Tag Archives: friends

Interesting…

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I just got a phone call from someone I have not been friends with for nearly a year. This person has very strong (alternative) religious beliefs and has offered up himself as a stand-in for me in a major ritual to help deal with some of my karmic/astral issues. I asked him more than once why he wants to do this for me and he said simply because opportunities to do this kind of healing do not come up very often and he feels compassion for my suffering. As difficult as it is for me to accept at face value help from him I told him that I would be honored to have him do work for me.

He is one of those people that I conflict with significantly and yet… there is some sort of odd connection anyway. I recognize the power in what he is trying to do and I have been astounded at the things he understands about me. I don’t know entirely how to feel about the ritual that will commense in about 45 minutes. Although, frankly, if anything can help me deal with the poison that works against me sometimes in life I am grateful.

Strange as it may sound to people who do not share similar spiritual beliefs, I think there is some sort of karmic involvment/debt between he and I and I still don’t know how things will work out in the long-run. Despite rather serious run-ins/anger/hostility… there is something there. I just don’t know what yet.

I wonder how radically my life is going to be affected, for I do believe in the power of these sorts of rituals.

blurbs

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I woke up this morning and checked my email and promptly became a ranting, raving bitch. Well, I finally got my teaching assignment. It is fourty fucking miles from my house. I ranted and was pissy and nasty for a while. Puppy and I went through a debate about whether I should move to SJ and he should move back up to Berkeley basically for the year. This kind of snapped me out of my nastiness. We decided that would suck more than driving and we want to continue living together. I uhhh don’t get to be all nasty about the 9,000 or so miles I am going to put on my car in the next 5 months… I told him that if he thinks he might want to break up with me he better do it now before I go through that or he is going to end up in the hospital because I will beat him so badly he won’t wake up for a week.

Last night I was thanked for driving a friend around on errands yesterday. I literally stopped and blinked. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to do it. What an interesting thought. I wonder how other people’s brains work. (The thank you was very sweet in any case.)

Still no word on financial aid. However, I think that one is going to work itself out eventually and be ok. I am going to take both loans and let one of them sit in my savings account due to my paranoia about my car dying in the next year. Puppy is much more worried about money than I am. I’m actually kind of worried about his stress level above my own. Money doesn’t get to me the way it seems to get to him.

The MA class this semester turns out to be specifically themes in Californian literature as oppossed to American literature overall. Hrm. Uhm, ok. This class is going to be rather difficult and I am always paranoid when I have one term paper that is 40% of my grade. Can we say, “Don’t fuck up.” It’ll be ok though. I am going to get through this with flying colors, damnit. I want to get an A in this class. Just because I want to have another one on my transcript. 🙂

I think my house is going to be messy for the next few months and I could not care less! 🙂 I am actually all of a sudden *so* grateful that I have already made the decision to not do Dickens. The commute and long hours there on top of my already driving sooooo much and working like crazy would be too much. But now I am really happy that I don’t feel like I am making the decision out of last-minute duress. I really like having things be settled already.

I got another good massage last night. Two in two weeks! My life doesn’t suck. 🙂

I have decided that despite the fact that today did not start off on a great foot, I am going to be in a good mood. I have sang the Bumblebee song to myself three times already and I’m still giggling. Now, I am going to make cookies! I’m going to make sooooo many cookies today. I need to have cookies for sarahh and brian1789 so that they can feel the love as they are on their way to Spain. It isn’t easy going far away from your loved ones for a long time. And cause I’m going to make lots of cookies for them I want to bring some to karenbynight and princeofwands too cause they have been including me in their lives more and more and they make me feel very good about myself. Besides, maybe if I bribe them with good enough cookies they will delay moving away from me by another week or so. *sniff* And and and and… the more I think about making cookies, the more people I think need some cookies. I think the cookie fairy needs to visit a large number of households in the next few days… This means I need to get off my ass!

I’m fucking open-minded, damnit.

