Thanks Andrew.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the molestation, shocker. I started writing responses to previous comments and I realized that I wanted to say the same thing more than once, so I’ll just make a new post.

I think a huge part of my damage/disassociation/anger/whatever springs from the fact that my mom and my sister didn’t protect me. My father was insane. I blame him squarely for being an evil person–he did the same thing to me that he had done to others before me. I knew from early early childhood, long before being molested, that my father believed that girls were worthless and that he didn’t really love me. So I think that I was somewhat blunted to the extent of damage that he could cause.

I am angry with my sister and my mother. I am angry that they didn’t protect me. They are the ones who could/should have stopped it and they didn’t. I think that I have needed to not talk about it or think about it at least in part because if I do I will lose what ground I have gained in learning to trust them after their many other fuck ups. How can I forgive them for this? My feelings towards my father won’t change in any way by thinking about or processing more about the molestation. I couldn’t hate him more than I do and I will never forgive him for any of what he did.

But if I think about what happened, it will give me one more thing that I have trouble forgiving my mother and sister for. I don’t want to feel any more anger towards them.

Weekend redux:

I really enjoyed the teaching yesterday. I didn’t enjoy the 2nd/3rd graders much, but the older kids were a blast. I really got to remember what it is that I am doing with the time I am spending in these stupid classes. Yay for reaffirming that I love teaching. 🙂 I got kids that wanted to be totally silent to not only read their own work (which is hard to do) but they commented usefully on other people’s work! I was proud of myself and of them. One of the kids was somewhat snarky and said, “You are going to be a very good teacher,” and it was hella funny. She was annoyed at me for making her contribute and work, but she was also acknowledging that I accomplished something and that she was learning from it. I was delighted.

After that I went over to Joe’s art showing. It was nice seeing a bit more of his work at one time and I was quite happy to meet his lovely wife. 🙂 You are a lucky man Joe–I have now at least met pretty much all of the major players in your life. I heartily approve of your taste. 🙂

Then I went down to my mom’s and negotiated with my sister and the kids about tutoring. I think this summer will be good for me and for the kids. I am going to put together two separate curriculum’s (she has failed 7th grade English and he is getting a C- in 10th grade English) to help them catch up on the things they just haven’t learned and hopefully get them more prepared for the next few years. It is going to be a challenge for me and my abilities and I think that knowing I have responsibility will help me to feel more self-esteem about my abilities. Not to mention that having the money will be fantastic and is going to lessen my anxiety about money for a few months. I still won’t be rolling in money or anything, but it will be enough to fill in the gaps. Yay. Then I talked to my mom for a while. I can take my cat when Puppy and I move out together! I am so excited!! I seriously can’t wait! 🙂 Apparently Puff is adjusting well enough in that she doesn’t seem to be upset but according to them I am the only person Puff really likes. *beam* She is fairly cuddly with me and she won’t let anyone else hold her. I feel some amount of ego boost in that fact as well. It is kind of petty and pathetic, but it is nice to have the ego-boost of my cat liking me the most. 🙂

Then I went home and figured out clothes and went up to a party at a friend’s house. It was low-key and mellow and fun. The food was fabulous! I only stayed for about two hours because I was tired. I drove over 170 miles on Saturday and that wears me out. I went back to Puppy’s and had trouble going to sleep. But I was happy to be in his space.

I woke up today around 6 and made breakfast and then went to the store. I was a bad girl and I spent money on hair dye. I am so sick of having two (starting to be three) tone hair. The dye didn’t completely cover, but it left the red in strange places and it looks like I have highlights instead of layers of color. I am quite happy with the results and I think it will grow out looking well. Of course my hair is now horribly dry. I bought enough food to make dinner tonight and tomorrow. I like being domestic like here. I dyed my hair and ran off to the tranny picnic….

And waited. and waited. Cause of course people didn’t arrive on time. *sigh* Why did I rush out of the house? Good lord. Eventually I had fun hanging out with the ever so hot Jess and Angel. Dear LORD they are nice to look at. *swoon* At the kissing booth I had two girls kiss me and I told Jess that since I was willing to volunteer for him I should get a kiss from him. It was nice and I think that about three months ago I would have been ready to pounce him. Now… well… it was nice, and I appreciate his obvious skill, but I had no desire for more. I just want my Puppy.

