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The good and the bad of a weekend date with Google Boy (so far)

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Good:

  • When I arrived I discovered that he had a stuffed animal in the bed waiting for me in case I had not brought Ted. He has paid attention to me apparently.
  • He spent 2 1/2 hours making dinner for me. There was an amazing array and quantity of food. Not to mention that the presentation was spectacular.
  • So much amazing hot sex including a first for him that was rather lovely for me. He tied me up for the second time and once again did a spectacular job–I am seriously impressed with his imagination. I do so love me the boyscouts.
  • He made a really lovely breakfast yesterday as well. Followed by the ice cream we were too full to eat the night before. 🙂
  • Lots of slackage and more hot sex yesterday.
  • Lots of doing dishes and horrifying his housemate. “Guests should not be doing dishes!!!!” “Guess he’s never met a service girl before?”
  • A really sweet walk on the beach that involved lots of storytelling and him actually sharing stuff about himself. I thought it would take a lot longer before I learned these kinds of things about him.
  • A silly trip to the grocery store that felt very normal and like “just life” in a wonderful way.
  • A lovely time sitting around late last night drinking wine and more more more talking. (Ok, bits of that talking are fuzzy. That third glass was a doozy.)
  • Snuggling up for sleep with him and the stuffed animal again and just feeling happy.
  • Snuggling up this morning when he came back to bed really annoyed from work and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he smiled even though he had been super grumpy just seconds before.

Bad:

  • Said lovely dinner didn’t happen until 10:30 because we didn’t get here till 8. I was kind of cranky and light headed by then.
  • He wanted to watch TV yesterday and I told him if he did that I was going to just go home. He decided that wasn’t a good way to prioritize his time this weekend even if he is weeks behind on his shows.
  • Being cold most of the time. Santa Cruz is like that though.
  • Lots of bad dreams last night centering around feeling guilty.
  • I feel guilty today that I haven’t gone home and this date is starting to feel like spending a weekend with a boyfriend as opposed to a date with a shiney. I have some serious conflict internally about this.

Busy!

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I have a to do list longer than my arm. Do I want to do anything on it? NO!!! So. I suck.

How are ya’ll doing? I’m curious. Most of you rarely post anything so I feel like I am just stuck in my own little narrow field of vision. Especially if I haven’t seen you lately, consider this a request for an update. 🙂

brain dump

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I love my friends. Especially the ones I have to go very far in order to see. Ya’ll are wonderful.

Twin beds aren’t that bad for snuggling/sleeping but pillows really are my friend. Owie neck.

I am seriously cranky and emotional and I’m not sure why. For the last hour or more I have been fighting off tears and not terribly successfully.

I have such a horrible case of senioritis that it is unreal. I have exactly 11 more class sessions to attend and getting through them is going to be a nightmare. I am starting to hate grad school with a passion. I am chanting in my head that I have one more month before classes end. Then the kiddos only have three weeks past that. In seven weeks I have freedom. Yay.

I passed the first round of my comp exams. I think I deafened the department chair when he called to tell me.

I feel like I am stuck between worlds. I want to be a dancer. I want to be a pervert. I want to be a Burner. I want to hang out with the poly people (for lack of a better way of defining that group). I can’t do everything. I just can’t. There isn’t enough time in the day. I don’t want to give anything up and it is making me very very sad. I don’t know how to juggle my time any better. My blessings are so profound and overwhelming that I am incapable of properly embracing them all. *sigh*

I want to make that stupid pop up thing on the bottom of my screen go away and I can’t figure out how to do it.

In the next five weeks I need to find time in the insanity of my life to make a bodice. I want to scream.

And yet… my life is good. I’m just feeling the stress a bit too much today. It’ll all be ok. Just have to get through some of the harder stuff. Life will figure itself out. In not very long I won’t be able to run around like a mad woman all the time. I can get through two years. Then things have to calm down whether I like it or not. 🙂 But I’m looking forward to it.

If you try sometime

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You just might find you get what you need.

What do I need?

I need to be loved and appreciated for all the various contradictions that make up me. I need to be encouraged to feel no shame for the thoughts, desires, and actions in my life. I need to be loved for my voracious and overwhelming appetites. I need to be allowed to go off and come back and have safety in knowing that there will be a place/person to come back to. I need to not be told that my behavior is ok when it is directed at someone else and not ok when it is directed at you. I need to be listened to and spoken to. I need to be allowed to make mistakes without being told that I am bad for them. I need hugs and kisses without expectation that I have to put out. I need to be asked to put out. I need for it to be understood that it hurts me deeply that I essentially don’t have a bio family, and sometimes I can’t listen to suggestions about how I should fix the situation–there isn’t an easy way to fix it and saying there is demeans me and how much I have struggled to come to terms with my family.

