This is a very small, very tight filter. Please don’t assume that anyone is on it with you unless they see fit to respond. There is more than one case in here where I put one person who is part of a couple/triad/whatever and not the other partner(s) because I didn’t feel the other partner(s) would appreciate seeing this. I can take you off of it if the subject matter disturbs you. You are the few people that I want to process this with.
So I have a rape scene planned. It is going to happen in 12 days. It has been discussed for months. I am having dinner with the person who will be doing it and the person who will be supervising/providing aftercare this Friday to talk about it in advance. Given my preferences for written over oral communication, I’m going to write up some of what is going through my head about it in advance though. Doing this is risky on a couple of levels. First: part of the point of the experiment is that I will be on DXM. I am shooting for:
“At third plateau, the psychotomimetic (psychosis like) effects of dextromethorphan take over. Hallucinations are still there, but it is likely the altered state of consciousness will be the dominating factor of the experience. Sensory input can be seriously impaired, particularly vision. Logic and causality easily break down once you get to the third plateau levels. Notions that are totally bizarre may seem to make perfect sense. It is very east to become extremely delusional and disoriented. One might also recall forgotten or repressed memories at these levels. The effects vary so greatly that there is no “typical” third plateau trip. Just expect it to be overwhelming. Depending on how things go, this could make for a good or bad trip. Unfortunately, for most, at this level trips tend to go bad. Although, ironically, it is often the case that the bad trips are the ones that you learn the most from. Needless to say, one can see the importance of a sober trip sitter at this level. Many still can move about at third plateau levels, and unintentionally or intentionally harm themselves. The sitter at third plateau is mostly there to make sure the tripper doesn’t do anything stupid. Something serious possibly could come up that would require calling an ambulance, but it is unlikely that this would be needed at third plateau.”
Why am I doing this? I’m nervous about writing it out because I’m not sure the reasons are good, but they are my reasons and do I really have to please anyone else with them? I’m not entirely sure why I am sharing them with anyone other than the two people I will be with, but you love me. And you worry about me. So I am not keeping you in the dark. I’ve been raped. It is something that I talk about quite often and even semi-easily. I don’t talk about the overwhelming guilt I feel about it very often. I feel like many of the times were my fault. Especially when I was date raped. I didn’t fight hard enough. They might have believed I actually wanted it… So I have it in my head to work on some reprogramming. I am going to fight. I am going to fight as long and as hard as I am capable of. And it is going to happen anyway. Tom and I worked on rape scenes and I usually felt a lot better about myself when it was over. It is a weird dichotomy. I have to feel safe before I can say no–and yet it is when I am unsafe that I need to say no the most and when I am safe that it matters the least. I think part of the reason that I want to work through this on DXM is I know this will be a bad trip. I know this is going to be even more terrifying for me than being raped was. But when it is over, I am going to be taken care of. I actually wonder if part of what I want from this experience is the aftercare of being told that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong and have someone physically take care of me when it is over.
I never told anyone when I was raped. I tended my wounds as best I could alone and didn’t tell anyone. To this day I feel upset about that. I did not receive any comfort after being horribly violated and hurt. I need to relive that experience and be taken care of after. My best friend is going to take care of me. I’ve done some pretty serious shit in the efforts to reparent myself and repair the damage of my childhood. This is one more time when I am doing that. I know that this is psychologically risky–but it is a risk I am prepared to take. I have the most awesome support network I could imagine having. The more I sit here and think about it, the more I think that the actual event is second to what I am trying to establish for after.
If you are reading this, you can probably expect a phone call on Sunday, April 17th. I may ask some people to come snuggle me and tell me that everything will be ok. I will see how I feel on the day. If you are reading this it is because I love you very much. You have impacted my world.
I am very grateful for your words. I do love you.
That day will be a pool party work day. I will organize things such that if you need to come over, I can step away from the work for an extended period. I will also be available before noon, and likely after 6.
I do think you’re taking a risk, but it’s clear that you’re on the right track with it. One of the things we’ve learned in our coaching is that we tend to seek out people to be in relationship with who are in some way like those who wounded us, because we want a different outcome. Usually we pick unconciously and too well… Such that the wounding happens again.
