Tag Archives: life

Date watching

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I’m obsessed with keeping track of time. I’m just like that. Some big upcoming dates.

August 29: Kids come back to school.
September 1: I run off to Burning Man
September 9: The wedding of my oldest friend. (I have known Britt since birth.)
September 10: The wedding reception of the man I negotiated poly to date. He married the gorgeous woman he was dating when I fell for him. I’m so glad that I got to love him and then to love her as well. (Not that way you filthy perverts.) Congratulations again to you both. I’m so happy for you both.
September 10: I turn 25.
September 14: I will have been dating Spot for six months. Damn how time flies.
September 15-17: Roadtrip to Disneyland with my lovely Noah and with Spot. Heh. We’ll see if this poly experiment crashes and burns. I have high hopes. (Hell, I already know all the drama will come from me because they are both so mellow. Let’s see how stupid I act.)
September 20: Spot’s birthday. He is going to be hella old, but I won’t rat on him and report just *how* old.
September 28: Six months since Noah dropped a huge bomb on me.
September 30: Next tat sitting. *shudder*

Good god. I think that is enough to keep track of in one month. *beat head against wall*

Adventures–most of which have not been the best ever.

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Today I get to go find a tow place and deal with my car. It is going to take more money for me to finally be an adult and deal with the stupid thing ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! *sigh* I’m not grown up yet or this wouldn’t have gotten to this point.

Last night I ate at the Elephant Bar for the first time. And the meal ended up being free because I killed a cockroach crawling on the wall of the booth. The waiter and manager were horrified. I’m willing to bet they were far more freaked out than I was. dude. I lived in SoCal. ‘Roaches are just part of life.

Despite the fact that I didn’t drag Spot off to the gym last night I had a really good time with him. Conversation was diverse and interesting and other things went damn well. 🙂

Still miss that Noah guy.

Today I get to do lots of errands. Go to the post office for the Noah. Deal with my car. Set up my classroom. Go to my first class at SJSU. I am kind of being a bad person about the SJSU class though. I don’t really want to take a poetry writing workshop. But there are no other classes this semester that appeal to me more. *sigh* I’m kind of wondering if I should just wait a semester and take a class I actually *like* and will enjoy working for next semester. It isn’t like all of my requirements are going to be done this semester anyway. It’s complicated. I have 6 hours to think about this. I don’t think it would be the end of the world, really. Hell–even if I waited a whole year it isn’t like my credits will expire or become a problem and I have a shitload on my plate right now.

I’m just not feeling adult enough to handle one more thing right now I think.

Navel gazing

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And it’s even public-like because I know there are people who check occasionally and want dirt. Social shit is so strange.

In my interest in getting some semblence of contact with that boy I like I am reading his archive for the first time. I had never gone back to the beginning and read the whole history before. It’s weird. I am getting to watch the rise and fall and sometimes rise again and fall again of his relationships. I now know a bit more about when he bought his house and who gave input into that decision. I know more about why he is so freaked out about car maintanence. I can read evidence of him being pretty seriously unhappy for a very long time. Maybe bitter is a better word than unhappy but… all the same in the end.

So yeah. I know there are people who will read this who are not on my friends list. I know that some of them have been hugely involved in lots of his history. It’s a weird thought. Given that I have mostly only seen the fall out of people being unpleasant post-relationships it is interesting to see a bit more of when things didn’t suck. I have never understood why people can be so into someone and then later be so completely nasty. It isn’t as if I haven’t been dumped before, but I just see no point in hating ex’s. It may be vain of me to assume that some of those hostile ex’s (of his–I don’t have any) will read this given that we are demonstrably not friends, yet… given some things that have turned up in weird places it doesn’t seem vain so much as realistic. This boy is rather intoxicating and people hold on to that interest even when they are mad at him for ending a relationship. Why though? Why be so angry? Are your opinions really so changeable that whether or not someone is fucking you affects your evaluation of the person as a whole? I do think this will be read. I don’t think it will be responded to though.

It’s kind of weird filling in gaps in his history and having to accept those parts of the past as just part of him. I don’t get along with everyone (hell-not even most of the people) he has dated. That’s ok. It is interesting trying to see what he got out of relationships with people I have issues with. I’m trying to be all open minded and shit. We’ll see how it turns out.

And yeah, I mean you. And you. But not you, or you either.

