Author Archives: Krissy Gibbs

About Krissy Gibbs

Just your average hippy white trash incest survivor stay at home mom. Is there an average for us? No? Oh well.

Happy thoughts

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As I was walking to my car after my therapy session today I listed to a conversation about the removal of “planet” status from Pluto between three guys doing landscaping. This made me ridiculously happy. They were talking about who has the right to decide status about different things and then it lead to some pretty insightful comments about government. As a teacher I was so happy I was wiggling. They were so thinking critically. 🙂

And then my brjulia called me!! YAY! I loves my Julia.

So today can’t be bad. It just isn’t allowed to be.

Distraction

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I was told that I should take advantage of this forced alone time to build my individuation or some crap like that. Yeah, whatever. 😉

Yesterday was freaking busy!! I went over to blacksheep_lj‘s house and helped her and her husband load the truck. I uhhh kind of started assuming dominant pack position and bossed them and the two teenagers who were also there around. Thankfully I don’t think I pissed anyone off and we got a lot done. 🙂 Then I came home and spent a little more time than I should have before I convinced myself to head down to my school to do some work on my classroom. Right now it is completely clean and tidy, but I don’t have everything in the room I need to have. I need to go to Target and Raft (a special teacher store) and get some more stuff. This is where teaching is expensive. Oy. While I was cleaning my room I talked to a friend about the party happening at the Citadel and I asked him to tell me if I should go or not and he told me not to. It certainly turned out all for the best so–thank you.

After the room maintanence I was feeling very anxious and disconnected so I went over to a housewarming I didn’t think I would make it to. I got to flirt heavily with some super hot people. I officially established a long held suspicion about them. 🙂 It makes me very happy. I… uhhh… think I will probably take them up on it at some point when my life is calm and stable and I’m not likely to end up being psycho at them just because I’m stressed out. (I love you both too much to want to subject you to my behavior while super stressed.) While I was there another friend called and told me about the womens party happening at Edges–which is the bdsm space in the south bay. So I ran off to that hoping to play with some hot dykes. Unfortunately no hot sex or play happened, but I did spend hours entwined around a gorgeous girly and I got to talk to people I haven’t spent much time with in a long time. It was really great. I didn’t leave until 1:30 and then I got to glory in the fact that Edges is less than 15 minutes away from my house, unlike the hour drive home from the city. Rock on.

Today I have therapy, two going away parties, and probably some house cleaning thrown in for good measure. Oh, I also hope to do Target and Raft runs. Tomorrow: special time with one of the people I value most in my life. It’ll be good. And Monday I start work and my Noah comes home! I think I am being successfully individuated. 😛

(Although–I’m beginning to think that my “I can’t sleep when I am alone” thing is caused more by my belief than by actual circumstance. I need some sleep desperately.)

Date watching

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I’m obsessed with keeping track of time. I’m just like that. Some big upcoming dates.

August 29: Kids come back to school.
September 1: I run off to Burning Man
September 9: The wedding of my oldest friend. (I have known Britt since birth.)
September 10: The wedding reception of the man I negotiated poly to date. He married the gorgeous woman he was dating when I fell for him. I’m so glad that I got to love him and then to love her as well. (Not that way you filthy perverts.) Congratulations again to you both. I’m so happy for you both.
September 10: I turn 25.
September 14: I will have been dating Spot for six months. Damn how time flies.
September 15-17: Roadtrip to Disneyland with my lovely Noah and with Spot. Heh. We’ll see if this poly experiment crashes and burns. I have high hopes. (Hell, I already know all the drama will come from me because they are both so mellow. Let’s see how stupid I act.)
September 20: Spot’s birthday. He is going to be hella old, but I won’t rat on him and report just *how* old.
September 28: Six months since Noah dropped a huge bomb on me.
September 30: Next tat sitting. *shudder*

Good god. I think that is enough to keep track of in one month. *beat head against wall*

Adventures–most of which have not been the best ever.

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Today I get to go find a tow place and deal with my car. It is going to take more money for me to finally be an adult and deal with the stupid thing ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! *sigh* I’m not grown up yet or this wouldn’t have gotten to this point.

Last night I ate at the Elephant Bar for the first time. And the meal ended up being free because I killed a cockroach crawling on the wall of the booth. The waiter and manager were horrified. I’m willing to bet they were far more freaked out than I was. dude. I lived in SoCal. ‘Roaches are just part of life.

