Brezsny says:

“In his book, Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood, Wayne Muller traces many of our psychological ills to the bad habit known as “repetition compulsion.” After growing up, we unconsciously recreate the situations that damaged or addled us as children. In this way we hope to find the healing we couldn’t find when we were young. We choose friends and lovers and employers who inadvertently play the roles of our original family members as we continually restage our old imprints in search of some feeling of resolution that will set us free. That’s the bad news, Virgo. The good news is that the next six weeks will bring the best opportunity ever to escape from repetition compulsion.”

I’m cautiously optimistic about this. Letting go of stuff would be nice. Let’s see if I manage.

Noah is very interesting to talk to. He can tell me “what is wrong with me” without offending me. I didn’t know this was possible! Wow. I admire his tact.

I had a great great night. Lots of snuggling and foot massage and general happy attention. I was feeling great. More goodness happened. Like, come out of my skin goodness. *swoon*

Then I was talking with someone this morning and I was told that he had been “warned off” me. This is somewhat ironic seeing as I have been “warned off” him as well. He couldn’t/wouldn’t volunteer who did it and I didn’t really ask because whereas I was burning with curiosity–somehow I didn’t want to know. I have a serious complex around being disliked. I am incredibly paranoid and I will hyperventilate if I allow myself to dwell on the possibility that I am disliked. Ok, it is technically more than just a possibility; it is inevitable. Everyone is disliked by someone. I just don’t really want to know about it. Only I do. I can’t help wanting to know.

So of course I had a long chat with Noah about this. We talked about my social filters and how I present myself. A lot of what he told me was just reiterating many things that I already know. Such as, I don’t come across well upon first impression in a group setting. Yeah, I knew this. I do not however understand quite why it is so. I will be pondering this more cause I want to be a deliberate person and not a slap-dashed one. hrm. I’m not quite sure what to do about negative impressions. I dislike them. *grrrrrrrrrr*

But I’m still in an overall good mood. I had a melty good-time. I get to have great chats with Noah. I’m really tired though. I neeeeeeeeeeeed sleep. Soonish.

“Before you can move on to your next exciting challenge, you’ll have to answer a few hard questions about the life you’ve lived since your last birthday. The object of this test is not to make you feel guilty, but to help you take inventory of your gaffes and indiscretions so you can make atonement, thereby clearing a path to the future. Have you purposely caused anyone pain? Did you tell any big lies? Did you commit any unethical acts? Have you revealed information told to you in confidence? Do you owe money or energy to anyone you have no intention of paying back? Confess everything, Virgo–to the mirror. Then go set things right, or at least as right as possible.”

Interesting. This is going to sit in my craw all night long.

You know, life is certainly a roller-coaster. Last week was the suck. No one can argue with that. It was a craptastic week for me and just about everyone I know. It was amazing how much horrible shit happened last week. And then the week ended. And I had a fan-freakin-tastic weekend. I am a happy girl. I am spending loads of good, quality time with Noah. In some awful, horrible way I can appreciate him being stuck in the house and mostly incapacitated because I get to spend massive amounts of time with him!!! *weg* He really rocks. We are talking loads and loads and that is fabulous. He isn’t in pain, and his recovery is really only a matter of time so I’m just not that concerned. Yeah. And we figured out sex. Excellent. I was feeling a little nervous about my lack of getting any potential. I am so selfish. It helps that he is one of the most good-natured patients I have ever seen. I’m not sure it would be possible to have a happier person around. I don’t know what makes him so happy all the time, but if I could bottle it I would.

Ok, enough blathering about my boyfriend. I will go on to blather about some of the other people in my life. I went up to Davis on Saturday for a friends birthday party. I had an amazing, holy-cow, dude this rocks so fucking hard good time. Fucking GU people. *sigh* Why do you have to rock so hard!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!! *pout*

A good time was had by all at Great America and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the Weird Al concert. I created some sort of messiness with a friend because we had one ticket purchased that I didn’t want the birthday boy to have to eat so I invited a friend and I didn’t extend an invitation to his girlfriend, who is also a friend. I was too tired to do damage control at the actual time, but soon I will have to. I don’t want to hurt her feelings long term. Well, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings at all, but I’m afraid I did.

(We are back to “Wow, it is sexy that you can kiss me and keep typing at the same time.”)

