I just did a bit of friends list pruning. If you were taken off, it isn’t because I hate you. I may feel like I just don’t know you. Maybe things that you post have no relevance to my life and I like keeping my reading list short. Maybe you are someone I used to tangentially know and I haven’t had a real conversation with you in a year or more.
Summary: don’t hate you. I just like to keep my friends list to people I feel a distinct connection with.
Once upon a time I tried to reclaim the word “bitch” this may be something of a shock to people who did not know me when I was in high school because I am decidedly against being referred to as a bitch these days. It is funny that I can reclaim slut, but not bitch. See, I think that while sluts are put down, they aren’t hurtful people. Bitches are people who hurt other people. Someone can be bitchy, or say bitchy things–but that isn’t the same as being a bitch. Just like a little kid can sometimes be bad, but isn’t bad as a person. You see, I know I can be bitchy–far bitchier than most in fact, but it doesn’t define my personhood.
Ok, we have that out of the way. It is my opinion that people call someone a bitch more or less when they are saying that said person is not giving them what they want. It’s a put down that hits way to close to home for me because I ascribe a great deal of malice to bitches. So I believe that
Disclaimer: So, this is a rather small filter. There are 15 people on it That means that most of the people you might expect to be reading me won’t see stuff on this filter. A bunch of you have partners who are not on this filter. I’m not specifically going to say that I don’t want you to tell your partner anything about this, but please be vague if you decide to share information. I was talking with Noah about my general need for processing in a way that has an audience and he is fully understanding of the fact that the over-share is going to happen.He did express a preference that when I get into the times when I’m upset that it not be terribly public. This is more than fair so I created a filter of really close and trusted friends. I am also distinctly of the opinion that when I am really mad at him for some reason, that is as much about me and my shit as it is about him or the situation. My goal is to never slam him publicly or privately and if I ever skirt too close to that line, even on this filter, please feel free to call me on it. I’m allowed to be mad at him. I’m not allowed to denigrate him as a person. When I want advice about how to handle something, I will specifically ask for it. Otherwise it is the standard”tread carefully” kind of approach to giving me unsolicited advice. 🙂 The people I am sharing this with are the people I love and trust a great deal. I’m sharing this stuff in this way because I do respect and honor your opinions. I’m trusting you to be ok seeing parts of me that I may not share generally with the world. I’m going to be talking about bdsm, sex, abuse stuff… who knows. If you don’t want to see any portion of this, feel free to ask to be taken off the filter; I will understand.
I’m all weird and angsty right now and there are a bunch of reasons for it. My stomach hurts quite a bit and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional wonkyness.
This was a very rough weekend. There were high points that were quite wonderful, but a couple of lows that really blew. Cut in case drugs or my personal angst do not appeal.
I have managed to wear Noah out. To the point where me being vaguely horny in his direction is met with, “Oh please no. I think I might pass out.”
Cool.
I was looking at my archive and wondered what I posted four times in one day a while back and came across http://rightkindofme.livejournal.com/253208.html so I reread the responses.
There are a few of you out there… Dear god ya’ll are HOT. Must go… uhm… yeah. That.
(If anyone wants me to remind you what you said… I’ll respond to your comment so it gets sent back to you.)
On the net today there is a picture of me. The caption says:
“There are some people who wear T-shirts saying “Fight Censorship” andother people who take off their clothes in public, and refuse to putband aids over their nipples when asked to.”
I didn’t have the t-shirt on.
We had a great Dore Alley
We are still making steady progress on the less-suck relationship wise. There have been a couple of remarkably good days with Noah and Spot and I had a nice dinner then Ikea run last night cause I was getting impatient on the no-date-for-a-while thing. Ok, I don’t hate them anymore. And the house is getting steadily less awful in my view and my view is the one that matters on this one. 😉 Being able to see visible progress on the mess is significantly helping my mental health actually as it lowers a lot of my anxiety. I really don’t handle living in a mess well. I’m still ignoring some of the filth because a lot of it isn’t worth dealing with right now because we are going to be painting soon and changing the carpeting.