Despite the fact that I didn’t drag Spot off to the gym last night I had a really good time with him. Conversation was diverse and interesting and other things went damn well. 🙂

Still miss that Noah guy.

Today I get to do lots of errands. Go to the post office for the Noah. Deal with my car. Set up my classroom. Go to my first class at SJSU. I am kind of being a bad person about the SJSU class though. I don’t really want to take a poetry writing workshop. But there are no other classes this semester that appeal to me more. *sigh* I’m kind of wondering if I should just wait a semester and take a class I actually *like* and will enjoy working for next semester. It isn’t like all of my requirements are going to be done this semester anyway. It’s complicated. I have 6 hours to think about this. I don’t think it would be the end of the world, really. Hell–even if I waited a whole year it isn’t like my credits will expire or become a problem and I have a shitload on my plate right now.

I’m just not feeling adult enough to handle one more thing right now I think.

{just baby}

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I noticed something today as I read through your journal. You said before that you don’t think I am a 6 because you don’t think I operate from fear really. I suspect you are right. You really do make many if not most of your decisions based from fear. In looking at your decisions mine look so different. I am not afraid of being alone the way you are. I’m just not. Sure, I have had morose moments where I thought I would always be alone but that never motivated me to go out and do something about it. I have almost never been single but I think that is more about the fact that I just like people and they like me. I go out and do things just cause I want to and that gets me noticed. You don’t work that way. You go out and say, “How can I make people notice me.”

Hm. Yeah. Interesting.

Navel gazing

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And it’s even public-like because I know there are people who check occasionally and want dirt. Social shit is so strange.

In my interest in getting some semblence of contact with that boy I like I am reading his archive for the first time. I had never gone back to the beginning and read the whole history before. It’s weird. I am getting to watch the rise and fall and sometimes rise again and fall again of his relationships. I now know a bit more about when he bought his house and who gave input into that decision. I know more about why he is so freaked out about car maintanence. I can read evidence of him being pretty seriously unhappy for a very long time. Maybe bitter is a better word than unhappy but… all the same in the end.

So yeah. I know there are people who will read this who are not on my friends list. I know that some of them have been hugely involved in lots of his history. It’s a weird thought. Given that I have mostly only seen the fall out of people being unpleasant post-relationships it is interesting to see a bit more of when things didn’t suck. I have never understood why people can be so into someone and then later be so completely nasty. It isn’t as if I haven’t been dumped before, but I just see no point in hating ex’s. It may be vain of me to assume that some of those hostile ex’s (of his–I don’t have any) will read this given that we are demonstrably not friends, yet… given some things that have turned up in weird places it doesn’t seem vain so much as realistic. This boy is rather intoxicating and people hold on to that interest even when they are mad at him for ending a relationship. Why though? Why be so angry? Are your opinions really so changeable that whether or not someone is fucking you affects your evaluation of the person as a whole? I do think this will be read. I don’t think it will be responded to though.

It’s kind of weird filling in gaps in his history and having to accept those parts of the past as just part of him. I don’t get along with everyone (hell-not even most of the people) he has dated. That’s ok. It is interesting trying to see what he got out of relationships with people I have issues with. I’m trying to be all open minded and shit. We’ll see how it turns out.

And yeah, I mean you. And you. But not you, or you either.

Horoscope time

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Rob says:
Philosopher George Gurdjieff declared that most of us are essentially asleep, even as we walk around in broad daylight. We’re ignorant aboutthe higher levels of awareness we’re capable of; we’re blind to the continuous flow of life’s miraculous blessings. He said that in orderto wake up and stay awake we need regular shocks. Some of these are uncomfortable, forcing us to face our own stupidity. But other shocks are delightful. They’re doses of sacred medicine that entice us to shake off our sleepiness and come to attention in pleasurable ways. I believe that in the coming weeks you’ll be offered a steady supply ofthe latter.

I don’t think having my baby be far away, though it does point out some of my stupidities, is a delightful shock.

And so Noah doesn’t have to spend an extra three miutes waiting for his horoscope to download:

Russ Kick searches for messy facts that lie half-hidden beneath the official versions of reality. In his two volumes entitled 50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know,he reveals, for example, that most corporations don’t pay federal income taxes, George Washington embezzled government money, a third of all American homeless men are military veterans, and Shakespeare filled his plays with sexual references. Russ Kick is your role model, Gemini. May he inspire you to find out about at least three things you’re not “supposed” to know. May you adopt his brazen approach as you breeze into off-limits areas to get the scoop on tantalizing truths that have been missing in action.