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Ok, I had a margarita yesterday and impulsively decided to do something. I invited the psycho-ex over. Some of you may start going through your mental rolodex now and think…”But… I thought she didn’t have a psycho ex…” You would be so right. I have entirely reasonable, wonderful ex-boyfriends. Puppy has a psycho ex-girlfriend though. And he wanted me to meet her and I am stupid, so I gave in.

I don’t like her. I don’t like her in any way. She is competitive about everything. If she has done something one time she is better than anyone else who has ever done it. I had my friend Mo over as a buffer, and that was a really smart idea. This bitch had the presumption to sit there and lecture Mo on what working theatre is like. For those of you who don’t know Mo (your life is much less amusing, I’m sorry) she has been a working actor for 30 years. Most of that time in theatre. So this stupid little bitch has been doing theatre for two years and wants to lecture Mo? My jaw literally hit my chest. The conversation morphed and I made a comment about loving amazon.com’s used section because I save messloads of money. She then lectured me on why she believes it is better to support local booksellers because real people are behind them. Look bitch, the people on amazon are real people who need to eat as well. And if I had a rich mommy and daddy footing the bill maybe I could afford to be more fucking liberal with my money as well. Mo and I started talking about Andrew (ok the conversation started because we were discussing porn and I brought up “Lusty Lesbians”) and I showed her the books that he gave me before he moved. Two very very very nice books. One is a copy of Milton printed in 1832 and the other is a book on religious discourse in Italian printed in the mid 18th century. I don’t remember the year and I have to stop and think about roman numerals too hard. This prompted this bitch to go off on how she has an extensive collection of old religious books in numerous languages. I think if she hadn’t had a nasty tone of voice I would have felt she was trying to identify with me, but she wasn’t. She was trying to top me and I just don’t play those games. I was just talking about how great Andrew was, not how great I am for having two books. Whoopie. The objects aren’t important in and of themselves and I am not going to play games about who is better for having them.

I want to get this bitch in a room with japlady so bad I can taste it. I even told Puppy that I really want those two to be in a room together. Yeah… it will be funnier than hell. About 15 minutes into the conversation my thought was japlady is going to hate her. I am sick enough that this made my smile go from ear to ear.

She lectured me about Disney. Ok. Stop and think about this one. I am a major Disney-phile who has done more research than a sane person should on the history of the movies and somewhat about the company. AND I did my best to do my focus on children’s literature. Ok bitch, tell me again about how Disney changed the stories? I’m too stupid to understand and I need small words as you tell me this surprising fact. I think this section of the conversation alone would have made me hate her. Do Not talk down to me on one of my pet topics. Just don’t. It is a fast way of earning my emnity.

And those games that japlady predicted? In spades and of course Puppy didn’t notice. Lots of female game playing shit possessive references to him and his family and friends. She has seen him recently and he told me she already asked those questions, but uhm… they had to be said in front of me to indicate that she has some sort of insider knowledge? I don’t give a shit. He looked at something on the computer and then closed the browser. The desktop picture is one of he and I and the rest of his family when we were white water rafting in North Carolina last month. Her eyes narrowed and she asked about the picture in a really nasty tone of voice. I started blinking and felt flat shocked. Dude. At least try to hide your nastiness. I kind of felt like she declared war and I didn’t have to be nice anymore.

And she is very young. We got into a debate on word origin of the word cohort and Puppy pulled out his Latin dictionary. She started thumbing around idly and started doing the Beavis and Butthead laugh when she found the word “coitus.” I couldn’t help myself. I said, “Wow. I feel like I am sitting in a high school classroom.” She didn’t like that at all and was really pissy. She brought it up and was nasty about it four more times before she left.

I feel no need to become friends with this petty, obnoxious, little girl. I gave it a shot. I’m done. And yes, I think she is potentially dangerous. That kind of fierce competition with no filter on her impulsive behavior is dangerous. I don’t think it matters what I think. Puppy is going to do whatever he wants.

woof

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And that is a deadpan, non-emotive woof. I am freakin exhausted. I slept for a couple of hours tonight and I still hurt from exhaustion. I actually got an almost-normal amount of sleep this weekend so I’m not completely sure why I am this tired.

