I like that I can get even the most reticent of students to participate in class and feel good about having done so.

I like that people know within just a few minutes that my praise is never hollow flattery–I mean exactly what I say and say what I mean. If I tell you that something is good, it is.

I like that when I bake people exclaim constantly over how good it is… whatever it happens to be.

I like that I have managed to maintain friendships with people who are far away, who have moved, who have had every reason to stop talking to me–but I won’t let them leave my life. Because people matter.

I like that I pick up on dance stuff rather quickly. I like that I can follow. I like that I can lead. (Ok, so I’m not that great at leading yet–give me time!)

I like that I can read quickly and remember almost everything.

I like that I no longer allow my family to abuse me. It was difficult to stand up to them, but I feel like I have saved me.

I like that I can talk about having been assaulted. It has been an incredibly scary thing but talking about it has not only helped me heal, but my openness has helped quite a few other people feel like they can tell me their story and that helps them heal.

I like that I can faciliate people having cathartic experiences through bdsm. I feel that it is a different skill set than just beating the hell out of someone and I am specifically good at helping people work through difficult emotions.

I like that people trust me with their secrets. I feel like I am trustworthy.

I am proud of myself for prosecuting my father despite all the difficulty it caused and the fact that it lead to both his death and my brothers. Neither death was my fault, but all those events were related. I am still glad I did it. I needed to.

I like that someone can tell me that when they look at me they see a scared little girl and I am not insulted. Because I know that little girl. She is my friend. She is not as scared as she used to be and she is becoming more friendly all the time. I am glad that I am not ashamed of her.

Liking me can’t be just about my looks.

=======================

Now, you. Yes… you. The one reading this. What do you like about you? You know that this got you thinking, so share.

It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. My favoritest Xtyn came with me and pursuaded me that a grandma bathing suit was not a good selection. (You think I’m kidding, don’t you. No really, that is what I will buy if left to myself.) I have a very cute two piece. The bottom has fairly decent coverage of my ass and cuts in a not disgusting way on my belly. The top says, “Hello–these are my breasts.” And it is long enough to cover enough flesh that I don’t feel horrible in it. Well, I felt a whole lot better in it when I was in the dressing room and showing it just to Xtyn.

I came home and Puppy asked to see it. I made him beg a little, just cause that’s fun. When I put it on he said it was cute and he was appreciative of the breasts. I told him it was funny because as I was trying on suits Xtyn asked me what part of me does he like, so we can go for emphasizing what part of me he likes the best. He likes my breasts (mostly that they are now large) and… I can’t really speak to anything else about my body that he likes. He thinks I have a pretty face. Isn’t “You have such a pretty face” kind of the death knoll for someone being attracted to a fat girl? We are pretty up front about the fact that I am heavier than he is particularly into, but he is really into me as a person so it doesn’t seem to count for that much. This lead to a conversation in which he said, “Well, you have nice calves… and your shoulders are nice…” and he kind of stammered looking for something else to say. I covered his mouth and told him that he wasn’t making me feel any better. I went and put on a baggy shirt and somewhat baggy pants and proceeded to feel like shit. He tried to tell me that he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, but yeah. Whatever.

I miss feeling sexy. I miss feeling like my body is something that someone is really into. I miss having people tell me how much they love my legs, or that they think the swell of my belly is sexy and very womanly. I feel fat again in a way I haven’t in a long time. I came home from the store hungry and because I feel fat and unattractive and so very undesireable, I haven’t eaten. I wonder if I will eat today.

It is funny that I am reading a book on the self-esteem of girls and how our society should work towards helping them to value themselves. What a timely read. How can I help increase the likelihood that anyone else will feel good about themself when I feel about as awful as I can possible feel?

I have to go shopping for a *cringe* bathing suit. I currently technically own two, but they are both two sizes too big and that is… problematic.

I am NOT looking forward to this. Puppy wants me to go to some pool party that his group lead is throwing and it kind of necessitates a bathing suit. I haven’t gone in any sort of water where I needed a suit in a while… heh.

