Whoever is posting about wanting to hurt me…

I am so wet. I would love to continue the conversation.

“I read your quotes and I just wish I had said them.”

🙂 Yay.

I like DA. He wants me to talk about sex. He wants me to talk about sex in as graphic of terms as I am capable of. Of course this means that I spend a lot of time blushing and stammering and choking out the words I have so much trouble saying yet really want to hear. Those dirty words. I want you to fuck my cunt. Please put your cock in my mouth. Hurt me.

Why is group sex so much a topic of discussion these days? Freakin the last few people I have gotten involved with all want to talk about sharing me. What is up with this?! My karma is going somewhere really interesting. It must be time for me to get my reward for patiently initiating all those virgins. Now several really hot, experienced sorts of men want to pass me around. *swoon* I was asked today who I would prefer having in which hole. Oh my god did that lead to some really interesting thoughts and fantasies and… Who do I want in which hole? That lead to he and I exploring who liks my cunt the most. Who would I trust with my ass? Who would like to hold my head still as I am crying out my ecstasy with my ass and cunt filled and risk my teeth to fuck my throat? We came up with a freakin list of possible candidates. After we talked about it for a while I couldn’t decide who I wanted to do what. So he says I need to stop thinking in such a limited fashion and just invite the whole list and people can trade off who is doing what. I thought I was going to melt through the chair onto the floor. I’m not sure if I was just turned on or if I was freaked out. I’m certainly having trouble wrapping my mind around the prospect. Dude. uhm. uhm….

I just can’t name names here. I can’t. It would be totally crass for me to explicitly state what pictures I see in my head. Who I think would be patient enough to work their way into my ass. Who I think would most enjoy fucking my cunt and feeling the other cock inside me. Who would most enjoy fucking my throat. Although, I think I would be hard pressed to decide who would enjoy fucking my throat the most. I have strong suspicions of who would have the most patience with my poor, delicate ass. I am a little fuzzier on who would really like the feeling of another cock in my cunt. Could be several people. Hmmmm. However… the idea of who likes my mouth… well. There is no competition. Everyone. 🙂 I have yet to have anyone complain about my oral skills. I actually would like some pointers some time because I’m sure I could improve. I will refrain from asking for any takers on who would like to give me lessons. I’m pretty sure that would be tacky.

Would I actually be able to handle it? I don’t know. My hungry cunt tells me I really want to try. I have gotten soundly fucked several times in the past 24 hours and I want more. Good lord am I a greedy girl!

Fucked. Want to get fucked. Want to get fucked really hard. *wiggle*

I don’t know who did the posting on the anonymous stuff (well duh, gee George… that is kind of what anonymous means…) but I really appreciate it. I felt boistered over the weekend when I thought over the positive thoughts. Thank you.

I really want to know who wants me though. You say I have only slept with you once? That makes you one of a very very small number of people. Hmmmmmmmm.

What a weekend. And it is not totally over yet. I can’t stay off the net. It is like crack. I’m telling you. What a weekend. Oy. Much time for thinking and many things were done. I went through so many phases, I’m not sure I could recreate them all in text if I wanted to… even though I live my life composing in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I actually am a writer, despite a lifetime of saying I’m not a writer. Everything I see, experience, think about, I feel the need to try and figure out how I would communicate it in text. An odd thing.

The weekend started out with a phone call… my bondage class in Eureka is cancelled due to lack of tickets sold. Bloody hell. You’re kidding. I structured the whole damn weekend around that! Shise. Oh well… plans have been made and I am not going to cancel on people. I had yummy ice cream with a cute girl. I appreciated the words of comfort more than I can express. Then I started on my way to Davis. Why does it always take me four hours to get to Davis? And when in the hell am I going to learn to put on sun block?! Bloody hell my arm is crispy and it hurts. *waaaaa* Eventually I did get there though. The class went well and I think everyone was pleased and maybe even educated a wee bit. Hmmmm. Time will tell. Maybe next time I will have some idea of what the group hopes to learn and we can be more focused. I didn’t understand what I should be shooting for, so I just faked it a lot… heh. Oh wait. I’m not supposed to admit that girls fake it. Oh well. 🙂

I had a lovely evening with a girl and a boy in Davis after the class. I got in a very small amount of snuggling and watched a movie and passed out fairly early. As in passed out hard. Unconscious. There was no reaching me till morning. It was singularly divine. Great conversations were had in the morning and afternoon up until I left to drive to Sac for the family reunion.

