So instead I will pour myself a stiff drink and climb in Miss Jenny and Miss Sara’s bathtub. When I am done in there I will put my hair up in curlers so that I can look very good tomorrow. Either I will be impressing a whole lot of nobody, or I will be going to a party. I might as well be optimistic.

I do have lots of flowers, and that is all cheery and wonderful.

Akien and the Puppy. 🙂

The Puppy brought them on our second date and Akien brought me flowers to help me feel better today. So I have messloads of roses. It is really wonderful!

Damnit.

So much for my plans.

Tonight I am sitting home and feeling self pity.

I am so sick of being sick. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

The less than goodness is: I’m sick. Again. GRRRRRRRRRRRR This time it is sore throat/cough/congestion. Yesterday was the last day of the medical study and I was higher than a freakin kite and feeling crappy all afterwards. I passed out on the couch in the English Society lounge and slept through my classes. Oh well.
All sorts of stuff about relationships

I’m having an attack of my academic inferiority complex. Most of my friends went to fairly prestigious schools: Cal Tech, MIT, Stanford, CMU… the list goes on a bit but those are the main ones. Sometimes when they talk about their classes I feel really pathetic because I don’t think I could have competed. I didn’t even try to get into a better school than CSUH. It was the only school I applied to. I was afraid of not being accepted. I was afraid of the potential debt that would accrue at a better school.

I keep thinking about going for my PhD as a way of proving that I am as smart as my friends, but I doubt it would actually work. I would still feel like, “Oh. It’s just in English. That isn’t a big deal.” I read 150 pages of Middlemarch last night in just over an hour. A friend asked me what I was doing and when I told him I prefaced it with several disclaimers about how anyone can do it and it isn’t a big deal. He tried to assure me that no, actually he a)wouldn’t be able to read anything so fast and b)probably wouldn’t really understand a Victorian novel. But, yeah. I don’t believe it. I don’t feel like I do anything particularly challenging for my degree. I feel like I am a total fraud. I say that I’m in grad school, but I feel like I don’t deserve the title because I’m not smart enough. 🙁

And now I am going to run off to be poked and burned. I’m not actually in the mood at all, but it is the last day.

I finally finished my homework. Tomorrow is the last day I have to get up early in the morning for a while.

*sigh* I’m exhausted but not “sleepy.” I hate that.

I had a good day today. I got to spend time with the coolest most wonderfulest joedecker ever. I ran into a cool chick at school and talked to her instead of finishing my homework in a timely fashion.

The next few days are packed with stuff.
Tomorrow is the last day I will get poked and burned. I’m really happy about the ‘not having to drive to Menlo Park in the morning’ part of it being over. I will have lunch with my emotional crack boy (he seems to be losing his hold over me–I consider this good news. It only took a year.) and then hanging out with a school person. He was in the writing class I did. (I tried to find more links to stories, but I posted them elsewhere.) I get to engage in intellectual snobbery as we snidely discuss all the peons in the Ed department. Then I suffer through hours and hours of stupid class. Then I go see the Noah.
Friday I get to exercise with this cute girl (yay for encouragement). I have a date with the service type couple (though the wife is out of town right now).
Saturday I am going to go be crafty with a tribe chick up in Berkeley (I have actually met her in person numerous times.) I will probably have dinner with the Puppy and then go to a birthday party.
Sunday I am going to snuggle with the cutest Keri ever and meet Beth and see Darin!

Woof. Good thing I have Monday to recover. *giggle* Woof. Puppy. Woof.

Yeah. You guys all think I’m crazy. It will make more sense soon.

The exchange of ignorance is not communication.

When does something cross from being having sex to dating?

When does something cross from dating to being a relationship?

When does something cross from being a relationship to being a Relationship?

At what point in this process does “breaking up” become necessary?

English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 77% Expert!
You did so extremely well, even I can’t find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don’t. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you’re not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
If you liked this test, try out my English Punctuation test. I’m sure you’ll do well on that one also!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

Hey! If you liked my test, send the link to your friends. They don’t need to be OkCupid members to take it.
The Commonly Confused Words Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=14457200288064322170

I made a promise last night that I can’t believe I made. It is going to have serious repurcusions through my uhm…*cough* social calendar.

I’m not ready to post about this situation yet.

Red long-sleeved latex shirt with a zipper up the front.

Black latex underwear (mostly covers my ass)

Of course high black boots

black tights or nylons?

I’ve been having this recurring dream. I am watching this scene mostly from the third person point of view, but at times I seem to be “in the head” of either of the two main characters.