I’m still having nightmares about being unprepared for school. I think this is getting ridiculous. I’m almost to a point in the house where I’m going to switch to school prep for a week or three. 🙂
They killed WASH!!!! I HATE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!
With some pretense (God I can’t spell today) of notice I hereby let the short list know: I don’t have plans for Friday night and I am interested in finding them. I’m probably not up for a huge party, but I might be. I dinno. I would just like to see some at least one person that I massively like.
Comments are screened.
So we’re up to 8 days of suck. It’s been exciting. But we’ve also been steadily making progress. We’ve figured out how to work around my, “I don’t announce in a group that I am upset–EVER” thing in order to usefully communicate. That was good. We’ve talked more about how time should be spent in general at group events. We have talked a lot about what we each want from play and how to get there. And last night we made up an Actual Rule. We modeled it off a friend. His rule is that he can’t date anyone crazier than him cause HE is the psycho in the relationship. We modified that a bit. Noah isn’t allowed to date anyone crazier than me. I’m the psycho in his life. This pleases me, because as much as I am crazy–I don’t deny this–I’m a fairly low drama crazy. Other crazy chicks are very high drama and they make my life suck. No more. 🙂
And you know, the best part? That as we are going through some conversations that are not fun and not easy to have, well they are getting easier. I’m feeling less defensive and hostile before we even begin cause he is actually listening to me and responding to my concerns on an ongoing basis, so why get hostile? And boy my throat is happy about the lower volumes. I think I’m picking the right boy.
Oh, and Angela, Joe, and Ali–thank you. Thank you more than I can ever express. I love you all soooo much. I’m grateful that you are my friends. Thank you for listening to my angst and hurt and helping me get through them to the useful parts.
“I think most people want their partner to want things from them, to be engaged.”
Ok. What do I want?
It’s been a week since I managed to create a dramatic situation that could have been dealt with by a simple, “Hey, I would like some attention.” But no, I can’t do that. All I can do is feel bad and rejected when people don’t intuitively know that I am feeling lonely. All I can hear is, “You are too difficult to play with.” All I can do is feel like nothing is going to ever work out. I don’t know why that lovely euphoric coasting through my terrific relationships and life had to end, but it did with a bang. And now I feel like I am an awful person and I am treating both of my boys badly. I don’t really want to go anywhere so I’m seriously cramping Noah’s style. I just wish that I could just stop feeling this way. I want to be the happy-cheerful-‘on’ person that people like me to be, but I suck at it long term. I just can’t fill that role the way they want. And so I feel even worse about myself because I am dissappointing my partners.
I can tell this is going to be another bad day. At least I am going to just be alone for it. I hate inflicting my patheticness on people.
This may get long and will certainly get hostile, so if the possibility of reading such from me bothers you… don’t read it.
1. I hate to vacuum.
Truth (When I was in a 24/7 M/s relationship it was part of my contract that I did not have to vacuum. That was the one household task my owner was responsible for. I really hate to vacuum.)
2. I eat McDonald’s in every country I travel to.
Truth (I really do! I like to see what is different on the menu and eat that. They had a cool chicken/pineapple sandwich in Australia.)
3. In the third grade I was beaten every day at school.
Truth (For a combination of swearing and not doing the work up to standards. I just would not conform to what they wanted. I hate Oklahoma.)
4. I am the youngest of four children.
Truth (This one is sort of a technicality. I was born the youngest of four. One of my elder brothers has died.)
5. During my lifetime I have attended 31 schools.
Truth (Yup, my mom is a crazy bitch.)
6. I am a high school drop out.
Truth (I technically dropped out in my freshman year and then again my junior year. I never came back after the first semester of my junior year.)
7. I spent many/most of my formative years not living with my nuclear family.
Truth (My mom would send me to live with different people all through my childhood. I spent most of the time with my aunt and uncle, but often I lived with family friends–some of whom I didn’t really know before I was sent to live with them.)
8. As a teenager I pierced my ear with a needle in my bedroom.
Truth (I was angsty and shit.)
9. I have been admitted to psych wards multiple times.
Truth (Yup. I am actually certifiable. I had a few break downs when I was 15. It was a bad year.)
