Uhm, a note about this filter. I’ve taken people off of it because I am going through one of those major control freak periods where unsolicited comments I don’t like are really really bothering me. So I’ve cut back most of the people who make comments I don’t want to hear. Maybe that is petty, but this is my bloody journal and if I don’t get to write what I want here without being responded to in ways I don’t like I should just forget the whole thing. I label this filter pretty religiously so you know in advance that it’s the heavier shit.
Most of the time I don’t say too much about people commenting on stuff. I ignore stuff I don’t want to respond to or I take someone off a filter and that’s about the end of it. On this filter I’m going to ask everyone to think before you comment. I’m not saying that anyone has to sycophantically agree with me or suck up, just think pretty hard before you comment. If your comment is tangential or not really about what is being brought up, please don’t comment. This filter is where I write about a lot of the stuff that is the hardest for me. I let people read it because many people have expressed that they really want to see what is happening for me as I work through this stuff. But as people stop feeling safe for me to process in front of they are simply removed. It isn’t up for discussion or negotiation. If you feel like you no longer want to be on this filter, please let me know. I am happy to take you off.
Noah and I had a good conversation this morning and I figure that continuing to think about the topics is a good idea. A couple of people have noticed that “unworthy” is being a common thread in my upset this week and so I’m thinking on it. I’ve also been thinking a lot about Noelle’s question about what purpose does hating myself serve. (Really honey, I’ve been thinking about it at least daily since you asked.) So, here’s some rambling/babbling about what seems to be going on for me. First I’m going to kind of describe the situation (s) then talk about how I react to them.
For the past few months I have had an increasingly hard time handling some of my friends situations. This isn’t directed at any one person and no one should feel like this is a slap in the face. If this were a problem with just one person I would take it up with that one person and get it over with, but it is more complicated than that. Once upon a time people did not flake on me very often. It was incredibly rare. My mom is a tremendous flake and it has bothered me tremendously throughout my lifetime. As a result I tend to not make friends with people who are very flakey. But for some reason this has been relaxed in the last two years-ish. As my job has become more the focus of my life I have been much less directed in my socializing and I have started to forget who has good/bad track records for being reliable. This summer I have made plans with just about anyone who asked in a concrete way and I have pushed with a number of other people. But a lot of people have flaked on me. Or rescheduled at the last minute. And 25 % of the people who said in advance “Yes, I am coming to the reception” didn’t show up. They didn’t call, they didn’t email–they just didn’t show up. That floored me. When I lived with Tom I gave parties pretty often and no one flaked unless they had a Very Good Reason. Because if you were a no-show I just wouldn’t invite you again. I’m wondering how much this increased flakiness has to do with the change from all of my friends being in the bdsm scene to being a more diverse social crowd. Not sure really. But this is *bothering* me. I’m not writing this as a way of slamming anyone or to put anyone down in a roundabout manner, I’m simply observing the behavior of the people in my life.
I also now have people who hate me and that is… different. Yeah, there have always been some people out there in the universe who hate me, but now they are in my actual community as fixtures. People I am friends with are friends with them. And I’m not just thinking about the obvious two that some of you will think I am talking about. There are others that don’t intersect your life. I have several people I am noticeably avoiding for very specific reasons. Saying that I “hate” them would be overstating the situation by a lot, but I try to avoid taking up space in the same room as them. And those people are big parts of the lives of my friends. My world is now big enough that I can’t simply cut out the people I have issues with in some way. I’ve never asked anyone to pick me over someone else, not even in a dating situation. I don’t feel that it is right for me to lay down ultimatums so I don’t. If you give an ultimatum you deserve to lose–that is what I believe. So I don’t ask. Mostly in the past I have just quietly walked away. This has become much more complicated lately as I now have this permanent fixture in my life in the way of Noah. And I perceive Noah as wanting to have some people in his life that cause me noticeable conflict. I just don’t want them in my life. If we were noticeably more independent this would be a different issue, but we aren’t. We socialize together. If we were more independent it would be just the situation I have with friends–only it’s worse. But then there are my friends, who want to be friends with people I want to pretend don’t exist. Usually I would just drop my friends because I don’t ask people to choose and I don’t want to be near their relationships with those other people. Only… Noah is friends with them too and I don’t get to do that to his friends.
Ok, that is the overall stuff that has been really bothering me for a while. I don’t handle conflict well in general, not really. When there is conflict I tend to assume it is all my fault and I should be blamed. But to get a bit more in depth: when I feel an enourmous amount of conflict I need to find some reason for it. My perceptions of the world revolve around a pretty strict sense of justice. I’m not really sure where I got it, but I really really have a focus on justice. There has to be a reason that things happen. Things have to work out in the end even if it is hard to see where the end is sometimes. I believe this and I live my life this way. I regularly give up things and do without because I believe that is the “right thing” to do. I’m not really talking about material things anymore. I’m babbling.