Is anyone interested/willing to go with me? I could go today, Sunday in the morning or in the late afternoon/evening (I have something in the middle of the day that will take up probably 3-4 hours), or pretty much anytime next week. I know it is an evil thing to do, but flashing his coworkers would be worse…

Recently a friend told me that what he liked about me was that he is confident if he ever crossed one of my boundaries or did something inappropriate that I would tell him… wouldn’t I?

In all honesty I had to tell him probably not. It would depend on what boundary he crossed and how I was feeling at that particular time–I would almost certainly just keep my mouth shut and take it. For me it largely depends on how close I am to the person. The more I love them and think highly of them, the less likely I am to tell them that they have hurt me. This causes issues. I have no trouble telling a stranger or someone I am not close to that their behavior isn’t ok–I take it considerably too far on a regular basis even, I wonder if I push so hard with them because I don’t stop a lot of things that I would like to and the wanting builds up.

Sometimes I later think about/write about my own frustration with myself for not stopping something and the person in question takes my navel gazing as a rebuke towards them. It isn’t. No one should “just know” where my comfort levels are, it is my job to enforce my boundaries and I don’t. And it is harder and harder the more I love the person.

I don’t really know how to feel more safe about telling people to stop. I have been enforcing Puppy’s boundaries for my behavior and that isn’t hard for me to do–because there is someone else who is “important” and I need to not do something bad because of his feelings. My feelings just seem to rank at the very bottom. I really wish I could work on this more, but I don’t know how. Either I completely shut someone down and I am a bitch and I probably hurt their feelings, or I just put up with almost anything. 🙁

Yeah, my boundaries still suck.

Yeah, the one that I was totally sick and I didn’t turn in the final project for? Well, I finally really did the unit plan I needed to do (on The Hobbit) and the teacher said it was a truly amazing unit plan and he is very impressed. I get an A- for the class. *bounce*

I am really freakin proud of the unit plan. I worked very hard on it and put together a lot of resources and activities that are not usual. Lizzie–I should probably send you the final copy. It is much more interesting now. 🙂

Yayyyyyyy

I am so glad that he liked it. He was very discouraging about me doing a plan on The Hobbit. He wanted me to stick with lame-way-over-done Romeo and Juliet. I’m glad I didn’t!

It was pointed out to me that I should skip tonight’s social engagement due to my apparent illness. 🙁 Bummer.

But yeah. I should. Maybe I’ll watch a movie.

I am now holding the keys to a brand spankin-new-to-me apartment.

Frightning.

So I effectively have a new phone number and address. I will be sending out a mass email type thing giving people this information. If you do not receive this email you can send me an email at boot_slut AT livejournal DOT com and I will add you to the dis list. 🙂

Carry on.

I have a stupid quiz thing.

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050531204017-475930

It’s pop-up central, but I don’t think there are any bugs on the site.

And cause my niece is the one who wanted it… it’s very vanilla. 🙂

I just sat down and went through my journal over the last year or so. Almost every single time I have my period (I keep track of it) I write something horribly depressive/suicidal/upset either the day before, the first day, or the second day. I wonder if I should start keeping those writings private, just because I know that it is strongly correlated to my cycle. I don’t find many other super depressed posts and the upset ones are generally tied to something pretty significant.

I agree with karenbynight all things done while on my period should be announced with a loud booming voice that I did it “WHILE MENSTRUATING!” Cause Jesus Christ. It seems like getting out of bed and not killing myself are accomplishments on about three days of the month. *sigh*

is big

hurting. why? I have friends. I have family. I have love and support.

casual insults. if you are an emotional masochist and that is why you know me, why in the hell should we continue this relationship? it isn’t good for you or me.

why doesn’t “you are wonderful and I love you” sink in when any level of “you suck” is around?

up. down. happy. crash.

I’m going to go cry some more. it will be hard to do so without my scalpel.

You have got to be the most whiny, self-absorbed, pretentious idiot
I’ve come across at SJSU. Please, for the love of god, don’t be come
a teacher. You suck.
–tim

I found a recipe that I wanted to make for dinner. It sounded hella good and I was really looking forward to it. I’ve been working on prep for about an hour. Puppy just called and checked in and I asked him about dinner. He said that he had a really big late lunch and he won’t be hungry. It’s a bunch of meat–way too much for me. Enough for maybe four people actually. It was going to be a lot with him helping, I was thinking that Ken might stay cause he often does after they go shooting.