10. I am obsessed with movies and books that depict Christian theology.
Truth (Very much so. I feel a lot of connection to the religion that rejected me. I’ve always been fascinated by this stuff that entraps millions.)
11. I have a high school diploma.
Truth (I earned it through doing college courses and then I showed up at the graduation and freaked people out. It was funny.)
12. I was interviewed twice about my reaction to Clinton being elected as President during his initial inauguration.
Truth (I was in Washington DC with my middle school on a field trip. For some reason multiple tv crews picked me to interview. I completely made an ass of myself because I didn’t know shit about politics and I made stuff up. I’m kind of lame.)
13. In high school the vice principal walked in while I and three friends were playing strip hearts and he didn’t stop us.
Truth (Yeah, the techies at my high school got away with murder.
14. I once took Karate classes for six weeks but I had to stop for emotional reasons.
Truth (I kicked a boy and made him cry–I was supposed to do this–I couldn’t live with myself for making a boy twice my size cry.)
15. I was thrown into a pool before I was a year old and not retrieved.
Truth (I learned to swim before I could walk. My sister was an evil person… wait, what is this ‘was’??)
16. I have twice left on three week trips and ended up coming home early because I couldn’t handle the homesickness.
Truth (Australia when I was 19 and NY a few weeks ago…)
17. I have left the country to travel with someone I had maybe four dates with before the trip.
Truth (It was a very awkward trip. I wish that I would have had better communication skills at the time. I really sucked. Thanks for not hating me Chris!!)
18. I have gone to another country with an ex when we otherwise weren’t speaking.
Truth (Tom and I won a trip to Ireland and it was scheduled way out and we went anyway even though I broke up with him. It was complicated.)
19. I have broken my left arm twice and my right arm once.
Truth (When I was 6, 12, and 18. When I was 6 I was thrown off the monkey bars. When I was 12 I fell off a tv stand because I was rooting around high in a cupboard trying to figure out what my mom had hidden in it. When I was 18 I was dropped as Tom prepped me for my first suspension. Suck. I’m almost through my 24th year, I’m praying I break the 6 year cycles…)
20. I have more had more than 125 stitches in my body.
Truth (I have stitches on my foot, my eyebrow, and my cheek. I was attacked by a pit bull when I was 5. Yay for good surgeons giving me back a face.)
21. My hair was completely straight when I was a child.
Truth (Puberty was not kind to me. I used to have OPTIONS!!!!)
22. I was an assistant stage manager for the same show twice in six months.
Truth (I hate Oliver! with a passion though I still sing the songs.)
23. I managed to randomly flirt with a complete stranger on OkCupid and later discover that I was the fourth girl that he and my primary had dated at the
same time.
Truth (It was trippy. I have to say that one of the girls they shared was a total loser, another is now a man, one is me, and the other seems very cool. I bet I would like her.)
24. I have never passed out from drinking alcohol.
False! (I did this in January. I’m not proud. Damn you Dan.)
25. I have dated people who were no longer the gender they were born.
Truth (The comment: “I bet you did more than date…” Was rather apropos.
26. I flipped a student off in class.
Truth (Oh it was bad. They never let me live it down…)
27. My brother once deliberately encouraged one of his friends to beat me up because he wanted to watch.
Truth (I hated Tommy. He was such a bastard.)
28. I can’t swim in a dark pool at night without being terrified that some monster is going to eat me.
Truth (Jaws scarred me for life.)
29. I have walked on ground that was probably never walked on by a human before.
Truth (I went backpacking in remote areas of Alaska where we had to fly a small plane to get there. It was cool.)
30. I went skinny dipping in Australia outside the shark net area.
Truth (I didn’t want to dig out my bathing suit but I wanted to at least get in the water right before I went home. And they weren’t that hip on skinny dipping so I went outside the main swimming area. It freaked me out, but I did it!!)
I saw this as a meme when I was journal-surfing. I liked it. I will now tell you 30 things and only one of them will be untrue. Comments will be screened for 48 hours as people guess which one they think is a lie. I will respond to the comments (And keep them screened) until the end of that period when the winner(s) will get some sort of prize to be determined later.