I … I need love. I need to be valued.

I need to thank God for giving me what I need. I am so very grateful for my life and the people in it. I think I am the luckiest girl ever. I have been found.

Blurbs

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I’m tired and cold and really horny.

But what I get to do tonight is get dressed and run off to class. *sigh* I think I will dress weird.

One more day of timed essay writing and then I am free.

Thirty more minutes of class time until I am on vacation from teaching. They will be writing poetry.

Soon I am going to have more time on my hands and I will be able to make plans with friends. In no particular order I want to see:
karenbynightsarahhprinceofwandsrpagebarelyproperribbinloupyonelabelleizzy… so many others. Those just popped into my head right this second. And I need to leave in about 8 minutes and I should get offline…

I have no plans for this Saturday evening. I should call meerkat299. I don’t want to miss this visit!

Spunk

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I have been reviewing like crazy for my exam. Dude, I so know this stuff… although I know a lot more ancient stuff (a bunch of Greek plays, The Odyssey, Inanna than I will be asked for. Dude. I might actually know stuff!

Yeah, my ego is returning in full force. I am so going to kick ass. 20 hours and counting till I need to arrive for the exam. This will be a cake walk baby. 🙂

(I think I’m feeling so cocky because I have already reviewed 6/10 of the novels I want to review and I remember stuff better than I had thought!!)

Just breathe

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I went and saw my favorite professor today (Thank you for the pointer Peter; my graduate experienced has been enhanced by meeting him–before now I haven’t seriously liked anyone in the department.) and he convinced me to stop stressing over my exams. We talked about what sources I feel very comfortable with and how to approach the exam. Maybe I’m not an idiot. 🙂 He certainly thinks I am extremely bright.

I am finally back on the network and able to use the printer at school. Not having this access has been a nightmare. Major YAY for the day there.

My kids are limping along through the poetry unit. I have started keeping 2-3 of the quiet kids after class every day to ask them how they are understanding stuff in class and what would help them more. I’m getting really good feedback. The loud ones are still whining, but they just do that. 😉 So I’m feeling pretty good about that whole situation.
scheduling babble

Just life

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Friday was way fun. 🙂 7 people showed up and that was a fairly good crowd for my house. The conversation was loads of fun. I ended up reading lesbian pr0n to people and that was hot. 🙂 I have left over corned beef. My overnight guest was really sweet too. Google boy did my dishes before and after the party because I can’t put my hand in standing dirty water yet. In the morning, I didn’t even ask him to! When I jumped in the shower he started picking up breakfast dishes and washed everything. Ok, that was just awesome.

Oh, we found out the maximum weight capacity for my bed and I need to go buy a drill and screws today to fix it. 🙂

Yesterday involved good therapy and a very odd time with the film maker guy. Not sure if he is going to get any more time. He alternates between being very interesting and being kind of spastic and weird–and not in happy ways. Hm. But the almost-surprise birthday party last night was fun. 🙂 I like getting to be around people who are talking about many things even when I don’t agree with all of it. *cough*economicpolicy*cough*

Today we’ll see if anyone shows up. I need to run out and buy a drill in order to repair my bed frame. We discovered the maximum weight capacity. Ha. Go Ikea construction. It’s fixable though. I just need to do it… Have I mentioned that I really don’t feel like getting up and dressed?

Status of the giddy

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(Noelle–this is me bragging. 😉

Google boy turned out to be a pretty nice date and he has since called just to kind of chat. He was pretty clear that he would like to see me again sometime soon, but he is aware that I am busy.
The film maker is happy to be my fill-the-gap person on Saturday when I have some free time between therapy and an event in the evening.
The uke player is being silly and complimentary and stroking my ego on a daily basis.
Flirting with hot dancers is in a sort of static place and I am perfectly happy with that.
Last night I had 12 hot people in a hot tub all paying attention to me. I got to kiss anyone I wanted! Dude, it was so sexy.

I am at a reasonable place for work. I am gearing up for the comp exams and big scary papers coming up for my classes. I think I will do ok.
In the next week I have to finish my poetry unit. Then I have a week or so to get notes together for the comp exams. Then I need to start on the monster papers. I also need to get together with my performance lit group to put together a presentation for class.

If I am smart I will be basically done with my papers by April 23rd because I start full time teaching soon after that. How much do people want to bet that I won’t be that smart? 😉

Ok, if I disappear for April, don’t take it personally. If I disappear in April my life won’t be hell on earth in May. Seems like an ok trade off.