Oooh. This is a nifty one. I hope it works out for you Noah. 😉

Sad day

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I’m seriously overtired and that makes me more inclined to be sad. I am tired because I stayed up late helping Noah pack and generally clinging to him like a lichen. Before I even dropped him off I was already aching with missing him. This is going to be a very long six days. I am such a wuss. This is only going to be six days. That is like 1/3 of how long I was in New York. But things are different now. I wasn’t used to living with him then. I wasn’t used to seeing him first thing every morning and every night. I was still adjusting to the endless hours of processing. I can comfortably say that I am fine with them now. Ok, I still hit limits sometimes… but not as often. The hard moments are getting easier and easier. And… I just miss him.

I told him that I don’t know if I will be able to sleep in our bed cause it is really big and scary and empty. He asked me to try so that I stop thinking of the other bed as ‘mine’ and the big bed as ‘his.’ I’ll try. I forsee crying tonight.

The weird thing? The biggest consolation I have is that he is going to be sleeping with the Super Princess while he is gone. It feels like he is joining me in a tradition. I like that.

{my shit} Feeling brittle

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I am so incredibly on edge it isn’t funny. The slightest things set me off. Last night Noah made a rather silly comment and I took it very personally and basically threw a temper tantrum and left the room to sleep in the guest room. It seemed like a better option than continuing to be petty and stupid and nasty. It seems like everything is over the top right now. Proportionate reactions are a thing of the distant past. Although, in our defense–when we stop the nastiness and get around to actually trying to figure out what happened it is taking less and less time. I’m hopeful.

My therapist had some lovely things to say about my family. When I said I felt bad about being so angry she said, “Uhm, sounds like they are assholes and you should be angry” and when I asked her for advice on how to handle their manipulations better without yelling she said, “Oh, you mean how can you give them more of what they want and still not feel like shit about it?” She so has me pegged. Still not easy though. I haven’t figured out what I am going to do about them. Given that within the next month we need to send out save the date announcements for the wedding my current plan is to just not send any to anyone in my family. 🙁

Weekendy post

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So there I was, nursing my 151 and diet Pepsi…

I like introducing people to my Northern California neuroticisms: turn off the water while you brush your teeth, turn off the water while you wash your car, turn the water off while you are doing dishes… I don’t know if other Nor Cal folks are as freakish about this, but my upbringing made a serious impact on me. (Miss Jenny–can you leave water running? See, tonight Noah and I washed our new car for the first time together. We had different systems. Of course mine won. 😉 No wasting water damn you! Don’t you know that we could be in a drought ANY MINUTE?!?!?!!!! 🙂 I’m so glad he puts up with me.

Anyway. We wasted some time and some money this weekend. We went to one of the most useless classes I have ever been to. It was bioenergetics of rope. During the class the teacher introduced a shitload of jargon I have never heard before, refused direct requests to explain, and then proceeded to spend 6 hours talking while telling us that the theory doesn’t matter, only the practice does. Oh, the practice means we did a little scene off on the side of the room and the creepy guy watched. What a fucking schmuck. I got better answers to my (many, many, many) questions from other students. Noah’s comment after the first day of the class was, “I liked the hunted look he had after a while of you asking question after question.” Today he just looked annoyed. It seemed like he went home and decided that he wouldn’t let that pain in the ass derail his class again! Schmuck. He ignored almost all interesting questions and was totally hypocritical. He also told me that the way I have been doing suspension (as a top and as a bottom) is just plain wrong and didn’t really explain why. There was also another chick in the class who very smugly said that suspension is very physically grueling and it just isn’t something that everyone can do. Why yes, you obsessive yoga-doing-freak there are kinds of suspension that are physically grueling enough that I wouldn’t do them with just anyone. Like lifting someone into an inverted suspension by one ankle. I won’t do that because you can pull the leg out of joint if there is too much pressure. But clearly her standards are different than mine because I have done that exact suspension while weighing about 190 pounds and I was incredibly inflexible. I am quite confident that I can suspend *anyone* thankyouverymuchyoulittlebitch. Oh, and they spent a while going off on how western style suspensions are inherently inferior to Japanese style rope.

By this rant you can’t tell that they seriously pissed me off. Really, I bet you can’t. Fuckers. In other news–the scene with Noah was Hawt. I loves me my boy.

And if I move further back in time I am looking at a long-overdue date with Spot on Friday. During this date I was tired, boring, and generally unentertaining. I swear honey–I will make it up to you. It was a hard week.

