Tag Archives: friends rock

+/-

2 Replies

+ Someone should be arriving in about half an hour for a play date
+ Great dinner with friends last night. Shanna was an angel.
+ Lots and lots of productivity this morning. I’m impressed with myself.
+ Feeling energetic and social. It’s nice.

– My laptop screen is dead. It fell off a very high shelf. Not sure if we can replace it ourselves and can’t really afford sending it in for repairs. Fuck.
– Shanna destroys stuff almost as fast as I can clean. It’s hard to find my zen with this.
– Even when I’m very productive there is still more to do and more and more and more and… it gets overwhelming.

Thinking

5 Replies

So I’ve been taking some time off. Maybe you noticed, maybe you were grateful that I shut my mouth for once. 😛 But yeah, stuff. I’m going to try a different technique for handling some stuff and see if it works for me. I miss writing here.

I’m nine weeks now. This pregnancy seems pretty willing to stick and that is wonderful. I’m much much much less sick than I was with Shanna (thank all deities everywhere) so I’m even feeling ok. I’m not feeling ‘normal’ and I’m not feeling energetic or anything crazy like that. But I’m not overwhelmingly sick and completely incapacitated so I consider that a win. 🙂 Humble expectations are important. I manage to do an okay job of interacting with Shanna during the day. We do a lot of cuddling on the couch and I am also incredibly grateful that she is so willing and able to entertain herself for long stretches. I know it is unusual. As a result of her playing alone a lot of the day she has been pretty needy in the evenings and the bulk of that is falling to Noah. Let me take a moment to say that my husband has stepped up in a variety of ways and man do I love him. He is doing ALL of the cooking and most of the cleaning and a much larger share of kid-wrangling than usual. As a result this is probably our last kid. That’s… as mixed as that kind of thing might be.

We went to Arizona to see Sarah. That was really awesome. It was occasionally challenging to deal with Shanna, but mostly she was her awesomely obedient and friendly self so it wasn’t too bad. It was really nice to get to sit down and talk to my Sarah again. It’s hard having her so far away. I miss her. Unfortunately we cut the trip a bit short. Has anyone noticed this storm we’re having? Yeah, I had to drive home from Arizona through that and I am really glad I left before things had gotten too established. The drive home was pretty hairy at times and it would have been much worse another day or so later from what I can tell. Also: the Grand Canyon is breathtaking. So far in all of my travels I have set Alaska up as my own personal definition of Most Awe Inspiring Place but the Grand Canyon kicked Alaska’s ass. I would like to go again while not pregnant and seriously hike it.

Oh, side thing: people who bring a two year old on a 2.5 hour train ride without ANY form of amusement or toy are flippin stupid.

I’ve been hibernating a lot more than usual lately. On one hand it’s lonely. On the other hand it feels like what my body needs and I’m drained from the basics of day-to-day life without any extra stress. See, this is why I miss my Sarah so much. I could whine at her about being sad and lonely and not wanting to leave the house and she would come visit. Ok, I’m not really sad. But I am lonely. It’s interesting how sometimes those two things are tied together and sometimes they aren’t. I’m starting to move into that placid slow-moving-brain thing I had when I was pregnant with Shanna. I feel like I’m seeing most of life from under water. Things are just slower and less sharp and that’s kind of nice. I feel … honestly kinda stoned. Ha. But it’s in a very nice way. I’m just drifting through life and that feels ok and good and right. If I could have this mental feel without feeling so physically debilitated I think I would want to be pregnant forever. If I couldn’t talk Noah into being quiverfull I would surrogate over and over. 🙂 But, I don’t get to pick and choose so no permanent pregnancy for me. 🙂

I saw my brother on the drive home from Arizona. That was shocking. I knew I was going to be driving within 2 miles of his house so I called him and asked if he wanted to meet his niece. After double checking that I wasn’t going to force him to deal with our mother he said he wanted to meet her. When I told him that I am not currently speaking with our mother he seemed to feel much better. We had about two and a half hours of sitting around talking. It was a really good conversation. He admitted things out loud that I’ve always suspected. I was shocked and impressed that he has gotten to a point where he can admit those things. He’s grown up a lot. He seemed similarly impressed with my attitude about his behavior of the past few years. I told him that I understand why he has felt he needed to make the choices he made but they still make me sad. I think I managed to convey how much I would like a relationship with him without being pushy or demanding or needy. I’m proud of myself for how I handled my end of things there. I’m really grateful that he gave me a chance. I’m not sure we are going to start having a close relationship any time soon, but maybe it will be a beginning.