My reaction: absolute rage. I am furious, but I don’t know what at. I feel angry and frustrated and I want to cry and break something. This is just fucking dinner. Why am I so upset? He didn’t do anything wrong and in fact he was extremely courteous. But I feel completely shitty and horrible. I’m probably going to toss the meat in the freezer now, because I feel utterly useless and pathetic and because my reaction was so totally over the top I am sitting here crying.

Why can’t I be normal?

So the backlash from coming home is finally hitting in terms of him not feeling very good. It’s normal I keep telling him. I think I should be a bit more careful about what I say for the next day or two. Just cause something is true… doesn’t mean he wants to hear it.

So we were having a conversation, I relayed how much I hate packing in general. He said, “I assume if you really hate it so much that you will stop doing it and have me do it.” I laughed. I told him that it doesn’t matter how much I hate it–it needs to get done and he isn’t likely to do it anytime soon. He comes home from work and flops. He has no energy and he isn’t getting much done at all.

This lead to him making a pretty snotty comment towards me and both of us went into pout mode. Which means that I completely stopped talking and he kind of huffed off and made dinner. An hour or so later we finally talked. He said that he is feeling really bad because he feels utterly useless and that makes him feel like a bad person. But he feels so awful physically that he just can’t seem to make himself do stuff. I told him that I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings. I know that he needs a few days to recover from all the traveling and the fact that he was sick pretty much the whole time he was in Nepal. I don’t see it as a negative reflection that he isn’t doing anything that he doesn’t absolutely have to right now.

This lead to us examing the fact that I feel really bad and useless if people don’t let me do stuff for them, and he is the same way. I started thinking about this. I have had two really serious long-term relationships. Stephen was utterly useless and wanted me to do bloody everything–cooking, cleaning, fixing the computer and the car, organizing financing… yeah. He wanted a mother. Tom was willing to do the really big stuff–changing the kitchen from an electric stove to a gas stove which involved some pretty serious work, and other stuff of that magnitude, but not much day-to-day. Sure, Noah and James both did stuff for me–but I was seriously uncomfortable and ultimately it was one of the things that probably kept me from commiting more than I did. So now I have Puppy. And I have to adjust in my head to the fact that he wants to make dinner several nights a week. He wants to do the dishes. He wants to do things for me that I am more than capable of doing for myself. I think I have hives just thinking about it. I think this will be one of the most serious relationship compromises I have ever made. I know: poor me… my partner wants to do stuff for me…. It’s hard!

So by the end of the evening I was in a terrible funk and feeling completely horrible and down on myself. Puppy is not one to leave things alone. Issues have to be discussed, Right Now. *sigh* I’m really not thrilled with that method of problem solving. I feel really shitty when I’m pushed to talk before I’m ready. It was funny that he and I had a conversation about that a few hours before he did it. After we talked… I don’t think he heard all of what I said because he latched on to reassuring me about something that I wasn’t upset about… he spanked me. It’s been a couple of weeks and that was really lovely. It lead to some really hot, passionate love making. The goal had been to tie me up first, but the spanking uhm… yeah. It worked for him and he got impatient. So he tied me up while he was inside me. Holy cow was that awesome. I’m telling you, boy has skills.

He really does intend to commit to me in the long-run. It’s actually pretty scary.