I had quite the weekend. I went down to Santa Cruz with my nephew for the beach burn. During the weekend he did something stupid (he is 15 after all) and I said, “Good going genius.” For the rest of the weekend everyone there called him Genius and it was put on his name tag. He told me he likes it and wants it to stick as his nickname. Odd boy. He was surprised at my ability to track exactly how much alcohol and pot he did over the weekend. I kept telling him, “Dude–these are my friends. Of course they will rat on you.” He stayed at a moderate level though and given that his mother is ok with him using both substances, I kept my mouth shut. I did ask him to stop mid-way through Friday night because I felt he was at the limit of what he should do in a night and he stuck with my recommendation. I was glad. It was interesting taking him down there because he got to see examples of people who use responsibly and people who use irresponsibly and it was kind of cool to see the dichotomy up close. He also handled the sexual innuendo pretty well and told me that the party will be a whole lot more fun when he is over 18 and the girls don’t avoid him like the plague. I can see that….

I learned some lessons this weekend that I have learned before so I feel like a schmuck for not having actually absorbed them before. I don’t like loud, large, anonymous parties. I just don’t. I don’t have fun; I don’t feel safe; I don’t relax. So why do I go to them? I think I believe that they should be fun, or maybe I believe that since I am so much of an extrovert that I must like large parties… right? Well I just don’t. I hate them. And loud music makes my stomach hurt and I get grumpy. I need to not go to them anymore. It isn’t that I am a stick-in-the-mud, I just prefer smaller gatherings.

Puppy and I had a couple of blow-ups and two long and hard discussions. There are things in this relationship that are very hard for me. We really do have trouble communicating. He pointed out that a big part of our problem is that we are too much alike. We are both extremely sensitive and emotional. We both take teasing too seriously and get upset and we both feed off of one another’s upset. ugh. It is like he is a cross between Noah and Tom. He has many of the qualities that I loved so much about Tom, but he wants to process… a lot… Yeah. That is straight up Noah territory. Ostensibly this should be the best of both worlds… if we can figure one another out… I’m scared because I want to run more than I have wanted to run in a very long time. This relationship is absolutely terrifying to me on a basic level and I can’t entirely figure out why.

So uhm… yeah…

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EDIT: Bry and Sarah have earned my everlasting devotion. They had it anyway, but they get extra props now. 🙂

Lots of people have asked me what I would like them to bring. My answer is typically: you, yourself, and anything you think you would like to have.

But uhm… I woke up this morning with a craving…

A blended vanilla creme from Starbuck’s. They are freakin good. This is one of those NO COFFEE drinks. I don’t drink coffee.

I will love someone forever. Ok, so I’m going to love my friends anyway, but if someone has a hankering to spoil me I would be very grateful.

(In other news: I am likely to be in a really good mood all day despite being very tired. I have had sex not once, not twice, not three times, but four times in the last 24 hours. I’m really sore, but happy. Looks like Puppy just needs the right encouragement. [Me crying cause I feel rejected and unhappy and I get all antsy and pissy sans sex.])

Introvert v. Extrovert

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I have always thought of myself as a rather extreme extrovert. I could never seem to get enough attention/interaction… you name it. I NEED to be around people.

But… I wonder if I have always felt this way because I was operating from a defecit. I never did get much time with people. I was alone because I had no choice–not because I wanted it. I didn’t have friends consistently until my late teens because we moved so often. I spent most of my childhood alone reading a book–kind of the model of introvert, but I was never happy about it. Starting with when I got involved with theatre at LGHS I fought being alone with all of my strength and energy. I kept up the fight until some ways into my relationship with Tom. I often complained about how boring he was because he wanted to sit at home and watch tv, but I was really part of the problem. I wanted him to stay home, but I wanted him to pay more attention to me. It was a difficult arrangment to figure out.