But yeah. It’s been a weekend. 🙂

And wow, this is prophetic.

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Rob tells me:

My old philosophy professor Norman O. Brown would periodically interrupt his lectures, tilt his head upward as if tuning into the whisper of some heavenly voice, and announce in a mischievous tone,”It’s time for your irregular reminder: We’re already living after the end of the world. No need to fret anymore.” The implication was that the worst had already happened. We had already lost most of the cultural riches that had given humans meaning for centuries. All that was going to be taken from us had already been taken. On the bright side, that meant we were utterly free to reinvent ourselves. Living amidst the emptiness, we had nowhere to go but up. What remained was alienating, but it was also fresh. Use these ideas as seeds for your meditations, Virgo. You can apply them to both your personal life and the world at large.

It really is time for me to reinvent myself.

{my shit} Reeling

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I don’t know what I’m going to do about my family. I’m kind of thinking that I need to completely cut off contact with them for the forseeable future because having them in my life is actively hurting me. I really don’t want to do it though. 🙁 Last night when I desperately needed support I went over and spent time with some of the people who have chosen to be my family. I was told reasons why I can’t possibly be as terrible as my bio-family claims. I’m trying very hard to not only hear, but believe. It’s hard. I have been internalizing messages about my complete awfulness for a very long time. I… I don’t really know what to do about a lot of it. I’m scared and even though I have some amazing and wonderful support I feel terribly alone. It is kind of ironic that this stuff comes on the heels of me acknowledging just how completely inappropriate some of my behavior is. It kind of seems like confirmation that I am really that bad of a person. 🙁 But yet–my family won’t acknowledge their problems. I got into a fight with my sister yesterday and I brought up several specific things she does that are highly abusive and she said, “That isn’t abuse. My kids deserve that because they are teenagers and are impossible to live with.” Did they deserve it in junior high? In elementary school? What about when they were toddlers? She has *always* been abominable to them and can’t see that. I don’t want to ever see that look of resigned defeat in my children’s eyes the way I see it in my niece and nephew or hell–in my own eyes. I don’t want to ever seen them just learn to cringe and prepare for the onslaught of screaming. I won’t do it. You know what? If I ever do lose it and yell at my kids I want them to be strong enough to tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it because they don’t deserve it. That is my goal. I want my kids to know just how much they are worth. And that is what the other members of my family can’t understand. They think we all deserve this.

No. I don’t.

Quoteable

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“What are you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about my trip to Japan and the fact that I would like to bring a digital camera and was wondering if I could borrow yours.”
“Of course. You do realize that with this whole marriage thing it’s basically yours now too?”
BIG HUGE CHEESY GRIN

I likes making the boy happy.

{my shit}This is where I learned how to fuck people up.

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I came home from my third appointment for my tattoo to an email from my brother. The text from him reads:

Here is the will you asked for and thank you for helping me make a desicion I hav been struggling with for 8 years. I have not closed the door to any of you because I wanted my kids to know there family. It is no longer benificial to them because of the behaviors I have when you guys are around.

do not attempt to contact. Emails will be deleted unread, mail will be returned to sender unopened,phone calls will be hung up on and the door will not be answered.

He was responding to an email from my sister that read:

I keep thinking about it, and regardless of dad’s opinions of me or
anyone else, I feel it’s legally irresponsible to NOT peruse his will.

Please send me a copy.  A complete copy, if you will.  I need to see it
for myself.

Send it to my work address as follows: (deleted for her privacy)
I know you’d rather I not see it, but legally, I not only have the right
to see it, you are required by law to deliver a copy to all direct
heirs, of which I am most definitely one.  I cannot express how
upsetting it is to me that I had never even heard of the will until
recently.  I may not be dad’s biggest fan, but I knew him better than
anyone.  Including you.  I’m sorry, but that’s a fact.  Dad groomed you
to be his ace in the hole.  I won’t tell you what he said about you back
then – but it wasn’t any nicer than what he said about the rest of us.
He told me you would always back him, and he’d make sure of it.  You
would always be his supporter.  Tommy would never be believed.  For me,
he wanted me to be many things – not the least of which was his little
sex kitten.  He definitely tried to include me in his “mental
conditioning” of you guys.  Lol  And I often wonder why I’m so fucked
up?

Send me a copy of the will Jimmy.  Please.  I don’t care what’s in it; I
need to see it for myself.

