*humming American Pie*

Well, I’m not sure what is going to happen this summer anymore. I’ve had so many plans come and go. I’m not going to Burning Man and I’m pretty happy about that decision. The trip back to DC to see Puppy’s family is bouncing around and I hate that. It looks like me stopping off for a week with Julia isn’t going to happen and I am very sad about that. Getting to see her last month was a brief taunt to remind me of how very much I miss her and love her. I’m still not sure exactly when we are going or when we are coming back. Oy.

I’m thinking a lot about family. Puppy and I were talking about family and I said that my family consists of the people I will call when I want to cut. The people that if I was truly in need I would suck it up and ask them for help. There is a very small group of people that I would allow to help me–I simply have too much pride to allow someone casual in like that. The people who are invited to my house for Christmas. The people who can call me at any time of night or day and I will do whatever needs to be done to help them. It is this complicated mess of interwoven willingness to allow support that makes family. I would help my blood relatives if they needed something–but I will not allow them to help me. I wouldn’t even dream of letting them know that I need help, let alone allow them to supply it. It is amazing that they aren’t really my family in the sense that I mean when I talk about family. Puppy would call his blood relatives and has very few truly close friends. It baffles me.

In the past few days it has come up with in conversation with multiple people that they are all astounded by just how many people I know. Yes, most of them are acquaintances–but I know things about the people I know. I store up details in my head about them. Even when they have not crossed the line into the murky waters of friendship, I still care about them. I think the thing that worked best for me about poly was the greater recognition of my love for the people in my life. I don’t know if the love I feel for my friends is any different than the love most people feel, but I know that I have been much more devoted and fierce in my love and connection to my friends than anyone I have ever been involved with. (For shorthand: the people I have been “involved” with are Stephen, Tom, and somehow Noah–they are the ones who have had the most long-term impact on me.) When I saw Julia I was absolutely floored by the depth that my feelings for her still have. And though I was very happy that we got to play and share that connection, it didn’t need to go all the way to sex.

It seems that once I let someone in to that depth that I don’t get over them. It is both a blessing and a curse. I am more hesitant than some to apply the word “family” to people who are close to me. Because I really and truly am saying that I am choosing them for life. If Tom called me and needed pretty much anything from me, I would do it. He is family–even though our relationship has changed so much. I treasure my family. In the past year I have made some connections that are very intense and amazing. I am so grateful for the love I have been gifted with. I think… maybe my family is growing.