’s pretty silly. I thought that my first meeting of the Holistic Moms Network (we’re going to talk about organic gardening and worm farms and such) was last Tuesday, but uhm oops–it’s this coming Tuesday instead. I found this out after I had already driven down to south San Jose. oops.
So I called my sister to see if she wanted to spend some time with Shanna and me. She did and we met up at the mall near her house. We sat in the food court and talked for about 45 minutes. Then we walked around the mall talking for another half an hour. Then we headed to my car and talked for another hour even though I was supposed to be leaving. It was really really good. Our talking meandered through many many different subjects from fluffy idle chit-chat to intense processy kinds of stuff. We actually managed to talk about her penchant for rewriting history. I got her to acknowledge that she does it. I was really really really happy she finally acknowledged it. We talked about why she does it. She told me that she sometimes can’t psychologically cope with admitting the terrible things she has done so she “forgets”. I think that is a huge thing for her to say. I told her about the book Shame and Guilt that I found very helpful and she said she would be interested in reading it and pointed out that her birthday is in a couple of weeks. So I’m ordering it for her. We talked about the blame and shame we each feel for things that happened in our family. It was kind of interesting to talk about those things finally with someone who was there with me through the trauma. Our perspectives are so different.
We spoke ruefully about our mother. I pointed out how I believe our mother’s behavior is about playing favorites and Denise said she thinks mom is just thoughtless. I hate to come down from my position on anything, but the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Sissy pointed out a few ways in which she feels our mother has treated me badly and the sense of validation I got from that was intense and overwhelming. We talked about my brother (the one who is still alive) and how he has cut us both out of his life. She said that as far as she is concerned he is dead. I told her that he really isn’t dead, it would be easier if he was. That made her pause and think. After a while she admitted that I was right–we have less (internal) conflict about Tommy (the dead brother). We talked about whether chosen family takes the place of biological family. I told her that recently my experience of my chosen family is that they don’t take the bonds any more seriously than my biological family so I’m pretty lonely. She tried to do her blustery, “You don’t need anyone…” thing and I told her that I do need my family. She hugged me when I cried.
We talked about when I turned her in to CPS. That was an interesting conversation. I told her that, for lack of a less geeky way of explaining it, I am lawful good. I have to follow the law. I can’t live with myself if I don’t. She asked me how I would feel if my actions sent her to jail (I didn’t even quibble about whose actions would be responsible) and I told her that I would feel terrible and guilty and ashamed but I would have to do it anyway. I told her about the weeks of crying I did before and after turning her in. She seemed surprised that I cared. It was pretty intense but I think that discussing it might help. She said that she is waiting till my niece turns 18 to give me her address, but that she will do so then. I don’t really blame her.
We also spent a while discussing the sexual merits of our various partners over the years. That part was pretty funny. 🙂
Yesterday went extremely well. The only hitches in Thanksgiving were that everyone showed up late due to an accident on 880 so no one ate any of the appetizers (big freakin deal) and my sister/niece forgot the apple pie and rolls they promised (Sissy ran to Safeway and bought a pie and I had sneakily bought rolls Just In Case).
Everyone got along fantastically well. I was astonished. We had far fewer people than anticipated due to losing five people yesterday morning for a myriad of reasons. It was really nice though. I would go so far as to say I had a lot of fun. Towards the end of the evening Noah corralled all the youngsters into playing Give Me the Brain and Lord of the Fries for a while so I’m pretty sure he had a blast. 🙂 My mom and sister and I played Rummy and I lost abysmally but remained fairly cheerful. Shanna was on her absolute best behavior all day while playing by herself or being handed from relative to relative. Of course this means that my whole family is convinced that I have an abnormally mellow/good baby. 🙂
I did very little of the cooking and about half of the prep. Noah earned big fat credits that will probably turn into extra gaming time for him this weekend because he was so awesome. 🙂 The food was all thoroughly excellent and we have leftovers upon leftovers.
Even the rest of my mom’s visit was really good once the dog left. And the day we dropped the dog off I went to the high school I used to work at for a while and visited. Everyone made much of me telling me how much they miss me and how awesome I am. I felt really special and loved.