In the past few days I have gotten massively teased sexually and fucked soundly twice. I really can’t complain. I am getting loads of great conversations in as well. I have somehow managed to turn up a new flirtation as well. Hm. We’ll see. I gave my standard disclaimer of “I have NO time” but he’s persisting. Hmmmm. Messy potential. Happy potential. Life is all about potential. I’m not making any decisions about anything.

Life doesn’t suck. I’m still working on that optimism stuff. Right now, it’s easy.

Class will be at 4. Someone volunteered a space. Directions will be sent in a bit. Email me with your RSVP or you ain’t goin. 😛

Uhm on the 20th. I should add that part.

“I got to the hospital and desperately needed a hug; he couldn’t hug me, but she could.”

“I know that I have a tendency to get over-involved in my relationships and lose myself and I was worried that I would be doing that if I drop most of my activities to stay at Noah’s and take care of him. Then I thought, this is for a limited period of time in a crisis situation and I will not allow it to continue forever. This has a finite life-span. I decided it is ok and healthy for me to do.” “Wow, I had that conversation with myself last night and came to the same conclusion.”

In response to inquiries from the nursing staff about who the other woman is, “Oh, that is his other girlfriend.”

Telling his mother that we can take care of him without a problem because there are many many people here who love him and will be happy to do whatever needs to be done to take care of him. Seeing it be true.

Calling Tom on the way to see Noah in the hospital and having him tell me to pass along his concern and please keep him posted as to Noah’s condition.

It has been a rough week, but it’s getting better already.

I flunked Spanish. The teacher was not willing to allow me any leniency when I missed class this week. C’est la vie.

I may be posting, but I’m not reading…. if anything major has happened please send me an email. (Dude! Apparently boot_slut@livejournal.com now works in addition to my prefered email.)

Ok, two people don’t prefer it on the 20th, but put it as their second choice. I listed dates praying to god that this would be the case. I have to be in Sac on the 21st, so it is most convenient for me to just come up on the 20th and spend the night.

Now, who is willing to host?

Oh, btw- the class is bondage, since I was asked. Although it won’t be a strictly structured class like I am doing for Janus. I will be bringing some gear and teaching ya’ll knots and ties and talking about sm in general. Very informal getting-to-know-you sorts of stuff. If there is anything in particular anyone would like to learn about, let me know and I will do my best. Any materials? Any other kind of sm? I’m willing to talk about anything I know, which is a lot…

Since I am already so out it isn’t funny, if you are willing to host you can invite people. I want a pretty firm head count before I come up there just so I know what to expect. 16 days and counting to that class.

There are lots of people on my friends list who don’t know/read angelbob, so I will tell people all over again that he is ok. I am so so so so so so happy. May his recovery be swift and relatively painless! 🙂

Who in the hell is broadcasting to Plough people that I am teaching an “interesting class” up in Davis? Uhm… whoever is announcing it bloody well better be prepared to host because I have no idea where this is happening still.

I woke up crying. A friend tried to cheer me up. Then I get a call saying my boyfriend is in the hospital. They wouldn’t give me any details over the phone.

What a day. *sigh*

Thank goodness he is ok. And I’m really thrilled about his amazing girlfriend. She rocks all. Thanks Raven.

I didn’t sleep much last night. I couldn’t stop thinking. On many levels. I went to Plough because I didn’t want to stay home and in my head. I had an interesting conversation at Au Coq last night with a fellow who told me I spend too much time in my head and I need to be more “present in the moment.” I understand where he was coming from, but it felt so much like “just get over it” that I couldn’t accept it on face value.

I had friends tell me that they understood yesterday and I believe that in the main they did. I was told that they had trouble getting over what happened to them, that the event was something they couldn’t forget. In no way shape or form do I mean to denigrate that. Abuse, sexual violence in any form is just plain awful and wrong and horrible no matter how much or how little of it occurs. I realized that almost no one really knows what happened to me. I told Noah pretty much the whole story, but he is the only person who has ever asked. Tom doesn’t know and doesn’t want to. Anna doesn’t know and doesn’t want to. Miss Jenny knows big chunks, but not everything. Last night I was thinking about my stance on “No secrets” and I realized I’m not terribly honest because I’m not as up front as I pretend. I’m very private about my abuse. I argued with a woman in her journal yesterday because she doesn’t feel that people should “come out” about what happened to them that there should be no shame and it isn’t a big deal. It is a big deal to talk about abuse. There is shame. I don’t know how to just get over it or talk about it or… But I want to.

