Hi. I’m not writing a lot here. An awful lot of how I am coping I have mixed feelings about. I’m doing that thing I used to do to access emotional energy. Some day I will feel confident enough to transfer all the writing from that other social media site, not yet. I think I need my baby to be a lot older. I can’t tell. Maybe I will impulsively do it before then. I don’t know yet.

I’m getting stuff done. Maybe enough? I don’t know. I’m exercising a ton. I ran 4 miles this morning. I’ve walked another 5. I’ve cycled over 5 miles with another trip to town ahead of me. I did a yoga class this morning. Thursdays are my ridiculous day.

The kids are coping. We carry on doing stuff and growing and trying to become part of the community. It’s a process. I notice that I get much more positive community interaction at the shopping centre near my house compared to downtown. In town people are hostile about me looking weird. In my neighbourhood everyone smiles and talks to me. That’s interesting.

Life continues. I am participating in life affirming behaviour. It’s the best I can do. The legal process of dealing with the death continues to suck. It is moving slowly and I’m fucking amused that now that it’s not waiting on me it is still going at a turtle’s pace because all the professionals are more lackadaisical about responding to email than I am.

I finally got the safe open (I lost the keys and had to get a locksmith) so I could send the paperwork to SSA. They will back pay me from December. That will be very useful.

I’m going back and forth in my head being wild self recrimination for how I’m coping and rueful knowledge that Noah would both expect this and understand and forgive me. Noah understood me and he would understand this way of surviving. I am a stunted tree and I yet reach for the light. Sometimes I really don’t know what to do about the fact that Noah has been my guiding light for so long. I don’t know if I will like the me I am without him as much. I’m worried.