First: I was a last minute, half-assed, add-on to the family reunion. My brother wanted me to go (I’m not sure why) but no one else in the family did. The cousin who answered the door couldn’t figure out who I was. I’m not surprised. She hasn’t seen me in more than 10 years. As soon as I saw her I remembered that I didn’t need to try and look ‘normal’ for the family. Katrina is a big freak. She is in her late 50’s now, she still dresses like a hoochie. Her hair is short and spikey and mostly black except for white stripes. Her eyes were rimmed with sparkly green and blue. I had to grin. Go her. I hope to god I have so much sass when I’m her age. I better not settle down. And long after. She isn’t that old yet. Anyway. Her two sons were mellow, fun, and very rad. I think they are my favorite extended family members. I may never speak to them again. Not for any bad reason, just because I probably won’t. They were nice people, but the sort of people that you just don’t seem to know if you aren’t related to them. Some of the other family members smiled at me from across the room and never really talked to me. They put two and two together on who I was and didn’t ever speak to me again. (Oh, this is the reunion for my father’s side of the family.) Over and over through the afternoon people kept commenting on how strong the family resemblence is looks-wise through people… and then they would look at me. The only thing that was said about my looks (although my brother and I do look a lot alike) was, “Oh, curly hair must come from your mothers side of the family.” Well. Wow. I feel all included now. Thanks ya’ll. I didn’t talk to people much and I left early. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been and it was better than I expected it to be. I wasn’t upset and I wasn’t bouncing off the walls happy. I made my brother happy and that was all I hoped to get. And I was off to drive to Eureka…

The drive was long and boring. Totally expected. No ticket! That is all that matters. I was chanting “I”m a good girl and I drive slow” for the better part of 300 miles. Oy. Snuggles and great fun was had upon arrival in Eureka. DA rocks. I just need to say that. He rocks a lot. It is really nice to arrive and have someone just overwhelm you with, “Wow! I like you!” *happy wiggle* We hung out a lot today. We watched a movie; we listened to music; I taught him to waltz. Generally we just hung out and enjoyed one anothers presense. Yay for mellow time. Now he is sleeping and I’m going through some of the myriad of thoughts in my brain. I may be posting a bunch tonight and I’m not slick enough to really know lj shortcuts by memory so no cuts. Muahahaha

“I love your smile, especially when my cock is in it.”

There is the distinct probability that I will not check any sort of online medium until Tuesday, maybe even Wednesday. I get twitchy thinking about it… If anyone wants to reach me call my cell. Incidently, if anyone is bored between 1 and 4, please call. The drive to Davis sucks.

Well, since I have a dirty filter and I tell people to ask to get on it… I should actually do something with it.

Although yeah, I’m not quite in the mood. So I will just point at previous dirty things.

I made a users guide…

I’ve since been told that everyone should make one. Sure, what the hell.

Ok, I’ve had this thing for a while. I’ll put something here. I’m a girl, much like any other girl. I have hair and teeth and eyes and breasts and feet. There are other things too. My hair is brown and curly–sometimes frizzy. My teeth are in reasonably good shape, though braces probably wouldn’t be uncalled for. My eyes are brown and semi-obscurred behind mandatory glasses. I’ve been told I have a face made for glasses. I don’t get it, but I probably don’t have to. My breasts are reasonable for my frame and I’ve never had any complaints about them. My feet, now my feet are important. My feet let me dance. 🙂

I’m very into dancing these days. Primarily vintage-ish ballroom. When I figure out the exact name for what I’m the most mad for I may or may not edit this. I also like Irish and English Country Dance. I don’t get to do enough of either.

I’m a grad student. This means I’m busy. I have a real job these days–oh the horror! So between dancing and going to school and working, I’m pretty bloody busy.

Oh, then there is the “standard” introduction: I’m a bi, poly, switch. Yet I still manage to not be too easy. 😉 It is a fine line to walk. Just because I have allllll sorts of options doesn’t mean I choose to follow up on them. I have an SO and OIP. Aka a primary partner that I live with and lots of Other Important People that I spend time with.

I would like to find time to catch up on my sleep one of these days. I post sporadically, and I am moving towards being friends-only in the main. If you want to be friended and see my dirty thoughts, send me a note and ask! If I like you I may say yes…

Saw this in a friends journal…

I want you to post anything that you want.