Several years ago I was at a women’s discussion group and I made a comment about how happy I was at that stage in my life, and I knew how horrible life could get and that made me even more appreciative of my happiness. The leader of the group stopped me and said, “With all due respect honey, you have no idea how bad life can be. I was raped by my step-father when I was 16 and you have no idea how bad that can be.” I bit my tongue off not responding. I almost said, “Wow! Someone waited until you were 16! And there was no actual blood in common! That’s pretty cool.”

No one waited till I was 16.

After posting the meme on sexual assault I feel really upset. I feel like I was punched in the stomach. I had been planning to go to the Plough tonight and now all of a sudden I don’t really want to. I want to hide in my house and feel my bad feelings.

wordweaverlynn referenced misia and her post about sexual assault.

“I wondered for a moment what it would look like if just for one day, everyone who had survived sexual violence were visible as a survivor, if we could actually see the extent of it, if we could all know just how very not-alone we are. I wondered how angry and sad it would make me to know. I wondered how much power there might be in the truth.”

“This is about being public in regard to something that is normally kept a very big, very dark secret, thus ensuring that we can all pretend that This Sort Of Thing Doesn’t Happen To People Like You And Me.

It does happen to people like you and me. Trust me, I know.”

I’m a survivor of sexual violence.
No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.

If all the young laddies were linguists most cunning,
We would have fun with all of the punning…

Hey, since I have been asked by so many burgeoning pervs up in Davis… fine! I’ll come teach you guys too! Geez….. (wow this attention is sweet!) Lalu ya’ll!!

Poll for Davis people…

Wow was this weekend amazing. Amazingly good and amazingly bad. Mostly good. Almost entirely good. The bad was so rare (though spectacular) that I have decided to dub this a fan-fucking-tastic weekend. Yay me!

What happened you might ask? Well….

I went to the Italian Faire. What is that? Oh, It’s a Renaissance Faire with a slightly different name. I understand that there was actually some sort of plot and back-story around why it was in Italy, but realistically I didn’t know anything about it and I just did my thing. *smile and nod* I worked my very first faire this weekend! It was both cooler than I thought it would be while living up to every expectation I had for the experience. The drive up sucked monkeys through a straw though.

It took me six and a half hours Coming home took me two. This is a big clue for you readers that it should not have fucking taken so long. *sigh* Ok, I’m getting ahead of myself again. Telling a story chronologically is not a strong suit of mine. And I walked in tonight and Tom handed me a bunch of vodka to “taste.” Yeah. Right. Uhm, so I’m kinda fuzzy anyway. Yeah.
Beginning of story.

The NMA is the National Motorists Association and everyone should join.
http://www.motorists.org/

The National Motorists Association is a membership organization devoted to representing and protecting the rights and interests of North American motorists.

——————————————————————————–
Founded in 1982, the National Motorists Association advocates, represents, and protects the interests of North American motorists.

We are the organization that promoted federal legislation which eliminated the 55 mph National Maximum Speed Limit.

NMA Objectives:
To guarantee the retention of your individual rights when using public streets, roads, and highways.
To support traffic laws based on sound engineering criteria and public consensus.
To protect your right to own and use the kinds of vehicles you prefer.
To support improved driver training and education.
To oppose speed traps and other traffic enforcement measures carried out for revenue-generation purposes.
To promote driver-to-driver courtesy and cooperation.

Average temperatures in January:
Spain: 9 degrees Celsius (48 degrees for us)
Germany: 1-6 degrees Celsius (33-42 degrees for us)
Ireland: 5 degrees Celsius (41 degrees for us)

So basically, our choices are cold, really cold, really cold. Hmmmmm. Well, Spain lists snow as likely and Ireland just says rain. This is going to be such a hard decision.

(I’m going to make a new picture for traveling.)

Fine! I will immidiately post the news to lj.

Tom won a trip! A 7 or 8 day trip to Europe!!! (See, donating money to the NMA is worth it!!) We get to pick which package we want.

Ireland for 8 days, “From Dublin via the Dun Na Ri National Forest Park to Connemara.” Then it goes full circle round the island.

Andalusia for 8 days, “The Land of Cortijos, Haciendas & Palaces, Great Mosque, Moorish villages and Andalusia’s white towns will be explored.”

Germany for 7 days, “Munih, the Romantic Road and the great Castles of Ludwig II in Fuessen/Hohenschwangau.”

Decisions decisions… I know what I am doing for part of January!!!

And this would be how I book out way in advance. 🙂