Sad day

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I’m seriously overtired and that makes me more inclined to be sad. I am tired because I stayed up late helping Noah pack and generally clinging to him like a lichen. Before I even dropped him off I was already aching with missing him. This is going to be a very long six days. I am such a wuss. This is only going to be six days. That is like 1/3 of how long I was in New York. But things are different now. I wasn’t used to living with him then. I wasn’t used to seeing him first thing every morning and every night. I was still adjusting to the endless hours of processing. I can comfortably say that I am fine with them now. Ok, I still hit limits sometimes… but not as often. The hard moments are getting easier and easier. And… I just miss him.

I told him that I don’t know if I will be able to sleep in our bed cause it is really big and scary and empty. He asked me to try so that I stop thinking of the other bed as ‘mine’ and the big bed as ‘his.’ I’ll try. I forsee crying tonight.

The weird thing? The biggest consolation I have is that he is going to be sleeping with the Super Princess while he is gone. It feels like he is joining me in a tradition. I like that.

Weekendy post

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So there I was, nursing my 151 and diet Pepsi…

I like introducing people to my Northern California neuroticisms: turn off the water while you brush your teeth, turn off the water while you wash your car, turn the water off while you are doing dishes… I don’t know if other Nor Cal folks are as freakish about this, but my upbringing made a serious impact on me. (Miss Jenny–can you leave water running? See, tonight Noah and I washed our new car for the first time together. We had different systems. Of course mine won. 😉 No wasting water damn you! Don’t you know that we could be in a drought ANY MINUTE?!?!?!!!! 🙂 I’m so glad he puts up with me.

Anyway. We wasted some time and some money this weekend. We went to one of the most useless classes I have ever been to. It was bioenergetics of rope. During the class the teacher introduced a shitload of jargon I have never heard before, refused direct requests to explain, and then proceeded to spend 6 hours talking while telling us that the theory doesn’t matter, only the practice does. Oh, the practice means we did a little scene off on the side of the room and the creepy guy watched. What a fucking schmuck. I got better answers to my (many, many, many) questions from other students. Noah’s comment after the first day of the class was, “I liked the hunted look he had after a while of you asking question after question.” Today he just looked annoyed. It seemed like he went home and decided that he wouldn’t let that pain in the ass derail his class again! Schmuck. He ignored almost all interesting questions and was totally hypocritical. He also told me that the way I have been doing suspension (as a top and as a bottom) is just plain wrong and didn’t really explain why. There was also another chick in the class who very smugly said that suspension is very physically grueling and it just isn’t something that everyone can do. Why yes, you obsessive yoga-doing-freak there are kinds of suspension that are physically grueling enough that I wouldn’t do them with just anyone. Like lifting someone into an inverted suspension by one ankle. I won’t do that because you can pull the leg out of joint if there is too much pressure. But clearly her standards are different than mine because I have done that exact suspension while weighing about 190 pounds and I was incredibly inflexible. I am quite confident that I can suspend *anyone* thankyouverymuchyoulittlebitch. Oh, and they spent a while going off on how western style suspensions are inherently inferior to Japanese style rope.

By this rant you can’t tell that they seriously pissed me off. Really, I bet you can’t. Fuckers. In other news–the scene with Noah was Hawt. I loves me my boy.

And if I move further back in time I am looking at a long-overdue date with Spot on Friday. During this date I was tired, boring, and generally unentertaining. I swear honey–I will make it up to you. It was a hard week.

But yeah. It’s been a weekend. 🙂

Quoteable

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“What are you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about my trip to Japan and the fact that I would like to bring a digital camera and was wondering if I could borrow yours.”
“Of course. You do realize that with this whole marriage thing it’s basically yours now too?”
BIG HUGE CHEESY GRIN

I likes making the boy happy.

Insanity.

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My school is seriously desperate for English teachers. We are down by 3 full time teachers. (This means we have 15 class sections to place.)

This means we are cutting small class sizes for the freshman–this will eliminate the need for 7 of those class sections. But we are still short of teachers for 8 sections. Two people have gone back to full time from part time and they are begging people to take an extra section.

I volunteered. It looks like I will probably be teaching six classes next year. It will be an extra $7K/year. I made the request that it be an extra section of English 3 and not Comp & Lit for that class will be more stressful for me. We’ll see. This would put a bit of an accelaration towards paying off my student loan debt.