Anything.
Leave A Comment.
Post a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, what you think about me, or whatever else is on your mind.

Be sure to post honestly and anonymously, though.

Post as many times as you’d like and then put this in your journal.

See what your friends and perhaps others who you don’t even realize read your diary have to say.

All comments should be posted anonymously…

Say anything you want.

I really hate being overly emotional. I equate it with drama. I really dislike drama in numerous ways. I really really dislike it when it feels like it is coming from me. I really want to be a low drama person. It is important to me. I don’t feel like I’m being low drama right now though. Hell, most of the time I feel like I am too high drama and it is much worse right now. Grrrrrr.

Why do I think emotions are such awful things? I try like hell to stifle all signs of emotion in myself. Just pretend it isn’t there. I do a pretty good job a lot of the time. Then someone comes along and bursts my bubble of self-defense and I bawl like a little kid. That happened yesterday. I had been brazening out some of my sadness and just getting stuff done. Then I talked on the phone to one of the most amazing women I have ever had the good fortune to meet. She didn’t let me have my front. She talked to me about sadness and love and letting go and crying and…. I freakin bawled. It was almost embarassing only I know she would never in a million years hold it against me. I have a real issue about crying with/in front of people. Yeah I know–that issue is very common. Although actually, I can cry over movies or music or someone else’s problems without any issue. Crying about me actually feeling emotional pain is the tough part. I cried and cried. I hung up the phone and cried some more. I skipped dance rehearsal. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t have it in me. I went over to a social type event though because I know that I always feel good in that space.

I was so right. I totally made the right call. The night started out with a wonderful, amazing, desperately needed hug by the hot host. The world would be a better place if there were more people like him and his wife. I was a little apprehensive when I got there. I desperately needed to not deal with drama or anyone else’s emotional neediness. I just didn’t have anything to give.There was a little bit of awkwardness once when I needed to communicate that to someone. It has nothing to do with whether I like or don’t like you, right now I have nothing to give you and our relationship has big chunks of me needing to support you. Right now I can’t. Not I don’t want to. I can’t. I’m not sure how it was received or communicated or what, but it was all I could do. I went over and sat behind a boy that I barely know. He and I have a sort of interesting snuggle relationship going on (dude, I met him at Black Sheets of course there is snuggling/sexual stuff there) and he looked at me funny for a second then patted me on the head and gave me exactly what I needed. He didn’t ask me, “Are you ok?” He didn’t demand any talking. He didn’t try to push on touching me too intimately. He just gently put his hand on a not intimate part of my body and let me bask in his presence. Go him. I still don’t know him very well, but he is the sort of fellow that I madly want to have in my life.

After that I got up and started moving around for a while. I got to show a cute boy waltz steps in the kitchen. I got held and rocked back and forth. I didn’t ever have to talk about what was going on. Some people knew, and they were great about being friendly and supportive without pushing. Thank goodness. By the time food showed up I was starting to get antsy just because I wanted food. After eating my brain chemistry started stablizing in many happy ways. I felt better physically and my brain decided to stop being all anxious. It was great. I didn’t really participate in any of the conversations, but I listened and was amused and felt included anyway. It is rare that I feel included even when I’m not participating. I went to the hot tub and some boys did their best to stroke my ego. Or some other part of my anatomy. I forget which… I was somewhat amazed that it happened. I was even more impressed that I let it happen. Once or twice I had these twinges of, “No! I’m supposed to be depressed and sad and grieving right now, not flirting!” But I squashed those thoughts and enjoyed the attention. It felt good. I am certainly not going to be able to entertain any thoughts of feeling like I will always be alone in the next few months. heh. Boys gave me their cards. It was cute and sweet and such. I don’t know if I have time or energy to pursue anything beyond the level of flirting that is going on, but I really appreciated the flirting.

Then I had a uhm, titilating, conversation about canes and playing and how such things are very good things. I like how he thinks.

Then I got to hang out waiting for a vehicle to be fixed (they were using my flashlight). It didn’t get fixed. Everyone eventually went home. It was good.

I may be an emotional wreck, but I’m an emotional wreck with the most freakin amazing support network in the world. My phone has been ringing off the hook with calls from out of town friends who love me and want to express their support. Long-term friends are bending over backwards to tell me they love me. And I have a relatively new group of people who are being very loving. I really can’t say that my life sucks. I’m sad. The situation is sad. But it will get better. I have faith.