{insecurity}Moving On

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Questions that keep me wondering…

How does one actually move on from the past? I live with ghosts. They are up on my walls and in my heart and in my head. I’m still in love and I carry that love with me into every new person I meet. How do I actually see the new people for who they are? I don’t want to be fighting with my ghosts anymore.

Time. I need to give myself time. I am so terrified of time though.

I have had several people ask me lately what my secret is. How am I doing so much better than other people… dude. I don’t know if I am or not, but I have such a long way to go. I’m trying though to make me better. I’m trying…

No dating. That is what I need to do but I know I won’t. Saturday may include a couple of hours with a maybe I am just starting to talk to. Last night’s date went extremely well–well enough to startle me into starting some major projections and thus my freak out. I see Noah next week, but that isn’t really a date. Then no time for a date until the 9th. Dude. Being busy is… probably good.

Lessons learned

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When you are traveling for the weekend and you have plans to meet a friend it might be worthwhile to ask about the formality of dinner. If one shows up in jeans, hiking shoes, and a ratty sweatshirt at a four star restaurant one feels like a total loser. Dinner, of course, was excellent anyway.

Fairies are sometimes pugs in disguise, but you have to listen very closely for the evidence.

It is possible to fall in love with yourself while driving and doing some hard thinking about the future.

If one is going to not have conversation during a six hour trip it is better to be alone in the car. Silent people suck.

If someone is treating someone else in a way that would offend me it is not my place to say that the behavior is offensive. I need to be better at minding my own business.

I never want to have surgery on my nose.

I am going to have a child. It isn’t in question. (No I’m not pregnant and I won’t be in the next two years.) I don’t need to have a partner in order to produce a wonderful child. As long as I feel like I require a partner for this I will be frantic and upset, but I know enough women who have managed to bring forth some of the best kids I have ever met without needing to have a partner around for help. I know it isn’t easy, but I am starting out with the advantage of a career where supporting myself and my child will be less of a struggle. I can do this. This is what I want from my life.

If you see a rainbow that takes your breath away call someone and tell them about it. It will brighten your day and theirs.

My apartment is small-like

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So I am eliminating places to set crap so that I have to actually put stuff away more often and I have less clutter.

Well… it’s an idea…

Anyone want a maroon painted, locking, wooden toychest? Or a rather nice wood coffee table with a glass top? 🙂 I am going to put them on freecycle in the next day or two cause I want them out of here.

Sluttery in full swing.

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I went to three parties last night. The first two were raunchy sex parties. I got laid at both. I got laid more than once at the second one. I got to eat out a very wonderful girl–it’s been a while and damn was I missing that. I had several cocks in my mouth over the evening. (Now ya’ll know why I carry a toothbrush with me to parties and antibacterial soap! The coatcheck girls are amused by me running back and forth.)

Does anyone remember the guy I had a fling with about a year and a half ago? http://boot-slut.livejournal.com/69236.html (Yeah–that’s hard to ring a bell I know.) I asked him if he wanted a night, a week, or a month and he said he only wanted a night. I went for it and it was by far the best one-time sex I have ever had. We really click in bed. I did it agreeing to the terms of never ever contacting him again. He showed up last night. He zoned in on me immidiately and started flirting with me like crazy. *Then* we both figured out that we knew one another. Ha! He’s still that good in bed. We both still have one another saved in our phones. He said that he respects me tremendously for following the rules. He’s going to break the rules and keep in contact with me this time.

But the fucking amazing bit was–dude. He gave me the fucking speech. You know, the “I want to be play partners but I don’t think we should have a relationship” speech. I almost slapped him. I told him that he was a flaming asshole and that he is treating me like a clingy crazy girl and that is so far from reality that it is outrageous. I told him that if he wants to tell me that I am good enough to be a fuck toy and not good enough to be anything else then he doesn’t need to call me. He apologized and said that wasn’t what he meant. Yeah asshole, but it is what you *Said*. I gave him a chance to redeem himself and he sucked up prettily. If I weren’t so hot for him I would refuse to talk with him again, but as it is… yeah. I’ll talk to him again. He is fairly local and a very reliably fantastic fuck. He’s still an asshole though. I almost told him that the last guy who gave me that speech stayed with me for four years. I was good.

Oh, and the best acronym fill in the blank ever: Breeder In Training Coveting Husband.

Babbling cause I’m bored.