If everything happens for a reason and I am being treated in ways that hurt me then I must deserve to be hurt. I love my friends and think highly of them so they wouldn’t do something that wasn’t right. And if what they are doing is right then I deserve to be treated in ways that hurt. It’s both a simple and a very complex rationalization. I have a hard time fighting back against my family because deep down I believe I deserve to be treated the way they treat me. I must have done something horribly wrong, if not in this life then in a previous life, to deserve the abuse I received. I have largely worked through a lot of this thinking and it is less pervasive than it used to be. I no longer really believe I deserve to be abused the way I was abused. Partially because I have grown to see just how broken and awful my family is so I know they rarely do what is right. But my friends are another matter. Even though I know that many of my friends have a lot of issues I don’t think of them as broken or fucked up. That means that what they are doing isn’t awful the way my family is awful. I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about how my actions affect the people around me so I assume that other people aren’t just being careless. (I’m not saying I am perfect or that I never hurt people, but I try so hard.)
Then if we come to my basic assumption that people think about what they are doing and act in a thoughtful way and things happen because they are supposed to happen–I have to figure out why the actions are happening. I feel deeply wounded by things in ways that seem to be entirely beyond the scope of the people around me to understand. I don’t know why. But if I feel this hurt, there must be a reason I deserve to be hurt. I must deserve to be hurt because I am not worthy of anything better. Really, it’s the only (il)logical conclusion. But why am I unworthy?
There are pieces of this I blame on myself in ways that reflect where I believe I have conscious choice. I am not nice enough. I am not considerate enough. I don’t do enough for people to deserve being treated better. But… I lose sleep at night trying to make sure that what I am doing doesn’t hurt people. Noah comments pretty frequently that the level to which I examine how my behavior affects other people just isn’t normal. Alright, but it still doesn’t seem to be enough. I’m still being treated badly so I guess that I have to go way above and beyond for some basic deficiency reason.
This next bit isn’t pc and I’m sorry for that but honesty just isn’t sometimes. Pretty. Pretty is this horrible, terrible, awful concept in this world. It changes from society to society and doesn’t really have much intrinsic worth of its own and yet the world revolves around it somehow. We’ve all seen the studies about how “pretty” people are called on more in school, are liked more, are given more raises at jobs, and just generally are perceived more positively. There have been a lot of studies indicating that pretty people just seem to have somewhat easier/better lives. (I know that this is only sort of true, but whatever. This is me babbling in my journal not someone writing a formal scholarly work.) So maybe part of the reason that I am unworthy of better treatment is because I am unpretty. Maybe the last big hurtle between where I am and better treatment is something I am completely unable to overcome–being unpretty. Here comes the really nasty part of this that may hurt some feelings and I’m sorry for that. There is a world of difference between attractive and pretty and my friends group is basically devoid of pretty people. There are maybe a handful of people in my extended friends group who are really “pretty” and it is rather fucking impressive how nasty people are about them and to them for it. Yes, I have been told that I am pretty but it doesn’t count because the people who have said I’m pretty aren’t pretty either. Many of my friends are gorgeous, they are hot, they are attractive, they are intruiging, they are appealing, but they aren’t pretty. What is pretty then? Pretty seems to be perfectly even features and delicacy and thin and soft and… I don’t know. I’m not sure I really can define pretty except to say that it doesn’t exist in my world. And because I define it as something that doesn’t exist in my world it is elusive and hurtful because I can never have it. Maybe I say that my friends aren’t “pretty” as a way of justifying all of the hurt that happens to us because pretty people don’t get treated that way. Unpretty/not pretty doesn’t mean ugly–just … I don’t know. I don’t know where to go with this anymore.
Ok, so I’m in a situation where I don’t like how I am being treated and I try to justify that treatment to myself by saying I am not worthy of better and part of the reason I am unworthy is that I am unpretty. Alright. So I get to this point and figure out that I am just an inferior person for reasons not entirely within my control. How should I feel about myself that I am this sort of person–well of course I hate me. I hate me because hating me is easier and more comfortable than dealing with the fact that really I am sad that I don’t deserve better. I hate me because hating me is easier and more comfortable than being mad at people who are hurting me. I hate me because I can’t just cut people out of my life anymore when they are friends with people I don’t want in my life and the continual conflict I feel within myself makes me anxious and upset and depressed and my reactions to those feelings is to hate myself for being weak. (I feel stupid for saying this but…) I hate me for the same reason Gollum hated himself. I despize my own weakness and inability to really be as strong as I want to be. People tell me all the time that I am strong and I argue with them because I don’t stand up for myself. I can stand up for other people–sure, that’s easy. But I can’t stand up for me because I don’t deserve being defended.
