I would dearly love to up my medication dosage right now because this lower dose shit is eating me alive.

Things I am freaking out about: stuff. How to store it, how to dispose of it, how to get people to do the parts that I think they want to do but I’m communicating poorly so it is a mixed bag.

I’m not freaking out because of you. I’m freaking out because I need to start getting rid of stuff and if I wait 6 months to start I am going to be very sorry because then I will need to move quickly and that will be so much harder. We are going to end up with a small storage unit worth of stuff (mostly books) and suitcases. Everything else will have to go and if I try to do it quickly it will hurt my body.

So I’m starting now. I’m giving things back to people who loaned me stuff (which I’m communicating poorly about and then I feel like I’m about to flip out because I’m doing such a bad job of advocating for myself) and I’m trying to get rid of stuff. One of my buddies would like to sell stuff for me because it represents possibly many hundreds of dollars but she wants to do so on her schedule with me storing stuff until she feels like picking it up.

That is not a bad thing for her to want but if my goal is getting it out of my house and her goal is to make as much money off of selling things slowly while storing things at my house…

I’m not doing well at advocating for myself and I feel like a horrible bitch.

And then when I do get to Goodwill the employee yelled at me that I have to sort all of the stuff I donate.

Fuck. Everything.

Getting rid of stuff is so stressful.

And my kids are kids. I’m tired of fighting over food. Like, seriously fucking tired of arguing and fighting over every god damn meal. Lately things are awful. This comes in waves. The kids want to be micromanaging control freaks about every bite and none of them should be healthy. I’m done. I’m at the point where I am going to start flipping out so I need to set the boundaries early and hard. It’s not ok for me to scream at them. So I am going to start sending them in the back yard every single time they argue about food. We have regular negotiations where everyone gets an equal vote. Everyone gets to ask for meals at meal planning time. Everyone gets to say that X or Y vegetable is a hard limit and they will not eat it ever and have that respected. No one is forced to eat fucking eggplant or onions or mushrooms or… the list is god damn long. Our “acceptable” list of vegetables is fairly tightly proscribed. We only make foods that are on the tolerable list. So having to get into a fight about every god damn meal is feeling just unfair to the extreme. I’m sick of it. It is so god damn rude.

It’s like how my kids are feeling the need to interrupt their classes and argue with the teachers to the point where they are disrupting anyone getting to learn. Everything has to be about them every second of every day.

Dude. I am totally a more respectful student than this so it’s not just that they are acting like me. This is bullshit. They are hella rude. I need to get this shit in line. This is not ok.

I need more medication. And my children need more friends and time away from each other but we are struggling to make that work. I could put them in school but it wouldn’t give them friends or emotional benefits beyond time away from each other. I think it would create a lot of problems.

It’s 8:10 and the kids will be in camp all day and I am just about to explode with impatience. I want them away from me. And right this minute I’m feeling hella sad that the entire day will be spent under the baby. I love the baby. I’m feeling touched out and overwhelmed and I want a little space to be in my body and in my brain without someone complaining at me or hurting me.

I hate breastfeeding.

Just another day in paradise.