After that I went to the kinky rape survivor’s discussion group. It was awesome last month. This month it sucked. *sigh* I am really disappointed.

Now I have had my dinner (I hate cooking just for myself) and I’m watching Willow with the projector. I am going to try to stay awake until 9… but I am so tired. My sleep patterns are all over the place. I need my Puppy back so that I have the security of him next to me so that I can sleep.

Oh! And the lovely email from him. {insert hearts here} I have totally scored. I have a boy who sends me reassurances without prompting. Does he know his girl or what?

So ok, I will. Andrew asked me this morning why I will give graphic details about being raped but when I talk about my father I just say “I was molested.”

There are a lot of things at play in it. For one thing: not that much actually happened. He felt me up a few times (before I had even developed so I don’t know what the thrill was), he had me give him a hand-job, and he fingered me once. The time that he fingered me he tried to climb on top of me and I think he was going to fuck me, but that was the night I got up and went to the bathroom and threw up. So not much happened. A lot of the inappropriateness was in the things he said to me–which were wildly inappropriate. He would tell me how incest is not as bad as people claim and he told me that it was better for a girl to learn about sex from her father because he is more invested in taking care of her. He also told me that I should be willing to take care of my brother if no one else was.

I think I don’t actually talk about this much because especially next to the rapes that I went through I feel like it was no big deal and I shouldn’t be terribly traumatized by it. I compare one set of experiences to the other and tell myself, “It wasn’t that bad–just get over it.” What is funny is, I would never tell someone else that. I would never even dream of telling anyone else that.

I think part of my rationalizing it is as not that bad is because my family told me to just get over it. I was told that I was wrong for prosecuting him. I don’t know how to actually acknowledge my feelings about this topic. I don’t think I even know what they are.

Ok, now I’ve said it. So what? I feel so completely disconnected from this topic.

Another email from my Puppy! I just got my little pat on the head of reassurance. Thank goodness. Now I can go spend the day being kissy with a light heart! 🙂

Once again I am writing from the inappropriate location of the classroom in which I am teaching. Ok, so I’m not strictly speaking “teaching” so much as facilitating. These poor kids. I wouldn’t want to do this sort of class on a Saturday. She wants the kids to sit here and workshop one another’s stories. The first two classes didn’t do so very well (they were awfully young) but this group of 6th-8th graders is really quiet and cooperative. I am quite impressed.

I just made a picture of Puppy my desktop picture. I’m being disgusting and schmoopy. I’m trying my best to stay busy in the next few days so that I can stop missing him as much as I have been.

Oh, I promised a silly post to Rhea and Fox. I should give it to them.
On Thursday I was feeling pretty shitty and wrote my previous whiney post. Fox read them and felt pity for me in my pathetic sadness. He invited me to join them for a trip to see Episode 3. Whereas I am far from being a Star Wars fan, I decided it was better than just sitting at Puppy’s and feeling sorry for myself. The drive was somewhat heinous. I tried calling a couple of people who lived near the theater to see if they would like to come with me… no one was interested. On the way I stopped for food… and promptly locked my keys in my car. Again. *sigh (for the record: I tried to get a key made the next day. I have to go find a real locksmith because the type of key I have is apparently unusual or something.) So I stood there and cried for a few minutes. Then I called Rhea and explained the situation. She offered up her AAA and a rescue trip. So AAA was dispatched and we thought we had plenty of time for her to make it up to present the card. Only the guy appeared within 10 minutes and the freeway was stopped. Jesus Christ on a pogo-stick. The guy had my car open in about 45 seconds and then we stood around and discussed the various ways in which days can suck. He was a very odd guy. After a few minutes he got two calls for people he could go help and he decided he didn’t feel like waiting anymore (I cooked up some totally bullshit excuse why the card wasn’t there already and I am quite certain he knew it was bullshit—he just didn’t care.) and he let me sign and he ran away. I called Rhea and told her to turn around and we both made it to the theater with plenty of time.

