On the internet I read that some people have a problem with the word bossy. Whatever. I’m bossy.

Yesterday we went with two families to the local tea shop. Jenny introduced me to the tea shop so it has an extra special warm place in my heart. I’ve been bringing my kids periodically all their lives. I have my “tea shop patter” down.

When we are outside the store, “Ok! How do we examine things inside antique shops?” “With our eyes and not our hands.” “Where do your hands stay The Whole Time?” “In our imaginary pockets.”

When we get to the table I have all kinds of cheerful misdirections away from using the spoons as catapults. Yes this comes up over and over.

Yesterday it was kind of weird because I Mothered the whole table. I divided the food and told people what they got and insisted on ordering more food when someone kind of faintly said they were more hungry and … I didn’t mean to take over. There were two other mothers there. I thought they would be more assertive in just taking stuff. We ordered four tea sets to split between eight people. Isn’t it obvious to everyone at the table that we should split every sandwich in half so that everyone gets an equal amount?

Apparently not. Ok. I’ll be bossy then.

I’m never sure if I’m ruffling feathers or being rude or taking over with other peoples kids or or or. I didn’t mean to boss the whole table. I just boss my kids and your kids were standing nearby when I said it. I don’t think I’m the boss of them. You are totally free to argue with everything I say and do it a different way.

My kids do better when I set my expectations out clearly and specifically. I have learned what I want from them and how to say it in a way they can process. We have been to this tea shop at least 40 times. I have learned the patter.

I believe that if I want my children to learn to smile at me and say things in a nice way it is my obligation to say things to them that way. Every time. Even when I really don’t fucking want to. I still owe them courtesy and cheerfulness because if I want it back I have to model it. And model it. And model it. No matter how I feel about it that day.

It’s rather oppressive sometimes. But I do it because I like the results I get out of my kids. I like that I can take them anywhere and they will do really well for at least an hour. You can’t do that with every little kid. Once we went to this tea shop with a little boy friend. I didn’t find out until we got there that the parents don’t ever take him to restaurants because his behavior was terrible but the mom didn’t want to disappoint Shanna when she asked them to go. I left like a 75% tip that day because we broke things.

I believe that human animals can be taught to do just about anything if you try hard enough and are patient and loving and coaxing through the process. It’s a lot easier to run now that I have Blacksheep’s voice in my head instead of the nasty critical voices I have always heard about my feeble attempts at physical fitness.

Having someone believe you are capable is often the first and hardest step. Sometimes you really need someone else to believe you are capable so you can believe it of yourself.

I wouldn’t have “finished” the marathon without Blacksheep. She told me I could. So I did. Even though it was a really hard race.

I frequently feel awkward with the home schoolers. I wear my bossy pants. The wonderful lady who holds our group together with scotch tape and bailing wire is not naturally someone to get bossy with a large group. So she seems to appreciate that I’m happy to yell at large groups of kids (in a nice way) to organize group stuff. Like grouping up for pictures. Not yelling for behavior. That I stay out of until it gets really bad.

I’m pretty happy to be the one to herd squirrels. I miss stage managing. I miss teaching. I miss organizing groups of people into a result. I even miss working retail sometimes. Cleaning my house gives me less satisfaction.

But you do what you do for the day you are  in. Today I take care of my kids. For this period of my life my job is educating my children.

Holy shit are they going to turn out bossy. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand. Holy Validation Batman. On the other hand… that is one of the personality traits that people dislike the most about me. I’m kind of damning my kids, know what I mean?

But the world needs women who are good at giving orders. I believe it with all my heart and soul. In order to give orders you have to believe that you have the right and that’s complicated.

I don’t have “the right” to boss everyones kids. I just do it any way. I do it until I’m told to stop. People don’t tell me to stop very often. When people do I tend to respond with, “Wow that teacher voice is hard to get rid of” and then people laugh. This culture has a lot of tolerance for teachers. I still skate on that quite cheerfully. I take any slack I can get without hesitation.

It is easier to remember things if you are taught when you are in a relaxed state of mind. Which is why half or more of my little “patter” lectures I deliver in little songs I make up. My kids don’t take my bossy pants patter as a negative. I’m trying to set them up to succeed. They like it when they know what is expected of them because then they have the option of doing it. They sure like the result of being able to do what people want from them.

They have learned the difference between how the antique store dealers treat them on days they only look and on days they touch. When they keep their hands to themselves they usually get a sticker and frequently are handed a cookie. Whereas I don’t do a lot of straight up bribery myself I am cool with other people using it as a tactic.

I feel like this is my opportunity to help someone else get punished less for fucking up. I can help you understand a lot of the boundaries so people don’t hate you the way they hated me when I was a child. I was as curious as Shanna. I broke as many things. (Holy shit for shoe shine that kid breaks things.) No one was with me though so I took my punishments on my own. Shanna has a different experience. Shanna is not having the experience of having to leave over and over and over and over because every time you break something it means someone hates you and won’t let you in their house ever again.

Noah really doesn’t understand how much I have changed. I’m a lot more ok with failure now than I ever believed I could be. When I was younger I was pretty paralyzed with fear about the idea of fucking up or making mistakes and breaking things. Noah taught me that you can’t learn without trying and failing. I spent most of my early life seeing my failings as a sign that I was a pathetic loser who shouldn’t be trying.

My kids aren’t like that. My kids don’t have a sense of self like mine. My kids think, “You can’t learn without making mistakes. When you break things you apologize and try to make it right.” Shanna has paid for things out of her allowance. She has repaired things. She has cleaned up the mess herself. And none of these results were decided upon with shaming, shouting, or contempt. I just talked to her about what the right thing to do would be. She picked the result and she was cool with it.

Shanna’s experience of life is: when you break something you need to figure out how to make it right. You have a bunch of options for how that can happen. Negotiate to figure out which is right this time.

Sometimes I flinch when she breaks things because I still expect to be hit. I feel really pathetic. But she doesn’t flinch.

My kids don’t flinch.

I’m doing something right.

All of the kids yesterday (five of them!) did great. We had a blast. Then we ran hard for an hour and a half to burn off the energy we stored up sitting patiently in the tea shop. It was great.

Sometimes I’m scared that home schooling my kids means they don’t get to have relationships. I fear isolating them. Then I think that instead of sitting in school all day we get to go to the tea shop and then the park. Not so isolated. And learning useful life skills.

Yeah, this is what I want to do with this time.