Appreciation

Leave a reply

Today I am feeling very happy with the world and everything in it, so I’ll talk a little bit about what I appreciate today. 🙂

I appreciate that my wonderful Marcie let me have huge blocks of wood for my yard. Soon I will get around to finishing that project and I will have the coolest sandbox ever!

I appreciate that my darling husband tolerates my ongoing projects and obsessions. 😀

I appreciate that my daughter loves books so much. And that she is picking up words at a prodigious rate. It is getting so much easier to communicate with her.

I appreciate that my house is small enough to be easy to clean. The older I get and the more stuff I have to get done in a day the more I appreciate this. 🙂

I appreciate that Taylor offered to come help me finish the garage. It is almost entirely cleaned out! It will be done by Friday! This is so exciting. (At this point there is probably about an hour of moving stuff and an hour or two of cleaning left.)

I appreciate the heck out of the chest freezer. Man that thing makes my life better. I have a whole mess of (organic) beef and chicken. I have a huge stash of raw milk, butter, cream, and cheese. I have a freak-ton of ice cream (I buy it on sale and stock up). And then there are the ’emergency’ tv-dinner lunches for Noah’s lunch when we have nothing else. It’s so awesome. I think I have enough meat to last me the next six months and maybe longer. This pleases me immensely. We will need more ice cream and milk before then. 🙂

I appreciate the wonderful variety of food available to me here in the bay area. I like that my taste buds have been expanded in ways they wouldn’t have if I lived in middle America.

I appreciate the awesome cookbooks available to me that have taught me how to cook some of the amazing food I enjoy so much. And the baking. *swoon* The baking! I’m pretty good at baking, I have discovered. I really enjoy it.

I appreciate being comfortable financially at a time when many people aren’t. It’s a luxury. I have the luxury of staying home with my kids as long as I want to. It’s really nice.

I appreciate my new roof. Holy crap on toast do I appreciate my new roof. And I really love that we are basically off grid for our electricity usage. That makes me feel good about my impact on the planet. I’m wasteful in other places (like travel and eating meat) so I try to do what I can elsewhere.

I appreciate our wonderful car. It is fantastically efficient and well functioning. It is still pretty through absolutely no effort of mine.

I appreciate having the luxury to sit around and think extensively about what is best for my family. My life is non-stressful and non-traumatic. I get to think about family planning in a safe and comfortable environment where many options are possible. That’s amazing.

I appreciate having yards big enough to worry about. 🙂 It means that Shanna has lots of room to play and explore. And I appreciate how much she loves being outside. That bodes well. 🙂

I appreciate Ikea. My house is turning into an Ikea showroom. It’s kind of funny. But man is it useful and cheap! And I think all the stuff we bought there looks perfectly decent. Yay Ikea!

I appreciate that when I have computer problems I always find a friend to help me fix them. 😀 Man living in the valley rocks. 😀

up

9 Replies

It’s to the point where I get really excited about waking up in the middle of the night if Shanna stays asleep. This is the most consistent ‘alone time’ I get.

I haven’t written about the Oklahoma trip. It was… interesting. I think I had forgotten or been unaware of just how closed minded the family is. I almost turned to my mom’s friend and said, “Have I mentioned that I’m queer. I’ve probably fucked more girls than both of your sons combined.” I wanted to do this because they had multiple books on their coffee table about the homosexual agenda and how homosexuals are ruining this great country. Great. I was asked if I was going back to work when Shanna goes to school and the response when I said I would be homeschooling was, “Well, that’s a choice.” Yup. It is. And fuck you very much as well Mr. Sunshine.

