Statuses suck. Sometimes I don’t have the spoons to flesh out a thought. On those days I struggle to stick with light topics. I should though.

First: demisexuality is valid. I am not disputing that.

Second: the nuance that is impossible in a status (and perhaps I figured this out after having my ass handed to me) is that I experience people using demisexuality not solely as a subset of asexuality, but rather as a spectrum that is dropped on top of the allosexual to asexuality spectrum. I’m willing to accept that other people still think I’m wrong and an asshole.

In my experience, and I’m not the authority on anything here so give that very little weight, people who are demisexual can be incredibly strong in spontaneous desire once they unlock the key with the right person. Asexuals, as I understand the term, are people who never have that spontaneous desire no matter how much they love someone. They might still have sex because it’s a useful act for relationship maintenance and such but they don’t want it for themselves.

My understanding of demisexuality is that the desire is picky and selective and possibly incredibly rare.

I would venture to say that most allosexuals overlap with demisexuality. The majority of humans who are capable of feeling spontaneous desire don’t do so randomly with strangers very often. They have to get to know someone first. There is the generic thirst conversations about hot famous people but those are fairly theoretical and people don’t tend to actually follow up.

I am one of the sluttiest people I have ever met. I look for other ravenous sluts as hard as I can. People like us are a very small piece of the population.

I wrote the status the other day because I keep running into circumstances where people apologise for not being able to walk into a room and have sex with anyone there.

Why in the fuck are you apologising?

You are entitled to own your own attraction pattern. You don’t owe anyone lust. You definitely don’t owe anyone rapid access to your body sexually. It makes me feel really fucking upset when I see people using demisexual as a label mixed in with apology. I feel this towering rage and I want to cry. How fucking dare society make you feel like there is something wrong with you. You aren’t broken. It is good that your body gives you a pause before you make stupid decisions with strangers. You don’t have anything to apologise for and I am furious that life has made you feel like you should.

I am not angry with people for being demisexual. I am not angry with people for using the label. It is a logical and sensible thing to know about oneself. What I failed to communicate in the status is that I am very upset that so many people seem to see demisexuality as inferior or something to feel bad about or a way of being defective.

It’s not any of those things. It’s a healthy way for your brain to keep your body safe from harm. I wish I had more of it. You aren’t a freak or bad or wrong because your body waits to feel safe before you feel desire. That is positive. That’s good for you.

I am angry that the popular representation is such that needing safety before desire is described as being a “lack” of desire. Well, some people do have less desire than they would prefer. That’s reasonable for a person to decide on their own for their body. Some demisexuals are really close to the ace end of the experience and their desire is incredibly rare and genuinely isn’t something to be counted on, of course. Even that should not be pathologised. If you don’t like how close your body is to being fully asexual, that’s one thing. Fair. We all get stuck with things in our bodies that are annoying and frustrating. Asexuality is still part of the range of normal for human beings. It’s not anything like as rare as hypersexuality. Way more people aren’t having sex than are having lots of sex.

Hypersexuals are loud mouthed assholes who like to make themselves the centre of attention.

Hi. In this moment I feel comfortable speaking for my people.

The loudness of hypersexuals means that we get a lot of press and attention and we seem like a bigger percentage of the population than we are. It’s kind of like how if you pay attention to the number of news stories about transgender folk they must be way more than 1% of the population, right? No. They are a tiny minority who are getting more press time than their share of the demographic would otherwise indicate as reasonable.

If you put 100 people in a room more of them will be demisexual than either hypersexual or asexual. Probably there will be more demisexuals than there are hypersexuals and asexuals put together.

My loves, you never have anything to apologise for. If someone is pressuring you then they are a dick. You aren’t defective. They are being unfair. They are out of pocket. They are the problem, not you.

A status is a poor way to communicate.

For the demisexuals who are really far on the ace end, I can absolutely see how spontaneous desire seems really far away. I’m not trying to argue with that in any way. There are so many aspects of being demisexual that I can’t speak to because I am incapable of experiencing anything like that in my body. I don’t know the frustrations of living in a body like that. I know the frustrations of living in a hypersexual body.