There is this man who has escaped from prison. He is an Evil Criminal Mastermind type. I don’t know what all he has done–but name it and he probably has. I open upon him in a room at a hotel getting ready to go out. I see a detective bearing in on the hotel. I don’t know why there is just one person after this guy, but there is. (The setting looks Edwardian London.) The detective gets near the man as the man is leaving the hotel. A chase ensues! The man evades the detective by jumping off a pier and swimming to a different part of the shore. I don’t think the detective can swim, but I don’t know how/why the man knows this. The man gets back to shore and waits, dripping to see who leaves a nearby house (it looks like it is time to go to work) and he breaks into the house when the man leaves. He bathes and takes clothing. The man goes and sets up a reservation at another hotel. He is posing as a Viennese doctor in town for a conference. He has some sort of dummy that is supposedly his father who has some sort of disease and can’t walk right. It is bizarre. The man goes up to the hotel room, it looks like a big windy house–like the hotels in London actually. 🙂

He is plotting something and I can’t tell what. Once again, the detective gets close and he flees….

That is about as far as I get. Throughout this dream the details are excrutiatingly vivid when I am in the dream. There are conversations and small nuances of feeling in everything. I see their clothing in gorgeous detail and how they do their hair and… I don’t know what it is supposed to mean. Usually my recurring dreams end up meaning something. This one is baffling the hell out of me.

I also didn’t sleep well last night. I didn’t fall asleep until way late because I was giddy and excited about something, but then I woke up at 7 and just couldn’t really get back to sleep. I got to snuggle on Wednesday with someone I “fit” with and I think last night was backlash of being alone again. 🙁

Apparently I am going to Wicked City.

*blush*

*stammer*

Uhm. Yeah. It is something I just really need to do. I will be showing up late after a birthday party. But uhm… yeah… I need to go.

*blush*

*giggle*

*squirm*

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been so happy and excited for the past two days. Then today I talked to Anna on the phone. I called her to be gushy about something that is going well for me. About five minutes into the conversation she said, “And do you want to hear my good news?” “unh” That was about as much enthusiasm as I displayed. She doesn’t call me to tell me about things. Instead, she waits for me to have something I want to talk about and she hijacks the conversation. We always have to end up focusing on her. And the stuff she wants to focus on usually sucks. I end most conversations with her feeling upset.

Today she was telling me about how she is applying to Arizona State U for med school. She will be doing so commuting from her parents house. She wants me to be excited for her. Her parents are abusive, negative, belligerent assholes. They treat her profoundly badly and no, I don’t fucking feel happy about her moving there. It isn’t because I am sad she is moving out of state—I already hardly see her. She will move in with her parents and go back into being abused. Why in the fuck should I be happy about this? Not to mention that my pessimistic nature tells me that she won’t be accepted into med school. Her grades are horrible. Her MCAT scores are not high enough. I just don’t understand why she thinks that giving up on her friends and life and moving out of state for a dream that isn’t likely to come true is a good idea.

I’m feeling really upset by my interaction with her. Why do I continue to associate with her? I have felt for a while that we are moving further apart. I haven’t considered her my best friend for quite some time. I’m beginning to wonder if she is even a friend. I’m sad about the situation.

I was asked yesterday if I surround myself with people who are constantly in crises. Maybe I do. She is certainly one example of such a person. In the main I don’t think I do though. It makes me think that maybe if I can’t handle her heavy level of drama that I should start creating more distance there. I wonder how long it would be before she would call me. I practically hung up on her today. I finally interrupted her long spiel about why it was a good idea and told her why it isn’t a good idea and brought up several examples from her previous history with her parents. She said, “I don’t remember that.” She has a bloody convenient memory. She acknowledged that I have asked her not to tell me about her parents and her interactions with them because I get angry on her behalf. She said, “I’m trying to tell you less of the upsetting stuff.” I told her that she isn’t succeeding. Then I said I had to go because I had class and I hung up without waiting for her to say goodbye.

I feel like I just lost my friend.

On Wednesday I went over to the house of the couple that I am considering service for. I am a truly odd duck. I ended up spending about four hours cleaning their house in my underwear (he would have preferred naked but he allowed me to be shy because it was the first time). [For ease, he is G she is D.] D was at work, so I never did see her. Their two daughters were off at day care. I had not really understood that it was to be a day of service. So I was wearing inappropriate underwear. I get the impression that this error will be tolerated once and in the future will result in punishment. He has a dress code. Although it is always acceptable to simply go without underwear, which I dislike. So I guess I better start wearing thongs when I go over there. It is funny to me that I own a number of thongs, but I never wear them. Ok, I wear them to events where I will be running around in underwear because they are somehow sexier. Only, I find them uncomfortable and I think that is less than sexy.

I found myself at times feeling impatient some moments with how much time he wanted to spend! If I had tasks to accomplish he should just let me do them! Silly man. He wants to distract me with spanking me. It didn’t suck, but I was still feeling anxious about finishing. He later told me that he believed from the beginning that I would not be able to finish. I think I would have been able to if I had been dedicated in my efforts. But it is ok. As long as I am performing up to his standards then the relationship is doing well. Wow. What a thing to say. Where are my standards in the equation? I’m not sure yet.

He follows a formality of protocol that I am unused to. As Chris tells me, D/s can be created from the outset and G manages that. I felt somewhat disconcerted by the lack of romance type feeling. I was truly doing this just to serve. Service for the sake of service. I was not serving him out of love. At some point in the day it occurred to me that I was serving D more than I was serving G because all of these things would eventually have had to happen and D would have been the one to do them. I really liked thinking about making her life easier.

