Just cause.
And a poll…
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Author Archives: Krissy Gibbs
{school} What I missed last year.
I had this idea on presentations of material to prep the kids for The Crucible so I put it together and I ran with it yesterday. The first group of kids did ok, but there were some big obvious kinks. So I redid it today fixing the problems and it was smooth as butter. The kidlets are doing an *awesome* job and I am so proud of them.
Oh! And I did good! I figured out that one of my comp & lit kids should be in English 3. She should not be in the stepladder class between English 1 and English 2. Turns out it was a scheduling error and they are going to fix it. I’m glad I was paying attention. 🙂 (Though this means I have to pay more attention in the future out of paranoia… darn it!)
Being grateful
I believe it is important to notice the good stuff that happens lest you take it for granted. So here I go.
Angela–you have become a wonderful mom and I am grateful you are in my life. Thank you for bringing me a present.
Miss Jenny–thank you for remembering my birthday and restating my status as the Princess. I’m grateful.
Miss Sara–thank you for remembering my birthday and giving me permission to be demanding. I have a hard time thinking it is ok.
Noah–thank you for going to bed early with me and tolerating my mood swings.
Spot–thank you for trying so hard to be considerate of me and the attention you have been giving has been great.
Deborah and Anthony–thank you for including me in your important day. I appreciated it far more than you know.
That’s just a little bit of the goodness in my life in the past week. Yay.
Have I mentioned that I’m tired? But after last night I know that 8:30 is a wee bit too early to go to sleep.
Happy Birthday to me
Hm. This is one of those times to be reflective like. I’m 25 now. What in the hell am I doing with my life?
I have a brand-spankin-new husband who makes me deliriously happy. I have a great boyfriend who is quite cheerful about my various neuroticisms. I have a job I love and a the best chosen family ever. I have a nifty new car! I have an unfinished but already nifty tattoo.
I have a house. Legally half of this puppy is mine now. It’s an ok house and has potential to be a great house with some labor. I’m ok with that. I have almost no bio-family left to speak of. I have no free time nor extra energy for most anything.
I’m happy with most of my life, but there are big unavoidable things that are making me very sad. I’m not done with my masters yet and that is being hard for me. And as much as I am sad that I don’t get to see all of the nifty people in my life more I kind of feel like I need to cut back on what time I do spend with people if I am going to be as good at my job as I want to be and if I want to have the house I want to have. Being an adult is hard.
I’m not yet as good at managing my stress levels and my emotions as I want to be. I’m worlds better than I used to be, but I’m still not good enough. I still spend far too much time lashing out at Noah and that just isn’t ok. I have to have better control over myself before I have any right to have children or business doing it. I don’t want my kids to deal with the uncertainties of mood that currently run my life. I have some hard work ahead of me to get this into control.
I am not doing enough to be in as good of physical shape as I want to be in. I don’t know when or if I will ever get back to dancing. I am already too swamped with time commitments. It’s kind of hard because I have a very clear picture of where I want to be in life and it seems like it isn’t that far away and yet if I spend my entire life feeling this way I will always be discontent with myself and I will never be particularly happy. I have a hard time seeing the happy making things and instead I focus on the negative too much. This is yet another thing I need to work on.
Oh, and no one in my family knows I am married. I still don’t know how to feel about that.
Oh, and as far as I know–no presents this year. That is kind of an interesting welcome to adulthood. I’m not upset about it. Just… kind of noticing coldly.
Tales from the classroom
Just so that ya’ll know that I am not just obsessed with my romantic life…
The year has started well. I’ve had kidlets for two weeks and I’m already a little sad that I only get them for 172 more days. 🙁 That isn’t enough time.
I seem to have a generally good crop of kids. Comp & Lit is not terribly motivated, but they seem to be willing to work when I tell them to. We are working on motivation though. It’s a goal. My English 3 classes are generally decent. I have a couple of talkers in each class and a few lazy snots, but not many. Mostly we seem to be warming up to one another. It is kind of funny that if I have an awful day with one period the next day they are super great. I know that a lot of it depends on my own attitude on a given day, and I am trying very hard to work on that. I’ve only had to yell at three kids so far and they have been good since. Yay! Although my aide has detention on Tuesday because the shit won’t carry the classroom pass when he runs errands. (He earned this today. Cause I just got the pass *today*. I had him last year and so we get along and have lots of struggles with “who is in charge.” S’all good though.)
We start Writers Workshop today and I have their assessment packets finally. I get to do my first round of big grading this afternoon. It’s so exciting! heh. The pile is somewhat intimidating when I have this many students… It’ll be good though. I have confidence in them!
