Author Archives: Krissy Gibbs

About Krissy Gibbs

Just your average hippy white trash incest survivor stay at home mom. Is there an average for us? No? Oh well.

{my shit} Thinking about depression

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I have been told all of my life that I am a negative person. I can’t count how many people have told me that. At this point I realize that the label doesn’t actually fit. I am not negative; in fact, I am very positive. The reason I have so many mood swings is because I have always had very good reasons to be upset and sad but I try to bounce back. If I weren’t fighting to be positive I wouldn’t have nearly so many mood swings.

Everytown has brought up some really heavy duty processing for me. Last night Noah and I were talking and I told him more of the pieces. I told him things I have literally never said out loud in my life. I feel raw and exposed and scared. I also recognize that I am very deeply depressed and if I am honest with myself I have been since the scary scene in late December. If I really stop and look at what has been happening I can see big patterns: I’ve significantly changed my eating habits for the worse, I’ve all but stopped moving let alone exercising, and I am hiding from people unless I have no choice. This has resulted in me gaining weight and losing muscle so I am progressively more unhappy about how I feel in my body. Ok, so I can see this happening. Now I need to figure out what to do about it.

I have been trying so hard to not acknowledge that I am falling into this pit because it feels like I am letting Noah down. But I’m here. And I need to deal with it. For the record: we are still in that “don’t give me advice” week. I don’t need meds; I have crawled out of this before by myself and I will do it again. The first big step in dealing with a problem is admitting you have it. Ok, I’m depressed. Time to start working on fixing it.

Shit

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The last few days have been a serious roller coaster ride. I’ve been forced to look at things and talk about things that I try not to acknowledge. And the end result of so much of it is that I have even more people who feel qualified to tell me what I should do to “be better” in some way.

I would like to take this moment to ask the universe to keep any and all advice away from me for a while. Don’t tell me what I can do to handle ‘x, y or z’ better or what I can do to be happier or be more positive. Fuck you. What I could do to raise my general happiness is punch you in the face. I don’t think it would go well. So, seeing as that is the only option I am interested in, I am better off avoiding the whole thing.

Why does feeling depressed lead to defensive leads to blind rage? Rhetorical question. Really, don’t answer it.

{insecurity} Stuff

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I have always been insecure–as long as I can remember anyway. And most of the time I am told to get over it. I am told to just stop. But Noah doesn’t do that.

We cover a lot of the same ground over and over and over again. But he doesn’t lose patience with me. I ask him the same stupid questions over and over. He still reassures me.

I’m getting to the point where I might even believe he is telling the truth.

It’s a crazy idea. Maybe I’m not just the latest. Maybe I am actually special.

Yay/Boo

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My friends came over, Yay! My mouth still hurts, Boo!

I think sleeping in a non-sitting up position (I mostly sleep on my sides) was a mixed blessing. It allowed me to get that first 6 hours of deep sleep thanks to vicodin keeping the pain at bay, but then I couldn’t sleep for shit because being more flat meant that my face is more swollen and owie feeling. *sigh* And Noah’s nose bumping the side of my face at rapid fire early this morning was agonizing. Who would have thought that such a cute little nose could feel so awful at times? heh

And I have to drive to Costco now so no Vicodin for me. 🙁 And I’m supposed to help move furniture today, so no Vicodin for me. This shall sucketh. But! I’m still happy I was asleep! 🙂

(I’m on soft foods still, but I’m trying to do a little bit of chewing because what I’m chewing is protein. The softer stuff means I am hungry every hour to an hour and a half. I am still sitting here dreaming about tasty food. Mmmmmmm.)

Thank the Goddess

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This was so easy. Asleep, then woozy for like 3 hours. Right now part of my mouth is still numb but otherwise I feel completely fine.

I love anesthesia. I’ve eaten mashed potatoes, jello, and soup. And my baby is the most wonderful baby in the whole wide world for taking care of me. 🙂

food= happiness

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Or at the very least, no food = unhappiness.