This hurts. I hate looking at things and deciding what is whose.

Can I just leave everything and run away and never decide?

Years ago, well, five years ago at least, Stephen and I deliberated on what size of bed to buy. We decided that a queen size bed was big enough and wouldn’t overwhelm the room we had. I’m really glad we made that decision. Sleeping alone in a king sized bed sucks ass. You always feel alone. Well, at least I always feel like I am always on my side of the bed and there is still always room for another body, a body that isn’t there. In a queen sized bed I can sleep on the diagonal and then there wouldn’t really be room for anyone else. It can be just my bed.

I have only slept alone a handful of times in the past three years. It has been very rare. If I sat down I could probably count all of the times on my fingers. People who have been reading me for any length of time are sick of my anxiety around sleeping alone. 🙂 Thanks for your patience darlings. I slept alone last night. In my bed. In the bed that I purchased all by myself. Strange as it sounds, that is a deal to me. Tom’s bed had become “our bed” but it had to become something. It was his. Now it is his again. He has always slept on his side of the bed anyway without regard to being alone or with someone. I slept ok. I snuggled up to the boys. I mentioned splitting custody with him and he told me that they were gifts for me and he doesn’t want to take them from me. I appreciate it. I’m going to put the body pillow on one side and absolutely overwhelm myself with snuggles on the other side. I was smashed enough last night that I passed out without a problem. It is going to be a little harder when I’m sober. I have to get over my anxiety though. This is going to be good for me. I am going to learn how to sleep alone damnit. I haven’t slept alone consistently since I was… 13? 14? It’s about time.

I don’t give a shit about bowling.

My legs look really skinny when held above my leg for a while.

What is up with this fucking bowling crap?!

I’m trying to stay distracted. I cried the first day and I don’t really want to spend all my time crying. In lots of way the relationship has been morphing for a long time and this isn’t really that big of a change. In other ways this is the most catastrophic thing that has happened to me in the past 5 years. Breaking up with Stephen was nothing. Finding out about the HPV was nothing. God. I never thought I would say that. Perspective is everything.

I love him very much. I hope he will always be one of my closest friends.

Now I get to go make dinner for our anniversary. Wow. This is really fucked up. But yet ok.

Thank you all for your love and support. I appreciate it more than I can express. I have learned that more people care about me than I knew. Not a bad thing to find out.

I’m an idiot. I lost the address for the location of the class on friday. It is being requested again from the person who is hosting. Please send me an email (pick an email of your choice) so that I can respond to it with directions. I will be away from my computer for a few days and I won’t have everyones address with me. I’m just having issues right now.

Somehow yesterday I hit a wall. I went and saw the movie, “What the Bleep” and one section was talking about how we stay in patterns because we are addicted to the chemicals produced, even when they suck. I’ve stayed with Tom for a lot of reasons, most of them aren’t good.

I hated saying those words to him. I hated having to say them over and over because he didn’t understand what, “I’m breaking up with you” really meant. God I hated having to say it over and over. I cried so much. And he held me. And he told me he loves me. And I love him. How can I walk away? We aren’t right for each other. He asked me why. I told him some of the reasons on my side and I told him that I need to leave him because I’m not right for him and he will never try to find someone who is as long as I’m here. The horrible thing is, that is one of the most compelling reasons for me. I love him. I want him to be happy. In big ways he isn’t happy with me. He is tolerating my poly, but it really doesn’t make him happy. He wants someone with different kinks, and different hobbies, and really a different personality.

I want him to find that person.

I have no idea yet what is going to happen. I don’t know when I’m moving out. I have something potentially on the table, but it would only work if I can stay here till January. That might be asking too much. I don’t know.

I hurt.

Ok, so it is barely the middle of the night. But I can title my journal any bloody thing I want.

Hussy: Adjective
Used to describe a person and/or their behavior (hussy-ish) when they are flirty and sexual in a way that is not actually going to lead to sex.

Slut: Adjective
Used to describe a person and/or their behavior (slutty) when they are flirty and sexual in a way that will lead to sex.

And this ends your public service announcement for the day.

Thank you Lolita I quite agree. If she kicks her heels and squeals delightedly, she’s a keeper.