Alright, that just triggered a huge crying jag. That’s something. I don’t feel like I can ask my friends to defend me. I want desperately for them to want to do it, but I can’t ask. I try so hard to be there for my friends and support them and live up to all agreements I make no matter how seemingly casual but it doesn’t seem like other people feel the same way about me. It seems like it should be “no big deal” but having 25% of the people who said they would come to the reception flake felt like a serious betrayel to me. The people who told me in advance they couldn’t make it are absolved 100% of all reflection in this feeling because I know that life happens and I am not the center of the universe. I don’t want or need to be the center of the universe, but I would like to be respected and loved and have people live up to what they say they will do with me. Babbling.
Defended. Unpretty. Unworthy. Self-hatred. If I were pretty people would want to defend me. If I were worthy people would want to defend me. If people defended me then I wouldn’t need to feel so weak and pathetic because I wouldn’t be kicked hard enough to feel that way. If I didn’t feel weak and pathetic I wouldn’t hate myself.
Ok. That seems to be the chain. Seeing where patterns come from give us a solid ground from where to figure out how to change them. I’ll never be pretty. How can I feel worthy without being pretty? How can I stop feeling weak and pathetic without anyone defending me? I think holding any of my sense of self on people defending me would be stupid because no one is ever going to. How can I stop using self-hatred as a tool against feeling weak and sad?
No overall comments, but a couple of stories that may be useful:
– The way I “met” E (I always have to put that word in quotes, since we actually knew each other from well before I answered his ad… but I didn’t know who he was when I answered the ad) goes back to a no-show situation like yours. I’d given a party in my loft, and had a no-show rate pretty close to yours. And of the no-shows or no-RSVPs, virtually all of them were under 40. So I went back online, where I was working the personal ads, and reset all my criteria for people between 45 and 60 years old… and that was the search where E popped up. And this relationship — going on four years now — has made me happier than any other I’ve ever had. Don’t know what the moral is, except perhaps to reset your search terms and see what pops up.
– Regarding “pretty.” I’ve never been it, never even close, never as close as you. And what I find now, at an age where even pretty people aren’t pretty any more, is that I am roundly ignored… until I open my mouth. Being un-pretty has forced me to develop charisma, articulateness and wisdom, and anytime I can’t own a room it’s probably because I don’t want to. Yes, I’ve probably had to work harder to get there than I would have if I were pretty, but look at all the great shit I’ve gotten along the way.
Thank you. These are both good stories to think about.
I don’t think I have anything to say here, especially not during a workday, but I wanted you to know that I read every word of this.
What I have for you on these subjects (where I’m aware they touch me and mine) is best handled in real-time. When you’re ready to talk about it, I am. I kinda hate the phone, but if that’s the easiest way for you, I can do it.
I’m free tonight after six. If that’s too soon, just let me know when you’re ready, and we can schedule a time.
On the rsvps: I don’t understand it either. The last three times I’ve held small group events, with plenty of notice and a couple of reminders, I’ve had a response rate of less than 50% from people who couldn’t bring themselves to say “yes”, “no”, or even “maybe”. And of those saying “yes”, I had 20% actually make the event. Which meant I had roughly three people actually show up, one of whom hadn’t bothered to respond to the invitation in any way even though it said in all caps that responses were requested. Between the picking and choosing which social group gets invited into my tiny livingroom this time (because I have five close ones and only one will fit at a time and then only if I define “group” very strictly) and the incredibly poor response rate, I end up wanting never to have people over again and it makes me feel grumpy and resentful about it. None of which is very useful to you, I know, but it is a grump I share. In your shoes, I would be similarly crushed by those people not showing up to my reception; it would make me feel unimportant and small. And I would likely be less inclined to invite them to anything important to me again.
Wow. Big hugs.
First I would like to point out that you are gorgeous and radiant..and that you have absolutely been an inspiration and a solid rock in helping me get through parts of the last tumultuous year, probably in more ways than you know or that I could even hope to express.
Anything I could say about the whole issue of the concept of ‘pretty’ needs more careful consideration. At this point it looks like my own concept of ‘pretty’ is equated with ‘anti-human’, but this is something I’m still trying to sort out.
