I had a thought on the way home about why I might be feeling so raw about the Noah stuff.

For the vast majority of our relationship it has been very acknowledged that he was much more into me than I was into him. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t tremendously into him… but there was an imbalance. That imbalance gave me security and power. Not sure when, but sometime recently I realized that I was no longer in such a position cause yeah… I’m pretty freakin obsessed with him. I am crazy about my husband. I think I let myself fall far and hard when he and I actually got married. And we have spent a lot of time lately going over what we want our future plans to look like in terms of me staying home with kidlets for a good many years.

So, what this means is that fairly recently and fairly suddenly I have gone from being rather independent and in a position where I am establishing my own security to needing his cooperation to ensure continued stability in life and in the not too distant future I will be in fact, financially dependent on him.

Cue panic attacks.

Maybe this is why all of a sudden it means the End Of The World if I am not the Best and Prettiest and Most Wonderfulest EVER. I’m scared. If we keep moving forward with current plans, in about 19 or so months I will be more dependent on another human being than I have been since I was 15. I’m terrified. Maybe this is why the idea of poly is causing me to wake up with night sweats. I’m so afraid of not being independent and yet there are things I want that preclude being completely independent.

Luckily, Noah is the most open minded and wonderful of men and he is trying very hard to be supportive as I struggle with this mental shift. So grateful for him.