Now, I have been out and out and out and out for the past few months. I have been out so much that Miss Jenny has complained that I am gone far more than I am home–and it has been true in the main. But I returned from Ireland 26 days ago and I have slept somewhere other than my bed 7 times and no one has slept here. This is a rather drastic shift from how things had been happening in the previous three months. And they are shifting because I want them to. I have essentially turned down sex because I knew the person would want to spend the night/snuggle afterwards and I just wasn’t in the headspace for it. I am sleeping alone because I want to. I am breaking dates and staying home because I don’t want to deal with people. It is weird. This is entirely counter to the image I have of myself. I have even skipped some dance things because I just didn’t want to deal with people. I am having more and more trouble getting out of the house on time for dates/events because I just can’t bring myself to face the people. It really isn’t that I don’t want to see/don’t like the people–because I do. I really love and treasure the people in my life. But I’m feeling very overwhelmed by them.

For a while I’m going to try to go to events on my own rather than have a date. If I already have a date with you scheduled, I’m going to try to keep it–but please don’t take it personally if I cancel. I just feel over peopled right now. It’s like I am caving in under the pressure. The semester has begun and despite the fact that my grades weren’t that bad last semester, I need them to be higher this semester. This is going to necessitate more time spent on school.

I don’t know how this is going to play out. But I’m beginning to think I might actually be an introvert who manages to survive fairly well in an extrovert world rather than the extrovert I have always believed.

Very odd.

Hello and such

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I just decided to go through and notice: Oh! I have been friended!

Who in the hell are you people?!!??!! You haven’t been reading much that was interesting. Why did you stay? Hopefully it just got more interesting.

Ok: filters and how they work. My filters are mostly opt-in. I may toss you in on one or more if I think you want to hear it, but mostly… yeah you have to say you want it.

I have dirty. (This is generally slightly racy stuff that I think a couple of people don’t want to see. Most people default into this filter but if for some reason you strike me as SHOCKABLE I leave you out.)
I have even dirtier. (This is generally graphic details of my sex life.)
I have insecurity babbling.
I have relationship updates. (I do this one mostly so that I keep track of things for myself. I hate my memory.)
I have my foreys into trying less than wholesome substances. (This filter is small. You can ask to be in it, but I might still decide I don’t want you seeing that.)
I have my RANT filter.

Do you want to see any of this crap? You have to ask or I won’t assume.

Play safe. Come back. Tell stories.

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Well. I played safely. I played a looooooooooooooot. I don’t know who I am coming back to. I guess that means it is time to tell stories. Heh. I do love that part.

Ok. This is going on my tightest filter, so whereas normally if people talk about what I post with whoever else is on my friends-list it isn’t a big deal… this time… not many are seeing it. So for once…. yeah. Please don’t broadcast. 🙂

I engaged in some interesting behavior this weekend. I was even more out there than I normally am. Friday night was not out there really, I went to the Citadel. The highlight of the night was when a friend was getting ready to beat me and she wanted me to take my clothes off. There was a row of like six people just standing there watching the scene. She told them to turn around so I could get undressed, I was faking modesty, and they all did it!!!! I about died laughing!!!!!!!

Fabulous. I also got to suspend my best friend for the first time. That was cool. I’m glad we finally shared that.

Saturday… I got stuff done at home then I went off to an e party. This was a small party at a friend’s house. I am going to work like crazy not to give identifying information, but that is hard! (If I say anything too obvious please yell at me and I will edit.)

The party started off with some house cleaning and food prep. It felt good to be creating space for the event and I felt like I was more than just a guest. I liked that. When we were all ready to get started we sat in the living room in a circle. We discussed rules of the house, it is always wonderful to be clear on these things! Then I passed around some Magnessium (helps with jaw clenching) and we got to roll. As things were getting started we played a name game. I still feel like there are 6 people who went (out of 14) that I barely know. I do know their names of course… but I don’t know them. I didn’t talk to them. S’ok. I actually didn’t spend the night quite how I expected to. There was a couple I expected to play with a lot that I didn’t play with at all. There was another couple that I expected to sort of, kind of play with that I not only played with for most of the party, I followed them home the next day! (More on this later)