And over all of this wonderfulness is the pall that I am terrified of the comp exam. One more chance. I get one more chance before I have wasted years and years of work. I am so scared.
My mom is here. She informed me yesterday that she intends to stay with us till Friday. Last I heard before that she was going to stay here on Wednesday night and leave on Thursday, so this is a surprise. Honestly it wouldn’t so bad if she didn’t have a six month old Chihuahua who keeps SHITTING ON MY FLOOR. Have I mentioned that I have a baby who is right on the verge of learning to crawl who plays all day on the floor? Yeah. Fucking awesome.
Oh thank goodness. My cousin and her kids have other plans for Thanksgiving. We are only going to have 12 people. That’s way more manageable. 🙂
I have a lot on my mind but most of it isn’t real coherent. I’m going to spew here for a bit. 🙂
So this year I’m hosting Thanksgiving dinner. The main thing that is fussy about it is that I have no idea who will want to come. It could be anywhere from 14 people to 24 people. That’s a big difference. That’s an enormous difference in terms of food prep. And seating arrangements.
I’m looking forward to seeing the mingled shock and horror when they discover no really, I don’t own a tv. I’m going to put out board games and cards. 🙂 It’s kind of fun looking at what I should make to eat. My family hasn’t had any experience with my cooking since I started being involved with Noah and boy howdy have things changed. The man introduced me to “full fat” and it’s improved pretty much everything that I cook. 🙂
This means I have two weeks to get my house really clean. No problem. 🙂
I’m going to send an email to various members of my family and CC Noah’s family. I’m going for tactful. For the record, this is one of those times when I am requesting feedback/advice. (I say that to remind people in general that if I do not specifically do so, I don’t want it.)
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Well, when I went to the door today for the UPS man I knew it was something from Noah’s family because they can’t fucking spell my name. When I open the package what do I find?
A god damn silver spoon.
I’m serious.
From Tiffany’s even. It’s engraved with her name. I…
Well, the in-laws responded. To Noah and not me. And they all want the feet picture, which we got one copy of.
I think I quit.
-I went up and saw my family yesterday. It was extremely low stress. My aunt is kind of afraid of me in weird ways. I’m never sure how to handle it.
-I restated for my niece and nephew that I will pay for college. I think my nephew will take me up on it. I’m glad.
-I also apologized to my nephew for being such a shitty aunt. I need to try harder in both of their directions.
-Shanna doesn’t seem to like anyone else holding her. She cries pretty quickly. This isn’t awesome.
-Other people reread my archives so I started looking too. This December I will have known Ms. Pandora for five years. I think that will deserve some recognition.
-We do a lot of laundry.
-I’m noticing more and more how happy I am that I get to stay with Shanna.
-People on MDC (the mothering website I’ve been reading–you people don’t post enough) are really fucking weird.
-If we want to try for the spacing of kidlets we are talking about I have some work to do. Oy. It’s going to be extra challenging with the munchkin.
So I keep sending out notices of new pictures to family members who aren’t subjected to lj. It seems polite. I’m even sending them to Noah’s parents despite our less than cordial relationship. In this last one I specifically asked them to tell me which pictures they would like to be sent and I asked for the snail mail addresses of relatives that might like to receive pictures. I think I am being bloody good.
I can’t help but wonder if they will bother to acknowledge my questions. I feel so cynical on this topic. His dad might be cool, but I don’t know that his mom will. I guess I’ll find out…
Today we went to a graduation party for some of my kidlets. It was interesting for a variety of reasons. See, they are a couple and they have been dating for more than three years now but I can’t remember for sure exactly how long. So their family’s tend to combine forces and host stuff together as if they are already a long-term couple. They are given as much respect and support in their relationship choice as most adult couples I know and noticeably more than others. Their respective family’s were both extremely polite and friendly to Noah and I. They were curious who we were first, then enthusiastic because obviously I must be pretty amazing if the kids wanted me there. 😀
Watching them all interact was fascinating. They were nice to each other. There were obviously a few places where personalities are not a perfect match but people took a deep breath, looked at the sky, then shook their heads. That was the beginning and end of all the conflict. I don’t believe that they never have conflict at all… but my family has trouble passing up golden opportunities to fight. It was neat to be around. I liked that people made an effort to get along because that’s what you do with family. I liked that by and large everyone seemed to like everyone else.