Oh, and when Shanna fell out of the bathtub and hit her head I talked to her about why I was asking her to sit down. My mom listened in and then said, “I told you too but you see how that turned out.” ?? In general as a mom you told me to do stuff and I didn’t listen? “I told you not to do things as a teenager but you didn’t listen to me and you got raped. See what happens when you don’t listen to me?” ?!?!?!?! WHAT?! Oh my fucking god. She said she didn’t understand why her comment was different than me telling a ten month old, “See honey, that is why I asked you to sit down. I’m sorry you hurt your head.” Though she did apologize the next morning–I guess that is progress.

I hate doing that quantity of driving sans cruise control. It’s crummy.

I realized recently that most of the people I’ve been spending time with are female and close to my age. This is such a bizarre change compared to the rest of my life. But you know what? I can’t complain. I really appreciate the friendships that have deepened in the past year and some. It’s really good to learn more about the people who think I’m worth going out of their way for.

Good party, mellow weekend.

2 Replies

Last night we went to Winter Bash and had a good time. I’m not as social at these events as I possibly could be because I don’t know many people. But I really like the people I do talk to. Miss Jenny took pity on me and danced with me. It was very awesome of her. I was feeling bad because I couldn’t remember any of the ECD stuff at all but she went and got her ipod during a break and we did swing dancing and waltzed instead. Miss Jenny wins! I should bring her extra cookies soon as a reward. 🙂 I was also given pictures! Both from Miss Jenny and from Master Fiddler himself. whoo hoo!

On the drive home Noah and I talked about people (as we are wont to do). One of our biggest focuses this time was Master Fiddler. We talked about how good a job he does at creating an environment where everyone who comes to his house can feel at home even if they are rare visitors who don’t know many people. We talked about the specific things he does that create this vibe. Then we went on to discussing his place in the group in general. I mention this here because part of the crux of the conversation was about how much importance I place on the word “Master”. It’s cause of that history in the bdsm world. I take the word “Master” rather freakin seriously and you have to *earn* it. He really has. Not just because of his exceptional musical talent, but through the way in which he is absolutely the default answer for how things go musically for a rather lot of people. It was pretty nice to think in detail about how rocking he is. I like knowing people who have truly become a Master.

And we talked a lot about Noah’s job. It looks like he is going to spend a lot of time working so I am even more glad that we are not having a party. Instead we will be staying home and I’ll be puttering as usual and he will be working. It’s like we jumped right to Monday. I’m sure he will take extra breaks for cuddling though and that will be nice. My daughter just woke up so I will go play with her now. 🙂

Travel and Socializing

5 Replies

Goodness gracious we have been seeing a lot of people lately. It’s very cool. paulaandandrew came over last night, my lovely flyinamazon has come over a couple of times, we’ve had visits from blate and yanijc and jkuroda and bk2w and tshuma and angelkatharine and noirem and joedecker. I might be forgetting some of my blessings recently as I’m a total space cadet. I’ve gone out and seen a bunch of other people. I’ve spent time with my sister and cousins and no one fought. (Well, we had a small argument because my sister asserted that she won’t be voting for Obama because he is a Muslim. Uhm, whatever.) Ooh! And Debbie is going to come see me next week! It’s been too long. And have I mentioned that it is really neat that I’m hanging out with Britt so much? I haven’t seen dangerpudding in a bit, but that’ll be remedied next week. 😀

And we have a lot of upcoming travel! Portland weekend after next and we will be staying for over a week. bldrnrpdx I still need to talk to Dad about your event. I’m going to try. The lovely and wonderous Ms. blacksheep_lj will be picking us up from the airport and lending us a carseat. w00t! I get to spend a lot of time with my adored shadowsintime oh, and there will be the wedding for ihotpockets. 😀 There will be a trip up to Seattle to see Jefe and Jen and Rachel and hopefully I hope I’ll get to see malixe and imp-of-satan and meet Henry!

Next month is another wedding, this time with a camping trip involved. We’ll see how camping with a baby goes. woof.

We are going to go see my mommy for Thanksgiving. She’s terribly excited.

And New Zealand in February. I think I need to stop complaining about my life. (Ok, I don’t complain much… but any at all seems like a stretch.)