From this position what I was trying to say was: turning people down is not a mean or harsh thing to do. In grad school I propositioned a lovely friend of mine. In many ways a lot of people would say he was kind of crazy. I was hella fit, slutty, and a very good time. He is morbidly obese and timid and had never dated anyone. Wasn’t I doing him a favor? (No. I wasn’t. I was attracted to him because he’s an amazing human.) He told me no. He told me that he is not capable of feeling desire until he knows someone is fully picking him and not just using him for a good time. We are still friends. His wife is great.

He didn’t hurt me by telling me no. He gave me a space where I could love and trust him even more. I knew he would say no when he needed to. I knew he was co-creating a relationship container in which we both knew the rules for being good for each other. He was showing me love as a friend.

He’s just one of a great many people who have turned me down. He’s one of the first that comes to mind though. That no was sacred. That no was holy. It was part of him respecting himself and me enough to be real instead of performing a script assigned by society.

Now, I totally see where it can be a lot more complicated to go to bdsm/kink spaces as a demisexual because it’s a hunting ground for hypersexuals to a really large degree. That’s a level of complicated social pressure that I can’t even begin to fully unpack today. My hands are getting done fast.

When I say that demisexuality doesn’t make you a freak what I’m really saying is that demisexuality is not statistically rare. Complete asexuality is rare, as I understand it, but I still wouldn’t say that being asexual makes you a freak. It does make you more of a statistical outlier.

Still less of an outlier than me.

It’s weird sitting in this place on the bell curve. As I age this is going to be interesting because my sexuality is going to continue to narrow as more and more humans are technically available but don’t turn my crank. It feels very different to be owning this hypersexuality now as a 44 year old than it did as an 18 year old. At 18 I didn’t prefer 20+ years older than me but it happened. Now I cannot conceive of touching someone 20 years younger than me. The thought makes me feel physically repulsed. I’m sorry, darlings. It’s not you; it’s me.

I wish people didn’t feel like they owed anyone anything. I wish people felt more entitled to want what they want. Of course this gets complicated when there is a mismatch either internally or within a relationship.

I am thinking about this a lot as I move forward with my life. Demisexuality honestly sounds great. I wish that I didn’t feel desire until I was closer to people. I wish I felt less desire in general because I’m tired of thinking about sex. It is an obsessive track in my brain.

You are not broken because you get to have peace in your brain (at least about this topic) more than I do.

I wasn’t trying to invalidate demisexuality in any way. I was trying to say that it is real and it is important and you deserve to be treated with respect on the path you are taking. If someone tries to challenge you or disrespects your need to accommodate your body’s timeline for sex they are in the wrong.

Go as slowly as you need to. Sex is not better when it is rushed while you are uncomfortable. That’s silly. That’s selfishness, not connection. As a hypersexual I have to think about this as I approach people. I can’t be selfish with them. I need to reach for genuine connection or what I am doing is fucked up. I have to work hard to find my brake.

None of you demisexuals owe assholes like me anything, not your body, not your time, and not your dignity. You don’t ever have to apologise for saying no. No is a complete sentence. You don’t need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or excuse).

You may wish you had different stuff going on in your body. That’s fair! Most of us have that experience while being alive. The thing is, you are part of normal. We all are. Even the really rare statistical outiers are still part of the range of normal in the sense that we appear in nature. We happen. There is no way to prevent us from existing.

Someone like you is supposed to exist. You don’t have to like that you are the one getting stuck with it, fair enough. We need all of us to save us. We need all of us to understand how complex humans are. We need the differences and the similarities.

I need you. It’s super great when you can say “no” to things at important times. That lets me love you with greater respect. If someone chooses not to love you with greater respect, maybe that human is not good for you. Moving on is very hard and painful; I know. You are worth defending. You are worth protecting. You are good enough as you are.