I have to confess that I really liked the movie. It had stupid dialogue and there were big plot holes and I’m sure that on another day I wouldn’t have been as impressed by it. There was this big overwhelming message (I don’t think it is a spoiler to say this) that if you try to fight your fate you can create an even worse circumstance. Let’s just say that the message felt quite timely for me. I walked out of the theater feeling much more calm and at peace with wondering if Puppy is going to change his mind about us moving out together. Either he will or he won’t and me being so scared isn’t going to change that. I wish I could say that I am still at peace, but I would be lying. All I can say is that today, four days after the movie, I am not as frantic as I was. I have four more days until I can see my lover. I’m just trying to keep busy.

It is amazing how I’m not just missing touch—I am missing his touch. I could very easily find wonderful people to snuggle me, but it just wouldn’t be the same. I want him.

I’m a little less freaked out about money than I was a few days ago. I think that is helping me to feel better as well. I will be tutoring my niece and nephew all summer and that will bring in some extra money. Yay extra money.

when I ran off to Ireland with Tom. It is really fucking uncomfortable. Getting emails about how much the ex has changed and grown up and talking about how good she is does not make me feel secure. *breathe*

I’ve been all over the map emotionally in the last few days. Reading books with sad endings will put me topsy-turvy every time. But it was so good. I have finished the top of the chain mail dress. I have made significant progress on the chemise and cut out a dress. It is going slower than I had thought for several reasons. So I called my mom and asked her if I can borrow her machine for the summer when I move out and no longer have access to Miss Jenny’s.

Moving out is so soon. I’m all scared. I am still really freaked out wondering if he is going to back out. I wouldn’t blame him. I don’t think I would sign on for dealing with me. 🙁

Hi. I didn’t intend to be online today, but my afternoon plans cancelled on me and I was at a place where I can play online. Catching up on lj is unlikely, but I’m trying. Then I will go home and maybe sew more.

Moving on June 11th. Anyone want to help?

Hey ya’ll– thanks to the kindness of princeofwands and sarahh I have now emailed my paper. Go me.

I am going to leave their house now and go home and start cutting out pattern pieces. Sewing, chain mail, and packing are going to be my primary activities for the next two weeks. If anyone wants to come hang out with me while I do these things, please do! I would love the company. 🙂

And calling me is way ok. Headsets are our friend and it won’t be a distraction. 🙂

Ken was entirely polite and accomodating. He was down right nice about things. I guess me being white and seemingly heterosexual takes me further than I thought.

Issue of Californian slamming: he said that he came to California looking to get away from the right wing freaks at home and he was really looking forward to meeting the people here. And in the first year he was here he met very few people who were “nice” and when he did they were all from out of state; so from this experience he hypothosized that there were simply no nice Californians and they therefore suck. He also went on to acknowledge that when he is talking like that he isn’t really trying to insult absolutely everyon–he is making a gross generalization and he is going to work on being able to say “most” instead of all, because he is still frustrated with most of his overall experiences. I thought that it makes some sense and I am not going to invalidate his experiences. I am satisfied with the jump to most, cause I think “most” humans in general suck and I’m ok with that being narrowed down to Californians. 🙂 He is still racist and homophobic and I’m going to actively work on that. I don’t think it’s ok and I’m going to introduce him to people and kind of innundate him with the knowledge that people are just people and you should judge individuals on their own merits. It is my goal.

Gun conversations: he said he had no idea that I was sensitive to the issue and he is very sorry that he said stuff that upset me. He pretty adamantly expressed that he will avoid the topic in the future because he wants to be sensitive to my feelings. He used that word. I was impressed. Ok, maybe he isn’t quite the schmuck I have been thinking.

Crap with the blog: he explained that he has had multiple blogs over the years and he has had a lot of issues with people being really nasty in comments. He acknowledged that when he posted it at this time it was more than reasonable to assume that it was just directed at me, but it wasn’t. He realized how nasty it seemed towards me and has been telling Phil that he wants to apologize in person but Phil has been telling him not to talk to me about it. I told him that Phil has said this because I would have bitten his head off and proceeded to take the head apart with tweezers because I was pissed.