Today I am discovering how much I LOVE food. I love the smells, the textures, the feel of it moving in my mouth, the sensation of my hunger being slowly appeased.

And I can’t fucking eat. This is the very small down side to being knocked out for my tooth extraction. Oh, and the fact that the anesthesia costs more than the surgery. Heh. It’ll allllll be worth it in the long run. But I should stop talking to people cause I can feel the snippy growing.

Rob is way too damn accurate today.

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He tells Virgos:

It’s the perfect time to kill off old habits that drag you down and to sever bad connections that bring out the worst in you. Therefore, I suggest you make an undercover search-and-destroy visit to the murkiest parts of the underworld. When you get back, invite skeletons to come out of the closet and monsters to crawl out from beneath the bed for a nice long heart-to-heart talk full of tough love. And in general, don’t you dare avert your gaze from any song and dance that might half-scare you and half-inspire you into triumphing over evil. P.S. In every decay there’ll be beauty; in every loss there’ll be a glimmer of future joy.

Given that today I started off being all angsty and insecure and stupid this horoscope is way too timely.
I was asked what I get from my insecurity and how it has kept me safe. It was an interesting thing to think about. As the day has gone on and I have thought about that a few times and each time it really swims to the top of my brain and I think about the very specific things I have gotten from my insecurity I become more ok with the fact that it’s not a terrible thing for me to feel some insecurity in general.

I would like to ask: how do you (every single individual one of you) handle feeling like you are “Not the best”?

White Trash Movie Marathon

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Since I’m forcibly having a tooth removed (Dear God this shall be Not Fun) on Friday I figure that Saturday is a good day to not do much. So I’m going to watch movies. 🙂

I’m thinking of starting off with one of my favorite trilogies: Smokey and the Bandit. If you haven’t seen 2 and 3… well, you aren’t missing much. But I like them. 🙂

Then, depending on the whims of Netflix, I shall move on to: Convoy, Stroker Ace, and Hooper.

If Netflix lets me down, I have movies still in their wrappers I haven’t watched recently.

I am not offering food as I will be wincingly injesting jello, smoothies, and pudding. All I will ask is that someone at least occasionally lets out a “Yeee Haw!” with me. 🙂

Livid (school)

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My sub on Friday fucked with my classes. I am so pissed. She didn’t follow my lesson plans because she didn’t feel she had enough control over the classes. Excuse me, cunt? She also collected all of their work so I could verify who was working enough. Uhm… everything stays in their folders on purpose. Their work is checked without you increasing my paper-pile-headache.

I hate being absent.

exhausted, but cheerful

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This weekend has been very very good. I have seen lots of fabulous friends. I went and saw the Wet Spots in concert (Hey Tim! Their website is www.wetspotsmusic.com ) and had a smashing good time after getting drunk on margaritas with friends. I have gotten to snuggle my baby. I taught a self-bondage class and it went very well. The pacing was just about perfect (go me) and I cautioned everyone to never put anything around their neck so that a certain someone in the scene won’t bite my head off. I got to grab A’s boobs, which will make any weekend ideal. Therapy was good and it has been agreed that I will no longer go every week, thus saving my back some wear and tear. It’ll be great.

Yeah, wonderful weekend. I wonder what I am going to teach tomorrow…

Gender Bender recap

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I didn’t have talks with every period, but I did have chats with the last two of the day. I opened with, “So what is up with this sexist crap?” They generally looked a little surprised at that opener, but my goal was to get them out of the normal box they live in. We talked about why they think boys can’t/shouldn’t wear skirts or dresses. We talked about how girls shouldn’t be aggressive and can only be sexual in a passive sort of way. We talked about how the boys who dressed as girls liked the excuse to shake their asses and thrust their ‘boobs’ at everyone–is that really how girls are viewed? We talked about how the girls who dressed as boys spent their time sexually harassing people and grabbing their crotches–is that really how boys are viewed?

