Shanna is sick. She has a fever and she is lethargic and tired. This isn’t great but it pales next to being told that someone I love tremendously was raped. I don’t know how to adequately help him. Yes, him. I feel terrible because I didn’t try harder to help him when/before it happened.
Sometimes I feel like I could joyfully take on all the suffering in the world just to protect my loved ones. I’m very strong; I know I could handle it. I don’t really know how he will truly heal.
Tired. Confuzzled. Sleepy. Glad that Shanna waited until home to be a pain in the butt.
Stuff. Wow I’m tired.
I semi-regularly post controversial things without stating my overall opinions on the topic. I like saying things like, “This is interesting” without specifying exactly what I find interesting or why. It is interesting that people often leap to conclusions about my positions on things. Last night as I was falling asleep I thought about the fact that I probably keep my mouth shut on some of my more extreme positions because I hate the fact that I already get snotty comments about the fact that I have strong opinions without fully expressing most of my strong opinions. That would be, in fact, why I believe that people are trying to shame someone into silence with the phrase “Don’t hold back, tell me how you really feel” and its close cousins.
So ok, you want to know some of my strong opinions? Fine. I’ll state some of them. If you flame me, act like an asshole, or just in generally are rude I will delete your comment without response. If you want to engage me in spirited debate that is fine, keeping in mind that I am leaving the country tomorrow. Alright, here we go…
The secret to happiness is low expectations. At least that’s what Noah tells me all the time.
I’m great at playing with my kid and taking care of her. I go in bursts of being ok at keeping up with everything else. I had a lazy weekend and I’ve had a hard time getting motivated today. But I read to Shanna for a long time. And we played. And I figured out how to carry the car seat through the airport (Shibari comes in handy). Other than that… I got nothing.
*sigh*
One of Noah’s college friends invited us over yesterday to play games and ignore the super bowl. That worked for me. 🙂 I had such a great time. The entire attitude towards the games made me happy. People weren’t overly competitive and were quite cheerful about handing over a card that might help someone else “just because you are so nice.” That is exactly the sort of attitude I wish more people had about games. In cut-throat games I get angry and feel hostile and usually want to hit someone. I’m so happy that I got to have a pleasant gaming experience. I played three new-to-me games and even though I had to ask a lot of questions and get help no one was snotty or condescending.
See, this makes me want to play more. Most of the time when I play games with people I don’t have any interest in playing for years.
Yay!
I was thinking earlier today. I was in a funk earlier this week and for part of last week and it was annoying, but really not so bad. I have been sad for short periods in the past few months. I get angry every so often. But I haven’t felt self-loathing in a long time. I can’t remember when I last hated myself. It’s kind of weird to think about, but I loathed myself for most of my life. I remember what it is like to think terrible thoughts about myself constantly and I’m surprised I didn’t notice it stopping. Somehow I just let it go.
That’s really awesome. 🙂 Man my life is good.
Oh, and in other news: Shanna sat up from laying down today for the first time. 🙂
For the past couple of days I have been on a really annoying emotional roller coaster. I’m angry, sad, giddy, and annoyed by turns. In the main I am able to keep my expressions of these feelings down to saying, “Wow, I am really really annoyed right now for no good reason” replacing “annoyed” with the emotion of the moment. But I’m *feeling* really intensely and it’s bugging me. I like having more moderate emotions; they are less draining. Nothing much has happened to trigger me in any direction that I know of.
My (minor) things wrong at the moment: for some reason I have started doing all the bad habits that make my jaw hurt really suddenly. I had stopped doing all of these for a long time. A have a tooth that hurts. I’m mildly fussed about money stuff but only in a stupid vague way–we aren’t exactly in trouble. And I’m starting to read towards the comp exam again but I’m doing it very slowly and mellowly with books that sound interesting.
Yeah, those are all very very mild irks. I have no idea why I am experiencing such intense feelings. I am also starving. By golly I’m eating my weekly points and my exercise points and I still kind of want to cry with hunger. Don’t worry I am continuing to eat when I’m that hungry whether I have points or not. I don’t think it is reasonable to be that hungry and not eat. I’m trying to figure out what sorts of food will make me feel full because nothing is doing it right now. I can’t figure out why I am so hungry. Shanna hasn’t been nursing more than usual.