In block letters across the front of my room I tacked up: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life! What do you want to accomplish?” I ask different kids to respond to it almost every day. I’m getting some good answers and some smart ass answers. It’s a good tool though. I don’t know all of their names yet. I know about half. *sigh* That is not enough! I know the talkers and the ones with weird names. I’m having trouble with my 4 Breanna/Briana/Breanas. And I have 5 Michaels. And Kelsey/Chelsey/Kaylee/Cayleigh. And three Ashley/Ashleighs. Oy. Guess what names I won’t pick for my kids? The weird thing is–I feel awkward about talking about the really cool and unique names because that feels like I’m saying too much about a person. How odd.
But it’s going well. I am a full month ahead on planning for English 3 and I’m only two days ahead on Comp & Lit but the district is giving me textbook training on Tuesday and it seems dumb to go far ahead…
Oh, uhm… PSA
By the way. angelbob posted something in the last few minutes that is a BIG DEAL in my life. If you want to know about the status of our relationship you ought to go look. Really. Go look. Right now.
The flip side
So, my honey is awesome and wondrous and fabulous. He is also an evil soul (ok, just time) sucking bastard!
First Firefly and Serenity, now freakin Something Positive. I’m reading another comic or two everytime I come back to my desk. Evil man.
Yeah… http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp10012002.shtml made me very happy.
Testimony
I have the best partner ever. I am uhhh somewhat given to over reacting. My baby will let me huff and puff and blow the house down without getting involved or upset. It’s the best possible reaction to my hystrionics. He tells me that it is better to get out the bad emotions than bottle them up. I feel very loved.
I picked the right boy.
Feck.
My wallet was stolen from work. I only had like $5 in it, but… damnit! I have to try and remember what was in it so I can cancel/change all of my cards.
Although, on the card changing bit… the timing isn’t so bad.
Edit: I’m not always brilliant. Uhm. I found it.
Schedules are lame
My prep period is fourth period. Normally this means I get a little break early in the day. But on Tuesdays it means that I teach two 105 minute classes with a two hour and 45 minute break in between. Wednesdays I teach three 105 minute breaks with only brief releases to sprint to the bathroom and wolf down food.
Oy. Next year I’m voting on a different schedule.
Custom embroidery
A long time friend is getting married next Saturday and has decided she wants some custom embroidery and wants to know if she can get a handkerchief done by Thursday. Do you know of anyone?
Yay!
This weekend Noah and I ran away. As we were doing so we went shopping, cause hey–life is hard, let’s go shopping!
I have a perty dress hanging in my living room. I like looking at it.
Oh, and not with the sick anymore.
10 random lines
Remember that meme where you write 10 lines to 10 people? Well–in no particular order…
(This is from me and Noah.)
1. You inspired us.
2. We won’t require your services.
3. Please don’t come to California.
4. Can we have a party there anyway?
5. Never say never or other words that start with ne.
6. I guess you don’t have to buy a corset now.
7. Will you still come visit?
8. We are not staying where you did.
9. We beat you!
10. It isn’t about you.
Readability
Hey blacksheep_lj is this easier to read?
Not dying
The doctor said: “Worst case scenario this is strep throat. It is probably just a nasty virus. There are some unpleasant bugs floating around and a couple of doctors are out sick.”
She did tests and will call me with the results. HA! I was SO RIGHT. Told you people I should just suffer. heh
Made my freakin day
I just got this email from a parent.
Mrs. A,
Hi my name is J. M. I am N’s mom. I just wanted to send you a little note to let you know how much N needs your class. Although he went to a private school for 9 years, the writing program was very week. He suffered last year and is now in your class.
N came home the first day and said, “Mom, I totally need this class. She is going to really teach us how to write. She went on to tell us how important writing will be for the rest of our lives.” I must say I was impressed with his reaction to what you said.
I will do my best to keep him motivated and on top of his homework. I will be checking school loop every day. I would like to send off an email to you a couple times a month, just for checks and balances and to keep on top of any missed assignments, should there be any. I know you have a million kids all day long, but I hope we can stay in touch periodically through email.
I look forward to a great year for N and him learning how to write properly!
Have a fantastic weekend!
dudethissorocksmysocksoff!!!!
Edited cause I’m a dork.
School Loop = online source where teachers post assignments and do their gradebook so that students and parents can stay up to date.
What I can do
I have a doctors appt for 8am the day that my insurance comes into effect. The medical center is even near my house. I am setting up sub plans so that I don’t have to come in at all tomorrow.
This is at least somewhat responsible.
I am still so freakin sick it isn’t funny. Because I am repeating myself a lot during the day (the same damn class four times) I will trail off in the middle of a sentence and ask if I have already said that. I feel bad for the kids. 🙁 I’m *so* happy they have all been working hard today. I haven’t had to do more than remind them a little to not interrupt others while they are working. It’s great.
Eating is not super fun cause my throat hurts so I am mostly eating over ripe fruit and drinking juice. The pad see ewe I had for breakfast was even a bit of a stretch cause the broccoli was kind of owie. It was SO DAMN TASTY though. Totally worth suffering for. I want to leave school basically as soon as 7th period is over and go home and lie down. My shoulders don’t hurt as much by neck is hurting more and more by the quarter hour. This totally blows.