The conversations were pretty interesting and good. The kids surprised me a couple of times in trying to have a more open mind. The comment was made more than once, “But this is just how things are and we can’t change that.” When I asked them why not they said that one person doesn’t have enough effect. I asked them how many kids are sitting in the classroom and then had them multiply the number by five and said, “I influence that many people every day. If you all go out and influence five people each… think about it.”

It was pretty good. One class went off on a digression about what our society finds attractive in men or in women and the conversation was really interesting as they were able to actually talk about what is broken about society’s fixation on looks. I was *very* happy with the people who expressed appreciation for bigger chicks (why was it the black lesbian who lead the charge on that one?) and then the rest of the class tried to claim that they are more interested in personality than looks. They were a bit chagrined when I called them liars. Then they started really talking about the fact that they are elitest about looks. It’s not like I can change the world in a day of lecturing my kidlets, but I bet they will remember this.

Oh, and the boys of 6th period have been issued a challenge to wear a skirt for an hour sometime in the next two weeks. I said they can do it at home when no one is around, but seriously–just try it. It is very comfortable and why should you completely deny yourself the right or ability to be comfortable? One class also asked questions about people who are transgendered. We were out of time so I didn’t get to discuss it, but I think I may try to bring it up soon…

It’s interesting. I do have some interesting thoughts about how much influence I have. It surprises me when I think about it.

Gender

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Today is “Gender Bender” day at school. On one hand I’m kind of horrified at the idea; on the other hand it is kind of interesting to see what the kids will do and how it will piss me off (cause it surely will from a few of them). The kids told me I HAD TO participate. So I stole Noah’s button up short sleeved shirt and kilt. Hey–it’s practically a uniform for most of my male friends! Oh, and my knee high Fry’s boots. They totally won’t get it, but I do.

I’m feeling very tempted to basically punt on the lesson plan and go with discussions of what “gender” actually means/implys in our little society here at school. Hmmmmmm

No doom or gloom today

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This morning God kissed me on the forehead. Today I believe, at least a little, that I don’t suck. That things will be ok.

It’s weird. I never know what kind of day it is going to be. I wish I had more control over my emotions.

Lots of my friends are going through similar or worse bad stuff right now. I hope God kisses your foreheads today as well.

I’m not quite *cheerful* but I’m at least not crying or feeling depressed. It’s a start; I’ll take it.

Change {meme-ish}

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tshuma posted this : Somewhat paraphrased – You’re given the chance to live your life over, with your current personality and mind. You can go back to any part of your life and start over.

To narrow down the reasons a bit and clarify: you have your current personality and knowledge of your current life history, but not the world’s. You can change events of your life by avoiding a car crash that crippled you, but you don’t know about assassinations or the events of September 11. You don’t know to invest in Microsquish stock at its IPO and you can’t test out of high school at the age of six. On the plus side, Star Wars in the theater will still be an awesome experience.

Given how I have been feeling lately, this is an interesting question. Given what I know now, I would have stayed with Aunt Vonnie and Uncle Bob starting from the first time I was sent to live with them when I was 6. I would have avoided my father like the plague. If I had stayed with Auntie then I couldn’t have been blamed for Tommy’s accident, though I bet it would have happened anyway. I wouldn’t have been seriously molested. I wouldn’t have been raped. I wouldn’t have the same severe abandonment issues from my mother pushing me around to dozens of different people. I wouldn’t have gone to 25 schools before graduating from high school.

There would have been other issues, and I know that–but I would have been better off. Staying with them would have changed almost everything that really hurt me. I would have found other things to get hurt by, but I have to wonder if they would have been as shattering. We lived up in the mountains in a sheltered place. It’s kind of weird wondering what I would be like if I had been sheltered from bad stuff. Would I be so strong? Would I be able to stand up against things that are wrong? I don’t know. I suspect so, but that’s a coulda shoulda woulda.

But it doesn’t matter what I would like to have changed. Cause this is where I am. And I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces. I’m glad I have Noah. He makes it a whole lot easier.