The extra load of grading will probably pretty much eliminate my social life this year. Hm. I’m telling myself that I am doing this for the good of my school and for the students and the extra money won’t suck. Scary though. I move from 20% to 120%. Dude! This looks like my life! ha.

Laundry question

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So I tried being a good little internet enabled girly and looked for the answer to my question and found http://www.geektimes.com/michael/culture/clothing/kilts/utilikilts/care.html

But now I want to ask you, the Utilikilt enabled members of my friendslist a question. How do you launder your Utilikilt? What has worked the best for maintaining the hot look that so many pulled off on Sunday?

Traditionally I have washed it in cold water and then had it lay flat to dry. That worked well with Tom’s so now I am doing it with Noah’s as well. Any other thoughts?

Bitches, boundaries, and dirty little secrets.

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When I was a kid my mother was fond of telling me: “We keep our dirty laundry in the closet” meaning that we do not discuss the horrible things that happen behind closed doors. I internalized this message and didn’t tell anyone I was abused for years. When I was 15 and had a series of breakdowns I came to the conclusion that I could not live by her directive. Instead I decided that I would have no secrets. I would do absolutely nothing I was ashamed to talk about generally. And if I ever did find I had something I was ashamed of I would talk about it as publicly as possible because then there would be nothing that could be held over my head. I can never have someone emotionally blackmail me with something I have done. I have accepted a small change in this policy in the past couple of years as I have slightly gone into the closet for my job. This has been incredibly emotionally stressful for me and paved the road for me to start keeping other things private. I recently had to look at myself and my life and what I am doing and I realized that I have a dirty little secret. I have something I am deeply ashamed of and that I am hiding from people. When your behavior is at odds with how you claim your behavior is that means that either your opinion of yourself/your ethics is out of date or you need to change your behavior. Given that I am still proud of my basic code of ethics that means that I need to undertake the very difficult and painful task of living up to it.

So here I am. This is my confession. This journal entry is not really filtered for a variety of reasons. I need to say these things about myself in a basically public way because that is how I operate when it comes to things that are bad. I cannot hide them. I debated with Noah long and hard the merits of doing this in a public way and essentially this is something that I need for me. So a lot of people who read this journal are not really used to my harsh self-analyzing posts so this one may be really hard for you. I invite you to skip it if you feel that the messy inner workings of my mind are things that do not need to be part of your life. And given the nature of gossip, if anyone chooses to break the basic confidentiality implied by my journal please at least have the respect for me to tell me that you are sharing this entry with other people. I feel I deserve that.

So here we go–a rather unhappy and dark picture of me.

Progress.

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So we’re up to 8 days of suck. It’s been exciting. But we’ve also been steadily making progress. We’ve figured out how to work around my, “I don’t announce in a group that I am upset–EVER” thing in order to usefully communicate. That was good. We’ve talked more about how time should be spent in general at group events. We have talked a lot about what we each want from play and how to get there. And last night we made up an Actual Rule. We modeled it off a friend. His rule is that he can’t date anyone crazier than him cause HE is the psycho in the relationship. We modified that a bit. Noah isn’t allowed to date anyone crazier than me. I’m the psycho in his life. This pleases me, because as much as I am crazy–I don’t deny this–I’m a fairly low drama crazy. Other crazy chicks are very high drama and they make my life suck. No more. 🙂

And you know, the best part? That as we are going through some conversations that are not fun and not easy to have, well they are getting easier. I’m feeling less defensive and hostile before we even begin cause he is actually listening to me and responding to my concerns on an ongoing basis, so why get hostile? And boy my throat is happy about the lower volumes. I think I’m picking the right boy.

Oh, and Angela, Joe, and Ali–thank you. Thank you more than I can ever express. I love you all soooo much. I’m grateful that you are my friends. Thank you for listening to my angst and hurt and helping me get through them to the useful parts.

Brain gurggling.

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The tat seems to be doing much better than expected. It isn’t painful anymore but it is INCREDIBLY sensitive. It’s kind of nifty.

Thanks to a fabulous girl in the city I am reading, The Devil Wears Prada and loving it greatly. Yay.

Tonight I get to introduce one of my oldest friends to my boys and that should be fun. Hell, it will be great to see her. I think it has been a year this time. (She works on a cruise ship so I don’t see her much.)