All in all I am extremely satisfied with how the conversation went. He was extremely willing to acknowledge that he has been a douchebag and he is going to try to be nice in the future. That means that I can stop being a bitch and just deal with him as a person that is going to be in my life no matter what. The racism and homophobia are going to be hard for me. Puppy has been actively trying to get Ken to be more tolerant over the years. I can get behind that effort. He seems like he isn’t truly a bad person, he is just very young and limited in his experiences and so intolerant of anyone who is different from him. *sigh* Well… it isn’t as if I am the most tolerant person in the world either.

Why am I willing to give Ken another chance? Because I think that people in general deserve a second chance. Because he is Puppy’s best friend and I don’t believe in making people have to choose between people they love. Puppy wants to be able to spend time with both of us, and I understand that. I don’t want to keep all of my friendships completely separate from Puppy. I want him to come with me to events and get to know and appreciate the people I love. He is simply doing the same thing. I have some sympathy for the fact that in dating me, Puppy is seriously cutting back on the time he is spending with Ken and Ken is pretty freakin lonely. Maybe if I include Ken in some stuff and get him to have some level of liking/trust/respect for me… I can influence his brain. Then he might actually turn out to be awesome. 🙂 It’s a goal.

My Puppy is gone. 🙁 I miss him. Today I am finishing my paper. If I finish early I am going to start on sewing. I am taking the wireless card out of my computer for most of the day so I’m not distracted.

http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/

Ok, Puppy wants me to give Ken another chance. (I almost said shot, but the pun there was too much for me.)

Here are the ground rules I am going to ask for.

1. Can he please keep the all Californians are stupid/rude/pathetic comments to a distinct minimum please? He is talking about me when he says them. He is talking about my family. He is talking about a ridiculously high number of my friends. I don’t appreciate it.

2. Can he either keep gun conversations to a minimum in my presence (I’m around him for 2-4 hours every two weeks) or let me know that they are going to start talking about guns now so that I can choose to leave the room. If I am unable to leave because we are in the car or something, can’t it wait? They see one another every day–surely it can be on ice for a short period.

3. Less important, but will still be brought up, don’t tell me that if I have a dissenting opinion he will “flame [me] with the most offensive language [he] knows, trying in every capacity to insult [me].” Because without resorting to juvenile swearing he have already insulted me and he really don’t need to go any further. {Insert generic swearword put down in his direction here.}

I think these are fair.

===================================

In other news: I had a marvelous time with Bridgett. I am so grateful that I have such phenomenal people in my life. Yay!

So, seeing as it looks like we are allowed to stat moving in on the first that means I have a lot to get done in a short period of time.

How should I be a good girl then? Oh, I know… I will stop distracting myself with the evil internet!!! That’s what I will do. I will turn the internet off on Monday. That way I will focus on sewing and on packing. If you want to get ahold of me for some/any reason: 408.202.4083. I’m sure I will check email at various points, but it won’t be my usual every few minutes. 😀

So I was uhhh going through my closet…

I found Xtyn’s birthday present.

I found the present for Keri.

Oops. Maybe I should get these to people…. heh.

people.

These meme’s with the big pictures? They fuck up my display. Can you please use cut tags?

Thank you.

🙂

So I had insomnia last night. And I woke up to an alarm, which makes me grumpy. It makes me even more grumpy when Puppy doesn’t get out of bed and decides that he actually wants to roll over and sleep for another hour. I don’t go back to sleep once I’ve woken up–so this fucks me, and not in a good way. Eventually he wakes up and I am not the sweetest girl I have ever been. We both lie there for a while not talking, there is obvious tension in the air and I can’t tell if it is me being a bitch cause I’m tired or if there is something on his mind or what. He went and took a shower. drama and angst

Scheduling Schtuff

Ok. I have finished the last of my assignments for the class I hate. This means I still have to write my seminar paper. (I deserve a bitch slap for not being done with this.) I also have to put together an “Ideas Book” for the class I liked. *sigh* I have until Monday for the evil paper and 13 days for the Ideas Book. Yeah. Watch me procrastinate…

I need an icon for school stuff. Puppy also made the comment that he wants an icon. I told him that if he gets an icon he will have to write guest pieces. We’ll see how that goes. 🙂

I have to leave for school in one hour. It is my last long day of the semester. Jeeeeeeeezus I want to be done already. I still have to drive down to SJ a few more times in the next two weeks, but not for a 5 hour stretch.