1. I hate to vacuum.
2. I eat McDonald’s in every country I travel to.
3. In the third grade I was beaten every day at school.
4. I am the youngest of four children.
5. During my lifetime I have attended 31 schools.
6. I am a high school drop out.
7. I spent many/most of my formative years not living with my nuclear family.
8. As a teenager I pierced my ear with a needle in my bedroom.
9. I have been admitted to psych wards multiple times.
10. I am obsessed with movies and books that depict Christian theology.
11. I have a high school diploma.
12. I was interviewed twice about my reaction to Clinton being elected as President during his initial inauguration.
13. In high school the vice principal walked in while I and three friends were playing strip hearts and he didn’t stop us.
14. I once took Karate classes for six weeks but I had to stop for emotional reasons.
15. I was thrown into a pool before I was a year old and not retrieved.
16. I have twice left on three week trips and ended up coming home early because I couldn’t handle the homesickness.
17. I have left the country to travel with someone I had maybe four dates with before the trip.
18. I have gone to another country with an ex when we otherwise weren’t speaking.
19. I have broken my left arm twice and my right arm once.
20. I have more had more than 125 stitches in my body.
21. My hair was completely straight when I was a child.
22. I was an assistant stage manager for the same show twice in six months.
23. I managed to randomly flirt with a complete stranger on OkCupid and later discover that I was the fourth girl that he and my primary had dated at the same time.
24. I have never passed out from drinking alcohol.
25. I have dated people who were no longer the gender they were born.
26. I flipped a student off in class.
27. My brother once deliberately encouraged one of his friends to beat me up because he wanted to watch.
28. I can’t swim in a dark pool at night without being terrified that some monster is going to eat me.
29. I have walked on ground that was probably never walked on by a human before.
30. I went skinny dipping in Australia outside the shark net area.
A burner friend designed a poly/queer logo and I think it is simply beautiful. At the pressure of many of his circle he set up a cafe press shop and is selling stuff with it on them. I have already bought a t-shirt and I think it is really awesome so here ya’ll go with the link: http://www.cafepress.com/LetLoveHappen (I’m well aware that cafe press is rather sizest, but it is the best starting place he could come up with.)
Cause we need to let love happen.
I’ve been sitting here crying for most of the day. I haven’t really gotten anything else done. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. I’ve been trying to take apart all the pieces of bad thoughts rolling around in my head. Trying to figure out what is true and what do I only fear is true.
What is true is that I feel like I can’t trust you. What did I tell you I would never do? I told you I wouldn’t compete. That either you chose me or you didn’t. Last night in a couple of ways there was a competition and I just lost. The ignoring me for the first hour wasn’t cool at all, but frankly I know that is something I need to take up with Erik as much as with you because you thought that there were going to be “turns” but that didn’t happen. I am really hurt that I hit your radar so little last night that you didn’t notice that I was just sitting there for an hour. Then you tried really hard to be more balanced and I tried so hard to get back into things and lighten up and just let go of the hurt. But when you fucked Debbie because I wasn’t up for it in the middle of the night you told me quite clearly that you don’t care what hole your dick goes in. I feel completely worthless.
And this morning when you wanted very much to be in between Debbie and I. Thank you for letting me know that it was more important to continue giving her attention than to give me some reassurance when you knew I wasn’t doing great.
I was abandoned last night more than once. And as the hurt of that was still stinging this morning you wanted to make sure that she kept getting attention. You know what? After she was the focus all fucking night long I don’t think she would have begrudged you paying attention to just me for five fucking minutes. But no. Apparently I don’t deserve that if someone more interesting is present. I asked you, I begged you for this not to happen because I told you that we would both lose. I don’t compete. But I still lost. And you lost my faith in you. Given how fucking hard I have been trying to build that faith and that you know how hard I have been trying this hurts so much.
I really don’t know what to do. I’m not going to leave you. I don’t want some stupid apology. I want to not feel worthless and inconsequential. I want to feel like I matter to you. You tell me all the time that I am the most important thing that has ever happened to you, but your actions… don’t agree.
I was looking at a friend’s photography site and I saw: http://www.photo.net/photodb/photo?photo_id=1115360 Go look. Be warned, there is nudity.
I think this is one of the most beautiful pictures I have seen in a very long time.