And I liked finding out that the girl in question has decided to pursue a career in teaching due to my influence. I liked hearing both of the moms tell me how much I mattered to their kids. When I was getting ready to leave ST I commented to my fellow teachers that I was surprised by how many kids said they would keep in touch. I was told not to count on that because kids promise that all the time. Well, I certainly heard that promise from far more kids than have kept in touch; however, I feel like the ones I really want to keep in touch with are doing it.
So for the people who have told me that I am wasting my education by staying home–no I’m not. I did wonderful things with my education. Now I’m doing a different wonderful thing with my education.
Noah’s aunt sent us a baby stuff care package. Receiving blankets, clothes, hats, burping cloths, bibs, bath care items, a rather nice diaper bag, an incredibly sweet home made baby book, and a pile of Thank You cards. It is a rather impressive spread of stuff actually.
🙂 I can take a hint. I will never neglect sending her a thank you card again. 🙂 There was no snark or hostility in the present at all so I feel like this was actually a really awesome way for her to express her preferences. 🙂
Maybe I should meet this relative. She lives in Davis.
Well that went better than expected. Much, much better than expected. In fact, I would go so far as to say that was good.
Awesome.
I was reminded yesterday that I make a lot of references to my background that I don’t explain at the time. Part of the lack of explanation is that I have written about a lot of it in some detail over the years but I suppose it is complete narcissism to assume that people will go back and read my whole archives (not a small task) in order to find out more about me. 🙂 (I actually do that sometimes. Depends on how busy I am when I pick up a new journal.) I’m also spoiled because Noah has read my whole archive two or three times and since I seem to be the center of his universe, of course I must be for other people as well… right? 🙂 So if you have spent years reading me and you don’t want to see this again, or if you just don’t care, feel free to skip the rest of this post.
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So I called my mom and my sister this morning. They have both agreed that it is a good idea for the three of us to sit down with a conflict mediator and get through some of the elephants in the room. I’m more than a little surprised that they both agreed to it. My sister agreed with alacrity and cheer–that was even more shocking. We had a really nice half hour conversation around wanting to deal with stuff. My mom was less immediately interested, but still willing. This is so awesome.
Now I need to find a conflict mediator of some sort for the three of us to talk to. Does anyone have any idea how I would go about finding someone for this? A therapist would probably be decent as well, but I think that someone who is just there to say things like, “So it sounds like you are getting defensive and I don’t think that was meant as an attack” would be awesome. All three of us are oversensitive to feeling attacked and that is part of why things blow up so regularly.
Any suggestions?
Her surgery was postponed so I didn’t get to find out about that. We gabbed about all kinds of baby related stuff. Apparently in several of her pregnancies she only gained 12-15 lbs so I’m feeling a lot more secure in not gaining a lot of weight. 🙂 She had decent sized (all in the 7-8 lb range), healthy babies who were all born on the early-ish side. We discussed her difficulties with breast feeding and how they seem to be really common in the family. Good to be forewarned.
We also talked about some random frustrating things happening in my life and I mentioned that being direct seems to have helped the problem and she said, “Well, it usually does.” I said, “With that as the segue…” Of course she said, “Uh oh, what did I do?” She is very paranoid. I told her that I got very nervous when during the last phone call she mentioned selling her house so she would be able to move. We talked about why she wants to do it. She bought this house so she could be close to Jimmy and his kids. It’s a small town and it is a nightmare commute to where she works. She feels reminded all the time of the loss of the kidlets. She said she has no interest in ever living in a place where it snows. I told her that it is probably for the best. She is kind of sad that I don’t want her to move with me, but she agrees that we get along much better with more distance and that it would probably kill our relationship if she followed me. I don’t think she likes agreeing with that statement, but she knows I am right.
Is good. Now I can stop being nervous about that one. She is going to try and come up here for a visit before her disability leave ends because she would like to see me pregnant. I told her that would be ok. I think it would be ok because she would mostly see Aunt Vonnie and getting a little bit of Mommy-attention is nice.
Much better conversation. Kid in the picture is Jimmy’s oldest son, Koby. I wonder if I will ever see him again.