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“Only cowards ghost.”

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Someone said that recently in a conversation I was part of. They weren’t trying to talk to me or about me. But I was in the conversation and it was a generalized statement that applied to me so I took issue. Then they told me that I was taking things out of context and I was just triggered.

Ghosting.

I got involved with a dude when I was 19. He was 19 years older than me. We were lovers and play partners and friends until I was 33. During that time period anytime I wanted to set a boundary he didn’t like (marrying someone other than him, wanting to have kids with someone other than him, all kinds of shit) he would tell me why my reasons weren’t valid. He was adamantly pro relationship anarchy poly and he didn’t think I should be artificially limiting our relationship. I argued for a long time. After a while I think I had a lot of sunk cost fallacy in the relationship and I didn’t want to give up on him. Also he liked to say that anytime someone did him dirty they were discriminating against him for being autistic.

Then in a short period of time we had several interactions. First he told me that I needed to “make my children be submissive to him” because he is an adult and they are children so they need to know that they have to obey him. I told him he clearly understands nothing about child psychology and no I am definitely not doing that. Then the Elliot Rodger shooting happened. He said that he totally understood why any autistic man would do that if he were denied sex. (By the way he had spent the previous several years buying guns and going shooting a lot.) Then we had a weird conversation and I said, “Do I need to specifically say that my children are never ever potential sexual partners for you? Do you understand that?” (I mean, he held them within a week of them being born. He was an “uncle”.) He smirked at me and said “We’ll see what they say when they are 18.”

I cut him off. I blocked him on all social media. I blocked him on my phone. I blocked him on email. He was dead to me from that moment further and no I don’t feel like he fucking deserved an explanation.

At a different time, years before that, I went on one date with a dude. He totally ghosted me after that date. I shrugged and went on with my life. A couple of years later he ended up engaged to one of my close friends. During the engagement period before the wedding he took me aside at an event. He told me that he ghosted me because he had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I had a few personality traits like his ex (to be fair, I knew the woman and we do have a lot of surface traits in common) and he was afraid I was going to be crazy and fuck over his life too. So he ran. He said that the way I conducted myself in social situations after that (I gave him space and didn’t try to corner him and demand an explanation) made him realize that he was wrong about me and he was sorry he had treated me that way. We hugged and wished each other all the best and I’ve been sending him and his spouse Christmas cards for over 10 years now. When we see each other we are perfectly cordial.

People ghost for a lot of reasons. I don’t think that any blanket statement can be made for those reasons. If you find yourself in a situation where person after person after person is ghosting you… maybe do some self reflection on your own behavior. I am welcome in the homes of 95% of my ex’s. The vast majority of my ex’s are people that I would welcome into my home for a holiday if they were in a rough spot and needed to be loved that year.

I’m totally comfortable with the fact that I have needed to ghost people. It was a need and I don’t feel bad. It took a lot of years of working on my self respect before I recognized that I don’t owe every fucking guy endless explanations just because he wants them. I owe myself integrity.

I could list all of the reasons it is utterly laughable to say that I am a coward. But frankly, that’s a waste of my time.

I think it is entitled and toxic to demand that everyone explain their feelings and boundaries to you on your time table. And I no longer have time to play games with toxic people.

Rules for my sandbox.

5 Replies

This journal is my space. I get to decide how it is used. If you object to the rules you are free to leave.

1. Do not assume a post is meant to solicit your opinion. Most of the time I am posting because I use this journal as a combination of safe space for me to work through my stuff/thoughts and a way for me to do record keeping. I have a weird/spotty memory and I have trouble keeping everything straight sometimes. I am good at using tags and at finding things again when I need them. Posting here does not constitute a request for anyone to tell me what their opinion is on any given topic. I do not write for an audience I write for myself. I choose to post publicly the things I write for myself because that is a medium that keeps me writing.

2. Be respectful in your tone. I post about things that some of my friends disagree with. I have the right to do that in my space. No one has the right to speak to me as if I am stupid in my space. If you think I am stupid, stop reading and go elsewhere. I am not trying to get everyone to agree with me or to approve of me. I am posting my thoughts and opinions. If you have different opinions by all means feel free to write about them in your journal. I will not go there and tell you that you are wrong or that you need to change them to be more in line with my opinions. If you want to engage in debate with me I suggest that you monitor your tone quite carefully. If I think you are being an asshole I will delete your comments and not respond to you. I’m not ok with my journal being turned into a space that causes me stress.

3. I am not completely opposed to debate. Sometimes debate can be really awesome. Most of the time I am content to leave the debate to other people who are able to do so more calmly than I can. There is one frequent commenter in particular (Mr. NotMyRealName) who can open debate on my journal at any time on any topic. This is because he never implies in even the smallest of particulars that I might be stupid. Even on topics where he feels a rather high level of frustration (it seems) he manages to still debate in a way that is respectful and polite to all involved. If you like debating on my journal it is worthwhile to watch for his posts because I could not possibly come up with a better example of the sort of disagreement/debate I welcome.

4. Don’t bother to leave a comment that begins with, “I think you should” because I am not interested in hearing it. If you really really want to give me advice on a topic where I have not solicited your advice you can leave a comment saying, “I’m really bursting with a piece of advice I want to give you. Is it ok to share it?” Sometimes I will say yes and sometimes I will say that it isn’t a good time. It isn’t a personal rejection if I am not in the mood to hear it. I regulate most of my life pretty carefully to avoid stress and my personal reactions to unsolicited advice are such that I need to minimize it wherever possible and I can only do that completely in some circumstances and I need to do that where I can.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I am not on any form of medication. I regulate these disorders by having a pretty firm control on my life and the stress points in my life. I am not always capable of responding in a completely “rational” manner to things that other people believe I should. I am always doing my best. Comments, tone, and attitude affect me far more than other people believe they “should”. It is absolutely completely and totally irrelevant to me if anyone believes that I “should” be able to do things in a way that I cannot. In other situations in my life (face to face interactions, other people’s journals, other forums, etc.) I do not get to have much control over how people interact with me and I deal with that. Here I get to have iron control and it is good for me. I do not care if you disagree with me about any of the ways I enforce rules in my journal. I need to do it and I do not need to assuage anyone else’s ego.

I probably should simply turn off comments entirely. They are frequently a source of stress for me. However, comments are frequently my main interactions with a large number of people I like very much. So instead I am asking that people who supposedly like me honor the rules I set down for my space. I will talk about things that will frustrate you, anger you, piss you off, annoy you, and make you want to smack me upside the head. I am not going to be silent just so you don’t have to have those feelings. Pretty much everyone who reads this is a grown up. You get to be responsible for your own feelings and you don’t get to tell me how I should change my opinions or actions so that you don’t have to experience any of those feelings of upset. They are yours to manage. You can set rules in your space for managing them. I am setting rules in my space for managing my own feelings. You can abide by them or leave.

The harshness of this aside, I do appreciate that my friends usually speak out of concern for me, Shanna, or whatever it is that I am talking about. I have intelligent, well-spoken friends. Many of you mean very well but your tone sucks. I am not saying that I hate any of you or that I don’t want interactions with you. What I am saying is that I want and need a space safe from criticism and hostility and I will get that even if I have to stop interacting with you to get it.