Uhm, can you tell I am bored and trying to find good procrastination excuses for not starting my paper immidiately?

Other babbling, cause I like doing that…
All day tomorrow I am working on my seminar paper. Sheesh, it’s only 12–15 pages. That’s nothing… I also have all day on Sunday to work on it. 🙂
Tomorrow night I am going to a sex party. I’m a little nervous cause I’m going with a hot girl and no Puppy. I still haven’t figured out how much play I am comfortable doing, but I know that people will love me even if I say no to everything. It’s a damn good thing too! I get to come home and snuggle my Puppy though. That will be nice. Puppy might be going to work Saturday morning or he might be a slacker. I am willing to bet he will lean towards slacking. He is going shooting with the psycho guy I don’t like in the afternoon and then he is going to spend from 3-10:30 with me and then I have to drop him off at the airport. 🙁 I lose my baby in less than 58 hours. 🙁 I am thinking about going to Sin! afterwards cause it is free for me and it is better than going home and crying. Will anyone else be there?

Oh: Puppy is going to stay shaved for the summer. 🙂

I should go find some meme’s and torture the hell out of my friends-list. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

I am turnng this in today.
The write up of an interview with an administrator I worked with last semester.

Why I hate giving blood. I spent the rest of the day feeling dizzy and nauseous and I was trembling. On my walk back from the store (I seriously needed red meat and juice) I threw up. I had scoped where the trash cans were on the way there because I knew I was going to need it. That sucked ass through a straw. Yeah. I made steak and mashed potates and had juice and cream corn and it was goooooood. Did you know that cream corn swimming in blood from a rare steak is nectar of the gods? Hot damn was that tasty. Puppy watched a movie and we sort of cuddled every so often. Not the best couch for it. Eventually the movie ended and at 10:30 I went and crawled into bed and fell asleep hard and fast. We managed to go to sleep without having sex. I have no idea when the last time we did that was. Have I mentioned that I am tired of my body deciding that 7 1/2 hours is all the sleep it wants? Waking up at 6 blows chunks.

This morning he told me that he is going to shave for his trip to Nepal. I can logically understand it–it will make his life easier and cooler and all. But I feel funny about it. He made the off-hand crack that I have mentioned that I want to actually see his face at some point and this is my chance. Buddy, I don’t want my shot at seeing you bare-faced to be as you are running off to spend 10 days with your ex in a foreign country. 🙁 His jokes don’t quite go over as he plans at times. I don’t know why I feel so weird about it, but I do. It is occuring to me that maybe I can ask him to just keep it off for the summer or at least for a while. That way it won’t just be about spending time with her in my head.

I still don’t feel well physically. My stomach is upset and I get dizzy when I stand up. Yeah, no gym trip today–I feel weak as a kitten.

meow

and I’m tired.

I got up early made Puppy breakfast and ran down to SJ. I had a meeting this morning. It took longer than it should have, but still not that long. It went well–the guy I was talking to is very cool. I had lunch with my sister, it went well. I wandered back to campus and gave blood. This is a deal. I haven’t done it in six years because the last time I did it was horrible and I went into shock. This time I’m just woozy and tired and my tummy hurts. I have talked to my cable company and figured out how to cancel service. I dealt with my stupid cell phone company. I went through a bunch of paperwork last night.

Now I’m going to go sit and write a paper for tomorrow.

I feel so productive and useful. I wish my head felt better now… 🙁

A newly discovered fragment of the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament indicates that, as far as the Antichrist goes, theologians, scholars, heavy metal groups, and television evangelists have got the wrong number. Instead of 666, it’s actually the far less ominous 616.

wow.

I guess every Satan worshipper with a 666 tattoo is going to feel stupid now. (Oh yeah.. I’m calling Detroit baybee.)