{my shit} And yet more family drama
Yesterday I got into a fast and furious argument with my sister via IM. Noah watched the conversation and feels I was pretty reasonable. Today I got this email. It was sent to my niece and nephew and cc’ed to me.
Well, we had a bit of a broo-ha-ha over IM yesterday. Basically, ifyou want to have anything to do with her, I don’t want to hear aboutit.
I am sick to death of her telling me I’m wrong and she’s right. Iwill NOT listen to one more single word against my mother by anyone. And I know I am right in this. Someone must retain family values andhonor, and that starts by protecting one’s mother.
Love is the counterpoint of all families. It starts with birth andthe incredible love a parent has for their child. That transcends tobrothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc., etc. More than love isneeded though; you also must learn forgiveness and compassion. I hopeyou two learn these lessons better than I have. I have forgiven, and Ifeel for them, but I no longer have any desire to put my heart in thethresher to be chewed up and spit out. And I’m angry that my siblingshave never bothered to ask what really happened. Never. They justfigure it started with them I guess. Hah! It started with me andMom. MY mom. I remember it all, and I often wish I didn’t. But Itold myself when I was 5 that I needed to remember it all so I wouldn’tdo to you what was done to me. At least I did that much.
If Auntie wants to know you guys, fine. But unless SHE comes tosome understanding that she is not the only person with a history,pain, anger and serious betrayal issues to deal with, I do not wish tospeak with her. I can no longer handle anyone telling me what I thinkis correct or incorrect; it just is. I can no longer handle anyonetelling me what I FEEL is wrong. It is what I feel, and God made methe way I am. I can only assume its for a reason.
I am sorry I’m such a terrible disappointment to my siblings. I’lljust stay the fuck away from them so I don’t fuck up any more of theirlives or mental well-being. I’m sorry we cannot talk. I’ve tried. Iget attacked, pure and simple. And when I get attacked, I get loud andaggressive and say things I don’t really mean and then Auntie says”See! See!” so I can’t talk to her anymore. Of my immediate family,only Tommy ever understood me, and I’ve been bereft since he left us.
I’m sorry guys; I know this is upsetting to you. I’m not saying youcan’t have a relationship with whomever you wish to cultivate arelationship with. I’m just saying I no longer wish to know about it. It just makes me far too angry. And yes, I’m sick to death of lettinga ghost fuck up my present. I’m sick of not being allowed to defendmyself in this matter too. In the beginning I thought I couldn’thandle the shame of it, and I couldn’t do that financially to mySIBLINGS, and now I feel like my SIBLINGS just want to shut me up. They can heal in whatever manner they need to heal, but I’ve never hadthat option. I’ve always had to put someone else’s well-being in frontof my own.
And it looks as though I’m going to do it again. So Auntie doesn’thave to worry about her poor brother Jimmy, I won’t do anything. Again. I’ll just DEAL, because nobody else can and somebody has too,right?
And no, I’m not writing off anyone. I am simply choosing to notparticipate in their collective BS. And yes, I call it BS because Iknow BS when it gets thrown in my face. It stinks and hurts the eyes.Which means I’m not willing to be the familyblack-sheep/fall-guy/punching-bag anymore. This is about self-respect,and nothing else. I feel bad that it’s come to this, but I have towatch out for me now.
I love you guys! And I always, always will.
Mom
As an aside, I realize everyone carries the burdens given to them,and it’s all individualistic. I also realize I must be a very strongperson, because some people get fucked up over incidents here andthere, but I’ve managed to stay reasonably sane despite the constantbrain-washing and physical/sexual abuse I grew up with. I canliterally recall 14 constant years of it. Only visits to my Gramma’shouse (a grandmother others may actually think wasn’t good for kids)kept me sane. Maybe I just need to hit something.
I just want to walk away from all of this.
Life
Starting Sunday night I have had blinding headaches every night. The kind where I lie still and try not to breath. I’ve tried migraine meds and one kind helped the first night but the other kinds haven’t done much.
Today I noticed that the blinding headache is concentrating further south. My neck and throat are very swollen and painful. I’m starting to have trouble talking and swallowing. I feel like I have a noticeable fever. I don’t have health insurance until Friday. One of the other teachers on campus told me to take the next two days off, but I don’t feel like that would be responsible. And besides–the irony of me skipping school because I am sick when I wouldn’t skip for Burning Man is funny. (I know I know. Health thing versus going to play… but still.)
I think this is the third time in my life when I have cancelled something big and major only to get very sick right before I was supposed to start doing whatever it is. Intuition maybe?
Spontaneity.
I was just talking to a friend about how upset she is that she can’t go to Burning Man this year.
So uhm, I’m giving her my ticket and I’m going to let her borrow my car to get there. Guess I dodged that bullet. Ha.