I am having a real hard time making nice in a few places and I want to scream and punch people. Not necessarily the people I don’t want to deal with, just someone as a stand in to let out frustration. I’m not actually angry at the people I don’t want to deal with it’s just… complicated.

I am so angry with the city-centrists that I would like to say fuck you to all of them and stop going to anything in the city, ever. If you are so fucking selfish that ONE GOD DAMN TIME you won’t come to my house then fuck all of you fucking fucks. saljid;ljksdfljk;sdflj;kdsfljk;

Damn me and my unrealistic expectations. I need to stop looking at someone and saying, “I want you to do ‘x'” when I know they only signed up for ‘y’. *sigh*

I keep having nightmares about showing up on the first day of school without a syllabus. I feel so woefully unprepared for my whole life right now.

I have procrastinated the shit out of about a dozen things right now and I don’t know why. Normally I would be unpacked already, even with my busy schedule. I can’t seem to force myself to do it. I don’t know where the block is coming from. I haven’t sat down and made a budget. I haven’t started looking for a contractor. I haven’t dealt with my car. Just the thought of what I need to do makes me want to break down in tears.

I need to find some vicodin before my next tat appointment. Uhm… anyone?

Is it unreasonable for me to hide in my room and cry all day just out of anxiety and frustration? I don’t want to do all the things I need to do. I don’t want to think about having do deal with all of the people I have to deal with. I’m really tired of thinking about the people. Why can’t I just declare that I don’t like someone and not deal with them? Oh yeah. Social groups don’t work that way. *sigh*

The pretty, the spiritual, and the ouchie.

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All in one. Isn’t that convenient. So a while back I started talking about how I thought that I was moving towards being ready to get a tattoo and because I had in my head a picture of what I wanted. Well, here is the start of it: http://people.tribe.net/justsomegirl/photos/0984ce8e-c235-4542-b889-1d77d41e4c57

Ok, the story:
It’s a girl standing in front of a willow tree that happens to be bearing apples. Stay with me for a bit. The willow tree is meant to represent one that grew in front of the house my family lived in when I was about 9. That is when my brother had just been released from the hospital after being in a coma for a long time and going through minimal rehabilitation before he was shunted off to permanent live-in facilities. During this period my brother spent a lot of his time trying to kill me because he hated me for being normal. He had a traumatic brain injury the likes of which rarely manages to survive at all, let alone recover to the degree he did. But he was never “normal”. He had ataxia (spel?) which means that his entire body shook at all times and due to the trachiotamy (spel?) he didn’t speak in anything resembling a normal fashion. He really hated me. So I would climb into that tree and cry. My mother was rarely home because she worked long hours trying her very best to keep a roof over our heads. My sister was about 22 and had a very young child (

So there is a girl standing in front of a tree. A tree that has all the meaning in the world to me. A tree that in many ways saved my soul, and maybe even my life some days as Tommy chased me with knives. The girl in the picture is me, but specifically also not me. She is just a girl. She is someone who is also searching. Around her legs are brambles that have cut her legs. In the brambles are the things she has had to work through: hate, anger, and self-doubt. In the tree, attached to the apples (I actually didn’t 100% intend the Garden of Eden imagery it just kind of happened) are banners that will show what she is working so hard to get to. She is reaching for a fruit that bears the word, “forgive”. Others in the tree are: hope, love, trust, faith, and lust because these are all things I want in my life more than I can say. They aren’t things that are easy to reach for. In fact, I have to work very hard but it is worth all the pain and discomfort the process entails. She is naked because she no longer has shame. There is nothing behind her that she is going to hide herself from in any way.

There is hope ahead.

So that’s the story behind this tattoo. Today while I was getting it I discovered that I had no fucking clue how much such a thing was going to hurt. OHMYGOD. And I process pain in two basic ways, I make noise or I move around a lot. Guess what I can’t do while getting a tattoo? Yeah, no moving. So this left crying and yelling out my agony. This was fine for the first part as my artist had wanted me to come in before shop hours because he is leaving town this afternoon. When people started arriving for their day their hostility and irritation were palpable in the air. They yelled back more than once, “When are you going to be done with this one?” and one woman when walking by stated, “No one else would put up with this crap.” It is my nightmare come true to have people be angry with me for processing pain in the only way I know how. This is something I have some serious baggage about. So I started crying nearly hysterically because I had to be silent and that lead to some really deep emotional pain on top of the physical pain. We stopped early. That is why there is no ink on the top part of my back. I couldn’t work through the pain in such a hostile environment. We have agreed that all of my future work will start hours before the shop opens so that there will be no disapproval in the air. He is a fabulous artist and I am really glad I chose him, but his co-workers kind of suck. When we were done and I was crying and crying he held me close and stroked my hair and told me that it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to let out pain. I really like him. He sees my fight against being honest with my pain. I’m glad that if I am going to have continued agony it will be with him guiding me through it.