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http://marnanel.org/joule is a great website for those of you who don’t know about it yet. It tells you who has friended/unfriended you and when. I don’t keep super close track of who does what when but it is cool every now and then to look and find out that a guy I haven’t talked to in probably 6 or more years has friended me in the last week. 🙂

Last night a comment was made that I haven’t been as obsessed with sex in the last few weeks/entries something like that. I couldn’t tell if it was just an observation or a complaint. 😉

Dancing is so wonderful. Everytime I come dancing after any sort of break I remember why I love it so much and I wonder why I stop going at all… Last night involved some lovely flirting. It is always interesting to flirt when it isn’t likely to go anywhere. The entire vibe is different.

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Happy.

Tired.

This weekend I had many opportunities to spend time with some people who rock my world. I would name the Pryanksters who make me feel loved and treasured but it would take a long time and I have to get grading done. I am so happy that I have already made the decision that I will be doing Pryanksters this year. Even Guild Mistress took a moment to stop and tell me that she was happy to have me back. I feel really really welcome and it’s a great feeling.

I got to spend time with some lovely burners and they rocked my world in more ways than one.

Therapy is going well. I’m starting to get into some stuff that is really really really hard for me and… that’s hard for me to do. So I’m glad I’m getting there. If I leave therapy feeling scared and somewhat wounded it means I actually found something important. I’m really happy that I am getting there.

I got to see some pervs who let me know repeatedly that they are happy to have me in their lives.

And I got some lovely, delicious down time. I watched three movies this weekend: Dracula (I need to see it this semester for a class), Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, and Adaptation. I really loved Eternal. It got me to thinking about the concept of second chances. Where and with whom would I want to try again? I had a pretty difficult conversation with someone about that topic. I think I hurt the person. I was telling my truth though and to not tell it… well… I suppose I could have dealt with that. But I didn’t. I said what was in my heart and my mind and I am glad that I am at least being honest with myself. Even if I can’t admit that I want the second chance to the person in question. Really, I’m not as brave as people think I am.

But I’m working towards being a better me. It seems to be a theme lately with some of the women I respect the most: boxofchaos, barelyproper, labelleizzy we will get to where we want to be. I have faith in us.

*smooch* *whisper*

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Ok, so I’m only going to tell some strange little snippets and not give any actual incriminating details.

I am deeply grateful for the people in my life who tolerate that I run hot/cold. Thank you for allowing me to come and go in your lives and continuing to love me even though I am a serious pain in the ass.

I am learning how to go to a party and find play. It is still very hard and very scary, but I am getting better at actualizing what I want.

I miss spending time with my female friends in the bdsm/sex positive communities and I am going to look at my schedule in the next month and make sure that for every two dates I have with boys I have at least one date with a friend so that my life isn’t just about getting laid. I think that is part of why I burnt out so hard a year ago and was ok with running away. Friendships last longer than lovers do usually. I need to go back to my friendships. 🙂

There are some very cool people who have shown up in the scene in the last couple of years and I need to check my assumptions at the door when it comes to talking to them.

I need to have at least one completely vanilla/non-sexual event at least every two weeks. The scene is great, but burn out sucks.

My therapist has recommended that I put some sort of boundaries up around waiting to have sex with people. We discussed the fact that I tend to either think of someone as potentially “serious” and not sleep with them for a while or I think of them more or less as a trick and they don’t last very long (usually three months is around the limit). I don’t know why I do this, but it is how things work out. She asks if I have ever broken this paradigm. Certainly I have not slept with people ever/not had a relationship work out even when I have waited a while but fsvo serious I have not had relationships go on for a long time if I sleep with them immidiately. It kind of seems like starting to deliberately not sleep with people in the first couple of dates would be a good idea. Not sure about this one though.

I have met some remarkably interesting people lately. I am certainly going to enjoy getting to know people more. Yay for flirtations.

In therapy we also discussed that she doesn’t think my behavior is manic at all. She says I’m happy. It’s kind of an odd thought. People who are happy feel this good? This is just “happiness”? Wow. I guess I have always been rather depressed then…

Sluttery

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I seem to be feeling better lately about play and sex cause I am sure as hell jumping back on the horse. Within the past 8 days I have:

Had sex with two people for a total of ~6 go rounds. (One night it is kind of fuzzy just how many times…)
Bottomed once.
Topped twice.
The median length of time I have known these people has been 2.175 years. 🙂

My ass is many many colors. I have a bruise bigger than my fist. That has got to be the best spanking I have ever received. He spanked me for over an hour. It was fucking awesome. Just spanking! Hard, rhythmic, yummy…

I’m pretty happy about the fact that I am playing with people that I have known for a long time and that I feel comfortable with. I think if I were jumping into playing with new-to-me people it would be harder and scarier.

And why the fuck am I not going to NY now. God damnit!