I need to feel in control of something. I need to feel like I can accomplish a thing. So I set myself the goal of 3 books per week for the year. I’m keeping up, barely, because I’m adding in graphic novels and YA fiction along with the harder books. At any moment in time I have 3-6 books on the go.

Right now my youngest is experiencing her second grounding in this lifetime. I know that grounding isn’t a consequence other people like. I know that the way I do it feels “unfair” to other people when I describe it. I also know that we lead a life outside the norm and we have to be able to work together. I don’t stonewall or act mean through a whole grounding but there is a massive cessation of the good parts of our life. It is a reminder that every action has a consequence. The older you get the higher the penalties get. This is a small taste of how awful things could be if you seriously broke laws as an adult.

Also, mostly, the kids are aware that I ground them only when I am starting to feel so furious that I am a potential danger to them. I ground so that they are not allowed to continue pushing me when I am on my last nerve. It is a safety measure as much as it is a punishment. We talk through the whole grounding about how my body activation is hard to reduce when it gets that high. I hate feeling like this. It’s way harder without Noah here. Luckily the big kids have always been so protective of their sister that I don’t worry about crossing lines the way I did with my oldest. No one was around to mediate my fury when he went through this stage. I have regrets about that.

He says that in the long run he is glad that he understands that he is as responsible for creating positive feedback loops as everyone else is.

I don’t hit my kids. Sometimes I will take away the extra joy that I usually provide so that they can experience what it is like when they actually have a terribly boring life. It’s a deprivation vacation so they can see how good they normally have it. I can live with this. I don’t believe that anyone should be so entitled they take their good stuff for granted.

That said, it’s hard passing the time in a grounding without doing shit to extend the grounding. I know this struggle. I’m inconsistent about interaction stuff during groundings. I spend as much time in the room with the grounded kid as I physically can stand without getting more frustrated. Now, with my baby, I’m paying the older kids for babysitting shifts of sitting with her. Mostly we don’t entertain/interact but we are a presence so she doesn’t actually feel abandoned (and so she doesn’t sneak off to get into trouble).

Yesterday I restarted the Circle of Magic series by Tamora Pierce. She’s one of my very favourite authors. I sat down and pulled my baby between my legs and put the book in front of her face. She read to me until her voice gave out. Then I read to her until my voice gave out. Then she had another turn. Then she wanted us to read silently while cuddling for another chapter. She is the best reader of all of my children. There’s no way in hell EC or MC could have read like this at 8 years old. They both struggled in different ways. EC is dyslexic. MC it is less clear to me exactly what is going on but reading was a slowly progressing thing. They were both very good readers by 11, it took them more time though.

I am in the middle of a biography of Terry Pratchett. It made me smile that he had to be bribed to read until he was 11 and then he took off like a rocket. I would have really enjoyed raising that man. He sounds a lot like my children.

YC is heading in the direction of being able to read like her father. That fills my heart with joy. She is good at reading out loud and she can do voices consistently. I’m not great at that. My voices kind of wander all over. Noah was amazing. He could have been a voice actor. YC has the same verve and toleration for strain on the throat. She did wear out yesterday but she went a long time. She read close to 50 pages. If she continues to do it the way Noah did she will have his ability to go 6 hours by the time she is grown. Seeing that is such a complicated thing. Parenting is magic because in each child I see shards of myself and shards of Noah and still they are completely and totally their own separate creature.

I see how YC is terribly vulnerable at this stage but I have a lot of hope for her. I’ve also reread Your 8 Year Old recently. I feel enormous pressure to get this year right. She needs me. She needs me to be delighted by her. She needs me to love her and hold her and help her see her own value. This is the exact time for this lesson. I have to do it now. This is when I must stick the landing. This is my last run through this process. My older children glow with love. I am going to give this to my baby even though her circumstances are very different.

She is still going to have a happy childhood. I will make sure of that. Yes, she has endured tragedy and loss and it will impact all of us forever. We are still together. We are still fortunate and blessed and lucky. We still have a safe life. We still have access to joy. We are still competent and strong and deeply aware that we have a lot to give on top of needing a lot of love and support.

I hate it when a kid is grounded. It makes my life suck. Nobody wants to have to deal with grounding in this house. No one. This is awful. Nevertheless I am teacher and mother and principal and authority. There are ways of being antisocial that can’t be tolerated. You have to care about the good of the group. If you don’t then you will be outside the benefits of the group. It’s never pleasant but it is part of life. It will be true forever. If you push people far enough they won’t come back.

Of course I will always come back. Don’t worry about that. I will. Other people won’t. You need to feel in your bones that there is a base level of decent behaviour everyone is required to exhibit. There is a social contract. It doesn’t matter if you are disabled or if it is harder for you than other people. No one cares. There is a bare minimum you have to hit. I am required to be the one who teaches this lesson as I am the one who elected to educate my child outside the normal routes. Other kids learn this through social ostracism at school. Frankly, it’s more emotionally damaging in the normal route.

My kids never worry about me failing to love them later. It’s not a question. They also learn “When mom says ‘No’ she means it and you’d better take it seriously.” I feel like this is a good life lesson. No one is beaten. No one is shamed. No one is made to feel less than. They simply experience what it is like to have less fun for a while.

Mostly our life is pretty darn fun.

Even within the less fun parameters I still want my children to experience cuddling and snuggles and love and adoration. Even when I’m willing to be an asshole and punish you because the alternative is you pushing me till I break and do something much more awful I still love you more than I love anything in the world. You are the reason I wake up every morning genuinely excited to say “I am so happy to see you again.” I mean it every day. That’s why I say it every day.

And now I have a baby who loves to read the way I love to read instead of children who read sometimes but mostly prefer other mediums of learning. I keep wondering who in this series will feel the most relatable to her. Clearly I am most like Tris and I am ok with that, even with the whole plant magic thing. My emotions are like the weather. They impact other people and I have to work hard at managing to let the full range happen without damage. Everyone needs all the feelings. I need all the feelings. I need to not create damage with all of the different ways I feel intense emotions.

Speaking of which, my stomach hurts. I was sick yesterday very early in the morning once and not since. I’m not sure if this is more digestive upset or if I’m simply anxious. I’m always anxious. I have control over so little. One thing I do have control over is reading all these books. I’d better get back to it.