Evil speaketh its name

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And it is… Procrastination.

I swear to god I have made a lot of progress today. It’s just not super easy to see because I am a dork and I get stuck in small details. *sigh* I went over to Ikea today looking for a few specific things and then realized that I didn’t know what sizes/colors I needed so the trip was kind of silly. But I wandered around and got ideas. Then I went to Target for big plastic containers. I didn’t buy too many because I wasn’t sure how things were going to shake out. I came home and realized I need a bunch more. S’ok. Buying more is easier than returning stuff I don’t need.

Cleaning house is a pain when I don’t want to do much with Noah’s stuff without him around. I don’t yet actually feel comfortable just going through his stuff without him present. I’m sure I’ll get over it. 🙂 But at Target, in honor of telling Noah that I would actually marry him (so far I’ve been saying maybe) I bought a wedding organizer and promptly almost had a panic attack. Jesus Christ. Am I actually doing this?! Looks like I am. Alright. Suck it up and get through it. (For the record: the scary part is the wedding, I’m looking forward to being married.) So now I am procrastinating mightily because I just pissed off my back by trying to move the monstrous filing cabinet without help. Sometimes my impatience is counter productive.

Things to deal with in the next few months:
Start actual wedding plans.
Remodel the house.
Put together at least two more unit plans before the start of school so that I walk in with a full year plan for juniors and a good start on… whatever else they give me. (WHOO HOOO! Just checked work email. I have three classes of Juniors and two classes of comp/lit. They are the low performing/behavior problem kids. I’m really excited! No really–I asked for them. 🙂
Get ready for Burning Man.
Am I helping organize TNG4?! Scary thought. It’s been brought up and discussions are starting… that will be decided in the next month probably.
Oh dear lord. I think that is going to be enough to eat my brain for the next year. Good thing I’m plucky!

(Travel stuff coming soon… I swear.)

Just thought I would say

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Today is Independence Day. Probably the most impact that has on me is simply that Thomas Jefferson was an amazing writer and I am thinking about the fact that I want to go find a few more books with essays by him. I may or may not watch fireworks; I don’t really care one way or another.

This last weekend was very interesting. I went to a con and took a lot of classes that really made me think. I didn’t play much, but what play I did was SOOPER HAWT!!! Very exciting. Even more exciting was calling my Noah right before the second bit of play and having him laugh and tell me to go have fun. I really love my boy.

So after the conference and the lots of thinking I started being all insecure and off-kilter. I got to talk to my Spot for a long time and I felt a bit better about that interaction but my Noah was off being all social like and for a little bit I had a hard time with that. But me being me when he asked if I was ok I said I was fine. Him being him he called me when he got home even though it was massively late cause he seems to be able to smell it when I lie.

We had a hard and scary conversation. We talked about feeling vulnerable and afraid to trust one another with some big things that are close to our hearts. It was really really hard. I’m having to look at the fact that even though I trust him more than anyone else in the world I don’t know if I trust him enough yet. This weekend I had to look at how much a few things with Tom really hurt my self-worth and ability to trust someone in some very specific ways. I hadn’t really been aware of how bad that trust damage was until this weekend when I tried to talk about that stuff. But I told him that he had to shut up for a while (dude, it’s Noah) and I let out this outpouring of scary stuff about what I want versus stuff that I’m afraid are needs and how scared I am to really go after things that I think may be needs. He listened, and more importantly: I think he heard me.

I’m still scared. And I miss him so much I ache inside. I don’t get to see him for seven more days and those days feel like they will last 3,000 years. I told someone about seven months ago, “If anything like this would ever work for me it would work with Noah” thinking that I would never get this shot. But I have it.

Please God, let me not fuck this up.