{disclaimer: if I’ve left your name out, feel free to poke me. My memory is not what it once was and it was never amazing.}

{Edited to add: satyrlovesong and ribbin both came over too!} (See, I want to keep track because I get in these moods where “nobody loves me, everybody hates me” and it’s just bolgona. So now I have a list of who loves me. :D)

Just another day in paradise. Part ??

3 Replies

Miss Marcie came over for lunch. We had big salads. 🙂 (Janet–I put in lots of cheese to up the fullness quotient.) It was awesome to get to see her. I’ve gotten to see her more in the past few months than I have in a long long time. Yay!!

Today I am cleaning. I’ve dusted. I hate dusting. I’m doing laundry. I’m finishing up the stuff in the kitchen Noah didn’t finish this morning. I think I’m going to clean the bathroom. Cat box is on my list. I may even get around to mopping.

I feel like such a good little housewife.

Much yay was had by all.

2 Replies

We had a very productive first part of the day yesterday. It was good. It included a trip up to El Sobrante to pick up our two cases of apple lambic. If you are an apple lambic fan I recommend checking out: www.thecellaronline.com

Then we went to a party! The hosts were some folks I have known in the scene for quite a while. I had a fabulous time. I got to reconnect with a lot of people I haven’t talked to much in years. I have this weird love/hate thing with the scene at this point. I love it because when I go hang out with people I have known for that long I feel extremely comfortable and secure. By golly those folks already like me or don’t like me and I don’t have a thing to prove. It’s a great feeling. But I also feel like many/most scene folk are too insular in that world and I’ve had a hard time with that for a long time. Like: dude, have more than one hobby. I’m certainly not in a place where I could be totally wrapped up in that world any year soon, but on Dore Alley weekend I like to stop and reflect. See, I played for the first time the night before Dore Alley in 2000. It’s my anniversary and I like that it is on such an obvious weekend. 🙂 I’m missing the event for the first time. It’s weird thinking about how my identity is shifting and changing. I like it and I’m happy, but it’s weird.

I spent a fair bit of time visiting with the other baby at the party. His father was one of the first people I ever played with so I’ve known him for a long time. We had a strained semi-hostile relationship for a while but at this point we get along pretty well. The little baby boy was born three hours before the munchkin. I think that is cool. 🙂 Munchkin and he were fascinated with each other. They ‘talked’ at one another and stared and flailed at each other. Very cool. It was kind of funny to talk to someone about how different our babies are at the exact same age. 🙂

So yeah. It was good and I’m happy. Today we get to walk over to the farmer’s market and buy lots and lots of vegetables for the upcoming week. Yes Pandora–more vegetables. 😛

Trust

Leave a reply

Today I got to spend some time with a cool person. This person chose to trust me with something really important. I’m sad that this person had the experience, but I feel pretty proud of the fact that I am safe enough to share it with.

Validation of non-suckage is really nice.

Acupuncture leads to food.

7 Replies

I think that is an amusing headline. 🙂 And it did! This is fabulous. I’m not going to say that acupuncture is the most AMAING THING EVAR, but uhm… it’s pretty damn neat. I managed to eat solid food on two separate occasions today. I haven’t managed that in almost a week. The second meal was tiny, but that’s ok. It’s something. The neato chica sticking me with sharp things also seemed amused at my attempts at silly jokes. She can stay. Which is probably good seeing as Joe kinda likes her. 😉

And today involved some incredibly hot sex. If I was feeling good enough for food *and* sex after acupuncture I am totally going back. Best $100 I have spent in months.

Not to mention that I got a great phone call from one of the most awesomest people I know. My day so rocked.

Odds and ends

Leave a reply

The last few days have been pretty incredibly up and down. I’ve been hit really hard with emotional stuff for a variety of reasons. Getting through this has been very difficult. I wouldn’t exactly say that I feel great or fine at this point, but I’m working on feeling less crappy. I feel like I’m past the honeymoon phase on some things in my relationship but I don’t know if that is so or if my body is going nuts from pregnancy hormones. All I know is that some things are being much harder right now than I can remember them being. There are some very specific people who came through for me on Thursday night and I am so incredibly grateful that I have such amazing people in my life. Thank you and thank you and thank you again. I love you so much.