I’ve been having a lot of struggles myself with defining and red-defining the boundaries of my friendships, as I think you know. People that I would have died for have been dropped down to the level of ‘acquaintance’ or worse, and vice versa. One of the things that seems to (maybe, hopefully) work for me is just being really direct with these people about who I can be around and what I can and cannot talk about. I did finally give an ‘ultimatum’ to a handful of people, saying that ‘I need to pretend that these particular people don’t exist, and I cannot be around them, so if you can’t support me in that, tell me now.’ They are perfectly able to associate with these people if they wish, as long as I don’t have to hear about it and as long as I feel otherwise respected. It is looking like I’m losing some friends over it but the benefits to my self esteem have seriously started to outweigh those losses. I have no idea if that kind of approach would work in your situation, but if there is anything I can do, I am happy to at least try.
Regarding the no-shows…I was really floored that I was one of the first people there because my entire life people have made fun of me for being late to everything. Part of that has been some major shifts in my outlook on things, and part of that has just been other people being cruel for laughs. To be honest, though?….I think that when people flake out on things and don’t show up for things that it is inherently selfish. I don’t even mean this in a negative way, per se…just that their ‘focus’ is self-directed and they literally are not immediately considering the effects of their actions on others. I say this because I think that for, me, that was a big shift I had to go through: I was honestly unaware of the effects of my actions, but a shift in that awareness is causing a drastic shift in my behavior. If these people are apologizing profusely and that sort of thing, perhaps they are starting to learn, but I think you would be quite justified in critically deciding how much to involve these people in your life in the future. It is also not your responsibility to teach these people to be more considerate. I’ve never thrown an actual party to the best of my recollection because I don’t think I could handle being subject to people’s carelessness (also because I don’t like being the center of attention, but that’s a different issue), so you are many steps ahead of me there.
I can’t answer some of those other questions for you- and besides, I don’t think that that was what you were looking for. At any rate, I feel relly proud to be able to consider you a friend.
I couldn’t answer these questions even if you *were* looking for such. I do know that I have to rely on LJ to keep up with what’s what in your world, since my work schedule means I see very few people with any regularity, let alone those way off in Fremont :-). But I am grateful to be kept on these filters, I will say that much for certain.
Okey, I’m gonna start my commenting without reading the whole thing so that I don’t forget what I was thinking. I *will* read the whole thing, I’m just gonna take it in pieces.
So first thing.
This: “If everything happens for a reason and I am being treated in ways that hurt me then I must deserve to be hurt.”
Some thoughts may seem logical but in fact aren’t. First, does everything happen for a reason? How do we know this? Do we know it?
So maybe not, maybe so. Maybe both? I don’t think we really know that everything happens for a reason. At least not for the kind of reason your implying. The world is full of a mass of causes and effects. We are constantly in a sea of motion, reaction, response. Knowing what one reason there could be for any given painful situation is pretty near impossible.
Assuming it’s cause of “deserving” is really just that, an assumption.
A thought like that can provide a certain psychological service though.
If we believe that what happens to us has something to do with us earning it then we believe we have some control over what happens to us through that.
Perhaps we can affect what happens to us but to believe that we can control it or predict it is really stretching it.
We can influence things, yes. Control them?
I haven’t really noticed any human that has that complete power yet.
Anyhoo, the “deserving” thought can give an illusion of control to us. That would be what it provides. It may also protect us from the great yawning question of “Why?”.
Why is there suffering? It’s a big question and not easy to contemplate. It’s okay to say that you don’t know though.
What I can say is that our thoughts and our chosen perceptions can profoundly effect *how we experience* what happens to us.
That’s the strongest predictor of positive or negative or neutral or
somewhere-in-between experiences that I know of.
Meanwhile the thought that you deserve pain or punishment may be one of the reasons you sometimes hate yourself. Perhaps if you can do it first and self lacerate then the gods or other people or circumstance will leave off punishing you. May be on some level you believe that.
Anyhoo, you don’t have to believe it.
There are more rational thoughts available.
Okey that’s part 1. I’ll probably do some more commenting in a minute.
🙂
Okey, “basic assumption that people think about what they are doing”.
Not necessarily. Some people don’t think they have to, some don’t want to, or if they do think about em they may come to a very different conclusion than you may because of their particular orientation, perspective and influences.
The inside of peoples’ minds and hearts is wild, wild country and all kinds of reasoning or non-reasoning can come out of that. You may never know what was going on in someone’s head or heart.
That being said you do have a view of your own landscape, wild that it is, and you can say what you prefer.
Does counting on flakey friends make you happy? Does having flakey friends make you happy?