I actually spent a huge chunk of the night sitting in a bedroom with one person. He was looking at porn (a fine and noble task I say) so I picked up my laptop and showed him bunches of naked pictures of me and I read him some of the stories I have read about things I have done. This was a fantastical ubercool way to spend a bunch of the night. (I wandered in and out.) I had a serious case of short attention span this time. It was ok though. I had a tremendous amount of sex. I was told it was hours and hours worth. 😀 Yay. All I know is I felt physically GOOD all night long. I didn’t have jaw issues. I got a little bit of the scratchies, but not as much as I have in the past. I didn’t get into conversations much. Other people were being chatty and doing the soul-revealing thing. I just wasn’t there. I didn’t want to talk. It was like my brain wanted to be disconnected. Somehow the reading felt different. I wasn’t having to connect with myself in the moment. I have been doing a lot of introspection lately and I was really happy to take a break from that.

Side note- I have been ‘big’ all weekend. I haven’t once felt any inclination to go little. Well, I did have a sippie cup at the party, but that was more about an oral fixation than about being little. I noticed this as I drove home this morning. I haven’t felt big for this long in I couldn’t tell you when. I have no idea what triggered it. Anyway. More story.

I really enjoyed the party. I liked touching and being touched. I enjoyed the playing with the couple. I fell asleep before the party wound down (big shocker there) so this of course means that I woke up long before anyone else. Even I hate being such an insane morning person sometimes. I got up to go out to the hot tub so that I wouldn’t bug other people in the house too much. The man I had spent most of the night playing with was up. He asked if he could follow me out to the hot tub and of course I agreed. 🙂 This lead to more yummy playing. With the sun coming up. It was breathtaking. Hell yeah. Gotta do that again some day.

Eventually we got out and I tried to snuggle but I was too antsy. People started rousing and I spent some time talking a little with one of the most amazing women I know. I was really happy to have time with her. We decided that it was time to start breakfast. I ran off to the market and amused a group of elderly people on the way back. *shrug* It’s not my fault that they don’t understand about the blue world.

Breakfast took a while to totally produce, but that was way ok. We were all…. a bit… slow… Snuggling and cuddles took place for the whole morning and into the afternoon. I finally left to follow the couple home. I stopped by my house first because I thought clean clothes and a shower were a very good idea.

I got to their house feeling somewhat apprehensive. I felt like I had been invited by the husband and not by the wife. That is a very hard thing for me. I had one situation some months ago where my behavior caused pain to someone’s partner and I’ve been feeling really gun-shy about such things since. It turned out remarkably well though. Wow. We did nitrous and pot for uhhhh a long time. I have no idea how long really. And we had sex and sex and sex and sex. It was rather remarkable to me that they were functional enough to keep up the supply. I sure as hell wasn’t. Eventually they really hit my max capacity of substance usage. I curled up and went *poof* Dragging me downstairs for food was hard. I couldn’t believe how functional they were.

Then I passed out. Hard. I got lots of sleep again! Yay. I woke up this morning and talked with their daughter for a while. That was surreal for me. I had some mixed emotions about the situation, but it was ok. She is amazingly bright, and talkative, and social. I was incredibly impressed. I went back upstairs after an hour or so and climbed back into bed with them. The snuggling rocked. Of course more sex happened. I enjoyed that talking that finally started to happen. Eventually the lovely lady asked for some alone time with her husband and I scooted out. It was really good. I was delighted that she asked. It means that I will feel more comfortable next time because I will trust her to let me know when she is ready for me to leave. I’m always terrified of over-staying my welcome and I often leave things early because I don’t want to overstay. I think I miss out on a lot of good bonding time because I’m afraid of pushing. 🙁

Anywho. Very fabulous. I am a happy happy girl. Now I need to hop in the shower, get dressed and have lunch with a hot boy. Then I will help clean house. Then I will maybe come clean my own room. (HA!) Then I am heading over to see James and go to Plough and Death Guild. Wow. There are too many things to do!!!

I can’t say my life sucks. Cause it really doesn’t. That adrenaline rush of “ooooh attention!!!” has been kind of fading. It got a gnarly slap in the ass this weekend. I think I’m ok coasting for a bit again. Now it just comes down to scheduling.
“Love is limitless, time is not.”