Last night I went to a party where I knew maybe 10% of the people and it was a crowded party. I had more social anxiety than I have had in a long time. It didn’t help that my stomach was hurting basically the entire time I was there and that limited my interest in being actively social. Being that close to hoards of humanity was difficult so I spent a lot of time hiding in corners. I did get to talk to a few people whom I rarely see and that was pleasant. In the past around this social group I have been pretty boisterous and I noticed how different the atmosphere was when I could not manage that. I think my one regret was that when I sucked up the courage to ask someone to dance I was turned down and I didn’t have the courage to ask anyone else. *shrug* I generally have about one dance per day in me at this point and I really don’t have the chutzpah to push for partners the way you have to when you aren’t one of the “in demand” dancers. Such is life.

Tonight is the DHP. I’m torn between being excited and being terrified. I’m scared that no one will show up. (I know that at least some people will though.) I’m scared that an enormous crowd of people I don’t know will show up. (The hazards of an open-invite party.) I’m sad about scheduling conflicts. (Such is life in this area.) I’m hoping that my body cooperates and lets me have fun. I’m hoping that more than five people show up whom I actually want to talk to. I’m hoping they show up *before* I pass out. (Or that they come late climb in bed with me so I can sleepily talk to them while cuddling. That could be good too. Uhm–if you worry that I wouldn’t want you in bed with me, probably a better idea to err on the side of caution. Please only do this if you really *know* I would want you to.) Well, we are most of the way to ready but of course there is still stuff to do. Time to get moving.

{inner circle} Why stay?

6 Replies

Some of the conversations I am having around the DHP are showing me why I don’t really need to stay in CA. I’m not slamming anyone, it’s ok that people have other priorities in their lives. It’s just making me realize how few people I actually consider friends. It isn’t that I am the best person about making it to events–I’m really not. Usually my reason for not going to events is that I am too tired to make it out of my house. I’m not trying to claim this is a morally superior reason. In fact, the people who have told me they would love to come to the DHP only X, Y, and Z are going on the days before and there is no way they will have the energy–that I really get. But “I already have plans with X friend I see every week” is… something I notice. I don’t think it is bad. Everyone needs to pick priorities and making sure that you follow through on solid commitments to the people who are your good friends is a wonderful thing. But I know that I am not one of the good friends.

Once upon a time I had a very active social life. If an event invitation was sent out I took it as a given that I would be going to the event. I didn’t prioritize much beyond “who sent the invitation out first” because I wasn’t actually close with 98% of the people doing the inviting. My life changed. Now I try hard to make it some events because I genuinely love the people and I skip everything else. This means I rarely go out. I am losing contact and priority among the people who have only been acquintances anyway. And my world has shrunk more quickly than I would have thought possible. I’m actually really ok with that.

There are people I am going to miss a lot. The funny thing is, some of the events I prioritze going to now, I will fly in for in the next few years because they are high enough priority. I’m really not going to miss the rest. And now that I am not going out constantly and people know that trying to fuck me is a futile effort I’m really not someone to draw a crowd the way I used to. That’s ok. Learning who your friends are is important.

Holy Socializing Batman

2 Replies

I got out of the house. On three days out of the four days off. The first day I wasn’t feeling so hot so my socializing mostly consisted of breathing the same air and reading a book while huddled on a couch. Luckily my friends love me. Yesterday we got to a party for a couple of hours. I mostly sat on a couch while Noah talked graphic novels. 🙂 It was good anyway.
Today I remembered that Mr. tigman was in town and going to Dickens Fair. We were going to need to go this weekend or next anyway so we ambled over. We saw so many people. We saw some *good* people. I only had once dance in me so I saved it for my favorite dance partner. Of course it rocked. He didn’t go nuts on spinning me. 🙂 It was amusing telling the other random Fezzi’s fellows that they don’t want to dance with me because they don’t want to wear my lunch. I wouldn’t have put it so bluntly if they hadn’t been so pushy. I got to tell a bunch of people not to touch my stomach. It was amazing to me that people I never talk to or see already know I am pregnant. Apparently the grapevine speaks my name. We got to see other peoples’ babies. Yay babies! My friends make friggin cute kids. Of the six and a bit hours we were at Dickens we were sitting pretty still for more than three hours of them because I wasn’t doing so hot anymore. We stayed to see Naughty French Postcards. We shouldn’t have, the show was extremely uninspiring. Oh well. It was neat talking to people and seeing who said that they would absolutely be willing to come out to Pittsburgh to see me/us. I have a very strong appreciation for being able to look around my life and know who will be in my life no matter where we live.