Shanna is in fact being her awesome, mellow self lately so I can’t blame any of this on stress from her. She’s sleeping 11-12 hours a night with one, sometimes two wake-ups. I really have no complaints about her. She’s a little clingy during the day but not beyond what is totally reasonable and normal for her age. It’s cool watching her scoot all over the floor playing with toys. 🙂
So yeah. Feeling batty just now.
I like the icon. It expresses to me how deep and thoughtful most posts are.
That said: man I’ve been a good housewife today. Because I am exactly this dorky, here is my list of accomplishments…
-I figured out Quicken. It was a major pain in the ass, but I did it. I used to keep track of our budget stuff using Excel, but it took forever and I am just not willing to put in that many hours of labor anymore. Hopefully this’ll work out.
-Called home inspector for an appointment.
-Put up the craigslist ad to get rid of the table. This involved going out and taking pictures of it so I’m happy I got it done.
-Did two loads of laundry.
-Did the dishes and otherwise tidied up the kitchen.
-Finished the last touches on cleaning up the garage. It is once again able to accept the car. w00t
-Changed three dirty diapers and caught one pee. I’ve been distracted.
-Did all the necessary steps to get the property tax check in the mail. Sometimes I suck at this.
-Put up more pictures of Shanna: http://picasaweb.google.com/somethingdifferent/Shanna
-Ate lunch
-I’ve cycled the Brita pitcher 6 times refreshing my water storage in the refrigerator. This is a big deal because it means I am more likely to actually drink water in the next few days. (I only drink it cold.)
-I went and had some cookies. (I haven’t used this euphemism in a while. ha.)
Hmmmm. What should I do next? Shanna is flirting heavily and seems to be leaning towards playing with her. Maybe that’s all the day needs to be perfect. 🙂
So I’m in a funk today. I’m lonely and bored. It’s interesting to realize that. I think it is because of how much time I have been spending alone at home doing baking. I really am an extrovert. I need to try and make more plans with people in the upcoming time. It’s hard making plans with people because 9/10 times involve me having to drive somewhere, often taking up a lot of time. I also find that most people want to invite me to parties because that’s what they do with their time. I get the efficiency of parties–you get to see lots of people at once. Lately parties really kind of suck for me. I don’t enjoy them and that’s not anyone’s fault. So I’m skipping parties and feeling even more lonely and isolated. I need to try harder to get in touch with people. It’s just hard because I feel like I’m initiating the contact with most everyone and that feels hard. I’m not the bell of any ball anymore and it’s a hard come down. A friend recently posted that she knows that she has finally completely left the “cute young thing” group at 33 and I wanted to wistfully tell her that it must have been nice to have it last so long. I left it a while ago. Waaaaaa waaaaa waaaaa. [insert pity party]
I know that this stage will pass. It’s just kind of annoying.
I was asked:
What are you most thankful for in 2008? What was the most important lesson that you learned? Who touched you, and made you more than who you were before?
What made 2008 special for you?
I am most thankful for my daughter. It was long, but my labor was not actually that difficult. I had no complications and my daughter is healthy.
Probably the most important lesson I (re)learned is that every choice you make excludes other options. I’m having a very hard time with the knowledge that I may never teach again. I miss it fiercly.
My daughter again. I have the power to affect everything in her life. It’s a big responsibility and I’m trying hard to be worthy.
The company of Noah on this amazing journey. I have an amazing partner and I feel very blessed.
So–how about you?
What are you most thankful for in 2008? What was the most important lesson that you learned? Who touched you, and made you more than who you were before?
What made 2008 special for you?
Last night we went to Winter Bash and had a good time. I’m not as social at these events as I possibly could be because I don’t know many people. But I really like the people I do talk to. Miss Jenny took pity on me and danced with me. It was very awesome of her. I was feeling bad because I couldn’t remember any of the ECD stuff at all but she went and got her ipod during a break and we did swing dancing and waltzed instead. Miss Jenny wins! I should bring her extra cookies soon as a reward. 🙂 I was also given pictures! Both from Miss Jenny and from Master Fiddler himself. whoo hoo!