These early interactions are going well. I liked that he required me to dress him. And I got to shine his shoes. Yay for shining shoes. He has high hopes for the relationship. He thinks it will turn into a long-term triad. I think once again, that a relationship can’t have a future until it has had a past. Building sand castles in the air worries me. Who freakin knows what it will turn into. I don’t want to speculate. But it was a lot of fun. I really love doing service.

togos8: Good MorningMy name is Michael. I came across your name on the SF Bay Area Kink site.Do you have a moment?
boot_slut: Depends. What for?
togos8: Good Answer I wanted to say hello.
boot_slut: hi
togos8: I understand that you are and have interest in BDSM
boot_slut: yes
togos8: How long have you been involved in this area of play?
boot_slut: 4 1/2 years
togos8: started early….May I ask how you became interested?
boot_slut: Uhm, because I like kinky sex.
togos8: best answer
togos8: Do you have play partner(s)?
boot_slut: yes
togos8: good..If you would like to attend a play party, please let me know
boot_slut: Why would I need to let you know?
boot_slut: Why wouldn’t I just go by myself or with one of the people I play with?
togos8: I host them
boot_slut: Which ones? Where?
boot_slut: If they are local I have probably already heard of them.
togos8: these are private, by invitation only
boot_slut: Do any members of the public scene go?
boot_slut: Any Janus members, any people who go to munches?
togos8: yes
boot_slut: If it were so private and secretive you wouldn’t invite random chicks off the internet.
togos8: I came across your profile, and thought that a simple hello and casual discussions would be a simple way of just getting to know you. I am off to a breakfast meeting. I hope to talk with you again
togos8: Be safe/have fun

Does anyone recognize this nick?

Flirting is a strange animal. People lately have been mentioning that flirting means one thing to them and another to someone else. Some won’t flirt unless they have interest in going to bed with someone, others will flirt with anyone and it is just a friendly thing. For me it is somewhere in the middle. Many of the people I flirt with I would potentially go to bed with if a huge list of factors were to change, but they aren’t likely to. So I just enjoy the flirting. I like flirting–it is good for the ego on both sides. Self-esteem can generally use all the bolstering it can get.

I try really hard to keep perspective about my flirtations. That they are going >————–< this far and no farther. In my attempt to keep from building sandcastles in the air. Doesn’t always work. That fresh burst of “maybe” is intoxicating. Usually I am able to be objective and say, “Well–they have ‘x’, ‘y’, and ‘z’ going that will probably mean it won’t get that serious. Thusly I work at keeping a lid on my emotions. Sometimes, not very often, I can’t find anything wrong with someone immediately and then… whoa. Those flirtations are scary. The intoxication is overwhelming and… eeeeek!!

There has so got to be stuff wrong with the person. You just don’t know what it is yet. Is it inappropriate to say in emails, “I want to find out how quickly you are going to annoy me?”

I have been thinking about sex. (shocker, I know) But I have been thinking that maybe holding off on having any new partners for a while would be a good thing. Current partners should do cartwheels. This means I will be more likely to come back sooner. 🙂 Not a horrid thing I would think. I don’t remember who I was talking to, but someone was making cracks about me going to bed with someone on the first date. It felt weird to hear the comment. I don’t always. Ok, sometimes I really do… but yeah. I’m not actually a “sure” thing and I kind of don’t like the perception than I am. Noah and I talked yesterday about how he and I waited through about five weeks of dating. Anthony waited about that long. A few others have too. I just had a really slutty phase there… heh. I’m beginning to think once again about, “If it is worth doing it is worth waiting for,” and “You can’t have a future with someone until you have had a past with them.” If I want someone to just be a fuck buddy, it might as well happen quickly. I really don’t see why building a relationship matters that much. Maybe that is cold. If I think…maybe…I want to wait. Is that manipulative?

I ordered blue. 🙂 I know that crimson won out in the poll, but the comments about considering the photographic potential won out. I already have blue pieces of rope that are suitable for body work. I only have one piece of crimson rope that really isn’t terribly helpful in major body work. So I made my decision based on that. 🙂

This means I will need to get tied up soon. 🙂

I’m going to be ordering a very few hanks of rope from Monk and I’m not sure what color(s) to get. So far I have a 4mm piece in crimson and two pieces 6mm in blue. These are in addition to my random pieces of not well treated natural color lengths. 🙂 I would like to be able to do a full suspension with pretty rope. It is going to take a while. 🙂 But for now… whatcha think?

So I was feeling a wee bit claustrophobic about the whole “no free Saturday until June” thing.

So I looked at the course offerings again. They added new classes. During the week. I am not giving up a single weekend day! YAYYY!!!

Very exciting.

I now have free weekend days. w00t!

I also finished my taxes: nothing back. I guess I didn’t make enough money. Oh well.