I’m taking a break from packing before my back fully rebels.
(I tried to pick names and assign them numbers without reading the questions.)
1. flavoroflove 2. princeofwands 3. cygnet_47 4. tenacious_snail 5. polly_perverse 6. brjulia 7. talleyrand 8. sarahh 9. japlady 10. angelbob
11. vsherbie 12. tigman 13. ribbin 14. porgypie 15. boxofchaos 16. cyranocyrano 17. brehen 18. sillymesaysme 19. blacksheep_lj 20. karenbynight
Is #9 a boy or a girl? A girl. A very uhm… obvious… girl. 🙂
Would #11 and #2 make a cute couple? Hm. Not sure. I think that they are so very different that I can’t even wrap my head around the concept. Not to mention that she is very unavailable. 🙂
How about #18 and #4? *grin* They potentially could, but I don’t think they are suitable. sillymesaysme is too young. 😉 And she is not super queer. 🙂
When was the last time you talked to #12? Not recently enough. We have im’ed within the last few weeks.
What is #6’s favorite band? I have no idea. I know she also likes eclectic music.
Does #1 have any siblings? I have no idea.
Would you ever date #3? Yes. I have wanted to/tried to many times over the years.
Would you ever date #7? Heh. Probably not. He may be one of the prettiest things on two legs and know some really fun things to say, but we just don’t match.
Is #16 single? Yes.
What’s #15’s last name? I know that I have been told, but given the nature of “private” in the scene I have forgotten. It seems almost like the courteous thing to do.
What’s #10’s middle name? Lee! I know one!
What’s #5’s favorite thing to do? I think her favorite thing to do is hang out with friends and have a good drink and talk about some sort of obscure philosophy. Or maybe that is just what she likes to do while I do the dishes. 🙂
Is #13 hot? JesusFuckingChrist yes.
Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? *grin* For a variety of reasons… no.
Tell me a random fact about #11: She is a Christian without being a bigot. Yay!
And #1: She looks good while doing yoga.
And #3: She has some of the most beautiful hair I have ever seen.
Have you ever had a crush on #20? Yes.
Where does #9 live? In that town I used to live in. (I pretend to respect some privacy things…)
What’s #4 favorite color? Green?
Would you makeout with #14? Yes. But he would probably not know what to do with me.
Are #5 & #6 best friends? No, but they would get along.
Does #7 like #20? I don’t think they know one another.
Does #8 like #19? Ditto
How did you meet #2? Movie Night!
How did you meet #18? Dancing. 🙂
Does #10 have any pets? nope
Is #12 older than you? Yup.
Is # 17 the sexiest person alive, or what? I don’t know if I would say the sexiest person alive… I mean… there is some stiff competition. But she is definately in the competition for the top 10. 🙂

Advantages:
We will be living together and not having to negotiate where we are sleeping on any given night.
I will have to drive less.
I will get to have a kitchen of my very own where I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s organizational system. (Control freak much?)
The ability to walk around nekkid and no one can see in and there is no possibility of anyone walking in.
Closer to the Observatory. 🙂
More room to play.
LOTS of closet space.
Lots of space period.
My mom will be crew boss for loading the truck. (She is a GOD when it comes to moving.)
I have wonderful friends who will help with the carrying.
I have access to a projector, so I can have movies on a fairly large screen while I’m packing/unpacking. 🙂

Disadvantages
Me having to do pretty much all of the packing (he’s at work).
Me doing pretty much all of the unpacking (this is partially cause of that control freak bit).
Moving down three floors (there is an elevator) moving up to the second floor (there isn’t an elevator). *sigh*
Taking advantage of my friends. 🙁
Having to clean both apartments that we are moving out of.
Cleaning the apartment we are moving in to.
Not a lot of time to see friends for a while.
Exhaustion.

I am happy about the fact that I will be getting to live with him. I’m a bit nervous about the moving process. *sigh* He is packing the gun stuff. Period. I am so not touching any of it. 🙂

Puppy has chosen to let me off the hook for the Odyssey party and we are going to do the Friday Night Waltz sampler event instead!!!

This boy is going to learn to dance. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

(I’m scanning LJ, which I haven’t really read in a while…)
Me: Damnit people! Would you stop posting! You are only supposed to post so much stuff when I am bored and have time to sit here and read this!
Puppy: (Laughing hysterically) You are hilarious. You really expect people to modify their lives to suit you?
Me: No. But they should.

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

So I’m sitting here looking at my budgeting stuff for the next few months and scheduling and such. Damn. I really hate money.

What in the world is so fucking miraculous about BM that I am justifying making my life a bit crappier for months in order to go? The ticket was $260sumthin with shipping. Food, gas to get there, the rest of the equipment I don’t have…. yeah. That will all be at least another $200. And that is not doing anything for “costumes” or “gifts” which I am told over and over that I should do…

I am really tired of not buying food in order to be budgeting crap for this. Am I fucking crazy? I would tell anyone else that they were stupid if they gave up day-to-day necessary for life stuff in order to do something escapist. So what am I doing?!