On the drive home Noah and I talked about people (as we are wont to do). One of our biggest focuses this time was Master Fiddler. We talked about how good a job he does at creating an environment where everyone who comes to his house can feel at home even if they are rare visitors who don’t know many people. We talked about the specific things he does that create this vibe. Then we went on to discussing his place in the group in general. I mention this here because part of the crux of the conversation was about how much importance I place on the word “Master”. It’s cause of that history in the bdsm world. I take the word “Master” rather freakin seriously and you have to *earn* it. He really has. Not just because of his exceptional musical talent, but through the way in which he is absolutely the default answer for how things go musically for a rather lot of people. It was pretty nice to think in detail about how rocking he is. I like knowing people who have truly become a Master.
And we talked a lot about Noah’s job. It looks like he is going to spend a lot of time working so I am even more glad that we are not having a party. Instead we will be staying home and I’ll be puttering as usual and he will be working. It’s like we jumped right to Monday. I’m sure he will take extra breaks for cuddling though and that will be nice. My daughter just woke up so I will go play with her now. 🙂
Some of these are things I came up with all by myself. Some came as a result of talking to my mom.
1) New cookie sheets so they are all a consistent color and I don’t burn half the cookies. (Dark cookie sheets need to bake at a lower temperature and you can’t go back and forth very well.)
2) Start baking in early November and freeze the cookies. (This is how Mary Poppins [that’s my mom] managed to have something like 10 different cookies for Christmas.)
3) No more than one or two single batches of cookies in a day. More than that starts feeling like unfun work and cookies shouldn’t be unfun work. (One or two batches can be done in less than two hours. That’s a nap-time project and fun.)
4) If I am not completely ready for a party by a week before I should hang it up. I get too stressed and anxious if I let things get too close to the wire and then I’m not able to have fun. (This is part of managing my anxiety/depression stuff. I have to watch stress. Being good at recognizing these sorts of triggers and dealing with them is why I manage to not be on meds.)
5) Get a different carrier so I can do back carries with Shanna. She is too forking big for me to work around her in front of me. (I can’t SEE!!!! And the moby is too stretchy to use on my back in a way I feel comfortable with.)
6) Don’t try to host an event while I am still nursing all night. It means I have very few hours of the day to work and I’m not able to get all the prep done. (I’m in bed for almost 12 hours a night. No really, I’m not underslept.)
7) Start baking more often, like once a week, so that I get more familiar with how to bake and I don’t make as many mistakes. (I ruined a couple batches of dough. That was frustrating.)
8) As long as I live in this house–make sure that I have completely cleaned off every single surface in the kitchen the day before baking. (There is not room to have anything else out and bake. And if I try to do it in the same day I get angry.)
I think that is enough from this situation. All that said, I’m only mildly twinging on feeling bad about canceling the party. I’m sad to not see my friends, but I can rectify that by making plans to see people one on one. That’ll be a good thing.
I am featured (or at least my voice is) in a documentary about Insex that is going to be shown at Slamdance this year. I was asked to submit a bio. This is… interesting. So here’s my first try. Input is welcome (be gentle).
This morning I had a couple of reasons to feel morose. One was the comp exam and the second was personal enough that I am not going to explicitly state it on livejournal. ooooh cryptic
I went and saw a prof at SJSU about the comp exam. He told me that I barely failed and it was because I was too general. He said it is pretty obvious that I know the material and what I should do to prep for the next time is do more practice runs of timed writing trials to push myself into better form for such excursions. I can do that. No more reading? No more reading!! (Although I will probably do some more reading.) And the poetry section was my strongest essay. How is that for funny?
The second thing that made me morose has been a bit of a roller coaster ride for the past couple of weeks. Things on that front are now to a level that I feel good about. *phew*
Oh, and I got a B+ on my last Spanish test and she gave us most of the questions for the final in class tonight and we did them as a group. Things are looking way the heck up tonight.
A long-time friend unfriended me recently so I wondered what I had posted that was so awful. After reviewing my recent entries I have come to the conclusion that it probably had nothing to do with what I am posting.
I did notice that I post about negative stuff a lot. That’s lame because I am generally in a good mood and my life is good. I’m not sure why it is easier to bitch and whine.