But in your case, you’re doing it conciously in order to create a different outcome. It is risky, brash, extreme… and uniquely you.
I understand what you are trying to do. We have talked about the rape scene part of it and I am comfortable with what you are trying to do in that sense. While it is unorthodox, I think there is an interesting potential for you to achieve the comfort and closure that you seem to be lacking regarding the initial experiences. I want you to keep in mind as you read my comments, that I SUPPORT your idea. Please don’t play the “if it disturbs you, I”ll take you off” card – I’m really trying to process WITH you, not to try to PARENT you.
I am less comfortable with the DXM aspect of it. The DXM seems like a separate issue, and has a significant likelihood of very negative physiological and psychological impacts. My concerns are on two fronts. (I have read Erowid and Third Plateau, if you’re wanting my basis for these thoughts)
One (chemical concerns) – being sure that you are in fact taking pure DXM (what’s your source?) and that you have *absolutely* no other drugs of any kind in your system (antihistamines, allergy meds in particular). Have you taken the drug more than the one other time we’ve talked about? The reading I’ve done (Erowid and Third Plateau) seem to suggest that one ought to build up to higher doses, to be sure of what the appropriate dosage actually is, and to anticipate the effects of it. It sounded like your previous experience was fairly negative (hot flashes, confusion, dizziness) already – and you plan to increase the dose? Additionally, the drug is known to cause dehydration and difficulty with motor functions and pain sensation, as well as have potentially hypertensive effects when combined with sex. It seems like you are putting yourself in danger PHYSICALLY by purposefully attempting to engage in vigorous physical activity while on DXM.
Two (psychological concerns) – you are already venturing into the delicate ground of traumatic memories – adding a drug that will further enhance the negativity of your experience seems very puzzling to me. The possibility of a psychotic break is real. I also feel like to a certain extent, adding the DXM further serves to complicate your intention of trying to fight as hard as you can but be unable to resist. The DXM will significantly impact your physical capabilities and potentially create a separate sort of rape scenario – one in which you have been drugged and are unable to resist at all. The last thing I would want is for this to become a new set of traumatic rape memories.
I really do love you, and I want to see you make progress in your healing. I want to make sure that you create a scene that will do what you are hoping. Keep talking to us.
Good luck. My number is 415 337 8693 if you need it.
I’m so very honored sweety… you’re in my thoughts as you prepare for this, and if you need anything I can do from so far away, please don’t hesitate.
I’ll be looking forward to a message of safety and healing post event.
*you are such a strong, articulate, amazing person*
~hugs~
You know how I keep telling you we have a lot in common? Yeah … that, too. And no, I didn’t tell anyone when it happened to me, either. Not the same circumstances as yours, most definitely. It was a former lover. And I dealt with it on my own. I was older when it happened, and I know how difficult it was for me. I can’t even pretend to imagine what it would have been like for you. All I can do is hold you in my thoughts with love.
About the rape scene. Um, yeah. I’ve talked with my partner about doing one, sometime. Partly to reclaim the fantasy. Because … well, yeah … it is a hot fantasy for me. And when people find out I’m a survivor of rape, they really don’t understand how extremely pissed off I get when they try to dissuade me from keeping that as a hot fantasy for me. So, I’m not going to dissuade you. I’m just going to say please, PLEASE do everything you need to do to take care of you before, during and after the scene. If that includes calling me, then dammit, you call. I’ll send you more info in an email.
The one part that worries me is including the DXM — and that’s because it may just increase the odds that this thing will go badly, which is the last thing in the world you need on top of everything else. So … as someone who loves you, please reconsider that part of it. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
I’m here whenever/however you need me.
(hugs) Quick note, as I have skimmed most of the rest of this, and seem to agree with most of what’s being said. My real concern, as with others, is the DXM. Why that particular drug? It has a pretty chancy rep. Not sure I’d use it for something this serious. But then, I just don’t know a whole lot about it. If you are convinced that this is the best drug to create the space you are looking for, then by all means, utilize whatever tool you need to get the results you are looking for, so long as you have the safeguards in place you feel you need.
Alas, I’ll be on a campout with Allegra and her troop, so not able to help you if you needed. I’m sure you have plenty of others, to judge by the responses. (hugs)