Sissy

The will says:
(dated 4/27/98)
Last will and testament

Even though I am not guilty the viciousness of Vivian and Kristine is more than Tom can recover from. Tom and I have desided that the quality of life is not worth living.
If my life insurance can be collected I want half to go to my son James. The other half to Trudy Russell. (My step-mom)
The rest of Tom’s trust fund and everything else I have goes to my son James. It is my wishes that nothing goes to Vivian, Kristine, or Denise.

Words fail me. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t know where any of this came from or why it was directed at me. This is why I am so fucked up. I called my brother to ask him what the hell is going on. He told me that he is angry that his sons will never know their uncle or grandfather because I wasn’t given a computer. I hung up on him. This hatred of me is why I spent so many years wanting to and trying to kill myself. How can anyone hate me this much? And my brother will teach his children to hate me and blame me too.

Insanity.

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My school is seriously desperate for English teachers. We are down by 3 full time teachers. (This means we have 15 class sections to place.)

This means we are cutting small class sizes for the freshman–this will eliminate the need for 7 of those class sections. But we are still short of teachers for 8 sections. Two people have gone back to full time from part time and they are begging people to take an extra section.

I volunteered. It looks like I will probably be teaching six classes next year. It will be an extra $7K/year. I made the request that it be an extra section of English 3 and not Comp & Lit for that class will be more stressful for me. We’ll see. This would put a bit of an accelaration towards paying off my student loan debt.

The extra load of grading will probably pretty much eliminate my social life this year. Hm. I’m telling myself that I am doing this for the good of my school and for the students and the extra money won’t suck. Scary though. I move from 20% to 120%. Dude! This looks like my life! ha.

Freakin memes (I made it dirty)

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Here are the rules:
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write ablog with six random facts about yourself. In the end you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names.

Damn you barelyproper!! (I’m so running out of random facts. I have already done these memes too many times. This had to get shuffled to my dirtiest filter)

Uhhhhh I decided to make these all NWS

Laundry question

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So I tried being a good little internet enabled girly and looked for the answer to my question and found http://www.geektimes.com/michael/culture/clothing/kilts/utilikilts/care.html

But now I want to ask you, the Utilikilt enabled members of my friendslist a question. How do you launder your Utilikilt? What has worked the best for maintaining the hot look that so many pulled off on Sunday?

Traditionally I have washed it in cold water and then had it lay flat to dry. That worked well with Tom’s so now I am doing it with Noah’s as well. Any other thoughts?

Mmmm food

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As our contribution to the wedding potluck I have made my mommy’s lasagna. It’s a dry lasagne made with more cheese than you can shake a stick at. It’s so damn good it just isn’t funny. 🙂

(A dry lasagna means that it doesn’t have any sauce inside with the cheese and noodles, you add it at the end on top. 🙂

Bitches, boundaries, and dirty little secrets.

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When I was a kid my mother was fond of telling me: “We keep our dirty laundry in the closet” meaning that we do not discuss the horrible things that happen behind closed doors. I internalized this message and didn’t tell anyone I was abused for years. When I was 15 and had a series of breakdowns I came to the conclusion that I could not live by her directive. Instead I decided that I would have no secrets. I would do absolutely nothing I was ashamed to talk about generally. And if I ever did find I had something I was ashamed of I would talk about it as publicly as possible because then there would be nothing that could be held over my head. I can never have someone emotionally blackmail me with something I have done. I have accepted a small change in this policy in the past couple of years as I have slightly gone into the closet for my job. This has been incredibly emotionally stressful for me and paved the road for me to start keeping other things private. I recently had to look at myself and my life and what I am doing and I realized that I have a dirty little secret. I have something I am deeply ashamed of and that I am hiding from people. When your behavior is at odds with how you claim your behavior is that means that either your opinion of yourself/your ethics is out of date or you need to change your behavior. Given that I am still proud of my basic code of ethics that means that I need to undertake the very difficult and painful task of living up to it.

So here I am. This is my confession. This journal entry is not really filtered for a variety of reasons. I need to say these things about myself in a basically public way because that is how I operate when it comes to things that are bad. I cannot hide them. I debated with Noah long and hard the merits of doing this in a public way and essentially this is something that I need for me. So a lot of people who read this journal are not really used to my harsh self-analyzing posts so this one may be really hard for you. I invite you to skip it if you feel that the messy inner workings of my mind are things that do not need to be part of your life. And given the nature of gossip, if anyone chooses to break the basic confidentiality implied by my journal please at least have the respect for me to tell me that you are sharing this entry with other people. I feel I deserve that.

So here we go–a rather unhappy and dark picture of me.