I spend a lot of my time reading (books I want to read- yay!), putzing around doing chores and errands, and caring for Shanna. I am finding that because most of my life is just so nifty that I feel extra frustrated when I feel frustrated at all. That seems odd to me.
I’m really enjoying being a homebody. I get out to socialize one or two times a week and I run errands usually one day a week. I double up on socializing and errands sometimes when Miss Laura wants to see me. 🙂
Next week I have finals for Spanish. I am going to start baking on Thursday. I’m pretty excited. 🙂
It’s amazing to me how this stay-at-home-mom gig works. Caring for Shanna requires continual physical effort (it’s not *hard* physical effort, but it is physical work) and almost no intellectual effort. Yet I don’t have the mental bandwidth to do much else at the same time. Studying Spanish is hard. I don’t retain the stuff I do while I’m playing with her. I have to be interruptable at all times (As I come back from a diaper change that had to happen mid-entry). I feel like my brain is not working the way it used to. I feel like I am less smart, like my brain is on hiatus.
This doesn’t make the prospect of studying for the comp exam any happier. My daughter is the whole scope of my world right now, or at least I wish she was. I’m so happy most days. I love seeing how she changes day by day. This is all I want to be doing right now. It’s interesting because I have always derived so much of my self-image from my intelligence and what I am doing right now has no part in that.
I want to be done with school so bad I could scream. I have missed four semesters of school entirely in the past 23 years. Otherwise I have been in school for at least some portion of every term. I am starting to hate school. I am starting to lose any desire to learn what can be taught in school. There are still many things I want to learn–don’t get me wrong. I just want to go out into the world, damnit.
But I have a Spanish presentation tonight. And finals next week. And I have many more months of studying ahead of me for the comp exam. And I have two more terms of Spanish if I pass the exam. I have decided that I am going to study like mad and take the test in April. If I fail I am not going to bother with finishing Spanish. I have too much resentment as it is. I hope I don’t fail. I am going to work pretty hard to ensure I don’t. *sigh*
It’s really hard to say, “You know that thing I brought up? Can we forget I ever brought it up and go back to life before I said that?”
Sometimes, even when you get what you always wanted, you don’t get what you always wanted.
I have a lot on my mind but most of it isn’t real coherent. I’m going to spew here for a bit. 🙂
At the very least I have two weeks of freedom. Wow. That’s pretty incredible. I am still in my Spanish classes until May if I wuss out on the translation test, but honestly they take up about 7 hours of week for class time and homework time. That’s just not hitting my radar compared to what I’ve been doing for uhm years. My job is to take care of Shanna and do at least my share of housework. If I do more than my share of housework then Noah has more free time to spend with me and he’s in a generally better mood–which is a pretty damn good trade-off in my book.
I started off this freedom by cleaning up the garage to the point where we can now put our car in it! I’m thrilled because putting Shanna in and out in the rain really blows. I also cleaned the bathtub. Today I will putz through more cleaning and laundry. I also want to do cooking and prep stuff for meals for the week because we eat better when I do that.
My projects for this week include: putting furniture together, more house cleaning [we have a lot of cobwebs, finish dusting, finish cleaning the bathroom, maybe vacuum the living room, do a real scrub down of the kitchen], read more books to Shanna, start sorting Christmas stuff [I’m so excited about Christmas this year it isn’t even funny. I’m not doing the major decorating stuff till after Thanksgiving, but I can get a head start on stuff like Christmas cards so that I don’t feel much pressure in December], and enjoy the fact that I don’t have to read anything I don’t want to read! Do you know how many years it has been since I had no pressure about what to read?! For the past five years I have always had it hanging over my head that I needed to do reading for the exams. I haven’t always done it but the pressure was always present.
That said: what books do you like that I should add to my reading list? I may read a summary online and decide oh hell no but feel free to make suggestions. 🙂 I don’t even know what is out there past the canon…
Oh! and posts I want to write: “Ok snarky bitch, here is why I use cloth diapers despite your snotty article you sent me”, “Why are some books included in the canon while others are excluded”, and “Why I’m feeling some unpleasant feelings about the constant barrage of requests for money.”