You get to decide what you want to do about that. Can I just push in in the direction of whatever decision makes you happiest? I hope I can. *nudge, nudge*
Let me just tell you that you don’t owe anyone your friendship or time or energy. Those are yours to give and spend as you like.
Yes your decisions around how you deal with that may affect how other people perceive you but again you can not control how and what other people perceive. That’s their business, your perceptions are your business.
Now on to the subject of people that hate.
Yah, I don’t like to hang around with people that hate. Especially when they focus it in my direction. Not comfortable.
Now why do people hate? Because they chose to. They may believe they have good reasons. They’re still choosing that response to their reasons and perceptions though. Which again is their business. It’s not yours to figure out or sort out. In fact, even if you tried to sort it out you couldn’t affect their perception without their permission.
Question is what do you want to do about the potential of being around people that hate?
You can do a lot about it. You get to go where you want to. You get to deal with who you want to. You get to focus your attention where you want to. You get to move your attention away or toward whatever you want to.
Do what most makes you happy.
Okey, more later.
Pretty. Hmm. You say there are these studies but.. how bout the studies of whether these “pretties” are happier? I’m not sure that there is one that says that they are.
You’ve said that you’ve seen how people can be vicious to those you perceive as pretty.
Even by your own evidence I wonder how true this idea is that they all have it better.
But it really doesn’t matter cause it’s just another ism. Like racism. You know that studies can show that whites get better treatment than other race groups. And yet you know that that idea of the privilege that you received really isn’t accurate.
Anyway these studies come up with averages. That’s a mathmatical concept that covers all difference with some math voodoo. You know it can take highly disparate realities and funnel them into the equation and come out with this “average” concept.
My point is there are more realities out there than these studies can show.
I think that you say there is no pretty in your world to protect yourself from your wanting to be pretty, or from your wanting to be or have what you believe being pretty confers.
Wanting something badly can be a difficult feeling to carry. I do think acknowledging that wanting makes it easier to carry though rather than refusing it. The wanting is still there, it doesn’t go away, it just twists if we refuse to respect it. Then it hurts more and comes out in weird ways.
It’s okay to want to be pretty.
Okey, continued in a minute or few.
Meanwhile have you seen this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA
People defending you or not.
Some people just aren’t fighters or don’t believe it’s their business or don’t wanta rock the boat or whatever. I totally get you wanting someone or someones to defend you.
I doubt the decision to fight or not fight (defense is fighting) is about you.
Speaking of about you, you *are* The Center of the Universe. Just your Universe. 🙂 And everyone else is the center of their own.
It’s your Universe, you get to make it how you like.
Maybe hating yourself is what makes you feel weak and pathetic. Could that be?
And for your stop using self hatred plan I want to recommend self love. Ignore self talk that is unkind and replace it with strong self talk that is exceptionally kind. Keep at it even if you don’t believe it. It will help. Love helps. It has a cumulative affect too so every bit of love given to yourself is good.
If you need help coming up with it, imagine that you could hear from someone all the things you’ve most wanted to hear. Write that down and speak it to yourself.
You can also imagine another speaking these things to you.
You will be well. I can see you reaching towards it.
🙂
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn’t me tonight.
need i remind you what happens to *her?*
y’know, pretty is such a relative thing.
i recall a time a friend was shit on, big time, by a bird flying overhead.
“in Turkey that’s consider good luck” my friend said brightly.
“maybe. but were not in Turkey” came the immediate reply.
ergo and to wit:
pretty is a bird shitting on you –
– big time.
and, it seems to me, you’re defending yourself pretty well.
honestly.
read back thru your entry.
remove the anxiety and fear.
you seem fairly strong to me.
Wow. Thank you for this honest post. And God, do I understand about the “unpretty” thing. I think about the connection between my self worth and my “unprettiness” and it is so THERE! And for me, turning on myself is so much easier than being like, “This is so fucked up! The way that I am being treated is NOT okay. And fuck, this just may be about THEM and not ME! Imagine that!” Instead I go to, “I suck. I am ugly. So I deserve this.”
I also get the wanting people to defend me. I know that I cannot demand it, or EXPECT it, but that doesn’t mean that my heart breaks when it doesn’t happen. My values go like this, “If I love you, if you are my chosen family, if you are a dear friend, I have your back.” I won’t sit back and let people treat you like shit or trash on you. And some people disagree with me. Which is fine. But I am discovering that this kind of weeds out who I need in my life too…Yeah, having friends who have people in their lives that you do not want in your own life…that is a tough one….and walking away, that has been what has given me the best peace of mind, although it has taken me awhile to discover this.
And I am so sorry about not making it to your reception…I am sorry that I was not in a strong enough frame of mind…I am sorry that I hurt you….