And now I pay the piper. Physically I am a real mess. I need to go to bed in a big hurry and try to let my body rest. Even though I am likely to be sick pretty much all week for this, it was so worth it. I have some great people in my life. Now, to sleep…

Further proof that my life does not suck.

5 Replies

Today, one of my kids went off campus during lunch and bought me a Jamba Juice. (The kid finishes school at 5th period–that’s the only reason he is allowed to leave.) This was after I bitched him out during 2nd period because he still hasn’t got his book and he was generally being a bit whiney. I think that apologizing after yelling at him probably helped. I told him I had no right to be such a bitch to him and he laughed. 🙂

Last night I jumped my hot honey. It was quite good. Sex is much less frequent these days, but oh so awesome when it happens.

My darling husband came to work with me this weekend and kept me company while I suffered through craptastic work. Have I mentioned that I am incredibly lucky?

We got to be social in three different venues this weekend–none of them for even 2 hours, but that is all the energy we have. It was good to see people. (This is the way to see me these days. Book a slot early in the day for 1-2 hours. That’s all the energy I have.)

And I finally got around to starting Harry Potter. Books 1 and 2 down. 🙂

+/-

11 Replies

– Having to express boundaries in a way that is hard for me to say and hard for others to hear.
+ Expressing anxiety and concern and being heard and supported in totally unexpected ways.
– Allowing anxiety to turn my stomach into an acid pit for weeks.
+ Talking about anxieties with wonderful fabulous people who will support me no matter what.
+ Reading many fabulous books this summer.
+ Painting my house and making it feel more like my home allowing me to banish many of the ghosts that have been here for me.
+ Banishing the ghosts from the past making it more comfortable for other people to be here too.
– Playing phone tag with amazing people and not getting to really connect.
– Missing some of the people I love so much I feel like I drown in it.
+ Being social and getting to see wonderful people.
+ Having a friend buy me a corset!!! (I swear! Pictures soon!!)
+ More work done on my tattoo. Most of it wasn’t so bad. Then we moved to an area that wasn’t numb. That sucked ass through a straw.
– Finding out that my tattoo artist wants to move out of state in February so my tattoo has to be finished before I get pregnant. So uhm, I’m going again before this even has a chance to heal because we have to finish, damnit.
+ Good conversations with people about how size plays into perception of beauty. I really am fascinated by how people perceive size and beauty and how they are related and not. I love that my friends trust me enough to talk to me about this very touchy subject.
+ Plans coming up with people I rarely get to see. There are people in my life I think of as ‘watchers.’ They aren’t really close friends because I hardly ever see them and we do very little with one another in ways that seriously overlap our lives. Yet, I love them and trust them for no obvious reason. Once or twice a year we get together and catch up on all the small and big and good and bad and I feel truly seen. I really appreciate these people and the perspective they give my life. I’m seeing one of them tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it. I also get to see some people in the next few weeks whom I think of as friends but who aren’t close, yet.
+ Running into my sophomore English teacher at Avenue Q and having him ask me to get together to work on curriculum. That is so incredibly validating! Yay! He is one of the teachers I liked the most through the years.
+ Almost done with all the books I need to read for 2A. This is pretty neat. I still am not sure how I want to put it all together though. One more week!
– Not sleeping well or much. This needs to change pronto.
+ Found some really cute wrap skirts on the Haight. They don’t care if I am chunky or thin. 🙂 Yay for versatility!
+ My back hurts less in the aftermath of tattooing than it used to. I’m a little stiff and sore, but really not bad.
+ Still have the best husband ever. Understanding, compassionate, fun, supportive, and totally sexy.

Mostly though, I know I’ve been whining and vague and depressed and upset and … blah for a bit now. Thank you to the people who have reached out. I notice. Thank you for the support and love. I see it and I’m grateful.